It feels like the Tigers have been searching for a closer since Todd Jones retired — Percival, Valverde, Nathan, Soria. They prey on dead meat so much, they’re more like the Vultures than Tigers. Papelbon recently was heard saying, “I am going to close forever. Wait, are those Tigers’ front office people circling above me? Crap!” It’s too bad none of the Syrian refugees don’t have closing experience. So, hopefully, the Tigers’ wait to find a closer is finally over. Unless Bruce Rondon is reading this, then the wait has just begun. Assuming Francisco Rodriguez doesn’t get off the plane in Detroit, see an Alburquerque jersey, think he’s in New Mexico, then beat the crap out of an American Airlines pilot for flying him to the wrong city, and get arrested by federal authorities for beating up an employee of a company with the word “American” in the name and get sent to Gitmo. Sure, this sounds unlikely, not impossible though. With K-rod sent to the Tigers, I’ll give him the projections of 4-2/2.69/1.02/66, 42 saves in 61 IP. As for the Brewers, their closer now is Jeremy Jeffress, Will Smith or Corey Knebel, i.e., the offseason is still young and they could trade for someone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2016 fantasy baseball:
Andrelton Simmons – Traded to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Which Is 40 Minutes From Los Angeles. Interesting that the extraterrestrial Andrelton was moved to be close to Disney right after they secured the rights to Star Wars. Will Andrelton be moonlighting as a greeter at Disney dressed as Jar Jar Binks? Here’s my reaction video of watching the new Star Wars trailer, “Wow, Princess Leia looks terrible.” Why was this trade really made? I’m scratching my head, looking perplexed. I have no idea why the Angels wanted Simmons. Last year, he hit four homers, five steals and .256 in a full season of at-bats. I guess the Angels were feeling Yunelvious. For 2016, I’ll give Simmons the projections of 66/8/71/.252/6.
Erick Aybar – Dealt to Braves for Andrelton. I like this move for Aybar. Sure, the Braves’ offense is the most awfulest thing in the world like a depressed Keith Murray would sing, but Allahu Aybar should be near the top of the lineup and have the green light to do whatever he wants on the base paths. For 2016, I’ll give him the projections of 77/5/45/.276/17.
Sean Newcomb – Also sent to Braves for Andrelton. You might be wondering why the Angels GM is trading away a top pitching prospect for a shortstop who hit .256 with 4 homers in 147 games last year when they already sent Aybar. The Angels organization is handled like this: put The Sciosciapath’s willpower in one hand and make a fist. Now, put Arte Moreno’s money in another hand and make a fist. Now go to the center of the boxing ring, and pound fists. Newcomb lacks lice, but has a few bugaboos in his game with walks and will go back to the minors until at least June.
Leonys Martin – Traded to the Mariners. Yay, Leonys is traded, so he can get a starting job! Lowercase yay, it’s to the Mariners and he’ll likely be platooned. Can one team have more great nine-hole hitters than the Mariners? I’m not sure it’s possible.
Joaquin Benoit – “Who knew when the Mariners traded for Benoit last November it would produce one of the top bullpens in baseball and help them to the World Series?” That is something that no one will say next year. As of right now, Benoit looks like the closer, so he’ll be someone that I might be excited about drafting for some cheap SAGNOF, but Benoit also feels like someone that may never be anointed the closer by the Mariners, whether he closes games or not. Lloyd Christmas McClendon is gone, but his shadow of stupidity looms large.
Craig Kimbrel – Traded to Red Sox for Carlos Asuaje, Javier Guerra, Logan Allen and Manuel Margot, four guys that sound like background extras in the movie, Casablanca. “Manuel Margot, I need you behind Bogart, and stop looking into the camera!” Member last year when the Padres were pretending to be a contender so they went out and got a top-notch closer? Feels like longer ago than it is. Shame the Padres gave up on being a winner, it was fun to watch them fail when they had expectations. Now it’s just depressing. Kimbrel will once again be a top closer, but, ya know, SAGNOF. For 2016, I’ll give him the projections of 3-3/2.03/0.98/89 with 43 saves in 60 IP.
David Ortiz – Will retire after the 2016 season. That means in the winter of 2021 we’ll be hearing arguments on whether or not Ortiz is a Hall of Famer. In 2021 when those points are being argued, voters will beam their votes telepathically to MLB headquarters after the general public realizes the movie, Zapped, was actually a premonition of the future. Of course, that’ll mean Keith Law will telepathically beam us all his thoughts about why other voters are tele-pathetic.