Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.

When you’re looking at pitcher matchups for fantasy baseball, sometimes the cards just align for certain guys.  On the right day, Piniero can look like Winiero.  Or Jamie Moyer looks like “Play Me” Moyer.  Or Carl Pavano becomes Pava-yes. *Grey groans at his own wordplay*  It’s all about the matchups, right?  Anyone can win against the Nats… Well, maybe.  Maybe not.  I decided to look at teams in general to see what their overall stats could tell us about potential fantasy baseball matchups.

Best Team OBP – Cleveland Indians – You look at their overall record and you may think they’re a terrible team, but they’re getting on base and scoring runs.  It’s their pitching that’s Les Miserables.

Most Team Strikeouts – Florida Marlins – What’s that, a fifty-eight foot change in the dirt?  Don’t worry, Uggla will swing.

Worst Home Slugging – Chicago White Sox – They’re tied with San Diego, which isn’t surprising, but isn’t Cellular supposed to favor hitters.  Yeah, for the visiting team.

Terrible Against Lefties – Oakland A’s, Orioles, Pirates, Padres, Cardinals – Those are the bottom five teams against lefties in regards to OPS.  Makes sense since four of those five teams’ biggest threats are lefties and the Cards only have one hitter.

Terrible Against Everyone – Giants, A’s, Mariners – No surprises here.   Matt Holliday is the only hitter on any of those teams slightly scary.  Well, him and Mike Sweeney.  But Mike only when he’s drunk.

Easiest Teams To Steal Against – Red Sox, Marlins, Yankees – Tek, Baker and (Insert Yankee Fill-In Catcher), I blame you.  (BTW, The Padres were fifth.  Ah, if only Cristal Young pitched every day…)

Hardest Teams To Steal Against – Cards, Astros, Braves – The urban legend goes that Yadier once threw out a runner in Petco while he was catching in Busch.  The runner was Adrian Gonzalez.

Surprisingly Solid OPS – Washington Nats – When I saw they had a near-800 OPS, I shutdown my internet browser.  Restarted it.  Cleared my cookies, which is to say I vomited.  Then looked up the stats again.  Nats are actually decent offensively and have more runs scored than the Mets.  The Nats are also the fourth highest OPS in the majors in Away games.

Crazy Home/Away Splits – Cleveland Indians – They have a .697 OPS in Home games and top three in Away games with a .825.  Maybe when they’re home they should stay in a Holiday Inn Express.

The Carpenter/Gallardo duel reminded me of Landon and Brittini taking on Mark and Rachel as they competed to see who could slide the furthest on giant blocks of ice while wearing nothing but speedos.  (BTW, Nice to see Mark battling the ageism of MTV.  Stick it to man!  Wait, he is a man.  Show those rapscallions, gramps!)   Chris Carpenter went 8 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 10 Ks, then Yovani Gallardo removed his fey white gloves and went 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, i.e., the other end of the duel.  Going forward, I’d trade Carpenter away and trade for Gallardo.  You may be right, I may be crazy.  Gallardo can throw 200 Ks and a sub-4 ERA.  While Carpenter will be tremendous if healthy, but that if is supersized.  Now, no one’s saying to trade him for a Circuit City gift card, but I’d see what kind of deals you can broker.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – He fell to the ground in pain like he was just, um, capped as a line drive hit him in the arm.  It looked as if it could lead to a DL stint.  I grabbed John Grabow in every league.  Jesse Chavez might see some chances, but I’m not intoxicated enough to own two Pirate relievers.

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks, then Bill Hall hit the game winner.  That’s not how it’s supposed to work out.  The good news was Gamel was playing without the DH.  Though we’ll see how long that lasts.

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.   Hughes remembers where he lost his “Next Big Thing” Award.  It was sitting next to his “Can’t Decide Whether He’s Good Or Not” trophy.

Nelson Cruz – Last six games, 5 homers, 4 steals, batting .294 on the season. I say he gets up to about .309 then it bottoms out to .275, then he cranks it up to .304, then trips up to .280, then… Well, you get the picture.

Gil Meche – Was a mess throwing 73 pitches through two and a third innings.  Somehow only allowing two earned.  I’d run him out there in his next start vs. the White Sox, then we might need to reevaulate.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 12 baserunners, 6 unearned runs.  The Lords of Fantasy Baseball granted me my one wish this year and made Wandy’s 1st inning debacle all unearned runs.  Tie my to the WHIPping post and call me grateful.

Aaron Harang – After hours of a rain delay, Dusty sent Harang back out there for one out to get a Win.  Arm injuries be damned!  Leave it to Dusty.

Joey Votto – Seems to only have an ear infection at the inception of the game.  Is he trying out for the Fear Strikes Out remake?  You my friend are no Anthony Perkins.

Hunter Pence – Quietly hitting .358 on the season.  I say quietly because he only has 5 HRs and 5 steals.  Hey, you’ll take it and like it, but I have to think the average will come down — but the power should go up.

Jonathan Papelbon – Got the save but gave up two earned and another homer.   There’s a few options in the Sawx bullpen for Tito to turn to, but I don’t think it’s going to get that far for another week or two of meltdowns.

Joe Mauer – He didn’t start, but he did get another homer.  Without seeing the highlights, I’m going to assume he hit this one from the bench.

Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners.  F-Liriano.  No, that’s not a nickname.  That’s my sentiment.

Jorge De La Rosa – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hey, only two walks!

Juan Pierre - 2-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and .385 on the season.  When Manny returns, Pierre may be traded to a club that needs a full-time outfielder, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mr. T – Sung the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley yesterday, but even more comical is the groans he made throughout the half inning he was in the booth.  If I had the techno know-how, I would’ve recorded the audio.  After a double play, Mr. T, “Grrr… Oh, man.  Grrr…. Grrr…”

Chad Gaudin – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Someone remind never to start him outside of Petco.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday while only walking one.   When I’m modifying walk with “only,” he’s still not out of the woods.

Freddy Sanchez – 6-for-6, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Please… That’s like Joe Mauer through a half inning.

Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 1 ER. There’s the Guthrie I fell in love with it.  I wouldn’t run him out there for his next start vs. the Tigers, but I’ll be monitoring him.  Someone’s gotta, right?

George Sherrill – Recorded his 10th save and his ERA’s down to 2.75.  Making a run for Donkey-corn status.

Brian Roberts – Hurt his shin then stayed in the game to double and triple.  Yeah, that doesn’t sound too serious.

Travis Ishikawa – 4-for-4 with a homer just days after Bochy says Guzman will see more ABs.  Could someone take Bill Hall and Ishikawa to the Pine Barrens?

Kenji Johjima – His little piggy went to the hospital in a splint.  Rob Johnson’s as boring as his name.  Maybe Jeff Clement is finally removed from purgatory.  (Speaking of purgatory, I saw Angels & Demons this weekend.  Grey leaves his computer!  News at 11!  For the trailer… From a terrible book to an awful movie, watch as Tom Hanks, with distractingly dyed hair, runs around in search of pointing statues!  Everyone seems guilty, except the guy who is!  At least there’s no albinos!)

Adam Kennedy/Ichiro Suzuki – These two opposing lead-off hitters both went 4-for-4.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two lead-off hitters in the same game both went 4-for-4.  Actually… They didn’t say that.  But this was heard recently around the offices, “For the third time this week, Bob put his garbage can on his desk and labelled it, ‘In.’”

Francisco Rodriguez – Not sure how in two days he went from “crying over back pain” to the mound with his violent delivery, but there he was again.  Guess he’s *pinkie to mouth* OK-Rod.

Jose Reyes – Still out.  Does Votto and him share a doctor?  Maybe one of them can call K-Rod’s.

Ervin Santana – 1 IP, 7 ER.  Honestly, I don’t think he’ll be this bad going forward, but I did tell you to trade Ervin away two weeks ago.

Vladimir Guerrero – Returned to the lineup and went 0-for-4.  Hey, he had a better game than Ervin.

Alexei Ramirez – Now apologize for hating him for 2 months.  Not to me, to him.

Carlos Quentin – Left the game after running out a double.  His heel could nag him all year.  Can they give someone a cortisone shot in the heel?  Seriously, anyone know? Anyone, besides Joey Votto’s doctor.

David Price – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 BBs, 6 Ks.  Price continued where he left off in Triple-A, which is not good.  He’s walking too many guys and his home run rate is up.  Hopefully, he can figure out his major malfunction.

J.P Izzywheelfourson – Meet Implosion.  Implosion meet J.P. Izzywheelfourson.  For those keeping track, and you all should be, Nelson pitched a perfect 7th and Wheeler didn’t pitch at all.  So Izzy may have been the closer coming in, but Wheeler and Howell move up just by staying out of that meltdown and Nelson moves up by pitching well.  Or… Izzy + Balfour < Nelson + Wheeler + Howell = Ulcer.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4.  Yesterday, I said pickup Ben Zobrist.

Carl Crawford – 29 steals, zero times caught.  That’s remarkable.  I didn’t even know he faced the Padres.

On Sunday, Akinori Iwamura was carted off the field. (No, it wasn’t some sorta Japanese custom when a player makes an out.)  So Reid Brignac may get some short-term value if the Rays play him.  Right now, they don’t seem committed to that plan.  And, frankly, I can see why.  He hasn’t exactly been tearing it up in Triple A.  The Rays should go to Ben Zobrist aka The Best Home Run Hitter In The World With The Last Name Zobrist.  With shortstop eligibility and potentially 2nd base, Zobrist will have value getting everyday at-bats.  Much has been made of Zobrist’s out-of-the-blue power surge.  The only explanation that seems to be out there is that he worked in the offseason with Jaime Cevallos, The Swing Mechanic.  (Turns out he helped Little Jake Current too!)  Honestly, I don’t think it matters much for Ben Zobrist since he already has shortstop eligibility.  It’s worth a flier to see if the power continues.  Just don’t cut anyone too worthwhile for that flier, including Little Jake Current — he’s got power to all fields!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Troy Percival – Hit the DL and made J.P. Izzywheelfourson the closer.  I grabbed Nelson and Wheeler anywhere I could.  This could easily become Isringhausen’s… Or Balfour’s… Or Howell’s.  Unlike the Nats ‘pen, the guy who wins the Rays raffle will have value so it’s worth grabbing one and praying it ends up being your guy.  The Rays used Izzy last on Saturday like he was a closer, though it was a non-save situation.  If you don’t have room in 12 team leagues and shallower, I’d cut Percy.  The next game he may be closing is the Hall of Famers vs. Non-Hall of Famers Game, which would take place during the All-Star Game festivites, if I had my way.  Like you wouldn’t pay to see Lee Smith try to prove his case against Gary Carter.  Would have to be better than watching Kenny Mayne throw like a girl.  (I’m still holding out hope for the Fattest Guy With No Power Home Run Derby too.  C’mon, Sandoval vs. Billy Butler!  Or everyone’s (soon-to-be) favorite contest, Worst Strikeout Pitcher Faces Off Against Chris Davis!  C’mon, Joel Pineiro!)

Jesus Guzman – Word out of the Tenderloin is Ishikawa isn’t long for the every day job.  Makes sensei.  He is Sucki-san.  If Guzman somehow pulls himself into an every day job, could be huge in ESPN leagues where he’s inexplicably a shortstop.  Though Guzman did not play on Sunday.  *shakes fist* Bochy!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3 HRs in the last seven games.  I know, Padres hitters are yawnstipating, but the Kouz is hot.

Dexter Fowler – 7-for-15 in his 4 games and batting leadoff.  Has been as good recently as Ian Stewart’s been bad.

Brad Lidge – Hey, whaddya know?  Another blown save!  He has a 9.19 ERA on the year.  Philly says there will be no closer change.  I say yet.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER, which should’ve been one because of a misplay in the outfield.  This was a heartbreaking no decision (for me).

Matt Lindstrom – He embarrassed himself and his family on Saturday then came in on Sunday and retired two guys and walked three before being relieved by Kiko Calero.  Kiko’s pitching the best in the Marlins bullpen, but Nunez hasn’t been awful… Okay, he’s been just all right.  I think Nunez gets the first chance when Lindstrom’s replaced, but it might be Calero.  If you’re a save vulture, you should be grabbing one of them now, because Lindstrom doesn’t seem long for the closer role.

Kelly Johnson – HRs in back-to-back games.  He’s sitting at .252 on the year, he can get up to .280 within a few weeks.

Joe Mauer – Another game, another homer.  I heard Selena Roberts was seen digging through his trash.

Manny Delcarmen – Been lights out so far in middle relief.  Rumors are swirling that he might be headed to the Nats to be their closer with Nick Johnson headed to the Sawx, pushing Big Crapi to the bench.  I don’t think the Sawx have the cojones to bench Papi, they’d have to convince him to go to the Disgraceful List.  In deep leagues, Delcarmen should be owned, though some Mr. B’s probably already have him.

Daniel Murphy, Angel Pagan, Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, Ramon Castro, Ramon Martinez – Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 New York Mets!

Adam Jones – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while stealing his 4th bag.  Should cruise to 25/15, then Jamaica.

Alexei Ramirez – 2 HRs this weekend.  Mazel tov!

Mark Buehrle – Only Mark Buehrle could give up only one run after surrendering 12 hits while striking out only 3.  Cust kayin’.

Joel Hanrahan – Picked up the save with a perfect inning.  Apparently, he’s the closer again.

Adam Dunn – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  That’s not a donkey, this is a donkey.

Emmanuel Burriss – The Giants also announced they would be putting Frandsen into a platoon with Burriss.  Burriss has speed; Frandsen offers nothing.

Pablo Sandoval – Sat out yesterday with elbow trouble and will go for tests on Monday.   I hope they test his cholesterol.

Chris Iannetta – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.   Jessica Alba and Joe Torre hybrid, Yorvit Torrealba, will have some short-term value in deep leagues.  For catchers that could be available in some leagues, I’d go Snyder, Salty, Torrealba or Diaz, in that order.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-4 yesterday, 3 HRs in the last 6 games.  Someone’s in the Way Back Machine.

Josh Outman – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, Zero Ks.  When you don’t strikeout one Diamondback, I’m not buying.

Jason Giambi – Second straight game with a homer.  For those in shallow leagues, he hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Barry Zito – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Glad the old baked Zito showed up just as I added him.

Fred Lewis – Two games, two home runs.  I wish he’d just get to 15/15 in a month then I could drop him, but that’s not how these things work.  Except for Mark Reynolds.

Derrek Lee – Missed Sunday’s game with an undisclosed illness.  I thought it was called Suckitis.

Francisco Rodriguez – Might be the first time I’ve mentioned him in roundup.  (I tend not to mention guys that are doing what they’re supposed to be.)  K-Rod is suffering from back spasms, so the Mets are inserting Putz into their opening.  K-Rod said he’s feeling much better after being medicated.  In other news, K-Rod’s addicted to painkillers.  Sounds like he’ll be back by the end of the week at the latest.

Brandon Phillips – Hairline fracture on thumbkin.  Phillips said, “I told (the Reds) I don’t want to go on the DL.”  Um, okay.  And then you sit out yesterday’s game?  This sounds worse than the Reds are letting on.

Joey Votto – Ear infection had him benched on Sunday after hitting 2 homers on Saturday.  I totally feel for Votto.  Last time I had an ear infection, I rolled around for days crying.  Then again, I was 6 months old.

Brandon McCarthy – 9 IP, 0 ER and 6 Ks.  Solid game, but he’s way too unpredictable to pick up in mixed leagues.   As for this game, maybe McCarthy thought he was facing the Reds.

(Note from Rudy:  I wanted the title, “Ditch Stitch Tits.”  Over Instant Messenger, Grey thickly said, “What’s with you and the stitch tits?  This is about Vlad, not Pamela Anderson.” It means Vlad had a pectoral tear.  Your pectoral is in your chest.  Sorry none of you could bask in my preferred title.  Now, carry on, Grey — lamer!)  Vladimir Guerrero is due back on Monday from a torn pectoral.  I’m not a doctor, but occasionally I played one in my preteen years.  All I know of the pectoral is it’s somewhere in Vlad’s body.  Do I have one?  Maybe.  No idea.  So let’s go with what I do know.  Scioscia lies; he lies when he cries that Vlad can’t play the outfield, but can DH, which he said on April 7th, right before Vlad missed six weeks.  When Vlad did finally hit the DL, some source that Jayson Stark won’t reveal (because this is just so damning I suppose) said, “When those offensive linemen get (the same injury as Vlad) in the NFL, they’re out for the year.”  So, assuming Vlad doesn’t need to block Jose Guillen from trying to tackle Scioscia, will Vlad be in the clear come Monday?  Not likely.  The injury that was only supposed to effect him when he throws has already sidelined him for 6 weeks from hitting.  I’m assuming the Angels brass got together and decided half of a Vlad (or Vl) was a lot more intimidating hitting in the middle of the lineup than sitting on the sidelines doing Sudoku.  This does not mean you need to have him in your fantasy lineup.  Remember last year from June on, Vlad only hit 20 homers, or about what Raul Ibanez has done already (Raul!).  Then you throw in the risk of having a player who is a Latin 34 with deteriorating skills and knees and he’s a sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brian Anderson – Could have some slight value in AL-Only leagues.  Though if you have a erection for longer than 4 hours after picking up Brian Anderson, you should seek advice from a doctor.

David Aardsma – He’s worked his way into the last two Buy/Sells going for the record of 4, which is currently held by last summer’s Cliff Lee when I kept telling people to sell him.  Hmm…

Jorge Posada – I’m not a huge fan of Jorge, but if he’s on waivers right now and you’re hurting for a catcher, I’d stash him in my DL spot.  He’s due back soon.  Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Paul Konerko – Not a thrilling name (he’s no Posada!) but he’s been hitting for average recently with power coming on.  He has 20 more homers in his bat.

Casey Blake – Keeping with the boring veteran theme, Blake’s good for 85/25/95/.270 and one alleged homicide.

Scott Hairston – Wait, where are the exciting names?  A hitter on the Padres?  This is the worst Buy/Sell ever! Thanks, random italicized voice.   Yeah, Hairston’s boring as dog balls and yawnstipating at best, but he’s hot right now and hitting in the middle of the Padres order.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but if you need a Hot Hitter Injection in your outfield, he’s worth a looksee.

Mat Gamel – Interleague is here and Gamel will see DH ABs.  Just hold him until the end of interleague because if he torches right handers this weekend, you’ll wish you gave him a few more days.  Oh, and if he hits righties like he’s capable of, he might platoon with H.A. double hockey sticks when they go back to those old school NL vs. NL match-ups.  Or Hall might move to 2nd.  All we need is just a little patience.

J.A. Happ – Will Happ be crapp?  PPotentially.  But he’s worth a pickup (don’t start him) in 12 team or deeper leagues.

Homer Bailey – Never trust a pitcher named Homer?  Well, not at first I wouldn’t.

Kris Medlen – Hmm… Let’s see if Grey can take out his magic stick on these schmohawks.  Happ, Medlen then Bailey, in that order.  But, guys, they’re all rookie pitchers.  You’re taking on a lot of risk.  As I’ve said before, a rookie hitter goes 0-for-16 and he does little damage to your team.  A rookie pitcher gives up 6 earned in 4 innings and it hurts.

Gil Meche - Like Meche much?  Yup.  Though not quite as much as this guy likes Brian Shouse.

Rafael Betancourt – Do I trust Betancourt at all?  No, but picking up cheap saves isn’t a trust exercise.

Jesus Guzman – He has Bugs Bunny numbers down in Triple-A, but he can’t field to the point where Gamel would be used as his defensive replacement.  Might just be up for the interleague series or he might relieve the Giants fans of having to watch Ishikawa bat.  In deep leagues and NL-Only ones, he’s worth a flier.  Oh, and in ESPN leagues, he’s eligible at shortstop.  Zoinks!

Jonny Gomes – Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues.  But Gomes is so AAAA.  So, in that way, he’s twice the player that Josh Hamilton is.

SELL

Jair Jurrjens – Jar-Jar’s a lot closer to a 3.75 ERA pitcher, instead of a 1.96 ERA.  His Ks are low and his luck is high.  But for those of you with Restless Trade Finger, don’t trade him for a bag of buttered popcorn and a postcard stamp.  He shouldn’t collapse.

Corey Hart – ’80s pop icon has been struggling, though hitting fine against righties.  (Fine’s obviously subjective here, but no worse than how he’s hitting against lefties.  But if the Brewers really wanted to mess with his mind, they could start Gerut against some righties.  You shouldn’t be dropping Hart, or selling him low, but it’s a situation to track.

Jose Lopez – Who are you, Lopez?  You’re not even a Sparky Anklebiter.  You suck.  Goodbye.

Adrian Beltre – A drain on my patience.  I’m done with you too.  Now don’t make me ever watch the Mariners again.  Frankly, I don’t ever even want to go to Seattle now.  You ruined it for me.  Are you happy?

Howie Kendrick – Batting 9th, but let’s assume that’s the 2nd number one hitter in the order.  Okay, so he’s batting in front of Figgins and Erick Aybar… He’s going to get bunted to third every time he gets on base?  Goodbye, hate you too.

Trevor Hoffman – Currently has a 0.00 ERA. That actually might have people believing he’s about to save 40 games.  Well, maybe he does, but if you can trade Hoffman for an every day hitter or a “go pitcher,” remember SAGNOF.

Roy Oswalt – Name value is all that’s carrying him at this point.  His Ks are down.  He’s not even being particularly unlucky.  His men left on base are about where they should be.  He’s looking like a 4.50 ERA pitcher right now.  Hold the sides of your head because I’m about to blow your mind.  Wandy’s better than Roy.

Conor Jackson – Gag me with a spoon!  Jackson contracted Valley Fever that turned into pneumonia which has given his owners the boogie woogie blues.  This pneumonia – which may drag on all year like Casey Kotchman’s mono – makes him droppable in all but NL-only formats.

Andruw Jones – Your laissez faire attitude was fine when you were in your twenties, but now you’re just fat and lazy and hope everything comes easy to you.  Me to Andruw, not my Mom to me.  I’m not fat.