Was announced on Saturday that Shohei Ohtani is done for the year. Though, it doesn’t mean he’s done with the Angels. He can re-sign–I am effin’ around! Of course he’s done with the Angels! Be thankful he doesn’t return to Japan after playing with the Angels. He left the Angels and a 212-pound Tim Salmon was lifted off his shoulders. A 20-year Rally Monkey’s Paw curse that festered under his skin for years must now be exfoliated away with Mariners’ skin cream. Thank God, Ohtani was able to walk away from that barge of bad luck in Anaheim. The Angels turn even the most bright-eyed, bushy-tailed among us into Danny Glover on a toilet about to explode. As Ohtani emptied his locker, it became clear the Angels were one of the best teams to stream against these final two weeks, and Sawyer Gipson-Long (5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.70) took advantage. Long made short work of the Angels, but is he actually, pause for drama, good? He has three pitches (four but uses three). A 94-5 MPH fastball, which scouts usually call meat not heat, but his velocity is up some (1.1 MPH). He gets a ton of Ks on his change, which looks fantastic. 89% whiff percentage on his change, which isn’t sustainable, but hints at bigger things. I’m officially: Intrigued, y’all! Of course, for this year, it’s about matchups, so look at Streamonator. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jake Rogers – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, and three homers in two games. Both homers yesterday came off Kenny Rosenberg, who sounds like someone misremebering Fox’s baseball dugout reporter. Also, Mr. Rogers is in the hot schmotato neighborhood.

Joe Musgrove – Won’t return this season. Backdate this to March for the entire Padres team.

Matt Waldron – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Was thinking about how my entire fantasy season was coming down to streaming Matt Waldron. Everything on the line for Matt Waldron. All of the marbles. Then I thought about how the Padres spent $260 million this year and they’re starting Matt Waldron, which should be much worse, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It’s still about my fantasy season!

Juan Soto – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper going pop!

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer this past week. Rooker eating in April and September.

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.58. You’re killing me, Smalls!

Carlos Correa – 0-for-4, hitting .230. Sat out a few days while saying his plantar fasciitis has bothered him his March. I don’t care that he swindled the Twins out of $200 million, but you know what’s kinda of grimy? Correa never would’ve said his plantar fasciitis bothered him before he signed his deal, and, of course, it’s been bothering him this whole time and why he failed multiple physicals.

Edouard Julien – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in six games. Number one pickup for this week. *blinking lights* Hot schmotato alert!

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84 vs. Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Based entirely on gut, Sonny Gray and Cease will be drafted within a round of each other next year, and think about how awful it was rostering Cease this year vs. Gray.

Carlos Rodon – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.90. Stop trying to rope me in for next year. I don’t want any part.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, as he homered vs. his former team, the Yanks. That’s what you’re missing out on! Four homers in 23 games…Wait, that’s what the Pirates are missing too, since they never play him.

Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. If I had to guess, no one will care about Dunning again next year, but will care about so many starters that were way more useless.

Charlie Morton – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.66. “Morton got through the tough matchup at Colorado!…He got through the tough matchup at Dodgers!…He made it through the at Phillies matchup!…Here we go, baby, finally a good matchup! He gets the Marlins!” An hour into the game, “Why’s my butt hurtsie?”

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 35th homer, hitting .266. A lot of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) say stuff in March like, “(Player’s name) is Yordan 150 picks later.” Ozuna was the one that actually worked.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Seeing Luzardo has essentially the same ERA as Morton and thinking, “Do any pitchers have a better ERA than 3.50?”

Jorge Soler – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Damn, Soler wants to sign with the Yankees so bad! Sucks, I dropped Soler because he is dead-set on hitting 40 homers this year.

Jake Burger – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. Like I’m in an 80s arcade, it’s Burger time!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-2, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games, second game in a row where he racked up huge fantasy value too. Wanna believe he could do it for the final two weeks, but I think there’s at least a 50/50 chance he’s injured and out for the year by next Sunday.

Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.98. I was in Vegas this past weekend, and if I could’ve still bet on the AL ROY, I’m not sure which one I would’ve laid money on.

Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Calling an Old Spaghetti Factory, their operator answers, “Hello, this is the Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory–I mean, pasketti!”

Triston Casas – Done for the year as he hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. He’s headed for more testing, so I’m hoping it’s nothing like whatever the hell it is that Corbin Carroll has.

Nick Pivetta – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.48. Someone’s drafting Pivetta next year based on his xFIP and I am begging you to look at how he has a much better xFIP every year, and it doesn’t matter.

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Now is as good a time as any to tell you that if a good, relatively of course, pitcher doesn’t have good matchups the final stretch, you should lose him. I don’t know what Bassitt’s matchups are, can check Streamonator if you like, I’m merely Cust kayin’.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.62. Continuing thought from the Bassitt blurb, this is another problem. Pitchers are randomly pulled because some teams are in must win games.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Au Shizz!

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Even if he falls short of 20 homers, he would prorate out to 25 homers in 162 games in a rookie year where he supposedly “struggled.” He’s such a huge dude that I’m out when he turns 30, but every year until then, gimme gimme gimme.

Jordan Wicks – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.67. Hey, not good pitchers aren’t supposed to pitch “not good” when I don’t have them, only when I do. Man, get with the memo, Wicks!

Tristan Gray – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was called up by the Rays. I’m sorry, the “Grey/Gray” room is full and the Tristan room is nearing capacity. Go home or back to the minors. Kidding, he has power and nothing else, and the power might be just because he was old (27) in Triple-A. Hmm, maybe I wasn’t kidding.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in three games. If you need the power, and the B. Lowe stands for Bar Lowe.

Zack Littell – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.12. Pulled one out short of qualifying for a win with 55 pitches thrown? Kevin Cash doesn’t care about your H2H league!

Grayson Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Don’t even talk to me about what Grayson Rodriguez did after he was recalled. Don’t mention it to me!

Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Ma nish ta nah, you em-effers!

Felix Bautista – Threw off the mound for the first time since it was revealed he has a partially torn UCL. Players’ Association should have their own doctors, who put an end to shizz like this. Not even saying it’s the teams exclusively. Players need to be protected from themselves.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.77. Just unfortunate timing to get rocked for LoGi, which sounds like a watch brand from Radio Shack. Ya know you’re in trouble when a team that just clinched hits you hard. Or it’s because I’m listening to Lindsey Buckingham’s Trouble.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, as he hit 2nd. Going back to what I was saying for Bassitt. It’s worthwhile to look at teams headed to the playoffs, and how they might hit available-on-waivers hitters higher in the order, while resting regulars. See also: Amed Rosario (3-for-4, 2 runs, 14th steal), a homer short of the cycle.

James Outman – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Gonna be interesting to see where he goes in ADP. My guess is he’ll be basically undrafted in casual leagues because he didn’t have that loud of a season, but will be overdrafted in ‘pert leagues.

Ryan Yarbrough – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.73. About to start calling him Mr. Bulk.

Luis Garcia – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (9), and 2nd homer in as many games. Said earlier Edouard Julien is the *blinking lights* pick up, but Luis Garcia looks like 1B to his 1A.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Imagining a season where Woodruff went 200 IP with a sub-2 ERA, and how that changed my fantasy teams. I’m also dressed like the Monopoly Man in this dream, and I’m flanked by Charlie’s Angels, only they’re not the 70s Angels or the early-2000s Angels, but they’re the 80s Angels, and it’s Brian Downing and Bobby Grich. What a weird dream.

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.33. Maybe we shouldn’t have called him Gerrit Cole Ragans after five starts?

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .300. Next year, not by design, I’m going to get no shares of Captain Woo Cubano, and he’s going to finally hit 50 homers and .300. I just know this to be true.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Could be a schmotato, but you have to watch his playing time, and don’t trust Dumb Bell to play him.

Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.02. You can check Streamonator for him, but he’s like a top 20 starter right now for “starting and being good” vs. “pitcher names that are supposed to be good.”

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and 1st career homer. “I have to play Kris Bryant more.” That’s Bud Black watching Goodman homer.

Tyler Kinley – Could handle saves, but not because he’s good. Wait, not because he’s bad either and Bud Black is the Rockies’ manager. But because Justin Lawrence rolled his ankle. Wow, spend a year in Colorado and you starting rolling ankles.