As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league. I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed. As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept. A few hours later, I woke in a panic. Water was dripping from my forehead. Was there a leak in my bed? No. I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9. (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value. They are going to be so rare! Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card! Better hold on to that one! Wally Joyner has some pop! Stock up! Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent! Put that one in a sleeve! Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel. Alas…) Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous? Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word. But he’s a rookie. A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare. Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight. Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack. In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week. Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer. That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you. Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility. How’s that for a hard sell? Or is it a hard Buy? Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…
Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s. Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage. Hopefully Nucky backs him. It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside. Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station? Way to reach your potential! Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.
Jason Bartlett – Speaking of black holes, it’s the Padres offense! “I’ve been hitting the ball well for the last ten days.” That’s a Bartlett quotation.
Carlos Pena – He’s over the ESPN ownership threshold that I usually look for (50% owned), but, even in ESPN leagues where the majority of the leagues are one owner with ten aliases, Pena should be owned more than he is.
Eric Hinske – This is the type of player I don’t like telling people to pickup outside of deep NL-Only leagues because at any moment he’ll either go back to the bench or start sucking from the suckhole.
Brandon Belt – He should be back any day (week?) now. As we saw on his first trip through the majors, there’s no guarantee on how he’ll perform, but he should be better than he was.
Scott Rolen – You know what Scott Rolen is? Gritty! He’s cut from a different cloth than today’s players. And he seems like a total douche. While he’s healthy, I’d grab him. He’s usually good for a short term add.
Rafael Furcal – He should be back within a week, so that puts his next DL-stint ETA at around three weeks from now. Any the hoo! You should own him while he’s playing (assuming you don’t have one of around 20 middle infielders that are better and/or less injury-prone).
Laynce Nix – He’s hitting around .400 over the least week. Him and his brother, Jayson, tend to get hot for about one week a year. Usually they’re pretty layme. “I’m gonna make you eat that mustache of yours!” That’s their drunk, unemployed brother, Jaymes, prank calling me.
Corey Patterson – Started with Justin Turner Overdrive and now we’re talking about Corey “I could easily go 0-for-35 at any moment” Patterson. This Buy post is a barn burner like the posse searching for John Wilkes Booth.
Roger Bernadina – I feel like I’ve heard his name somewhere before… Let me check my Memento-style tattoos: 1. Talk about Bernadina. 2. On Razzball. 3. There’s no 3.
Eric Thames – Don’t you wanna call him Ericus Thames? Hey, maybe it’s just me! He put up some pretty spectacular numbers in the PCL, but, as we all know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat. Thames still has pop… Jose Bautista, “Call me Dad.” Um, okay, Bautista. If I were in an AL-Only league, I’d grab Thames for a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), but he’ll probably strike out a ton and I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.
Domonic Brown – He’s going to get called up within the next two weeks. Or my name is not Grey “I’ll Admit To Seeing Brian Setzer In Concert…Once!” Albright.
Fernando Salas – Looks to be locked in as Cards closer, which, obviously, means he could get replaced by Sunday.
Wilton Lopez – Melancon is good to poop on, I wouldn’t even waste my waste on Lyon and Lopez is buried in the bullpen of a team that doesn’t win. It’s not great, but that’s why they call it SAGNOF.
Jamey Wright – SAGNOF!
Jake Arrieta – People are starting to catch on at ESPN that Arrieta should be owned, so be careful because that means he’s due for an explosion like you after a meal at El Torito.
Josh Johnson – No, don’t trade him for an autographed picture of Phyllis Diller. But, yeah, I don’t like his injury history and he just had a forearm issue. Everyone is saying he’s fine, and I believe them. That still doesn’t mean another injury isn’t right around the corner.
Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper puts his pants on like everyone else. One leg at a time. Only he pulls a hamstring when he does it. I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.
Justin Morneau – Hit his 2nd home run yesterday. As Arnold used to say about his lover, “I love four baggers.” We all do, Arnie. But Morneau still doesn’t look right. He’s too skinny. Is he prepping a model chic look for Milan? He looks malnourished like you should be sending a dollar a month to Minnesota to get him clean water and a bowl of rice. I don’t know if his concussion led him to a diet of raw foods and Master Cleanses but something is up. That’s between me, you and the guy behind you who’s photocopying his hand while he reads over your shoulder. So you parlay this “Morneau is back after his home run!” chatter and see if you can pawn him off for anything to another owner. Now is your time to sell– nay, it’s your duty to act. Go forth, young, socially awkward man and prosper!