Happy early Cinco de Mayo, my tequila-fueled Razzaholics, and welcome back to the Razzball Lounge. We men of letters have donned our sombreros and gathered to celebrate whatever the hell Cinco de Mayo is – hey, I went to a school for dysfunctional teachers in Maine and the only Mexicans we ever saw were picking blueberries and turning John Deere’s into lowriders. We are also celebrating the Razzball revolucian! Yes, Razzball Radio launches this week with Señor Nick, who is currently transporting illegal video equipment across the border as we speak. Good stuff! As we gather in the lounge downing shots of Patron we look back at the first month of the season. There have been hot starts from new meat – Jose Abreu, Charlie Blackmon and Chris Colabello. There have been early season slumps – Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder and Adam Jones. And every team is battered and broken with Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Chris Davis and 422 other players on the disabled list. There’s plenty to celebrate and plenty to berate in the lounge today. Bellying up to the bar we find Sky wondering why he drafted a team that is completely on the disabled list. “Hey, at least Nick Punto is healthy!” *throws up on floor* At the jukebox we find Jay Wrong playing “Mexican Radio” for the 23rd time. “I’m on a Mexican radio, whoa! I just picked up Bobby LaFromboise on waivers!” *bottle smashes above head* New to the Razzball Lounge is stat-boy Dano and his big book of facts who we have strung up from the ceiling for some human piñata-style hazing. “Did you fellas know Babe Ruth’s career wOBA was .510?” *WHACK!* Coming out of the ladies room is the one and only Tehol Beddict clad in just his Sears poncho. “Hey, guys I’ve set up a cock fight out back.” Tehol, where are the roosters? “Whaddya mean roosters?” And here at the pool table is your-humble-but-nontheless-guapo Guru. *adjusts turban, closes eye, aims cue, banks eight-ball off three rails, licks salt, downs tequila, sucks lime,* Viva la Jam or Cram!
Jam or Cram: Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C, Miami Marlins.
April Stats: 18 R, 6 HR, 10 RBI, 0 SB, .310 AV.
Availability: 60% Yahoo, 88% ESPN.
FAAB $$$ Value: $1. Can I bid 20 cents?
The Gist: I think the positions I get asked about the most are closer, catcher and the lotus blossom. Only two are suitable for Razzball unless Nick is starting Karma Sutra Radio in his van. When it comes to catcher, I stream away the hot bat using the Hitter-Tron. Thanks, ‘Tron. Bleep, blurp, beep. Salty is the hot catcher of the moment and as a Red Sox fan I’ve seen him rip off some hot streaks – then go 0-for-25 with 22 Ks.
Key Stats: Salty has more homers than Joe Mauer, Wilin Rosario and Salvador Perez … combined.
Jam it or Cram it: Sideshow Saltalamacchia is tearing it up right now. His six homers are second to only Evan Gattis at the position, his OBP is .409 and he has 16 walks on the year – he only had 43 in 150 ABs last year. However, Salty faces four lefties this week and his career average batting right-handed is .210. If you need help at catcher I won’t fight you if you add him. Which reminds me. First rule of Razzball Fight Club: Punch Tehol. Second rule of Razzball Fight Club? Punch Tehol. CRAM.
Jam or Cram: Erick Aybar, SS, Los Angeles Angels.
April Stats: 18 R, 1 HR, 14 RBI, 1 SB, .269 AV.
Availability: 61% Yahoo, 31% ESPN.
FAAB $$$ Value: $1. Can I pay in nickels?
The Gist: Outside of Troy Tulowitzki the shortstop position is one big hole of suck this season. “Hole of suck” is a technical fantasy baseball term they teach up at the fantasy baseball college known as the Mathew Berry School for the Boeotian. Take a look at their mascot. Aybar is outperforming “Not in the Face” Jean Segura, “Duke of the DL”Jose Reyes and “I’m this year’s Josh Rutledge” Brad Miller – all players widely owned and “Hole of Suck” poster boys for the first month.
Key Stats: Aybar has raised his average nearly 100 points in the last week.
Jam it or Cram it: Aybar was a top 6 shortstop for the month of April and is the only one of those players owned less than 90% across leagues. If you’re hurting in the middle infield and want a solid four category performer – yeah, he’s SAGNOF! eligible – Aybar will plug your hole of suck. JAM.
Jam or Cram: Nick Markakis, OF, Baltimore Orioles.
April Stats: 15 R, 2 HR, 10 RBI, 2 SB, .304 AV.
Availability: 54% Yahoo, % ESPN.
FAAB $$$ Value: $1 or a plate of stuffed grape leaves.
The Gist: With Chris Davis among the walking dead on the DL someone had to step up. Boog Powell is not walking through that door. That’s what Rick Pitino said when he suddenly woke up on a Hooters waitress after passing out in the Camden Yards parking lot. Markakis has been doing his best Channing Tatum impression as he’s stepped up his game leading off for the O’s and leading the team in hits.
Key Stats: Markakis hasn’t hit 20 homers since 2008.
Jam it or Cram it: The beard aside there’s not a lot sexy about Markakis. There is nothing he does greater than guys still available like Chris Colabello or Rajai Davis. If you want to go Greek-style on your roster Markakis is your man – along with Mike Moustakas. Is Eric Karros still playing? Asking for a friend. Have some spanakopita and order another round of ouza then CRAM.
Jam or Cram: Collin McHugh, SP, Houston Astros
April Stats: 2 W, 19 K, 0.59 ERA, 0.52 WHIP
Availability: 66% Yahoo, 52% ESPN.
FAAB $$$ Value: $1. My belief in McHugh is worth the price of a McDouble.
The Gist: It will be interesting to see how McHugh does against the Mariners today after striking them out 12 times in his Astros debut. I’m rolling him out there today in DFS leagues and if you’re really fast you can add him right now. *crosses fingers, lights candle, prays to J.R. Richard bobblehead* Liking what I’ve seen thus far – 19 Ks in 20 innings, a mid-90’s fastball and only three walks. Our pitching whisperer JB Gilpin featured him last week in part 3 of his 972 part series of pitcher profiles – complete with GIFs.
Key Stats: McHugh averaged a McTasty 9.06 K/9 in 46 2/3 innings at Triple-A Colorado Springs last season.
Jam it or Cram it: Will this run last? Will Bo Porter actually give Scott Feldman his starting spot back? Did someone inject McHugh with Nolan Ryan stem cells? Grey, can I have your Astros throwback? So many questions. McHugh’s next two starts this week should answer them. JAM.
Jam or Cram: Hector Rondon, RP, Chicago Cubs
Stats Last Week: 0 W, 1 SV, 4 K, 0.00 ERA, 0.33 WHIP
Availability: 77% Yahoo, 88% ESPN.
FAAB $$$ Value: $5. Want a closer? It may take more than he’s worth.
The Gist: The Cubs are on their third closer in a month and have three total saves. The Rondon known as Hector has two of them. Rondon is certainly getting it done on the North side with a 95 MPH fastball, a nasty cutter, 15 Ks in just over 14 innings, an ERA of 0.63 and a WHIP under one. Who does he think he is? Mariano Rivera?
Key Stats: Rondon’s ERA last season was 4.77.
Jam it or Cram it: Rondon is an intriguing SAGNOF! up-and-comer that should be added everywhere he’s available. The kid is fully recovered from Tommy John, there’s no way he ends up a starter again and he just may save 25 games for the Cubbies – that is if the Bad News Bears can actually win 25 games this year. JAM.
**BONUS TRACKS**
Trevor Bauer, SP, CLE: Lighting a Lady of Guadalupe candle here hoping this kid gets the call up even if it’s just for his musical ability. JAM.
Lyle Overbay, 1B, MIL: I pretend Overbay is actually John Olerud and continue to ignore him too. CRAM
Scooter Gennett, 2B/SS, MIL: Didn’t I say JAM last week?
Cameron Maybin, OF, SD: No homers, no steals and if you play in one of Jay(Wrong)’s 503 RCLs, he owns him everywhere. CRAM.
Jhonny Peralta, SS, STL: Why is he still available? Three homers last week give Jhonny a JHAM.
Follow The Guru and his dirty turban on Twitter @TheGuruGS for fantasy roster 411”s, brushes with fame and his signature move – the scotch-fueled selfie.
