I stopped doing the top 5 designated hitters a few years ago because there was only one guy, Papi Grande, that was only eligible at DH that was worth discussing.  Then last year happened, and Ron Blomberg finally had something to talk about again at the bingo hall.  “If you wanna sit by your bingo cards while I come in and hit them with the marker for you, I can do that.”  That’s Blomberg keeping his DH muscles on the ready.  Now, this year, with Big Papi retired and Sano having a position, this post again feels irrelevant, but what the hey!  All of the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are under that rather self-explanatory link.  As with all other posts, I say when tiers start and stop and give you my projections.  If you want, here’s the 2017 position eligibility chart that doesn’t contain any of the guys in this post.  Anyway, here’s the top 5 designated hitters for 2017 fantasy baseball:

1. Kendrys Morales – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until V-Mart.  I call this tier, “Utility sounds functional.  Yeah, no.”  The guys in this tier will clog you up worse than a bowl of Colon Blow and a wine bottle cork.  I don’t draft utility only guys unless I have two Utility spots and I feel like I’m getting a good deal.  Beware the ‘feel like I’m getting a good deal’ aspect because it’s how I ended up with an 84-ounce jar of apple sauce at Costco.  As for Morales, here’s what I said this offseason, “(Kendrys) signed with the Jays.  Look at the Jays getting younger!  Sure, only about six months younger, but imagine we were all six months younger.  We’d all get to enjoy the RNC one more time!  Somewhere, likely arguing with a dead ump, Earl Weaver must be so impressed with the Jays’ three-run-homer offense.  They’re like the teenager, who is riding the train for free, and, to avoid the ticker taker, they go station to station.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2017 Projections: 73/29/89/.268 in 551 ABs

2. Victor Martinez – I’m done predicting a sudden fall-off for V-Mart, because I can only be wrong so many times.  I will say I was also right so many times, because V-Mart has had terrible seasons mixed into his fifteen-year career.  I mean, he had a 12-homer and 14-homer season, then hit 32 homers.  No way he was going to repeat that, and he didn’t with an 11-homer season.  That’s it, he’s done, and then he has a 27-homer season last year.  Yeah, I have no idea what he’s going to do this year.  I will say his range of possibilities is prolly larger than just about anyone.  Luckily, we don’t really need to take this gamble, because his eligibility makes it nearly impossible to own him.  2017 Projections:  62/19/81/.285 in 503 ABs

3. Pedro Alvarez –  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gallo.  I call this tier, “The Kimchi Giants Love Your Dong.”  By the tier name I mean, the guys in this tier will find themselves playing in Korea shortly, or should.  Alvarez specifically would do well to sign with a Korean team.  He’d likely be an MVP candidate and have a hero’s welcome.  A hero’s welcome in Korea, of course, includes being showered in bulgogi.  “I feel so honored but my eyes are really stinging bad.”  That’s someone being showered in bulgogi.  Who’s to say, but I really get the sense Alvarez is not going to get a major league job this year.  If he does sign somewhere, he will be a platoon player who’s worth a stream for power when facing a righty.  2017 Projections:  39/20/47/.252/1 in 354 ABs

4. Joey Gallo – He’s already penciled in as a platoon guy, and you might want to try him over Alvarez due to his immense upside.  Gallo is like an out-of-control Giancarlo.  Giancarlo shakes his head, and excuses himself when he strikes out and tries not to do it again.  Gallo is a burping, farting mess who will strikeout 55% of the time if it means 40 homers.  Gallo is pure id.  Gallo would be the host of MLB’s No Reservations.   2017 Projections:  34/23/43/.208/3 in 371 ABs

5. Dalton Pompey –  This is the last tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the list.  I call this tier, “The Lounge Act.”  Pompey and Mancini is not an Italian restaurant that specializes in fire-roasted manicotti.  Pompey and Mancini are not characters in a commedia dell’arte production that your theater teacher made you study (and you thought it would be an easy A).  Pompey and Mancini is the lounge act that ends the list of DHs.  As for Pompey, props to you if you draft Pompey and Rupp just for the Pompey e-Rupp-tion fantasy team name.  No props to you for how awful your team is going to be.  Right now, Pompey’s ticketed for Triple-A, but he’s about two years past the point where he should be there.  If the Jays weren’t so in love with the three-run homer, or if Pompey was on any other team, he’d already be sucking his way through the majors like Jarrod Dyson.  2017 Projections:  28/2/19/.273/16 in 267 ABs

6. Trey ManciniTrey Mancini sounds like the absolute coolest Italian black man ever.  Trey Mancini is who Dennis Hopper is describing in True Romance.  He’s also the backup Orioles DH and 1st baseman.  Nah, they didn’t need Trumbo at all!  2017 Projections:  22/9/33/.254 in 248 ABs