The Tigers are doing all of their buying early this year, huh? They’re like your mom that one year she did all her Christmas shopping about two and a half months before everyone else. Then the presents sat in your basement until Christmas and, since presents aren’t supposed to sit in a basement that long without being used, the PlayStation got mildew damage and Dad’s cordless shaver batteries seeped. Then, when Christmas finally rolled around your mom’s talking about how presents aren’t why you celebrate baby Jesus’ birthday and you say if that were true then why was she in such a hurry to buy presents in September? And she says to shut up and enjoy your starting pitcher with a falling K-rate and a raising xFIP. Well, if she were the Tigers’ GM. To quote Gordon Gekko, Jordan Zimmermann is a dog with different fleas. Last year, he had a 7.3 K/9 after a 8.2 in 2014. He had a 3.82 xFIP last year, his highest since his rookie year. He’s always impressed with his lack walks, but even those crept up from 1.3 in 2014 to 1.7 last year. Oh, and now he goes from the NL East to the AL. The Tigers should just go out and get Johnny Cueto and a pair of Zubaz to make it official that they just don’t understand bad trends. For 2016, I’ll give Zimmermann the projections of 14-11/3.89/1.24/155 and someone I won’t go near next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2016 fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Tigers. Maybin is one of those players that you beg to either crap or get off the pot for the entire season. Example: “I’m really liking Anthony Gose in the leadoff spot…wait a second, Maybin is now platooning with him? Ugh, why won’t Maybin either be good or get hurt already?”
Jonathan Villar – Acquired by the Brewers. Villar is a puzzling addition since he does relatively the same shizz as Segura. The Brewers will try him at 3rd base, so the left side of their infield will be like Segura and his Mini Me or that great Fleer card, Pete and Re-Pete. That card screams a simpler time, as long as you don’t imagine Pete explaining point spreads to his son. “If you’re good, I’ll take you to the track.” That’s Pete talking to his son. If Villar does start at 3rd, then he will have sleeper appeal since he can steal 40 bases. Of course, he could also hit .220. For 2016, I’ll give him 32/8/41/.248/21 in 300 at-bats.
Rich Hill – Signed by the A’s. We need a sniglet for a reclamation project pitcher who is hideous for ten years, then has a great season of less than 30 innings and is signed by Billy Beane, making him an immediate sleeper for next year. I’m going with re-tried Beanes. Since 2005, Hill has had exactly one season over 60 IP thrown and that was in 2007. Sorry if those re-tried Beanes are giving me gas.
Jed Lowrie – Traded back to the A’s. I’m sure Beane has just as much knowledge and forethought with his moves of the last few years as he did during the height of his Moneyball years, but his recent moves scream of throwing darts at a board. For 2016, I’ll give Lowrie the projections of 53/13/62/.248/1.
Krispie Young – Signed with the Red Sox to act as a platoon guy vs. lefties. Many Red Sox fans are also considering him the player to be named later, as in “Yo, who dat foo’ they just signed?” Then shrugs all around. Then a few moments later someone names him.
Jesse Chavez – Traded to the Jays. Wanna hear the most boring prediction ever? I bet Chavez will be better than Zimmermann and Happ in 2016. For now, Chavez is in the bullpen, but I bet that changes by April. And that’s the 2nd most boring prediction ever.
J.A. Happ – Signed with the Jays. Here is a commencement address given by Ray Searage as another Pirate pitcher graduates from the School of Searage to go out in the real world, which is really the same world but on a different team. “You are all very special to me. I consider you all my sons, especially Edinson. They say every time I cough and roll my eyes, another pitcher gets his wings and the ability to throw a 12-6 curve. Okay, I might’ve just fell asleep during It’s A Wonderful Life and mashed what they said in the movie with my own subconscious thoughts. Speaking of entertainment, I was thinking that it would make a great Odd Couple-type TV show to have me forced to be the pitching coach under Dusty Baker. Any hoo! As you can see I’m a better pitching coach than a commencement speaker, so, uh, hook ’em longhorns!” For 2016, I’ll give Happ the projections 10-8/4.08/1.35/156 in 190 IP.