Dontrelle Willis, the flat-billed pitchypus in question, was traded to the Diamondbacks for a half-used #2 pencil and a race car-shaped eraser. When a team trades a guy and still has to pay the majority of his salary, it’s usually not a good sign. I have maintained in the past that maybe the only thing eating at Dontrelle was the Tigers taking away the best aspect of his game –> his hitting. It’s still not a reason to pick him up. It’s not like the Diamondbacks stadium is a pitchers’ haven. Let someone else take the flat-billed pitchypus under their wing and nurture it back to health. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Teixeira – Day-to-day after he left the game with a bruised foot, which is far less tasty than a braised foot.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Don’t look now but Vazquez has 3 solid starts in his past 4 games – helping to bring his ERA/WHIP down to 6.06/1.49. Yeah, still looks awful but it took a while for him to stop picturing Johnny Damon at the plate with the bases loaded everytime he pitched.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer and his 8th RBI. He’s got a bit of a ways to go before he’s not considered a size D bust.
Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER as he pitched in the 7th inning. I’d like to punch him in his big fat mouth. If you own him, bench him until he gets a save.
Corey Hart – Now has 14 homers, while Fielder hit his 8th yesterday because he couldn’t take anymore of my roundup mocking. That’s what I think, at least. In all seriousness, Fielder could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me. Don’t sweat the fat stuff.
Chris Coghlan – 3-for-5 and a home run. Hitting around .340 over the last week but still hitting .237 on the year. Has a long way to go before he’s hitting .290 and he should get there eventually, which means those in need of average can look to him. Unless…
Mike Stanton – Hit a couple more homers yesterday. Ross is hitting .295 with moderate power, Maybin and the aforementioned Coghlan have been better after early season slumping. Not sure who gets the ax for Stanton, but someone must. Even though I’m not in the union, I’m going to put on my GM hat and say Ross loses playing time.
Russell Branyan – Has three homers in his last four games. Like an orgy-ist, Branyan hits ’em in bunches.
Cole Hamels – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. So frustrating when a pitcher gets hit then a rain delay blocks him from fixing the damage to his ratios. Why are they starting a game when it’s about to rain? Is looking up not in the umpire’s rulebook? Dallas Raines, Storm Field, or Sonny Whither-Chanceofrain would’ve never let this game start.
Kevin Gregg – Gregg must’ve left his Janet Jackson album collection yesterday because he had no control and wanted no part of the rhythm nation. His line of 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 BB was so nasty that actually inspired Cito to insist he call him “Mr. Gaston.” Since I owned Frasor in a few leagues, you’d think this blowup would make me giggly like an Asian girl in a Hello Kitty store. Unfortunately, Frasor gave up one run earlier in the game and I flashed a trigger finger faster than Wild Bill Hickok. To explain again in exclamation marks, !!!!!!!. I’d own Frasor (though I won’t) and Downs, just in case Gregg is removed from the closer role. Right now, I’d own them Gregg, Frasor then Downs. In that order. Downs is last because I don’t think they go to a lefty closer outside of some messy shituations.
Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. First, Shields then Fister now Niemann. It’s been a good week. Finally, some of these unreal ERAs from these schmohawks are coming down (up?) to earth. Find your level, snitches!
John Ely – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now 6 straight solid starts and an ERA of 2.54 with a WHIP of 0.93. Yes, you should own him. No, he’s not this good.
Victor Martinez – 5-for-5 with 4 routine fly balls to left. Or as they call them in Boston, “doubles.”
Carlos Quentin – Now has 2 homers in his last 3 games. Hey, guess all this bastard needed was for me to give up on him. Figures.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Beckham promised a Make-A-Wish kid two soft singles to center. What a guy!
Justin Smoak – 2-for-2 with a homer. If you own him, you were probably sonavabenched because the home run came after not starting the game. Nothing like a guy that doesn’t hit for three weeks, then hits a home run when he wasn’t supposed to play. *Grey bangs his head on his desk*
Scott Rolen – 2 more HRs tonight with 4 of his 13 HRs now coming against the Cards. Rolen’s going all Cobra Kai on his former coach. (BTW, We at Razzball are completely against this rethink of Karate Kid. Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan? Really? Does anyone watch the first Karate Kid and, say, “I liked the gist of it but I think it would’ve been better if the Daniel-san character was prepubescent and African-American?” How will you find someone so watchably menacing as Billy Zabka’s portrayal of Johnny Lawrence? And will Mr. Miyagi’s backstory be moved from living in Okinawa to living in Hong Kong? They already did this crap with the Can’t Buy Me Love remake and now Nick Cannon’s stooging on a talent show. What’s next? A Bachelor Party remake and not showing muff?)
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 8 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks. Speaking of 80’s villains, Johnny Cueto swept my legs then urinated on my head.
Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 11th homer. Hey, someone gave him the hug he needed, nice!
Maicer Izturis – Now has back-to-back games with a homer. I missed the homers, but I’m guessing he was hitting from the 2nd base bag.
Dan Haren – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Diamondbacks are considering trading Dan Haren. Maybe they can throw in a closer and buy low on Teixeira. Though in real baseball that makes no sense.
Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer. I know he’s been terrible, but he always gets hot as the summer heats up and he’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.
Chone Figgins – 2-for-4 with a steal. Yes, he’s finally hot too.
Brett Myers – A 7 inning, 10 K performance against the pesky Nats went for naught after Lindstrom blew the save but then went for aught after Capps blew the save and the game. Myers’ 3.04 ERA looks awfully low for someone with a 1.39 WHIP but it’s still good enough to gamble on for the occasional stream in shallow leagues, start most of the time in deeper leagues, and start every time in leagues that credit points for domestic abuse.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer. He also has 5 steals. It’s the Hunter pace. Home run here, steal there. 25/12 by the end of the year. Ho-hum, which is a command Ice Cube uses.
