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Phil Hughes – Oh Phillip, you sure had me fooled bud. You were having a nice season and had a very nice matchup with Seattle this week. You’ve always dominated Seattle, Phil. Your career numbers against them were staggering, and here Seattle was, coming into your house. I fully expected the taste of victory, but you pulled an R. Kelly, urinating all over my face, down my throat and even in my eyes, causing temporary blindness as well as hours upon hours of regurgitation. The fact that  I would surely be delighted if someone “Nancy Kerrigan’ed” Hughes this weekend almost makes me feel demonic.

Howard Hughes could have put up a superior performance on the mound Wednesday night. And that’s after locking himself in his theater room for months on end, filling up countless milk bottles with calcium enhanced piss. I truly believe in my heart that Howard could have come out of exclusion, walked into Yankee stadium, and shown at least 3 times the testicular fortitude than the constant let down we know as Phil. Hold on. What?? Howard Hughes is dead? Who cares? Dig up his rotting carcass, sprinkle some voodoo on him to get him movin like Bernie,”and throw him out there. On a side note that down south dance and rap song inspired by the Weekend at Bernies saga is one of the more underrated trends to ever hit the United States and died out much too quickly in my opinion. Peep game

If we all do our part, we may be able to make this song relevant again. He might even be interested in the Razzball podcast but I’d have to host as Capozzi doesn’t speak fluent ebonics. He speaks Canadian though, so that’s cool. Or not. Anyway let’s get to to what else I saw in fantasy this week. Do it like Bernie!

Justin Verlander - Even the almost undisputed Stream-O-Nator couldn’t predict this sort of peasantry out of Verlander. Putting up a -13 on the score board can end your week real quick in points leagues and that now makes 2 atrocious starts in a row. I haven’t liked how he’s looked all year to tell you the truth and frankly, I’m worried. No I didn’t go nerd on you and look up a bunch of stats to support my theory but I know his velocity is down a bit, and this season he’s had more wood make contact with his balls than Ru Paul. I’d look to trade him if I were you. Any man who would break up with this, doesn’t deserve to be on your roster.

Matt Cain -  Lucked into a win by getting some strong run support, getting his owners 13 points in the process. We all know how points leagues reward the winners and penalize the losers a lot more than in roto scoring and we all know that Cain has struggled so far this season. What to do, what to do….. Hmmmmm. I’d hold for now as I expect a full turnaround.

Hisashi Iwakuma - Meet your 2013 American league Cy Young winner my friends. If you see I-Wak in the streets bow to him and buy him some saki, for he has probably saved your season from disaster or better yet, taken your team to heights you never imagined possible. The “big Kuma” has become so dominant that his 23 points scored on the road in Yankee stadium, were sort of disappointing. Frankly I expect a 9 nine inning shutout almost every time he hits the mound. This isn’t a fluke. The middle aged Hasashi dominated the entire second half of last season and continues to do so this year with reckless abandon. Like a Kamikaze pilot, he doesn’t save anything for his next time on the mound. Respect it. Hey, I’d rather have Iwakuma than Verlander and I’m not even joking. Think about it.

Mitch Moreland - Cancel all plans of moving Kinsler to first base. My boy Mitchy Slick has erupted to the tune of 26 points this week and is showing no signs of slowing down. Who needs Profar? Not this Moreland owner, I can tell you that much. Like Denzel Washington, Moreland is A Man On Fire, only he’s white of course.

Todd Frazier - Oh gee whiz, what do you know, Frazier has -1.5 points on the week so far. I once loved this young man, not in the way a Catholic Priest loves a young man, but for the player I thought he could be. My belief in him is starting to waver and you may want to start looking for a better option as he may cap out at 20 homers. I was hoping for 30 and have been ridiculed for it by some of the other razzball writers. I’m not jumping ship quite yet, but maybe you should. 

Francisco Liriano - I’ve always pulled for Liriano to return to his pre-tommy john form and maybe the time is finally upon us. Seeing tiny glimpses of dominance only to be followed by utter disgrace the past 4-5 seasons, I have pretty much given up hope. Right before he was injured, he was throwing the nastiest stuff I’ve ever seen displayed on the mound. Young children, I kid you not. This man was a future hall of famer and one of my inspirations in life. You may now refer to him as the “butt pirate” but he shall forever be a King in the eyes of God, as well as myself, Tehol Beddict.

Albert Pujols - Every time my Prince Albert starts tingling a Pujols bomb is almost always soon to follow. This slow, injury prone, overpaid old goat can still rake and expecting  anything less than 30 dongs would be uncivilized.

Mike Trout - He who doubts the one they call the fish shall be beaten with a tire iron until thou profusely apologizes, so commands the great and powerful Beddict. How dare you let doubt creep into your mind regarding my preseason MVP pick. This points league legend is seemingly going slam and legs on an almost daily basis right now and I expect numbers comparable to last season when all is said and done. Chuuuuch. Preeeeach. Tabernacle.

Rickie Weeks - Chocolate starfish and hot dog flavored water pretty much describe the stench Weeks’s game produces. Watching Weeks play baseball is like watching Andre 300 act. You wanna like him and you respect him for what he did in the past, but something just seems wrong. I’d drop him if there was anyone even remotely serviceable on the waiver wire. Speaking of Andre Benjamin, his song “Roses” is one of the worst songs of all time. How was this popular? The phrase “smells like boo boo” is disgusting and makes me cringe. Who made it cool to use this term. Just say Sh!t for the love of God. I can’t take it! I cannot take Weeks’s play. Bench him.

Jordan Zimmerman - The man I refer to as “White Chocolate” continues to dazzle the national league with his startlingly dominant repertoire of pitches. Why do I call him white chocolate you ask? Because white people aren’t supposed to be this good at sports, that’s why. Kudos to you if you drafted this pitching savant. The 24.5 points he dropped in his first start is only an appetizer for what is yet to come in this two start bonanza.

Travis Wood - Another start, another 27 points. How do people continue to ignore this wizard? Better yet, why did Cincy trade him for a middle reliever? Wood is like Greg Maddux reincarnated right now and I suggest you ride this train till it falls off the track.

Justin Masterson - Heeeeeeeeeeee’s back. Of course he was on my bench.

Patrick Corbin - This run has to end soon…..Doesn’t it?……. DOESN’T IT!?!?!?!?!? This is killing me. Corbs gave me a couple decent starts last year but I didn’t know he had this kind of upside. Enjoy it while you can.

That’s all the time we have this week razzballers. As per usual your questions and comments will swiftly be responded to. Check me out on twitter if you want to be a part of the movement . I received more hate mail last week then ever before, and that is saying something. For any of you “touched” by a catholic priest or Sky growing up, I sincerely apologize. I hope you will continue to read my articles, if only to bash me and demand that Grey fire me. In Beddicts name we pray. Amen.

From Around The Web

  1. D Rich says:
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    Frazier!! He came on the scene like 50 Cent, but now he looks funnier in the light than Officer Ricky shirtless in MIA. Can you please tell me what happened to this guy Frasier?! With that ball park and lineup do you see him heating up this summer?!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: D riich , i wish I knew what do with this steaming pile of cow dung. His play literally keeps me up nights and im forced to pop nyquil just to get to bed. They have no other option so I assume he has a decent year but nowhere near what you, I, nor Grey the god was expecting. I think my next post is going to focus squarely on officer ricky rozay and the fakeness in todays rap game

      • D Rich says:
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        You should do your own fantasy version of Pimpin Curly on here haha

  2. Omrider says:
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    As a Reds fan, I’ve seen lots of Frazier’s at bats. He is just getting killed on breaking balls away, chasing them out of the zone and missing. The league seems to know this now, and he’s not getting the fastballs he likes to take deep.

    I dumped him from two teams last week, picked up Moreland. I’m Morethan happy about it.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Omrider: cant blame u there bud. thanks for the insight. Please inform me when you see an improvement in his pitch recognition. The man is killing me. Moreland was the right choice.

  3. Thomas says:
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    Konerko is killing me. Time to switch to LaRoche? Or a vacant lineup spot?

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      Go with LaRoche

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Thomas: being that he was Gilpins “Fantasy MVP” selection, that might be a slap to his face, so yea im all for dumping him. i dont think id straight drop him though but it seems possible the man known as “father time” has finally reached his end. thank you sky for chiming in

      • Sky

        Sky says:
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        Sorry about that, Tehol, I thought it was on Grey’s post; glad we’re of like-mind just like we’re of like body.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Sky: sometimes I think I’m you

          • Sky

            Sky says:
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            Haha

  4. Sparky8 says:
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    So are you dropping Hughes then?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sparky8: Not only did I drop him, but I wrote him, his agent, and his mother a 20 page letter fully describing my hatred. I couldnt drop kick that guy off my roster fast enough.

  5. Splendid Sphincter says:
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    Jose Quintana drop-able for someone like Andrew Cashner?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Splendid Sphincter: not a bad idea. yea i would consider that. I like the national league

  6. shibboleth says:
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    Great read, thanks

    I was high on Frazier too but flipped him for a tidy profit. It was nice to know Frazier could haul in the goods. That multi-position eligibility likely helped.

    As for Corbin, I still like him and hold out hope for more Good Things. Solid GB%, nothing crazy in the BABIP department. Great fastball pitch value. I’ll ride this one into the ground because it’s likely no one will buy high.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @shibboleth: Glad you enjoyed compadre! yea you never know on Corbin but I’m ridin him right now. It’s possible you could flip him for a need but nothing equal in value to what he’s producing obviously .

  7. Brendan says:
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    Kind of a story time. 3ish years ago I joined a keeper league with my friends and never did fantasy before and got auto drafted a whole team. My first 5 rounds were pitchers Josh Johnson, Tim Lincecum, Jimenez, Weaver and Verlander. I forgot who I traded Johnson and Timmy for but I got Beltre for Jimenez and Votto for Weaver. Verlander has been my favorite pitcher for the past couple of years (aside for a little crush on Wainwright). Who do you think I could get for Verlander? Strasburg? Darvish? or should I just hang onto him?

    Just completed a trade I gave up Carl Crawford to get Beachy. Thoughts?

    Plus diggin your twitter account! Always get a good laugh from your tweets haha.

    • Brendan says:
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      @Brendan: Also need to pick up an extra bat I was thinking DeJesus, David Murphy or Viciedo (he was in Grey’s Buy). Thoughts? Our league only penalizes KOs -0.5 pts.

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Brendan: id go with vicedio man for sure. I like what he’s about and hes hitting ok right now

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brendan: thanks for the story man. i always have interest in dynasty or keeper leagues. sounds like a lights out staff…..in 2003. but yea i would trade verlander for darvish and probably strausy especially in keeper league. As i said In my post he just doesnt look right to me. glad you like the tweets my man haha.

  8. Allan says:
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    I have to ask, why all the Corbin doubt? I see it everywhere. After every start all I see is comments to the tune of get rid of him no way it lasts. Then he goes out and throws another quality start. He seems legit to me. His velocity has increased while most of the established aces have lost velocity. Its not like this is his 10th year in the majors and he came out of nowhere, its only his second who says he isnt capable of this? Granted he is going to have bad games but even the best do, look at Verlander last night.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Allan: I think the doubt just comes from him not being a huge prospect but looked upon as more of a 3 or 4 starter buy hey not every star pitcher was a big time prospect and the ability is obviously there. maybe he’s a future cy young candidate. maybe he’s a future number 4 starter in the diamondback rotation. we shall see. Im just thinking u probably couldnt get equal value in a trade for him right now unless someone was desperate

  9. Frank Lynch says:
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    Wasup Mayn!! Hey I was wondering, I know BJ Upton has been in a huge slump but someone dropped him and he’s been on the wire. Should I pick him up or does he deserve to be on the wire??

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: depends on ur roster. I’d add him for sure in my league if he was available. Frank i miss u buddddddy

      • Frank Lynch says:
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        I miss you too! You don’t even call me anymore YOU BASTARD!!! LOL.. But yo If I send you a question it takes you usually a day to answer. I just thought you just had a busy life

        • Frank Lynch says:
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          Wieters
          Fielder
          altuve
          starlin castro
          Zimmerman
          MCcutchen
          Justin upton
          matt holliday
          Carl Crawford
          Donaldson
          Jose Reyes DL
          I don’y mind having one batter on my bench but ID like anymore then that cause look at my lineup,,, I can’t bench any of these guys for nothing really.. I’d rather have allot more pitchers cause at least they’re getting me points every week unlike having sitting ducks on my batters bench. You feel me? Should I still grab Upton cause besides the DL, I have nobody on my batters bench. What u think?

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Frank Lynch: nah man i always have my phone with me so I can answer whenever.

          • Tehol Beddict

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: id onsider droping donaldson for him as there is no way he keeps this up.

  10. G Penny says:
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    Not that many people will be looking for him at the moment, but what’s fair value for Frazier in a trade? Can you give a few players? The guy may just be slumping after all, and those RBIs don’t just grow on trees…

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @G Penny: oh man, thats tough. You’d be selling extremely low right now and doubt you get anyone significant for him at this moment but you could find a believer who would maybe give up a solid pitcher. or maybe a speed guy and a closer? tough to just name names, i mean the guy has been worthless as of late. what are u looking for position wise?

      • G Penny says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Nothing in particular, as my team has been solid aside from his fall off. I just don’t want to drop! Please slap me in the face if that’s how stupid this question is.. but Arenado sitting there untouched as a free agent.. I should make the switch right this second shouldn’t I? *braces for impact*

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @G Penny: Penny I would never slap u in the face as you mean so much to me. Even I must admit this is a tough call. I don’t think I would do it. You must have some scrub you can drop for Arenado????? some bench warmer? a worthless pitcher? lets make this happen for you G

  11. Boonit says:
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    which catcher would you rather have rest of the year : Perez or McCann

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Boonit: I prefer Mccann Boonit. pleasure speaking with you my friend

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @t: Is this Doug??????? please god tell me it is so. i’ve been seARCHING for u for years.

      • t says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        And you are? Other than a Malazan denizen…

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @t: It’s LT big dog.

          • t says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:

            Ahahaha, that is hilarious. Glad you are doing well.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @t: where r u dude. Ive been harassing gail on favebook for Inside info

              • t says:
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                @Tehol Beddict:

                I hide in the mountains of Oregon. What about yourself?

                • Tehol Beddict

                  Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @t: was in san diego for 6/7 years just moved back to washington. living in seattle. lt.murray@gmail.com hit me up some time if u come up plus i work in tacoma

  12. Tecmoballz says:
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    hit the nail on the head with that stupid ass roses song….and i thought i was the only one that thought the boo boo line was rediculous.

    do you think yu darvish will K 300 +?

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