What a time to be alive! Baseball season is finally within reach! Not in reach, like your delusional mind is telling you about the girl you’ve been obsessed with since junior high and have been in the friend zone ever since waiting for your chance to strike (you’ve got to be realistic about these things), but actually happening! Jay(Wrong), the greatest editor in all of fantasy sports and the Weasley to my Harry Potter, has been up my a** like a 12-inch butt plug about me getting in my content, so here you have it! Ask and you shall receive my goodmen! Today, I tell the tale of the storied third base position. It seems the position has fallen on harder times than Nicolas Cage, as I didn’t respect any of the players outside the top-10 enough to even write about them in the disgrace section. NOT EVEN WORTHY OF DISGRACE? To attempt to put into words how insane that is; that would be beyond my comprehension and would take up my entire day. Or maybe if I had slept a wink last night instead of popping perks with this nice Chinese gal I met at the casino, I’d be able to properly explain. Such is life.

Harry-Potter-Ron-Weasley

 

Third Basemen that will Delight in 2016

Manny Machado – I tend not to toot my own tuba, but I GUARANTEED Macho Man would blast 30-plus yack jobs in 2015… and what do you know? Boom-shockalocka, HE’S ON FIRE!!!! Anyway, I was ridiculed for “reaching” on this stallion last season and now he’s ESPN’s number-seven overall player. What do those apples taste like? Probably very similar to my ball sack after a week long camping trick [Jay’s Note: I’m thinking you meant “trip”, but knowing you, “trick” is just as applicable here…] in Iraq. I fully expect another 30-plus bombs and improvement across the board on all statistics. We’re talking A-Rod before Madonna and the butt injections. Don’t sweat the technique.

Kris Bryant – At 6’5” and 225 pounds, Kris Bryant could model for Lane Bryant… if he was a woman, but that’s a man, baaaaaaby. Somehow I was disappointed in the 29 dongers and 99 RBI that K.B. drilled in his rookie season with Chicago, as I suppose I had unrealistic expectations, which is very similar to my love life. Oh, you won’t do anal every morning and make me an omelet afterwards? You’re not the one, babe. My apologies. Anyway, I fully expect Bryant hit 40 plus bombs and 130 RBI this season, making him worthy of a first round pick in my book. Laugh if you want, but I will drink your tears, blow them in your BIH’s bunghole and go to town.

Yasmany Tomas – Let me start by saying that my obsession with Cubans is on a the same level as Ted Cruz’s obsession with abolishing gays from the United States, so I apologize if I’m typing recklessly here. Tomas was extremely disappointing last season, hitting a pathetic SEVEN home runs in hitter friendly Chase Field. Put your bifocals on and read closely here, because I’m about to blow your Elder God worshiping minds. Tomas will triple last year’s home run totals even if he splits time with young gun, Socrates Brito… or maybe he’s just trash and we can forget I ever wrote this. Cool beans!

Domonic Brown – I’m hearing reports that the Blue Jays are trying Brown at thirdd base in case Donaldson misses any time this season. The athleticism and talent is most certainly there. Only time will tell. Say one thing for Domonic Brown, he might be the most versatile player in MLB history. Also say that he’s a Prince and a gentleman…

Third Basemen that will Disgrace in 2016

Evan Longoria – It’s official; Longo is the most disappointing player I’ve witnessed throughout my lifetime. Bruh has hit a combined 43 dongs in the last two seasons, playing every game but two. In what should be his prime, Longoria has become a mix of Brendan Ryan and Corky Romano. This weenie is beyond flaccid, and frankly, I’ve lost all respect for him. I once believed this fraud would be a perennial MVP candidate, not a perennial E.D. candidate. This has reached disgusting levels and I refuse to be a part of it in 2016.

 

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I’m sure you’re all very much looking forward to Jay and I’s fantasy football/GOT podcasts this year, as I for one, cannot wait to get as loose as a goose on snoose. All hail the Elder Gods! Have a wonderful week.

 
  1. This list is fraudulent without the inclusion of Maikel Franco, aka Human Walking Ball Crusher. And by Human Walking Ball Crusher, I’m not referring to the lovely gal you brought home from the casino. Bryant, Machado, Arenado, yeah yeah yeah, they get their due. BUT, (notice the caps), Franco will be the guy everyone wishes they had drafted when we look back on 2016.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @PeoplezPen: he was on my rough draft. i ran out of time hahahaha.

    • sliimbo says:
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      @PeoplezPen:

      would you give away frazier in a keeper to get franco?

      • Tebow Beddict says:
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        @sliimbo: This is my page bruh

        • @Tebow Beddict: LMFAAOOOO! We’re on the verge of reclaiming our dominance as tag team champions of the world, and you want to nip at my ankles?! Fear not my G-Unit loving hombre, the rent is too damn high on your page, and I’m not even in the market!

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Tehol Beddict: it’s all good brrrrruuuuh. Feel free to answer all questions

              • @Tehol Beddict: Some things need no explanation, which is why you and I need few words. But for the rest, who are wondering what the hell I am talking about, Beddict and I are bros. And not the biological type, but the type that is synonymous with gardening tools.

      • @sliimbo: Yea, I would. Same power potential, better average, and time is on your side.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @PeoplezPen: mos def mos def. I’m a sucker for strong young men

  2. Jose says:
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    Tehol would you give adam wainwright and starlin castro for carlos gonzalez? Do you like the trade?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jose: in a mother flucking heart beat. say one thing for CarGo, say he’s a savage and a scholar and those are extremely rare

  3. Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
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    If Dom Brown ever decided to convert to Judaism and get Bar Mitzvah’d, I’m pretty sure he would give you a candle for yourself during the candle-lighting ceremony at his party…

  4. rapscallion13 says:
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    So are you saying that you are not obsessed with Cubans?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @rapscallion13: I would never say that

  5. 2qbn says:
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    Tehol, mi hombre! As my screen name suggests, I am the cuban 2pac and I would Yas many of your Tomas’.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @2qbn: i see you my brother! VIVA LA YASMANY

  6. M says:
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    Any chance big bro Kyle takes his game to another level now that his younger bro Corey is in the bigs? Thinking outside the box score haha

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @M: I like the way you think, my goodman! he better, for last year’s performance was a disgrace to his family crest. I know he added some stats late, but his fantasy owners and more importantly the Mariners were totally lost at that point in time. thanks for reading

  7. napster says:
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    I disagree with your Longoria assessment. Suffusing your reasoning with cute adjectives and elongated metaphors does nothing more than indicate a lack of objectivity. Which you do freely admit, so congratulations.

    But you are misunderstanding the Longoria situation. Longoria has been on some weak low run scoring hitting teams the last 2 years : 644 and 612 runs. They were 14th and 15th place in Runs Scored for the American league the last 2 years. The last time the Rays scored more than 700 runs (ranked 9th in the AL), was in 2013. That was the last year Longoria hit more than 30 home runs.

    If you look at the history of baseball, there are plenty of great players who go through 2 sub par years, and then have a really good year. Happens all the time every single decade in fact.

    Gary Sheffield (age 28 to 29) in 1997 and 1998, had 21 and 22 homers after a big 1996 with 42 home runs. Was he washed up? Nope. 1999 through 2005 Gary hit at least 25 home runs every single year, and in 1999, he hit 34 with a .301 batting average.

    Jack Clark (age 27 to 29)1984 to 1986 had 11, 22, and 9 home runs. From 1987 to 1991, Jack hit at least 25 homers.

    This year’s Rays have more punch, and not just because of Corey Dickerson. Logan Morrison and Steven Pearce are also good adds for their part time punch.

    He may not hit 30, but Longoria will have a good year. You should be ashamed calling Longoria’s extension flaccid and how can you lose respect for a player over what he does on the baseball field with his baseball bat and glove. Your sarcasm is shallow and pointless unless your wounded ego is so blind that you rely on narcissism to overcompensate for your own weakness.

    That’s supposed to be funny btw but I admit I am having an inner Jonathan Swift moment. I’m sure you get my point.

    • Jr says:
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      @napster: sarcasm is never pointless

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @napster: f*ck Logan Morrison

    • Men-in-Cleats says:
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      @napster:
      Part of the reason they have been a low run scoring team has been because Longoria has sucked ass.

  8. Zeus says:
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    You can root your own tuba? Impressive

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zeus: i really know how to blow

  9. My deadline is approaching for keepers . 10 keepers with the option of 12

    Would you keep matz, rendon, or Eaton with keeper picks 11 or 12? Or pass and grab whatever’s left at picks 101-120 . I finished in 3rd so it is picks 108 and 118 . Most guys are keeping 12.

    My other starter is sale . I have 2b and 3b covered with odor and Franco. Outfield of Bautista, Braun, heyward, and jd Martinez

    Also still have option of trading comp 2 (pick 119) pick and round 1 (pick 129) for bumgarner

    Thoughts and thanks a lot

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Trex arms: id trade one of those picks for bumgarner FOR SURE. and yes in keeper id keep Matz and Eaton I think worth it

  10. napster says:
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    That’s cool Zeus. I’m just saying I would rather have more analytical/historical descriptions than zealous flatulence.

    But It’s not a tuba dawg. It’s a brand new shiny brass horn, tuned in B flat.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @napster: then don’t read my posts, BREH. I’m an entertainer who also happens to be a professional fantasy baseball scholar. Ur a smart man. U have all the stats. He’s let me down basically whole career. Him having a nice year would obviously not be surprising at all. He may even end up in my roster since he going much later now, but I’m still hating. 21 bombs from this guy is an absolute disgrace to the the sport and his talent. My only weakness is kindness and you’re testing my resolve in that matter . Be well

  11. George Bell says:
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    Do you think will Machado be the leadoff hitter this season? Will he reach 20 sb again?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @George Bell: I’d hit him in the 3 hole probably but it looks like he’ll be in the two spot, which is fine. id guess more like 15 steals but I’ve been wrong before. May peace be with you, George

      • bigbear says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: But I would draft him as a leadoff guy. The O’s don’t have any other legit, healthy options. Reimold? Kim? Fowler? And I would expect a drop in steals too. They’ve got too many guys that have a great “contact to damage ratio” (to quote Showalter) behind him in the line up.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @bigbear: I’m obsessed

  12. Tehol the magnificent first post of yours i caught this year. 3baggers are dbaggers.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DNUT EASTWOOD: What a time to be alive!

  13. Chris says:
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    What are your thoughts on lamb at 3rd this year?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chris: I’m not a fan of Laaaaaaaaaaambert. That being said, he’s better than I give him credit for but still not my guy. R u in deep league?

  14. Inflamed circus performer says:
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    This article has less information than a 140 character tweet. I want my money back

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Inflamed circus performer: but if you have any sort of sense of humor or even attempt to call urself a man, u enjoyed it. Otherwise, die

      • Inflamed circus performer says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Awwww. You mad, cupcake?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Inflamed circus performer: its hard to get mad when you penis is 3 and a half inches of cold steel

  15. FrankGrimes says:
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    Domonic Brown is
    dogshit. Give it up already
    Damn fool ur trippn.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @FrankGrimes: beautifully written, my goodman! Hear, hear!!!!

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