Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand. Hello, bullpen? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks. AHHHHH! Now you feel a little sick. Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves. That’ll keep you going through the show. Come on, it’s time to go. But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Michael Stutes could get some saves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves. Unless you have become comfortably numb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A. During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero. There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year. Great, wonderful, fantastic! Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and he was hideous in April this year. And that’s me copying, pasting, liberally quoting and adding addendums to me!
Shin-Soo Choo – As I reported here on Monday after inferring shizz from other sites, Choo’s out until September, having surgery on his thumb. I’d lose him in redraft leagues where you don’t have DL room. What a waste of a draft pick. Ah, Choo… Bless you.
Doug Davis – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER. The Cubs should reduce their DD. It’s just sloppy.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-9 for the doubleheader. For when someone does terrible on both sides of a doubleheader, it sounds like we need an alternate glossary definition for a player dropping a deuce.
Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s totally charmed right now. He actually gets hit in this game as he should be and the Giants score the most runs they have all year. (This wasn’t fact checked, but it’s probably accurate.)
Miguel Tejada – 3-for-6 with a home run. They must have some great B-12 in Chicago.
Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. About a month ago, we almost pulled the trigger on a trade of Heath Bell and Pence for Cliff Lee. With Pence’s injury and Bell about to be traded, could see that being one that we Mr. Bungled.
Jonathan Broxton – Will be out for at least a month and a half. Mattingly said he’d consider it a bonus if Broxton pitched again this year. Doesn’t a bonus come on top of something good? Where is Strunk & White to let them know it’s not correct grammar to say something like, “My best friend is sleeping with my wife, but I’d consider it a bonus if he used a condom.”
Javy Guerra – He’s the guy to own in the Dodgers bullpen. (For that one save opportunity every month or so.)
Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Last time out, I said he was unstartable, but then I saw he was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and I decided to give it a whirl. Now, Lilly and I are done. Lose my number. Wait, he gets the Mets next time out. Why can’t I quit you?!
Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with his third home run in the last 5 games. Looks like Swisher is finally playing as hot as those sideburns make him look. Wait, what? Umm… Awkward… Umm… Yeah, I’d grab Swisher. In fantasy! Um, leagues.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals. That’s nice, but he’s not long for a starting job. Pasta Diving is up and running.
Vernon Wells – 4-for-5 and his 10th home run. Told you last week to grab him, then again on Monday. Don’t make me keep talking about Vernon Wells. Please.
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th home run in the last 10 games while batting near .350 in the last week. I wish I knew how to repay him other than sending him a giant cake that I’m gonna jump out of in my birthday suit. And to think baseball players don’t like fantasy baseball nerds. Pfft!
Zack Greinke – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Yankees for the Bronx cheer.
Josh Johnson – Headed to see his old friend Dr. Freeze because his shoulder’s not 100%. Hundred percent called and said it’s never heard of Josh Johnson’s shoulder.
Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. A’la Nelson Muntz, “HA HA!”
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with 2 home runs. Now has three home runs in his last three games. He won’t dazzle your retinas for long periods of time, but he does look like he’s hot. Get on board!
Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. His K-rate is under 5… C’mon. Seriously. That’s ridiculous.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with a home run. Now has two homers in the last four games and a hit in each of his last five. It ain’t Rasmus burning on the dance floor, but it’s a start. Geiger, let’s go!
Jose Reyes – 4-for-4 and his 29th steal, hitting .349 on the year. Haven’t talked much about Reyes this year because every time I look at him I think about how I wished I owned him on every team and it annoys me.
Jason Bay – Him and Beltran hit grand slams in consecutive innings. Only took three years but the Mets team is really starting to come together. Too bad they’re about to dismantle them.
Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with a pinch hit home run. All Wily Mo does is hit homers! No, really, that’s all he does.
J.J. Putz – Gave up a run on Monday and two runs on Tuesday to blow the save. His ERA is up to 3.12 after starting the month at 1.57. Putz’s blown (hehe) four games this month. I’d grab David Hernandez where you’re desperate for saves.
Chase D’Arnaud – 0-for-4 with a steal. He’s now started three games in a row at 3rd base for the Pirates. In the minors, he stole 33 of 40 last year and 17 of 20 this year. He can’t do much but steal, but maybe he’ll try and prove his worth and, ya know, steal. In deeper leagues, I could see taking the SAGNOF flyer.
Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 10th win. Of course he has ten wins. Why wouldn’t he?! It’s Kevin Correia on the Pittsburgh Pirates! I hate wins.
Alex Presley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first home run. Will see significant time with Tabata to the DL for at least three weeks. Yes, you should pick up Presley. Now if only Fleer still did those novelty cards like Black & Blue with Bud Black and Vida Blue, so we could have an Elvis (Andrus) & (Alex) Presley card. Or Fister-Moore.
Johnny Damon – Went 4-for-6 on Sunday and 2-for-4 with a home run yesterday. Hard for me to give you much enthusiasm for him, so let’s just say he’s seeing the ball well and move on.
Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. He wasn’t quite vintage Hommy, but it’s good to have him back. (Even though I don’t own him…Why again didn’t I draft him? Dah!)
Ichiro Suzuki – Hit his first home run of the year as he bats almost fifty points below his career average. Wow, he got old fast. He might be 52 years old. See, I have this theory that all Asians look young up until 51 years old, then when they turn 52, they look ancient. It’s the Law of Pat Morita. Morita was young looking on Happy Days and under the age of 52. Then Morita turned 52 years old, was in The Karate Kid and looked ancient.
Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 9 Ks. The Gio Grande is obviously no place for Marlins.
Rich Harden – Will be activated on Friday (and DL’d on Saturday). I wouldn’t bother with him. He hasn’t pitched more than 4 2/3 IP in any game so far in his rehab, which is hilarious to me. “Just keep him healthy long enough for me to trade him.” That’s Brad Pitt playing the part of Billy Beane. Making room for Harden, Graham Godfrey is moving to the bullpen to the dismay of all the pitchers out there who can’t stand his loud, piercing voice and his penchant for roasting other pitchers. “People think Brian Fuentes is a bad guy because he bad-mouthed Bob Geren. They are incorrect. He’s a bad man because he KILLED A MEXICAN IN A COLORADO SLAUGHTERHOUSE. WITH HIS OWN HANDS. HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE MEAT GRINDER. YOU EXPECT THAT FROM A KRAUT LIKE MICHAEL WUERTZ. BUT IT WAS FUENTES. AGAINST ONE OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!” That’s Graham Godfrey.