Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us. The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path! What? I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here. Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls. Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson. It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture. This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera. I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year. If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano. The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience. Whatever that means nowadays. After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience. Juan Cruz has it now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky? You have a third nipple!? No, Random Italicized Voice. Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand. (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.) I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town. Maybe Cozumel. Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience! Then return a week later healthy. The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair). The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona. BTW, his wife is 46 years old? And Tabata is 23? A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.). If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening. Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.
Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time. Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack. Me myself, I like to max. Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax! Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics? Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest? Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that. No can do. Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average. He was hitting .356 in Triple-A. That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280. He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive. You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)
Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer. He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.
Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.
Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks. Can he pitching coach Scherzer?
Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres. Then Frieri was traded to the Angels. I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.
Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness. That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again! I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.
Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. He was in last week’s Buy. Don’t make me go back there!
Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer. Superfluous Y’s rejoice! In chorus, “Because!”
Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue. Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop. In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors. Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.
Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game. I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside. Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music. “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?” “It’s Vogelsong.”
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Hint: He’s not a sell.
Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug. Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm. Those things are nasty. This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt. Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days. Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.
Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice. His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice. His health, well, it’s good for now. I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.
Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal. He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games. He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Wanna know why? Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago). He’s hot. Pick him up. Go now. This post will be here when you return.
Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189. They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother. And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s. In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.
Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs. Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn. See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good. Makes total sense.
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer. The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo. They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano. Two birds, one stone (or granite).
Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers + Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee. Hmm, math is wrong there. Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!
Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners. There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!). Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!). I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List. Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular. He hasn’t been craptacular though either. Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation. James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick. He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty. It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation. Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb. *finger tap* Waiting…