Today, it’s the final Buy of the year. Next week, we’ll be doing one last roundup on Monday and recaps the rest of the month until I start on 2015 rookies that could make an impact. In other words, where the hell did the summer go? And does this mean I have to go back to spending time with Cougs? To paraphrase the Broadway musical Rent (or maybe it was Abe Lincoln), eight thousand, two hundred million seconds, five hundred trillion milliseconds and three fortnights ago, our forefathers had a full head of hair and began on a journey to win their fantasy league. Today, I sit in front of you, a changed man, if we were to count my underwear. No longer do I love unconditionally any man (in redraft leagues). Now I simply like hot schmotatoes. And today’s hot schmotato is Ender Inciarte. So, sneaky good, he’s got CIA in the middle of his name. Ender has six steals this month and is hitting .400 in the last week. There’s no time to worry about the future, only the present. I call this Ender’s Game. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jake Smolinski – And now, the end is near. And I face the final hot schmotato. My friend, I’ll say it clear. I’ll state my case for Smolinski, of which I’m certain. I’ve lived a life that’s full, though I could have done without Prince Fielder. And more, much more than this, I did it off waivers.
Freddy Galvis – Every hot schmotato this week a third baseman? Where was this bounty of crap when Zimmerman went down? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Chase Headley – I can’t believe he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues…Actually, I can. Because he sucks, which is appropriate since his name starts with Chase Head.
Derek Jeter – I just went over him this morning. Scroll down. Further. Now, right down that alley, Karen.
Jonathan Villar – I wonder if I could get H.R. Clinton at a book signing to X out ‘GE’, add an R and make it “It Takes A Villar,” and sign it to SAGNOF. On a side note, I Googled “Hillary Clinton lesbian?” and only Jenny McCarthy has questioned this. What has the world come to? By the by, I enjoy how I Googled that like it could be true but I just hadn’t heard yet. I’m a moron.
Rougned Odor – He had 6 homers in August/September with two steals. Nah, it ain’t much, and I still think he might be a year away from really excelling for mixed leagues, but he’s only going to be 21 years old in February of next year. Yes, he’s not even legal to drink yet. Yes, Part II: More Agreement, he’s going to be special by the time he gets to 24 or 25 years old.
Emilio Bonifacio – Emily Boneface finished his novella that was largely based on the feminist movement of the 1870s, and is now stealing bases like crazy. In honor of Dolly Madison, Sylvia Plath and Beyonce, won’t you give Emily Boneface one more chance?
Ryan Rua – Let’s just call this the week the Rangers were good. Maybe they’re playing so free and easy because they’re not constantly worried about the Feds raiding the clubhouse and finding kilos of the devil’s dandruff.
Josh Reddick – He’s hitting near-.600 in the last week. No joshing, Gibson or Johnson.
Chris Coghlan – Hitting near-.500 in the last week with two homers, which is mostly due to a huge game this past weekend, but whatevs. *shrugs* What kind of sample size you got? Why are you dropping your pants? No, stop! Not what I meant!
Zach Putnam – If one save from Putnam makes the difference in your league, then that’s awesome, shizz is tight and that’s how it should be at this time of year. If one save means nothing, you should not own any closers. Drop them for something you could use. This message is brought to you by the Fantasy Master Lothario.
Jared Burton – I swear I almost wrote Levar Burton. Six months of writing about fantasy baseball and I’m daffy, y’all! And my rainbows are all reading.
Drew Hutchison – As with the past couple of weeks, these starters are all about the Stream-o-Nator. Could’ve wrote Ryan Vogelsong here or Ian Kennedy or Rafael Montero or Tommy Thomas or Jose Collmenter or J.A. Happless or anyone. Go to the SON and glare into its infinite light and choose wisely.
Any Player That Can’t Help You – Guys and four girl readers, this is it. Yes, the season felt longer than Ken Burns’s Roosevelts documentary. Yet, it felt like it was over in a blink, which is not like Ken Burns’s Roosevelts documentary. “The Rough Riders were comprised of a circus clown, a vegetable pickler and a dwarf. That’s not true, but I’m just wondering if anyone’s listening to all of this.” That’s actual narration from the documentary. I played it back to transcribe it. You need to win your fantasy league for your country, your family that you abandoned six months ago and freedom. Drop who you don’t need, and grab who can help you. NOW! Caps for emphasis, not because I have a heavy pinkie.