I’m not a woman.
I’m not a man.
I am something that you refer to as Fantasy Master Lothario.
I’ll never beat you (except in fantasy, that is my pledge).
I’ll never lie (except about how much I once liked Josh Rutledge).
And you’re evil but unless Rougned Odor disappoints I’ll forgive you!
Cause baseball will start 4 2!

*takes a long inhale* Can you smell the freshly cut grass?  No, because it’s still freezing in half the country?  Where’s your climate change now, Al Gore?!  I’m so hyped up about Opening Day, I’m slangin’ bean pies like Ice Cube and picking up and dropping catchers for s’s and g’s!  *goes to my Yahoo fantasy team page*

All right, so I guess I’m not making changes to my Yahoo team on this glorious of splendiferous days.  This day that is more beautiful than Giancarlo’s tukis.  This day that is the most frou-frou of all catchpennies!  Okay, I think my thesaurus steered me wrong on that last one.  On a sappy level, this was a weird offseason, and I’m glad to put the real world in my rearview mirror for six glorious months, and worry about nothing but winning as many fantasy baseball leagues as I can, and helping everyone along the way.  Now who was it again that had Greg Bird (0-for-4, but batted third; yes, you should own him) ranked higher than everyone else?!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was named the starting right fielder.  Glad the Yanks made the right move here and went with the youngster.  Doode can flat mollywhop, and I wanna see it!

Matt Holliday – 0-for-4.  I think JB took April Fool’s too far.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 2 runs.   As my underwear reads, “Beware the sample size.”  Just an overall word of wisdom, don’t abandon the team you drafted for one good game from a player on waivers.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 1 run.  With that said (yup, goodbye baby and bathwater), don’t ignore hot starts, because some players are going to come out of nowhere and have a huge 1st half, and it starts with one game.

Masahiro Tanaka – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  No joke, I’m seriously considering benching all starters the first week of the season in my mixed leagues.  In deep leagues, you have to play your guys, you have no choice.  It always seems like random solid starters pitch poorly the first week, because of rust, and I don’t want any part of it in shallower leagues.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, and then this guy puts a poop emoji on my plan to bench all my starters the first week and goes out and makes short work of the Yanks.  By the way, Short Work was also a Pygmy employment agency.

Nick Franklin – Designated for assignment.  *sees he hit .362 in spring training, squints at the confusing move by the Rays, Asian man walks by cursing me out*  What, I was squinting at the Rays’ move!

Corey Dickerson – 1-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Word around the chain restaurant streets of Tampa is Dickerson will hit leadoff vs. righties and Souza (0-for-3) will take that spot vs. lefties.  You can put chocolate fudge on a stewed carrot, but it’s still a stewed carrot and now it has fudge on it.  I mean, before the fudge, there was at least a chance someone would eat it.  I don’t mind Souza or Dickerson in matchups if the Hitter-Tron likes them, but I’m not going out of my way to own them yet.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run.  I have no idea who I own yet across all of my teams, so I was like, “Longo went long….o!”  Then searched my teams, saw I didn’t have him and it was ‘bombs voyage’ to my excitement.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Ooh, could we have our first hot schmotato?  A home run is pretty indicative of who’s hot.  Let’s just say, if Morrison was playing today, I would’ve grabbed him for the batty call.

Blake Treinen – Named the closer over Koda Glover.  It only took Dusty Baker three weeks to remove his toothpick and tell us what he was thinking with his ninth inning.  Like he had so much else to do.  Let’s see, he had no position battles!  No starting rotation battles!  Even his players are all healthy!  But NO!  He can’t decide on a closer until after I’ve drafted all my teams!  Thanks, Dusty!

Roberto Osuna – Hit the DL with a cervical spasm.  I guess that’s why his girlfriend calls him, Papi Smear.  He has a cervical spasm?  Suck it up and do the Lamaze breathing!  Jason Grilli will fill-in at closer until April 9th.  It’s appropriate Papi Smear will be filled in by Grilli, who is always set to MOM.  Ya know, Medium Off Medium.  If you’re a true save vulture, you’ll swoop yourself down on the rotting carcass of Joe Biagni, too.

Chris Coghlan – Signed by the Jays to a minor league deal; he will report to Triple-A Buffalo.  If that doesn’t help Buffalo get over O.J. Simpson, nothing will.

Melvin Upton – Released by the Jays.  Hey, I’m not one to second-guess team moves (actually, I’m totally that person), but you release Melvin, sign Coghlan and decide to start a platoon of Ezequiel Carrera and Steve Pearce?  Jays playing for a draft pick this year?

JaCoby Jones – Ausmus said Hard C and Andrew Romine will share playing time in center field, which is Ausmus trying to alleviate pressure from Hard C, because Romine is bad as in bad.  JaCoby might not be better, but at least he’s young.  I said previously, “JaCoby Jones is an interesting name.  It’s like, “Damn it, it’s a hard C!”  He’s also interesting because he stands to get playing time in center.  Could be platooning with Tyler Collins.  Jones looks poised to hit .215 with everyday ABs, but could steal some bases and hit for a little power (think 12/15-type player).  Obviously more of an AL-Only play.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Byung Ho Park – Sent to the minors even though he was the Twins’ best bat in the spring.  The Twins are like a battered shrimp, they’ve been bullied so much they don’t even bother fighting.  That’s a battered little person for those that are PC, not tempura.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, and his 1st and 2nd home run of the season as he had a perfect game through six innings.  At one point during the game:

Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals.  Be interesting to see if Nunez can replicate his previous year.  Not interesting like would a beaver put a dam around a glass of water, but interesting nevertheless.

Mark Melancon – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 1st blown save.  He should spell his last name with a capped C like JaCoby just to mess with people.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was pitchslapped by Bumgarner.  Greinke actually didn’t look bad yesterday.   His velocity looked better than it had in the spring, only real mistakes came against Bumgarner, and, really, who can pitch to that beast.

Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 1 ER and the vulture win.  Fernando Rodney is on pace for 162 wins!

A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  He didn’t look great in March (hitting .143), but after yesterday’s game he said, “Only a Pollock leaves it all out there in spring training.”  Then, after a beat, he added, “See what I did there?”

Jeff Mathis – 3-for-4, 1 run.  Not super happy to see Mathis draw the first catcher start for the D’Backs, but hopefully they give Iannetta or Herrmann some time behind the dish, because they’re way more attractive for fantasy.

Trevor Rosenthal – Hit the 10-day DL, because of course he did.  His middle name is “Egads, my lat!” which is misspelled on his license.

Jedd Gyorko – 0-for-2 as he started at 2nd over Kolten Wong (0-for-2).  Wong is not happy about platooning, which I’m sure will endear him to management and fans.  No one likes a player who complains about playing time.  It’s an unwritten rule like putting away the milk with only a drop left.  Wong, buy a new carton, or you’re not playing.  Discussion over.

Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-5 and two steals.  Both steals came against Jon Lester, who always lowers the treble, because he gives that extra base.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now’s the time in the program when I point out I wrote a Randal Grichuk sleeper.  When he goes 0-for-120, I will fail to point that out.

Carlos Martinez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Cubs.   I got the sense people were fully committed to the idea of C-Mart being an ace this year.  A number one fantasy starter.  As Kool Moe Dee once said, how ya like me now?  He didn’t, of course, say it about fantasy baseball.

Jon Lester – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator didn’t love this start for Martinez, which is saying a lot about the Cubs’ offense since Martinez was at home.  I would’ve started him anyway.  Seeing the forest, and not the Tanaka trees, you really have to start your top pitchers every time out.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Not bad.  Dot dot dot.  For one at bat from Madison Bumgarner.

Adrian Beltre – Will start the year on the DL.  Hughley?  Oh, duh, Disabled List, should’ve known that.

Joey Gallo – Will fill-in for Beltre for the first week-plus.  He’s got big-time power, but his swing must be as long as his homers, because he strikes out at a rate unseen since Babe Ruth wore raw meat patties on his eyes during the month of June, 1928 when he was partying too hard with Fatty Arbuckle.  Gallo was ranked and projected in my top 5 DHs and top 500.

Drew Smyly – Out for six to eight weeks with a flexor strain.  This flexor strain thing feels like the new oblique, doesn’t it?  Obliques are out, groin pulls 5 minutes ago, flexor strains are in.  That’s the Jessica Shaw Report.  If you get the Jessica Shaw Report joke, you’re old and gay.  Okay, maybe you’re not old.  By the way, if I had to choose between old or gay, well, let’s just say getting old sucks!  I updated the top 100 starters on him, but, ya know, rankings are so five minutes ago.

Adam Frazier – Will leadoff today for the Pirates in a hilarious case of mistaken identity.  Pirates have mistaken Adam Frazier for someone who can hit.  Oh, Clint Hurdle, it’s good to have you back.

Ryan MadsonA’s might go with a closer by committee, which pushes Sean Doolittle, Santiago Casilla and Ryan Dull all onto the map.  That map is of East Germany; a map that is effin’ useless because the country doesn’t exist anymore.

Yandy Diaz – Won the starting 3rd base job in Cleveland, because the Indians’ offense has a case of the pox.  Last year in 80% of a Triple-A season, Diaz hit 7 HRs and 5 SBs with .325 average and solid plate discipline.  So, the Indians now have two Yan Can’t Hit’s.  By the by, Ralph, Halp and I go over Yandy in their fantasy baseball prospect podcast.  That’s right I made a special appearance!  It went so well instead of the show being The Halph Show, we might switch it to The Gralph Show.

Jason Kipnis – Hit the DL even though he says he’s ‘turned a corner.’  *walks to the bathroom, turns in*  Hey, Cougs, look!  I’m Jason Kipnis!

Andrew Susac – Will start the year on the DL with Brewers’ catching duties falling to Jett Bandy and Manny Pina, or as people have started calling it Janny Pandy.

Desmond Jennings – Released by the Reds.  How far has he fallen?  He lost the job to Patrick Kivlehan.  That’ll hurt the pride bone.

Pedro Alvarez – Sent down to Triple-A Norvolk, or as he’s likely calling it now, Norf**k.

Drew Pomeranz – Placed on the DL with a left flexor strain.  JB mentioned this on the podcast (a few times, I believe), but it’s gonna be a recurring theme with the shortened DL stint now.  Players will be DL’d when they’re not badly injured because it will give teams roster flexibility, i.e., no flexibility?  Flexor strain!

Jeanmar Gomez – Named the Phils’ closer.

Steven Matz – Shut down for three weeks.  I don’t even think the Mets believe their injury timetables.  They’re just throwing out numbers now.  “Why not just say a month?”  “If we say a month, it will sound too pat!  Let’s say three weeks!”  “Okay, but three weeks is so specific, won’t it appear obvious we’re lying?”  “It’s obviously a lie, that’s what makes it believable!”

Zack Wheeler – Made the Mets’ rotation. Or as they call it in the Mets’ rotation, “East Sore Tendons-ville.”