Greetings! Back at it again with the fresh Disgrace/Delight posts. Naaaaaaasty! We are here, my goodmen, to discuss the downfalls and risings of some of the most skilled athletes on this planet. I shall do my utmost to lock the derogatory comments in my cranium and not bestow them on the good readers of Razzball, for I am not here to offend, but to teach. I am not here to decry these talented young men, only to track their progress as professional athletes and root them on towards future glory and the type of massive wealth that peasants such as ourselves could truly never comprehend. Buuuuuuuuut, you’ve got to be realistic about these things. For I, favorite son of the Elder Gods, just can’t pass up an opportunity to roast a slap-dick hitting, noodle-armed throwing, ass shaving pansy, that would be better served mowing the lawn at Beddict manor, than being rostered in our fantasy lineups.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!

 

Players who delighted Beddict with their play as of late…

Wilson Ramos – Ramos has me fully believing that if I received Lasik at a young age, I’d be a professional gamer disposing of little teenage Asian boys like they were emails sent from Nicolas Cage’s agent to Hollywood movie studios. I mean, seriously, Ramos hand-eye coordination is more impressive than Lisa Ann jerking off two dudes at once while getting Chinese finger-trapped. I am enthralled!

Evan Longoria – Hello Evan, nice of you to return to us from your stint in peasantry prison. If you’re wondering who’s been egging your Mom’s Mazda Miata the last three years, look no further, for it was I, Beddict, former president of your fan club and possibly father to one of your children. With five bombs and a .375 average over his past seven games, Longo finally looks to have rediscovered the stroke that had me believing he was an every-year MVP candidate.

Evan Gattis – El Oso Blanco lives! Yes, I celebrate these glorious times by worshiping the great white bear, smoking peyote with the Elder Gods around a blazing fire while we tell tales of our glorious pasts and roast S’mores. Speaking of S’mores, I could never resist setting mine on fire and eating them hella crispy style… what about you guys/gals? Oh, you don’t think this is the place to discuss S’more making? How about you lay on your back while I dunk these white chocolate milk duds in your pie hole? This blood thirsty Kodiak has four dongers in his past 10 games and seems to have found his power stroke for the foreseeable future. Who cares about the .232 average? He’s getting catcher eligibility, and remember that the catcher spot is softer than Roseanne’s son.

Jose Fernandez – In Cuba, Jose Fernandez is known as the ‘Godfather of the Ghetto’ and he been bestowing more beans and rice to the locals than the local government. He’s been extremely kind by throwing in some nasty, stinky cheese for the good people to munch on while they sweat in their clay huts. Hopefully they won’t be put in front of a firing squad for accepting such extravagant gifts. Say one thing for Cuba, socialism produces some incredible baseball players. Now, if only Bernie had won so we could do the same in America. Imagine the possibilities! Free college for everyone and the greatest youth baseball program the world has ever witnessed! Let’s take a peak at Jo-Fer’s past three starts shall we: 21 innings, ONE earned run, ONE walk, 13 hits, and wang numbing 32 Ks. Fernandez is arguably the most talented pitcher in baseball and he’s seemingly over whatever setbacks he had from Tommy John surgery. Double kudos points to you if you drafted him.

Mark Trumbo – The one poor move the Mariners made this offseason was trading away this dong savant for a backup catcher and replacing him with Lo-Mo light, AKA Adam Lind. I haven’t been this diseased since I picked up Chlamydia at a brothel/opium den in Bangladesh. I’m not talking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I think of the secret of the ooze if you catch my drift. Anyhoooo, Trumbo has mashed five more yack jobs and hit a blistering .370 over his past seven games, bringing his totals to 20 and .298 on the season. This can’t last much longer….CAN IT?!!?!? Tell me it won’t, I beg of you!

 

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Adam Duvall – This reminds me of the time I was taken from behind on the pitchers mound by the entire varsity baseball squad my freshman year of high school; Shocking and out of nowhere. The sad thing is, I can’t find anyone who’s even willing to accept any of my trades, meaning that I’m just going to have to hope this galoot continues to rake with the kind of regularity only matched by shitty Blake Lively flicks. I’m all in.

Ichiro Suzuki – Ichi-san is at again, batting a scorching .381 over the past week and I thought he deserved a shout-out. Bow to your sensei!

 

Players who disgraced and let down Beddict with their play as of late…

Kevin Jepsen – Gods be merciful! I haven’t seen a man bent over like this since I walked in on Ralph Lipshitz backstage at an Elton John concert. Beautiful, if you’re into looking at bloody raw hamburger meat being pounded. Excruciating, if otherwise. The last time this fraudulent piece of gator excrement threw a clean inning, Wesley Snipes was a leading man in Hollywood and Eddie Murphy was still funny. With a 6.17 ERA and a disgraceful 1.76 WHIP, Jepsen has mercifully been given the hook as the Twins closer. The logical next step is deportation.

Luke Gregerson – Gregerson owners have been treated like a red-headed step child on it’s birthday, receiving nothing but a pack of double mint gum and 1991 Geo Metro for their sweet 16. G-money’s sparkling 4.28 ERA makes him look superior to how he’s actually pitched, which is truly saying something. I now see why trading four prospects for Giles had to happen… if only he too wasn’t more wretched than Tila Tequila’s cooter. What a time to be alive, eh Astros fans!

Jose Abreu – No, I don’t care that Abreu has hit .450 over the past week. WHERE ARE THE DONGS!?!?!?! This guy’s gone softer than a young Beddict, five seconds into losing his virginity, before saying he thought he heard his parents coming (works every time). I need a breakdown from the Elder blessed Rudy Gamble, explaining what has happened to this once proud man. Seriously bruh, SEVEN homers on the season? He’s making Logan Morrison look like a roided out Mark McGwire. I can’t take much more.

Giancarlo Stanton – A .143 average and ZERO nukes over the past week simply isn’t getting it done for me. Dude has gone from Chris Farley to Keenan Thompson, and that’s just something I cannot and will not stand for. I haven’t witnessed this sort of peasantry since M. Night Shyamlan made ‘Lade in the Water.’ I haven’t witnessed this type of ineptitude since Hulk Hogan somehow managed to have disgusting sex and drop n-bombs in the same damn video. What’s going on, Giancarlo? We deserve the truth!

 

 

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I shall be returning next week with a special Game of Thrones edition as the Twitter requests are beginning to clog my timeline, so please prepare thy selves for that is which to come. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to in the comment section below. Until we meet again, my goodmen.

 
  1. Wild Thing says:
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    Nice article. I’m loving Jose Fernandez this year. Worth the wait!!

    Question for you. Would you trade Chris Archer $11 who can only be kept this year for Blake Snell who is $2 this year and next year and then signable to a deal at a rate of $5 per year thereafter. So 2 years and he would be $12, 3 years $17 etc. I’m 6-3 this year and in win now mode. I feel like Archer could have made the disgraceful list but maybe he is figuring it out this year? Thanks for your help!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wild Thing: Thank you, my goodman! Fernandez is savage for real.

      I’m hesitant to make that move because I’d lean towards Archer pulling it together a bit but I seem to be in the minority there. And Snell hasn’t been great as of late so I’d hold off there. but that’s just one Elder God’s opinion

  2. Kevin says:
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    Drop the beef for gattis? OPS league that counts K’s.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kevin: Yes please! Naaaaaasty

  3. AMolnar says:
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    I got offered a possible blockbuster trade for the next few years:
    Stanton/Goldschmidt for Xander/Kershaw.

    Roto standard 10 category league. Dynasty/keeper $280 auction draft. Money is used for both contracts and keepers. We have contracts for each player and their contract increases $5 each year depending how you structure the contract – Xander below is a flat/level contract.
    2017 2018 2019 2020
    Stanton $43.5 $48.5
    Goldschmidt $45.5 $50.5

    Kershaw $43.5
    Xander $20 $20 $20 $20

    Please help.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @AMolnar: I’m still more into Goldy Stanton side those are monsters. How is ur pitching staff currently?

      • AMolnar says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        I am in first by quite a bit. 87.5 points of the total 100 and second place has 62. I am 4th (7 points) in K’s, 7th in W’s (4 points), first in saves, first in ERA, and first in WHIP. I have 810 K’s and first has 861. I have 51 wins and first has 62. I have the second least amount of innings pitched at 747.2 and the most has 963.2. So, given my squad they are doing well even though I have a few less SP’s than everyone else.

        Current staff is:
        Kershaw
        Strasburg
        Arrieta
        Gausman
        Pineda
        Severino
        Eovaldi
        Fiers
        Matt Moore
        DL:
        Tyson Ross
        Zach Wheeler

        The waiver wire is pathetic because we have huge benches. 27 players allowed in total with 2 DL spots and with no innings cap people load up on SP to get as many wins and k’s as possible.

        Best waiver wire SP is Edinson Volquez and RA Dickey (lolz)

        Obviously I have 4 closers too to go alogn with my SP’s.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @AMolnar: that’s pretty solid value on Bogaerts. I’m fine with but do you have a capable first baseman?

          • AMolnar says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:

            Pujols and Belt right now. Been platooning them.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @AMolnar: that’s fine. Ur losing a lot of powers and due to my obsession with Stanton I personally would maybe not but it makes sense

            • Toe Knee Arm Ass says:
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              @AMolnar: Have the other guy toss in a a sweetener before you make that deal.

  4. Scott says:
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    Man, superfluous H came out of the gate like a bucking bronco. Should I keep riding this wild stallion or swap over to Ketel Marte. Let’s say I’m doing ok with dongs and not so good with Runs and SBs.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scott: WHO????

    • What's a Drexl? says:
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      @Scott: i just realized, the H isn’t superfluous (johnny has an H) it’s just out of place, as a dyslexic would word something. “misplaced H” is more accurate.

  5. Zach

    Zach says:
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    #TheReturn

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zach: it has begun

  6. Matt says:
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    Really didn’t want to deal with the dude, but got offered a deal yesterday for Giancarlo which I thought was too good not to turn down..

    12 team, H2H 6×6 league using OBP/Slug% (no batting average) and QS/IP (no wins) along with K/9 instead of total K.

    I get: Giancarlo Stanton
    I lose: Will Harris, Aaron Sanchez

    Problem is that Harris was really my only ‘closer’–do have Kintzler as well if he keeps the job. But I figure in H2H I can keep sac’ing saves and hope to find something later in the year via free agency/trade.

    Also, OF wasn’t a huge need per se (have J. Bautista, Gregory Polanco, Duvall, Eaton, Conforto), but the offer I thought was selling so low on Stanton that I had to take it….not to mention in H2H who knows if Sanchez is still in starting rotation come playoff time…..was I right in accepting this as quickly as I did?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Matt: um yea. U take that trade no matter what BRUH. PERIOD

      • Matt says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Good to know. I thought I must be missing something when I opened up that trade offer. But this I guess is where Stanton’s value has plummeted to (at least with some of his owners).

        • Toe Knee Arm Ass says:
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          @Matt: You are already losing the save point .might as well punt, upgrade your offense take the deal.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Matt: nope, you were on it.

  7. swaggerjackers says:
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    Mr. Tehol,

    My apologies for ever giving you a hard time on here.

    Not too long ago, we started getting posts from Kenyon Messersmith Sr. He made jokes that weren’t funny and didn’t write anything relevant to fantasy baseball.

    It was a dark, dark time in Razzball’s history.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @swaggerjackers: apology accepted. I have no idea who the f*ck that is. Is he gone yet?

    • What's a Drexl? says:
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      @swaggerjackers: it was a dark time that you guys had him kicked out, just like a certain “writer” had Smokey’s Marry/Fuck/Kill in his closer posts knocked out, utter garbage.

  8. chris says:
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    Hey Beddict
    I’ve been offered a trade:
    I give: Dyson and Wright
    I receive: Cozart and Vmart

    This is my team:
    C-Hundley
    1st-Abreu
    2-walker
    ss-Andrus
    3rd Carpenter
    CI-Encarn
    DH-Lind-Duda-Valbuena-Deshields-Pence-Norris
    OF-Polanco-Joc-Conforto-Kemp Saunders-Pence
    Sp-Carrasco-Matz-Liriano-Rodon-Wright-Ray-Mengdhen-Corbin-eickhoff-Gio-Alex Reyes
    RP-Krod-Dyson-Street
    I’m stubborn I still like my team even though I’m in 8th place in a 14 team league. I don’t like the idea of only having 2 closers because of injuries or lost jobs. Does Wright keep this up? I could counter? I have been lacking big time in steals maybe I should ask for some steals?

    Let me know,
    Thanks

Comments are closed.