Baseball, like a flower, blooms in the spring. They also share equally effusive PR people. Just the other day I read about how a petunia’s branches gained 15 pounds and was in the best shape of its life. Sure, it’s always good to look at spring training numbers to give you an idea what you can expect from guys during the season — can I draft Adalberto Mondesi yet?! Players in spring training are facing the top pitchers who are all displaying their best stuff. No one needs time to get warmed up. No one’s trying new pitches or getting a feel for the ball. They are at the height of their game in the beginning of March. Our former commissioner, Bud, once doffed his toupee and tried to have the World Series played in March. Since these spring training numbers mean so much, I decided to look at some players stats so far:
Robinson Cano – Leads the majors with 26 hits. Listen, I didn’t want to have to grab Cano in every league in the top 25 overall, but now I just have to there’s…no…stopping…me…not…even…a…bunch…of…ellipses… Cano shaved four pounds off his frame and his bat swing in the spring is 517.8 MPH. That’s never been heard of before.
Jung Ho Kang – Leads the majors in homers with seven dongers, which are now being called Kangers, but not bangers due to the proximity to his middle name, Ho. Way too woke for such defamatory talk, and equally woke about drafting Kang. What a great bounce back this is going to be! Excitement! Exclamation marks!
Matt Adams – Currently in 2nd place for the league lead in homers with six and tied with Aaron Judge. Can I draft both of them in the 1st two rounds? Please. I will never stop wanting wonderful. It’s my fatal flaw.
Ronald Guzman – Currently has five homers and a .400 average. He’s running away with the number one sleeper who is going to totally play over Dannys Antana. Wow, major ebullience! And thank you to Thesaurus dot com for ebullience!
Leury Garcia – Hitting .431, stealing bases and he’s going to get 550 ABs and Nick Madrigal will never be called up. Shame for that Madrigal guy, but Leury Garcia is a class act and I’m sure he’ll be as good as his spring numbers, because I just drafted him in front of Mike Trout in one league. What, I had the third pick.
Trevor Bauer – Currently only 2nd to Max Scherzer in Ks in the spring with 32, and he has a .096 WHIP. Bauer’s got a new windup, which includes him giving a trash can a stink eye right before releasing the ball. What a great eye-deer!
Noah Syndergaard – Has a 1.88 ERA and absolutely dominating everything, even nearby mirrors with his long-flowing locks. Hashtag blessed if you’ve seen him.
OKAY, STOP! Seriously, please stop stop STOP! This is all nonsense. All of the above stats are real, but they were from last spring training.
Did Kang’s great spring training last year lead to Jung Ho King Kang? No, of course it didn’t. He sucked once again.
Was Robinson Cano in for a great year after what he did last spring? Of course not.
Trevor Bauer went on to have a weak year compared to expectations and Syndergaard had one of the worst years of his career. Please, for the love that all is holy, stop looking at spring training stats. They mean absolutely nothing.
I like to do this post every year because every year I get the same comments about how well a player is doing in the spring and if I’m going to change my fantasy baseball rankings because of it. Spring training stats are a joke. They mean nothing. Let me say it again for emphasis, spring stats mean nothing. You should only be looking at who’s healthy, who’s winning position battles and who’s winning rotation spots. The rest is meaningless.