So much to write about this week, so little space to put it in. So let’s meditate, gyrate, and procreate our thoughts on this challenge, and condense down to one single topic. After a large amount of concentrating and Captain Morgan, I have read your mind and figured out what you, as my readership, wants to discuss. That is, none other than, the greatness, or, more accurately, the non-greatness of writer/director Lars Von Trier. Wait, what? We can’t talk about Scarlett Johansson? Really, you guys picked a Danish guy that inserted ‘Von’ into his own name? Well, okay, lets go with this. Why did you pick him? Is it because he said he grew up thinking he was a Jew and was very happy, but then discovered he was a Nazi and immediately praised Hitler? He ‘understood’ him and proclaimed that Nazis do things on a ‘grander scale’. Obviously, based on historic events, this is very true. I mean, have you seen the latest 2013 Benz SL? I’m sure that’s totally what he meant. Oh, what’s that? He used the phrase ‘Final Solution’? Okay, so maybe he wasn’t talking about cars. He does suffer from bouts of depression, and I hear the best time-tested antidote is Nazism, that, and they seem to be snappy dressers too. Totally a PR win-win in an industry where Mel Gibson is well loved and well respected by everyone. As an aside, he was banned from Cannes for that comment. Filming mentally retarded people having sex, that’s cool, but bring Hitler up, and you’ve crossed the line? Yes, makes total sense! But no, that’s not the reason for the spotlight, is it? There’s actually something more… what’s the perfect descriptor here… engrossing maybe? The spotlight has been set forth upon Von Trier by you, the readership, I sense, due to the engrossing fact that he has announced that Sam Witwicky will witwicky for reals in his new film, The Nymphomaniac. And, of course to secure the role, Shia LaBeouf sent in self-made sex tapes with his girlfriend to Von Trier. There is just so much to chew on, and I see why you and Captain Morgan put me on this path. First, Trier had to have fapped to that tape, right? That’s just awkward. Second, what’s the conversation with the girlfriend like?

“Hey yo girl, remember when I was in Transformers with robot balls and robot farts? Baby, I’m totally Avant-Garde now, so lets go upstairs after you make me that sandwich and I’ll film myself sticking my penis in your armpit and give the video to a perv director so I can land a part to have sex with other people. Word?”

In one fell swoop, LaBeouf basically has said, “Your move James Franco.” Lastly, what’s with this need for Shia LaBeouf to go Shia LeBuff on us lately? And why are butterflies making him cry? I will say though, the dramatic open-hand fluttering and the painting of girl boobs was a more convincing argument of his acting gravitas than all of his work with Bumblebee. Oh well, if I was rich as heck, didn’t have to work another day in my life, this is probably how I would spend my time.

Moving on, quickly, because I think we’re supposed to talk about baseball, or something, I can never tell. Regardless, James Loney spent his Creeper week going 7 for 22 with 2 R’s and 3 RBI’s plus a HR to boot. Not bad at all, and also a marked improvement over what Moises Sierra did. So we’re getting better. Shall we continue the trend? Don’t answer that. It was a question to myself. And yes, yes we will.

As one of the more underrated players in baseball, David DeJesus doesn’t translate too well in most fantasy formats. While most of his value comes in a nicely packaged gift that can only be appreciated in OBP leagues, there is something to be said about a player that doesn’t really quite help you, but doesn’t quite hurt either. A consistent 280/350/420 may not win you a title, but if you pick and choose the spots, he can certainly supplement your line-up if you are struggling from injuries or need depth for your late year push. If that doesn’t convince you, just remember, no one ef’s with the DeJesus.

For this week’s scoring period, the Cubbies and David DeJesus will be facing a four-game set against the Nats and a three-game series with the Pirates. And yes, since I got a good amount of laughs last time, mainly from me, I do have a new pirate joke prepared for this occasion. What’s the pirates favorite fast food chain? Arrrrby’s! Coincidentally, it’s also Carlos Zambrano’s favorite place for dinner. And lunch. And, ahem, breakfast. You get the joke, he’s fat. Haha. Moving on, Ross Detwiler starts things off with his 3.66 FIP and 8 wins in 21 starts. I’m not totally convinced he can keep suppressing his HR/9 at 0.61 combined with a middling K/9 of 5.62, but stranger things have happened. However, DeJesus does struggle a bit against southpaws, batting a career 256/326/347 slash. Edwin Jackson is next up on Tuesday, and is enjoying a pretty good year. His 3.85 FIP and 7.92 K/9 are substantially better than his career 4.27 FIP and 6.84 K/9, and, in his last start, went 8.0 innings and struck out 10. But he was lit up pretty bad near the beginning of July, to the tune of 17 ER’s in 20 IP, so speed bumps are a possibility. Gio Gonzalez has enjoyed his stay in the NL so far this year, putting up a santilizing 2.84 FIP and a career low HR/9 of 0.43. However, he still has spurts of control issues here and there, walking at least 2 batters in his last 5 starts. Jordan Zimmermann rounds out the series on Thursday with his career best 3.01 ERA in 164.2 IP. With a 3.61 FIP, there is some room for regression here, and his last game could be the start, as he gave up 8 hits and 2 HR’s in only 3.2 IP. TGIF? Well, yes, but also TGIAJ. Why do I give thanks to A.J. Burnett for his Friday start? In his last four games, he has given up 28 hits and walked 11 batters in 25.1 innings. Mentioned as a top fantasy asset earlier in the season, James McDonald quickly regressed. Having more downs than ups at this point in the season, the Cubs could have a nice day here if the game goes anything like his last start of 2.2 IP and 4 HR’s given up. While not officially slated to start yet, Wandy Rodriguez should be rounding out the week 24 scoring period on Sunday. I said it before, I’ll say it again, I’m super awesome. But also, since coming over from the Astros, Wandy has continued to be Wandy. He’ll strike out 5, walk 3 and give up 3-4 runs… maybe 7-9 hits, all in an underwhelming total of 5-6 innings. Expect that here.

Because I’m all about the self-aggrandizing, starting on Thursday, you can also find me on the football side of things here on Razzball. I’ll be recapping the opening NFL game between the Cowboys and Giants, and then bringing you the same thing for all the future Monday and Thursday Night games. And since my readership consists of only my mother, be sure to make me some Bagel Bites when you drop by.

Dios mio, man.

  1. drew says:

    Which 2 in ppr out of Blackmon, Lafell, Amendola, and DHB?

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:

      @drew, I’d go Blackmon and Lafell. I’m expecting nice things for the Panthers and Jags. I don’t put much coin into the pre-season, but they have shown a lot for those maybe 5 quarters of PT.

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