ESPN’s 2016 Fantasy Baseball Rankings, Don’t Kill My Vibe

Our 2016 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children.  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’m taking a second job as a bus driver, so I’m here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  A “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2016 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Kendrick Lamar’s Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe.

I am a sinner, you know Delmon Young is probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive him, Lord forgive him
Jews, Cubans and most white people he don’t understand
Sometimes I don’t want to draft a pitcher in the first five rounds, let alone
Pitcher, don’t kill my vibe, pitcher, don’t kill my vibe

Last year, the ESPN rankings seemed to take a turn for the better.  This year, they took another turn, which left them back at awful.  Jose Altuve as the 6th overall player?!  I’m having a heart attack like Redd Foxx, you big dummies!  Then Dee Gordon 14th overall?!  Okay, so ESPN, basically, is just drafting steals.  Did they let A.J. Mass do all of their rankings?  Did they forget a home run is a point in favor of a Run, RBI, Average and HR while a steal is a steal?  Could someone, anyone, please explain to me how Anthony Rizzo is ranked after Altuve, Gordon, Bautista, Miggy, Abreu, and McCutchen?  Rizzo is 26 years old and he just had a year of 31 HRs and 17 SBs with a .278 average.  Miggy hasn’t stolen 17 bases in his last five years combined!   Miggy hit 18 homers last year and he’s six years older!  Rizzo gives the power of Bautista, Miggy, Abreu and McCutchen.  Will get more steals.  Will not kill you in average.  Will get Runs and RBIs.  Will someone please explain to me ESPN’s ranking?!  Please!  They have Rizzo ranked lower this year than I ranked him last year.  Okay, they phone these rankings in, only explanation.

ESPN fell on their face and awoke with the sharts
Another mistake — McCutchen at 7 overall! — someone must’ve said McCutchen and Cockcroft dropped seven farts
Wear their rankings on your sleeves if you’re in a sleeveless shirt
I can admit that my Correa ranking does look like yours
Why do I resent every ranking like this
Tell me your purpose of ranking Cano in the top 40 again
But even a small lighter can burn a bridge
They really just take last year’s end of the season ranks and regurgitate them, at least a smidge.

They have Cano over George Springer.  Wait, it gets better.  Their projections for Cano:  85/21/78/.294/5.  Their projections for Springer:  87/27/78/.262/25.  I shizz you not.  Springer’s down for 27 HRs and 25 SBs and he’s after Cano?  WHAT?!?  I get it, projections are one element to the story.  There’s upside, downside, injury concerns, etc.  There’s also one more element to the story…THAT YOU GAVE A GUY PROJECTIONS OF TWENTY-SEVEN HOMERS AND TWENTY-FIVE STEALS IN THE PRIME OF HIS CAREER AND YOU RANKED HIM AFTER CANO?!  Sorry, for the caps, but my Shift key got sticky after the thought of owning Springer on every team while watching people draft Cano.  Drafting Cano in the top 40 is one of those things where I guarantee you, no actual ESPN ‘pert would draft him there.  They would say something like, “No, I wouldn’t draft him there, but our readers know him.”  The ESPN ‘perts either have contempt for anyone that uses their rankings or they just don’t care, which could be construed as contempt.  I’m not even being hyperbolic when I say this.  They do not care about their readers.  They are like an ice cream store that only serves chocolate and vanilla.  Will everyone be happy?  No, of course not.  Will enough people be happy while they exert as little effort as possible?  Yes.

I can feel Yordano’s energy from two planets away
I got my drink, I got my music
I would share it but today I’m yelling YOU HAVE JOSE FERNANDEZ AS THE 19TH BEST PITCHER?!
For a pitcher that does not kill my vibe,
For a pitcher that does not kill my vibe.

Okay, this is just funny.  Jose Fernandez is ranked after Keuchel, Kenley Jansen, Kimbrel, Wade Davis, Kinsler, Tulo, Beltre and David Ortiz (!!!).  Actually, it’s not funny.  It’s appalling.  What if someone actually used these rankings?  Oh, and this is comical in a not-comical-they-should-be-ashasmed kind of way.  Aroldis is after all of those other closers I just mentioned.  That makes sense.  Ow, I just got an eye roll headache.

Pitchers don’t kill my vibe, you ain’t read a post like this in a long time
Don’t you see that long line
And you see our similarities end at Kershaw as the first SP and Stras in the top fifteen, yah
Fantasy number threes I can see you, you can’t believe I can rhyme with Samardzija
Hide your ESPN rankings, hide your ESPN rankings, you know you can do better.

Most of my sleepers that I wrote about almost two months ago held true as I figured they would.  As I said back then, I have a pretty good idea who the big box sites will like.  I’m way up on McCullers (sleeper), Taijuan (sleeper), Avisail (sleeper), Schoop (sleeper, by the way, ESPN ranked Schoop after Chase Utley; I can’t even make that up), Pederson (sleeper) and Odor (sleeper).  Go against people who use ESPN rankings and it’s gonna be armed robbery and that most certainly won’t kill your vibe, King Kunta.  Oops, wrong Kendrick song.

Now on the less-Kendrick tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!):

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU