On August 16th, 2023 Lars Nootbaar suffered a catastrophic event. Much like the woman who accidentally shoots the man plunging to his death outside her apartment window at the beginning of Paul Thomas Anderson’s masterpiece Magnolia, Nootbaar harmed himself and countless others when he fouled a ball off the area of his body consisting of his benis and testibules. He did so on live television, as viewers of the game and social media hounds grimaced in phantom pain at the idea that this happened to an actual person. As Anderson wrote and the immortal Ricky Jay monologued regarding the almost supernatural essence of coincidence: “These things happen.”
After the untimely demise of Lars Nootbaar’s groin, I find myself inspired to look over the blurbs that told this story in bite-size fractions to a fantasy sport audience normed to cursing out their players for being injured. I take no pleasure in doing so, but Injury Maven Keelin linked a blurb that I could not ignore, and thus and so I find myself here, creating a new format for the weekly Blurbstomp. Instead of finding diamonds in the rough, I lasered my focus on the plight of blurbists who were forced to blurb about a part of the human anatomy they can usually ignore. In so doing, I became smitten at the ways in which we dance around subject matter via diction and the squirming reactions and takes traditional to the blurb format.
This week’s column gives the reader a time-stamped blurb reaction to Lars’s Great Sorrow, starting from the Moment of Impact to his placement on the IL. Rotoworld and Rotowire were used as my models, as I assume they are read by more readers than other sites.
Also, I have had the title of this Blurbstomp in my notes app for a week now. Every day I wake up and generate alternates, but I keep coming back to what you’re reading above this article. My esteemed editor has yet to check me on my weekly subtitle, and I’d like to offer this (shortened) list of Blurbstomp alternative subtitles for the last week of August to give you an idea of what runs through the mind of an already cracked individual pushed to the extreme of lunacy by a 14-month-old experiencing a full week of teething pain.
- Anatomy of a Groin Murder
- Nutting Hill
- Anatomy of a Nutcracker
- Foul Tipped
- No Cup to Runneth Over
- Tangled Up in Bruise
- Nutrocker (using the same font as Foot Locker)
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Sensitive Area 51
- Lars’s Nut Barf
- Mad AbdoMen
- Abdomen At Work
- Groin’ Pains
- Rotten Fruit from the Groin Tree
- Here Today, Groin Tomorrow
Alas, Anatomy of a Nutcracker was the first and best title. I wrote the “Sensitive Area 51” one at 3:37am, according to my notes app. I was obviously having a Normal One that night/morning.
On to the Blurbstomp!
August 16th 7:41pm
Lars Nootbaar made an early exit from Wednesday’s series finale against the Athletics.
Nootbaar was replaced by Tommy Edman in center field in the fifth inning after fouling a ball off his groin area in his previous at-bat. There should be an update on his status shortly.
Source: Rotoworld.com
The term “groin area” is so wonderful in and of itself. It makes me think of a scenario in which an alien studies the human anatomy, and then has to describe where genitals live on the human body. Does the groin area start at the belly button and end mid-thigh? Is it constricted to where your legs meet? Perhaps we’ll find out if we continue this exercise.
August 16th 8pm
Lars Nootbaar was removed from Wednesday’s game against the Athletics with a lower abdomen contusion.
It’s certainly one way to describe it after Nootbaar made an early exit from Wednesday’s series finale shortly after fouling a ball off his groin area during a fifth-inning at-bat. Fantasy managers should consider him day-to-day for now.
Source: Rotoworld.com
Merely 30 minutes later, we have our first instance of “lower abdomen contusion.” A contusion is most commonly understood as a bruise, except this is a contusion occasioned on the exterior housing of Lars’s most naughty bits. The fact that it is comically editorialized by the blurbist only adds to the pain. However, we once again circle back to “groin area.” Why are we afraid to say groin? Maybe we all need to say the word CROTCH out loud, all together. It’s a beautiful word, one whose very cacophonous ululation conjures its exact geography on your body. CROTCH.
August 17th 2:47pm
Lars Nootbaar (abdomen) is out of the Cardinals’ lineup on Thursday against the Mets.
Nootbaar left Wednesday’s game after fouling a pitch off of his groin, so the Cardinals will mercifully give him a day off on Thursday. The 25-year-old outfielder expressed optimism to reporters that he’ll be ready to return to the lineup in a few days.
Source: Rotoworld.com
There we go! We have graduated to abdomen and groin. No modifiers necessary. A body is complex enough without us having to invent separate groins.
August 18th 8:54pm
Cardinals placed OF Lars Nootbaar on the 10-day injured list with a lower abdominal contusion.
The Cardinals called up top prospect Masyn Winn to take his spot on the active roster. Nootbaar left Wednesday’s game after fouling a ball off his groin area and required an emergency room visit. He was back in the Cardinals’ dugout on Thursday, which is a good sign, but the team will give him some time to rest.
Source: Rotoworld.com
One day later, both the blurb and the player outlook darken. We are back to “groin area” and again reminded that he had to go to the emergency to be examined. We had come so far. We had entered into the glorious land of Abdomen and Groin, walking through simple, unadorned gates, no longer shackled to an anatomical specificity meant to obfuscate rather than illuminate. We walk away from Rotoworld having experienced the ups and downs of Lars’s tenderest fulcrum.
What of another fantasy blurb generator?
CBS/ROTOWIRE
August 16th 9pm
Nootbaar was removed from Wednesday’s game against Oakland with a lower abdomen contusion, Jeff Jones of the Belleville News-Democrat reports.
Nootbaar fouled off a pitch in the fifth inning that ended up hitting him below the belt and put him in a considerable amount of pain. The Cardinals should provide additional updates on Nootbaar’s status before Thursday’s contest, but the 25-year-old outfielder should be considered day-to-day for now.
Source: Rotowire
All it takes is a beat writer or two to call a shot to the nuts a “lower abdomen contusion” and the blurbists are off and running. Credit goes to CBS for actually citing a specific reporter, though. All credit removed when realizing they used the term “below the belt” to describe the injury. As a piece of figurative language, “below the belt” can mean a lot of things. One of them is indeed used to describe getting nut-rocked, but otherwise it is a noticeably vague phrase that semantically annoys the reader. Many things happen below the belt. Feet. Knees. Shins. The ground. Water. Mini golf balls. Most dog poop. And don’t remind me that on the peaks of the highest mountains on earth lay the frozen remains of many a climber who failed to return to the life they were hoping to transcend. Upon their waists? Belts.
We are all below the belt. Especially Orion’s.
August 17th 4pm
Nootbaar (abdomen) is not in Thursday’s lineup against the Mets.
He exited Wednesday’s game with a lower abdomen contusion, so that could still be ailing him. It’s also possible the team is just playing it safe with Nootbaar, given that a same-handed pitcher (Jose Quintana) is on the mound for New York. Tommy Edman gets the start in center field while Taylor Motter mans shortstop and Jose Fermin works at the keystone.
Source: Rotowire
Absolutely backwards, even worse than Rotoworld. We go from comical allusions to the crotch to nary a mention, only a parenthetical abdomen followed by the oft-mentioned “Lower abdomen contusion.” Are we as culture in denial of our cultural heritage? Sports bloopers reels. Simpson’s episodes. America’s Funniest Home Videos. Heck, Youtube was built on the back of “how many times will you watch a toddler whack their dad’s nards with a wiffle ball bat?”
Baseball is a children’s game writ large, a professional sport Trojan horsing every baseball-loving adult’s keening nostalgia for the youth we lost inside a Slick Macho Man Machine. If we are to worship these men playing a children’s game, should we not speak frankly of the anatomical foibles brought on by the circumstances of said children’s game? I am all for respecting a person’s medical privacy, and I recognize the role that PR plays in announcing injuries and other transactions.
August 17th 4:26pm
Nootbaar (abdomen) was cleared of any structural damage after undergoing medical testing at a St. Louis hospital Wednesday night, John Denton of MLB.com reports.
Nootbaar took a foul tip to a sensitive area in Wednesday’s series finale against the Athletics and is not in the Cardinals’ starting lineup for Thursday’s series opener versus the Mets. He only has some minor soreness, though, and is expected to return at some point during the four-game weekend set at Busch Stadium.
Source: Rotowire
“Nootbaar took a foul tip to a sensitive area….”
If you told 14-year-old me that I would write that preceding sentence having thought about it for a full week during the 40th year of my life, my younger self would tell you to suck a lemon. Then you could urge my younger self to sell high on my pogs collection. Yes, even the full set of Simpson’s pogs.
“Sensitive area” is the way a high school nurse would refer to a person’s genitalia. All areas of our body are sensitive to a 90+ MPH fastball. There isn’t a part of your body that wouldn’t get welted and pelted. It reminds me of the time my friends tricked me into going to a paintball joint on the premise that it would be, “Just like laser tag.” I came back covered in ping pong ball- sized bruises, suppressed anger and sadness, and a growing realization that the term friendship meant many things to many people.
Is the Human Crotch the most sensitive area on the human body in regards to pain possibilities per square millimeter of fascia? I’m sure I could look it up, but I counter that getting hit in the brain or face with a pitch is worse than taking one square on the marble bags.
Also, “structural damage” is certainly the most visceral way to explain that Lars had his satchel scanned and panned. Hindsight is 20/20, meaning we know that Lars did not have “some minor soreness.” If my experience getting my own jumblies “surgically interrupted” can lend some realism to this conversation, I’ll add that lying down with a lot of ice was the best I could feel good. That being said, I did not feel my best. I would have preferred not feeling, for maybe three weeks.
August 17th 11:41pm
Nootbaar (abdomen) was placed on the 10-day injured list Thursday, John Denton of MLB.com reports.
After fouling a ball off himself Wednesday, Nootbaar will now be sidelined for a over a week while nursing his injured lower abdomen. The outfielder will be replaced on the major-league roster by top prospect Masyn Winn, who had his contract selected from Triple-A Memphis.
Source: Rotowire
All I ask is that before I die, I see a blurb that reads: “Nootbaar (balls) was placed on the 10-day injured list Thursday.” I don’t think that’s too much to ask of the world. In fact, I’d prefer the following epitaph:
C.A. James
James (balls) was placed on the Too Big to Live list
Source: Rotoworld
