Uh no, the Yankees fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon! Starlin Castro was traded to the Yankees for middle reliever, Adam Warren. Didn’t the Yanks get the memo? Middle relievers are the new cheap starters. There was an interesting development the past week. Jordan Zimmermann got ridunk money and everyone was like, “Damn, Cousin Fat Pockets needs to let out the elastic on his velcro wallet.” Then David Price got boku bucks and a Nigerian from Nigeria by the name of Boku said, “My last name is not bucks, I’m confused by this idiom.” Then Zack Greinke went for a walk in the park and came across a suitcase of $206.5 million and looked over his shoulder slowly, then looked back at the suitcase, then started putting million dollar bills into his shorts. Finally, Henderson Alvarez was non-tendered and the entire league was interested, and this sounded warning bells. People are interested in Henderson Alvarez?! What the eff! At that point, the smarter GMs realized they just need to make it so their starters that aren’t terrific go six innings, then their bullpens can come in. The Royals realized this two years ago, but now everyone is catching on. As for Starlin Castro on the Yankees, I want to say unequivocally that this is the best landing spot for him in the majors outside of Coors. Castro has totally failed as a top prospect– Oh, wait, he’s only 25 years old. This was a case where the Cubs didn’t make a bad deal; they just had too much of a good thing with middle infielders, and their eyes set on Messin’ Wit’ The Zo’. Starlin Castro feels set up to have his biggest season to date, and I’m going to project him as such. For 2016, I’ll give him 72/16/77/.274/7 with room for more. As for the future at 2nd base in Robert Refsnyder, there’s always playing for the Padres in two years. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2016 fantasy baseball:
Ben Zobrist – Signed with the Cubs. After Castro was traded away, there was a millisecond where Javier Baez’s dynasty owners thought they had a starting infielder for the Cubs. If you play back the tape between Castro being traded away and the Cubs signing Zobrist, you can hear a champagne pop, then immediately you hear a whiney, “Oh, c’mon!” I’m not a huge fan of Zobrist for fantasy, but you know who is a fan of his? Joe Maddon, and why Zobrist will likely bat 2nd in a stacked lineup. For 2016, I’ll give him 89/12/59/.279/9.
Ken Giles – Traded to the Astros for Vince Velasquez, Brett Oberholtzer and Derek Fisher because the major leagues go in cycles and right now the Phils can’t have anything nice and the Astros can’t have enough nice. I get that Velasquez could be great, and a great starter is better than a great closer, but Giles is already great and Velasquez is still a work in progress. I don’t know, I don’t love this trade. Let me take a poll to see what others think. Okay, I didn’t like it, Cougs and my dog, Ted, didn’t care. Poll closed, results say Giles was better. For 2016, I’ll give Giles 5-2/1.97/1.08/81, 41 saves, and a hair off the best closer in baseball.
Wade Miley – Traded to the Mariners for Carson Smith and Roenis Elias. Are the Mariners pulling a Loria? Why would they trade Carson Smith, who was a beast last year in middle relief, for a starter that wasn’t good? Did they not get the memo about great middle relievers being the new starter? This trade is so terrible I almost want to read what some of the Mariner homers at FanGraphs have to say about why it makes sense for Seattle, but I’m not that interested, to be completely honest.
Adam Lind – Acquired by the Mariners. Looks like the Mariners found their Mark Trumbo replacement! Sorry, that’s not supposed to be an exclamation mark, but I can’t find the emoji of a Mariners fan shrugging. I’m kidding, Lind isn’t that bad. He can almost play one position. I tease, Lind’s a slightly better all around hitter than Trumbo that doesn’t rely on fly balls as much. Trumbo is a .260 hitter vs. Lind’s .270; Trumbo is a 30-homer possibility vs. Lind’s 22-homer pedigree. Okay, they’re not that different, and Lind will likely platoon. For 2016, I’ll give Lind 58/16/64/.274 in 480 ABs.
Wilmer Flores – Has a non-displaced ankle fracture, but will be ready for spring training. Flores handled the injury like a pro. A professional actor who was asked to cry on cue.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Signed with the Mets. Great, now Wilmer’s going to never stop crying. Don’t you people have any feelings? Asdrubal is really just Wilmer Flores with less power and older. Why did they sign Asdrubal then? Better to ask, why did the Mets invest $300 million with Madoff? Yeah, terrible signing and now Flores should cry if he’s not traded, because his career is about to be wasted. For 2016, I’ll give Asdrubal 60/14/63/.249/8.
Neil Walker – Traded to the Mets for Jon “The Nose” Niese. Niese’s WWE catchphrase is, “Get in pecking order!” I imagine the Mets were over the moon to make this trade. It’s like, “You mean you’re going to give us something for a guy we don’t need at all?” This is like Alanis Morissette getting a knife for one of her 10,000 spoons. For 2016, I’ll give Walker 72/18/69/.273/3. As for who’s now playing 2nd base in Pittsburgh, I’m hoping for Alen Hanson, the guy with ten-homer power and 30-steal speed. Ah, now you’re hoping for him too.
Jon Niese – The dark cloud moves into Pittsburgh. I don’t mean he’s a negative person, I mean his nose casts a long, dark shadow. Niese was around average in Metco, which means he’ll be a little less than average in PNC. By the by, did you know PNC is short for pancake? For 2016, I’ll give Niese 10-10/3.98/1.37/120 in 185 IP.
Shelby Miller – Traded to the Diamondbacks for “whatever you got and more” as the negotiations apparently went down. The Diamondbacks have been very active in the last few weeks. An active offseason always leads to great things, said the Padres last year around this time. I’ll give it to you very simply on the value change for Miller. Turner Field is a pitchers’ park and it can’t stand Jane Fonda Park; Chase Field is a hitters’ stadium and is not related to Chase Utley’s Bathroom. Not a good move for Shelby, and he was already a guy that was due to crash back to earth due to his xFIP from last year. A starter that will be drafted in the top 40 starters and could be unusable by July? Here’s the guy! For 2016, I’ll give him 13-7/3.79/1.31/166, which is actually being optimistic.
Michael Brantley – Cleveland newspaper reported that Brantley could be out until June. This comes on the heels of him saying he’d be back mid to end of April. This is turning into a shituation that I’ll likely avoid altogether. When a guy has major shoulder surgery, it’s already bad. When his timetable gets pushed to June, it quickly turns into “he’ll return at 70% after the All-Star break” at the blink of a hat. For you trivia buffs, “blink of a hat” is a phrase that originates from the Fat Albert character, Dumb Donald.
Jedd Gyorko – Traded to the Cards for Jon Jay. Here I thought I’d get through one offseason without talking about Gyorko. A Gyorko traded for The Federalist sounds like a trade Ben Franklin tried to make once to get out of paying his brothel bill. Speaking of which:
Jon Jay sent away.
Gyorko? My Wong wants to play.
Need a lightning rod.
–Haiku on wall of brothel written by Ben Franklin.
Matt Carpenter has 3rd base locked down in St. Louis, so that leaves Wong and Gyorko as the most unfortunate named platoon since Rusty Kuntz and Bradley Gingerclam. I’m not giving Wong or Gyorko projections yet because I wouldn’t be surprised if one is still moved.
Jon Jay – He posted a .563 OPS, is three years older than Gyorko and is owed more money than Gyorko. Is anyone surprised the Padres traded him for Jay? “I’m gonna see what happens when I put logic into a food processor,” says the Padres GM.
Brett Lawrie – Traded to the White Sox for J.B. Wendelken and Zack Erwin. Erwin and Wendelken? I guess the A’s felt they needed more Jews. “Who the hell is going to do our taxes? Oh, I know!” To go from one of the worst ballparks to one of the best, Lawrie must’ve been jumping for joy. Lawrie has all the smellings of a sleeper. I know this because I’ve actually written that post already, I just need to get on the other side of these Winter Meetings to start posting sleepers.
Yusmeiro Petit – Signed a deal with the Nationals. “The immovable object meets the unstoppable force,” that’s what it will be like when Dusty Baker’s right brain collides with his left trying to figure out his rotation with perennially shafted Petit vs. perennially shafted Tanner Roark.
Tyler Flowers – Signed with the Braves to platoon with A.J. The Pollock. Not to be confused with A.J. Pollock.
Jason Motte – Signed with the Rockies (along with Chad Qualls). Rockies have once again managed to put together a bullpen that appears to be trying, while causing for maximum anguish by fantasy baseballers who try to own one for saves.
John Axford – Signed by the A’s. Yum, re-tried Beanes!
Aroldis Chapman – Was briefly traded to the Dodgers on Monday, but it was called off when it was revealed that Aroldis beat his girlfriend in October and fired his gun. The Dodgers had suspicions when Chapman was being driven to the trade press conference by A.C. Cowlings. It was also around November when Puig was caught beating his sister. Hopefully, Puig’s sister wasn’t Aroldis’s girlfriend.
