Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes. Hungover, I rolled out of bed. I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep. An hour later, it started beeping again. So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping. Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again. I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep. About 5 hours later, it started beeping again. I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector. Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure. Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same. No more beeping…. Until Tuesday at 2 AM. So I took all three smashed smoke detectors and threw them in the dumpster. When I returned from the dumpster, more beeping. It was like I was in England during the German raids of WWII. The tell-tale heart was beat, beat, beating. The next morning, I called a electrician to come by. He said he couldn’t make it until Thursday, so I wore headphones all day Wednesday to block out the beeping. Finally, on Thursday, the electrician showed up at my house and installed new smoke detectors. In broken English, he told me everything was now fine. I could remove my headphones. Just then, there was more beeping. Ah-ha! See?! I’m not crazy! So the electrician followed the beeping sound and found the culprit. In a desk drawer, there was a malfunctioning alarm clock. I don’t tell you this story so you question all advice I give you, but this smoke detector dance reminded me of picking up free agents in fantasy baseball. Alex Gordon hits. You pick him up. He stops hitting. You drop him. He starts hitting again. You pick him up again. He stops hitting. You smash him with a hammer, throw him in the dumpster and promise yourself you’ll never pick him up again. Then he hits again and you grab him. I don’t have a lot of faith that Gordon will continue his production all year, but you absolutely have to pick him up just to see if he’s the real deal or just a malfunctioning alarm clock. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Belt – I almost didn’t put Belt in this week’s Buy because I figured everyone already owns him. Then I saw he was only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues. Quick lesson that I learned freshman year at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston. When choosing between random boring vet that could give you 25 homers (Juan Rivera) and upside, you always take a flyer on upside.
Mark Trumbo – See 1/8th of an inch above.
Juan Miranda – I have less faith in Miranda than the two above him, but he’s also guaranteed better playing time than those two. If Ross returns and Belt isn’t hitting, he could lose his job. When Kendry(s) returns, Trumbo could lose his job. Whereas, the Diamondbacks said they want to see Miranda at first and backing him up is Russell Branyan. With all due respect to Mrs. Branyan and son, Billy, and the whole Branyan family tree, Russell is not someone the Diamondbacks should turn to for any extended period of time.
Jordan Walden – I’m not you’re babe, Fernando… Even Fernando Rodney will admit that he was only the closer because he was scary looking. He’s got Closer Face. 3 sentences, 2 Lady Gaga references. I will now donate my testicles to science. Could Walden be Neftali Feliz for 2011? Could be, young Razzball reader.
Sean Burnett – While save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. “How do I look in this dress?” “Very skinny, Sean Burnett.” “Did you just call me, Sean Burnett?” “No.” Save vultures should be picking on Burnett’s carcass.
Brandon League – He’s getting the saves now. What, you’re above grabbing a few saves while Aardsma’s out? Well, ain’t you the meow’s cat.
David Aardsma – He should be back in two weeks. Do your leagues not have DL spots?
Chris Narveson – I just wrote my Narveson fantasy. If you read it backwards, it says, “Satan is a pygmy.”
Edwin Jackson – Just went over him this morning. Scroll down. Not with your eyes. With your mouse.
Charlie Morton – Has now appeared in two straight Buy/Sells. Still has a long way to go to break the record six straight weeks that I spent touting Luke Scott last year.
Aaron Harang – I was just thinking how Petco was where Dusty Baker threw Harang’s career off track three years ago during an indefensible relief outing. Dusty, “Harang, I need four innings from you three days after your last start. Muahahahahaha… Wait, did I just laugh maniacally out loud? My bad.” Harang should have the PA system at Petco play Redemption Song when he takes the mound.
Kyle Drabek – Slightly bonkers to me that Drabek is owned in 70% more ESPN leagues than Brandon Beachy. I like Drabek, but I kinda don’t want any AL East pitchers, in general.
Brandon Beachy – Give me the password to your fantasy team and I’ll pick him up for you.
Chris Iannetta – Iannetta tweeted the other day, “In my fantasy league, even I own Kurt Suzuki. #what’swrongwiththeworld?”
Russell Martin – Owned in only 37.5% of ESPN leagues, but I guess 40% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, so that’s about right.
Alfonso Soriano – He hits in April then his knees get grammie.
Logan Morrison – I have a feeling this year Morrison is going to be one of those players that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues but floats on the top of waiver wires in mixed leagues.
Ben Francisco – More for those in deep mixed leagues because his ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin Flemmer Building.
Michael Morse – Hey, you tried to go with the latest/greatest/superlative outfield flyer, but he looks lost.
Michael Cuddyer – Sticking with the newly established Michael theme, Cuddyer is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues, but Morrison is owned in 31%. Okie-dokie.
Kurt Suzuki – He’s such garbage that garbage is filing a copyright infringement case against him.
Brian Roberts - Smoke a Newport, because Roberts is alive with pleasure! He’s rejuvenated, he’s hitting for power, he’s stealing bases, he’s… Oh, c’mon, it’s not going to last. He has a history of knee, hip and back problems. That sounds like someone who will be sliding hard into 2nd on steal attempts and staying healthy? Yeah, I don’t think so either. I wouldn’t sell Roberts for a copy of Ring Magazine with Abdullah the Butcher on the cover, but I would explore options.