I don’t know many guys over the age of 35 that haven’t stood on the edge of a diving board, tested the wind with their thumb and casually fired off a series of armpit farts before triumphantly diving into the water. The Triple Lindy is a legendary 80’s movie scene courtesy of the late great Rodney Dangerfield, ranking right up there with Daniel LaRusso’s crane kick to win the All Valley Karate Championship.
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When did Busta Rhymes get so fat? Dayam!!! Dude looks like he ate the Busta Rhymes I remember that put out some great music back in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. I’m not much of a rap fan, but I was always a Busta fan. When he sang “Gimme Some More” who knew he was talking to the guy that was putting food on his plate. Did you hear what the talking M&M said to Busta in that unreleased M&M’s commercial? Put your hands where my eyes can see. Sorry Busta, it’s too easy. Please spend less time at the all you can eat buffets with Billy Butler and CC Sabathia and more time making dope music. I’m sure there’s a spot in the Fast and Furious 8 Soundtrack for you.
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by: malamoney
Coming into this season Kris Bryant was the rookie third baseman that had everyone going coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. After the year he had in the minor leagues in 2014 and the home run display he put on during Spring Training, who could blame anyone. Yet despite hitting 10 homers, driving in 42 runs and stealing 6 bases for 152 points, Bryant is not the rookie you were looking for. Be sure to read that last part in your best Episode 4 Obi-wan Kenobi voice. In 148 at bats (85 less than Bryant), Maikel Franco also has 10 home runs to go with his 123 points. With 0.783 points per plate appearance (PPPA) Franco is on pace to finish the season with 408 points (126 games), making him a top 10 3B, just ahead of Bryant who is on pace for 375 points. Considering Maikel has played 24 less games than Kris, that makes this even more noteworthy. Bryant is still the one I’d prefer to own long term, but if I had to settle for Franco, I wouldn’t be very disappointed.
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“Son of a female dog,” exclaimed Tim Lincecum as he reached into his pocket. “What? We’re out of weed,” asked Ron Washington in a rather concerned voice. “No man. We’re never out of weed,” replied Tim as he pulled out another joint. “I forgot to set my damn lineup again,” he continued as he lit the joint, took two hits and passed it to Wash. “Dude, with those two hits, I think you are approaching 3,000 hits,” declared Ron to Tim as he took a Chong-like inhale of the devil’s lettuce. “Me too,” remarked Alex Rodriguez, who had just stopped by Tim’s to pick up some baked goods. “Look what the cat dragged in,” said Lincecum when he saw ARod. “You want a hit,” he asked as he offered him the joint. “Nah man. I’d love to, but these idiot fans in New York are just starting to come back around. It’s amazing what a few home runs and RBIs will do for your fan base. The last thing I need to do is derail that progress,” replied Alex. “I see you forgot to set your lineup again today buddy. What’s with that? It’s like the third time this season. You’re lucky we’re not in a daily league,” he continued. “You guys are in the same league?” questioned Ron. “Yeah man,” said Tim. “That’s some bs. I asked to get in that league and you said you were full,” retorted Wash. “We were, but then Lenny Dykstra dropped out at the last minute. He said he was broke and couldn’t afford it. Magic Johnson offered to back him, but our league rules prohibit a person from paying for two teams. Alex happened to be there at the time, so he jumped in. Sorry,” explained Tim.
Please, blog, may I have some more?What’s that rule again? “I” before “E”, except after “C”? Or when sounded as “A”. As in “neighbor” and “weigh”. Or when followed by “X” or when preceded by “X” as in “Teixeira” and “Teixeira”. What in the world is with that spelling? It’s awful and is begging to be misspelled. While he’s only sporting a .245 batting average, that means very little in the land of points leagues. With 17 home runs, 45 RBIs and a stolen base, Mark Teixeira has 198 points, putting him at number 5 among all hitters. His 0.88 points per plate appearance (PPPA) puts him behind only Paul Goldschmidt (0.97), Bryce Harper (0.97) and Anthony Rizzo (0.92). For those of you avid Scrabble players interested in other words that contain “eix”, here are a few you can try out: deixis, peixere and gorceixite.
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With 16 home runs, 45 RBIs, 8 stolen bases and 230 fantasy points in 53 games, Paul Goldschmidt has been “making it rain” points in fantasy baseball land so far this season. While some might come close, none have been “as good as gold”. When we asked Tony the Tiger for his felinely opinion he has this to say. “Paul’s not good, he’s GOOOOLD!” Thanks Tony.
When gold was first discovered in Sacramento Valley way back in early 1848 it sparked the well-known Gold Rush of 1849. Some 300,000 people came to California in search of golden riches, marking one of the more significant events in 19th century US history. Well, I think it’s time to dust off your covered wagons and starting making your way to Arizona because I think we’re on the brink of the Gold Rush of 2015. Goldschmidt is on pace for 48 homers, 137 RBIs, 24 stolen bases and a whopping 703 fantasy points. Move over 49’ers!
In honor of our golden hero I have decided to make this week’s entire post a tribute to him.
So, who else has been a gold mine lately?
Please, blog, may I have some more? by: malamoney
Through the first few weeks of the season it seemed as if Prince Fielder was gearing up for another disappointing season. While last year was the result of an injury, it was disappointing nonetheless. Maybe he should have never left Milwaukee. You know, on the playground where he spent most of his days. Although Detroit wasn’t bad to him either. Those who doubted Fielder are now likely doubting themselves. Those that drafted him are now patting themselves on the back. In the past 14 days, no hitter has more fantasy points than Prince who has collected 72 points, including 6 home runs, 19 RBIs and 0 stolen bases. However I am predicting at least one stolen base before the season concludes and I believe that will be one more than Billy Butler‘s season total. Fielder is on pace for 35 home runs, 133 RBIs and a “jazzy” 577 points. 133 RBIs would be a single season high for Prince. Even though he looks more like Uncle Phil, The Fresh Prince Fielder is back!
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In 1977, not only was yours truly introduced to this cruel, crazy beautiful world, but so was a place that would sell the coolest of cool gadgets. Who reading this can say that, as a kid, or even an adult, they didn’t go into a Sharper Image to sit in one of their outrageously overpriced, super comfortable leather massage chairs. The display chairs in those showrooms saw more action than Jenna Jameson did in the late 90s. The Sharper Image was a great place to kill a good 20 minutes while you wife, girlfriend or other female shopping companion went into the stores you had no desire to see the inside of. It was either Sharper Image or Cinnabon, or both. I used to get yelled at all the time by the store clerks for eating that cinnamon deliciousness while getting a free mechanical rub down.
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Max Scherzer, Jordan Zimmermann, and Stephen Strasburg. If that doesn’t sound like the guest list for Temple Beth Sholom’s Rosh Hashanah bash, I don’t know what does. Who will the Nationals sign next, Ryan Braun, Ike Davis or Ian Kinsler? How many Jews does it take to win a World Series? Now before anyone goes and gets offended, let me say that I myself am Jewish, or at least I was raised as such. Bar Mitzvah and all. And that means that it’s kosher for me make Jewish jokes. It’s kinda like how African-American rappers and comedians are allowed to say the word that shall not be said. Shockingly, however, none of Scherzer, Zimmermann, nor Strasburg light the menorah. Say what!?! It’s true. You won’t find any of those names in Adam Sandler’s next rendition of the Hanukkah Song. But while I’m on the topic, allow me to say that Hebrew National hot dogs are, by far, the best hot dogs one can eat. Actually all kosher hot dogs are pretty damn delicious. Most importantly, they are all beef. No uncertainly about what you are actually eating. After all, they answer to a higher authority!
Sometimes I day dream that after nine innings of waving my “K” sign in the air and chanting “K” in the King’s Court, that Felix and I would hit the closest watering hole to crush some cervezas and throw back tequila shots until the sun comes up. Then we’d try and figure out where the donkey came from and how we ended up in Tijuana with Ron Washington and Yovani Gallardo. Once we had that all settled, I’d check my fantasy team and count all the points Felix scored for my team.
Last week I promised more pitching, and if I’m anything, I’m a man of my word. I’m not sure which word, but I’m sure I’ll manage. You want pitchers, I give you pitchers.
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Perhaps the title to this week’s post was influenced by the fact that I just watched Miguel Cabrera smack a 432-foot home run for his second of the day, bringing his season total to 5 home runs and 83 fantasy points. Don’t look now, but Miggy is batting .370 and is quietly climbing his way to the top. Or perhaps today’s title has been influenced by the fact that, as I write this, I am also in the process of packing my bags to get ready to take my family to Disney World. Actually, I am certain it’s a combination of both.
Please, blog, may I have some more? by: malamoney
Only 15 games into the 2015 season, I asked myself: “Is it too early to compile positional rankings?” Considering most readers love rankings, the answer was a resounding “NO”. However, what was more troubling was the fact that I consistently find myself talking to myself. Allow myself to introduce myself. That was awkward. You should only hear half the sh*t that goes on inside my head, but we’ll leave that exploration into my thoughts for another time…
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