Chad Qualls is probably done for the season. The closer shituation isn’t going to be pretty in Arizona, unfortunately. We’re looking at a closerousel. I’d list the candidates in this order: Juan Gutierrez, Clay Zavada, Esmerling Vasquez, Daniel Schlereth and Blaine Boyer. Reading those names again, I vomited into a trash bin and the ghost of Hoyt Wilhelm materialized and said in a British accent, “Be careful, Grey. Gutierrez is iffy at best and Zavada can’t see past his mustache when he pitches from the stretch.” Because times are lean for saves in a few of my leagues, I’ll cop to grabbing the first two guys. Careful about going with any of them if you don’t need saves. But really, who doesn’t need saves? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Krispie Young – In America, everyone gets a 2nd chance — John Travolta, Michael Vick and the police officer from The Village People. Maybe people get 2nd chances in Kathmandu. I don’t know. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Everyone gets a 2nd chance in Kathmandu.” Krispie returns to the majors and should be play nearly every day. What can we expect? Nothing. How’s that optimism? But what can he do? Well, he’s been hot in his recent Triple-A stint and he had a decent 2nd half last year. Absolute ceiling of expectations would be 4 homers and 4 steals in September. It’s not going to save your team, but it could help.
Scott Kazmir – In case you don’t have cable in your dungeon, Kazmir was traded to the Angels. Maybe going out to Dave & Buster’s after every game, rather than Hooters will help focus Spazmir, but I have my doubts. He’s been no joy to own thus far this year, and I’m skeptical that he suddenly will turn things around.
Andy Sonnanstine – He’ll get the call this Tuesday to replace Kazmir. And, as you know, Tuesday is the new hump day.
Jake Peavy – His elbow had a “recurrence of tightness.” Sounds like a bad Ashton Kutcher movie. Oh, wait, they’re all bad. Hey, look at me, I Twitter! I’m Ashton Kutcher! I’m in movies opposite Anne Heche! Sorry, I don’t like Kutcher. So, Peavy’s having problems with his elbow… Well, I didn’t expect him to save many teams in September, but I did think he could be helpful. Now, not so sure. If you have no room on your DL, I’d consider dropping him.
Akinori Iwamura – HR yesterday. Sitting under your MI trellis with Everth Cabrera, Gordon Beckham and Alexei Ramirez and Akinori walks up with a nice glass of iced tea. Do you ask someone to get up so Aki can sit down? Right now, Iwamura’s hitting at the bottom of the lineup, but that could change if he hits. But really the best thing you can hope for from him is Runs and only if he’s at the top of the lineup.
Joba Chamberlain – 3 IP, 2 ER. The Yankees said they were abandoning Joba Rules (skipping him). But it seems like they’re just altering the rules to include starting him but then pulling him early in games (after 35 pitches on Sunday). That does no one any good in fantasy. Punt!
Jermaine Dye – HR yesterday as he went 2-for-11 over the weekend with one RBI. I’m still fine with abandoning him. Don’t look back in anger, Liam.
Matt Kemp – HR yesterday and recently he’s been batting in the top half of the lineup. A commenter asked me if I would draft Sizemore or Kemp first in 2010. At first I said Sizemore, but it’s very close and I could see February Grey changing his mind on that. Kemp really has been that great this year.
Bronson Arroyo – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER. His run of quality starts continues. I don’t play for Wins because they’re hard to predict, but I will say Arroyo has been miserably unlucky… Or maybe the Reds have just been miserably bad. Either way, Arroyo’s not a great bet for wins, but he’s been solid in ratios.
Sean West – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. Has a respectable ERA (4.22) but a terrible K/BB ratio (47/35). He gets the Nationals and the Mets in his next two starts. To some that may sound like the cat’s meow and the cat’s pajamas. Well, I’m not a cat person.
Adrian Gonzalez – Sat out two straight days with a bicep(s?) injury. He pinch hit though on Sunday so it shouldn’t be too serious. I did enjoy seeing Oscar Salazar batting third yesterday. He’s the 1st baseman; first basemen bat 3rd! Bonkers, I tell ya. Bonkers… Oh, but it did work as Salazar went 3-for-4. Inconceivable!
Feliz Pie – Has 3 homers in the last four games while batting near .400 over the last week. That’s some tasty pee-ay.
Paul Byrd – 6 IP, 6 baserunners, 0 ER as he got the start for the Sawx. I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Garrett Jones – Hit his 16th homer yesterday. In other news, are you kidding me?!
Julio Borbon – Only got on base once and he stole a base. Can someone conference call Alcides Escobar and Borbon so we can get Alcides running? I’ll moderate/translate. Anyone know how to say SAGNOF in Spanish?
Carlos Zambrano – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners. This ain’t exactly like predicting in 1975 that OJ Simpson will one day kill his wife, but end up in prison for trying to steal his own memorabilia, but when you can’t get out of the 4th inning vs. the Mets something is not right.
Kendry Morales – 2-for-4 with his 30th homer yesterday. He hits .311 on the year as he nears 100 RBIs. Still, I get the feeling he might be underrated next year.
Zach Greinke – 1 hitter vs. the Mariners. Hopefully, the BBWAA can skim their eyes to the right of his Win total.
Russell Branyan – Headed to the DL. But, wait, who’s going to give me my 1-for-12 with a homer every third game? Later, Branyan. Way to regress to your subpar norm in the 2nd half.
Carlos Gonzalez – Returned with a stolen base. Hopefully, CarGo can pick up where he left off before his steak and ail.