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Grey

Every Player In Cuba Must (Embar)Go!

November 19, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 140 Comments

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The White Sox signed Jose Abreu to the biggest deal in the history of Cuban baseball if you don’t count the time Fidel, J. Edgar Hoover and a CIA operative, who went by the name of Billy, played a game of stick ball for who would be the patsy in the Kennedy assassination. Middle infielder Lee Harvey’s error let the game-winning run cross home and the rest is history. Jim Bowden believes Jose Abreu can hit 30 homers and a .310 average. This was after Abreu came out in favor of everyone driving Segways, so Bowden might’ve been partial. Oh, who are we kidding? Jim Bowden’s a gooftard who thought Elijah Dukes was the second coming of, well, Elijah. Abreu is a wild card like, really, any Cuban player. He could come in like a Puig and out like an El Duque. Speaking of Puig, Abreu has been better than him and Cespedes in his Cuban baseball career. Also, Abreu gets some rave reviews because he’s considered a ‘good kid.’ Yippee, let’s sing For He’s a Jolly Good Fella and let him bring in our mail when we’re out of town. Doesn’t mean anything. What means something is Abreu can be beat by 92+ MPH fastballs. That means he’s going to have to hit a lot of number 3, 4 and 5 starters. It’s doable, but he’s not going to hit .310 or 30 homers. Since he’s a first baseman, I see him around the Kendrys Morales/Mark Trumbo level. Definitely worth owning in all leagues, but depending on where you have to draft him there might be more risk than he’s worth. For 2014, I’ll give Jose Abreu the projections of 78/26/88/.268/2. Anyway, in other Cuban signings for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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Grey

Jameson Taillon, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

November 18, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 143 Comments

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Guess who’s back? *presses button on tape deck for my intro music, jams the buttons a few times trying to get it to work, calls up unemployed tape deck repairman, asks unemployed tape deck repairman why my tape deck doesn’t work, unemployed tape deck repairman patches me through to customer service person in India that his job was outsourced to, tries to communicate with Indian replacement tape deck repairman customer service agent, instead finds out about vacation rentals in Bangalore, gives up on tape deck* Forget the intro music; I’m having problems with my tape deck. I’m back, snitches! You miss me? I missed you too. Please stop touching my leg. I’m married now or as my new e-book title will be called, “Twenty-Two Days Left For An Annulment.” Now, I’ve gone over my Archie Bradley fantasy and Taijuan Walker fantasy and others. In the past, I’ve gone over what I think of rookie pitchers. They’re a lottery ticket that rarely pays dividends. I don’t mind grabbing one off waivers, but that’s usually all they’re worth. For every Jose Fernandez, there’s about three dozen Erasmo Ramirezes (Ramii?). There’s also a crapton of Carlos Martinezes. (Carlos Martini? Hey, Yovani Gallardo would like them. “I’ll have three Carlos Martinis and make them dirty.” That’s Yovani right before he’s about to drive home.) Rookie pitchers are guys that could be decent, but their usage is all over the map. Wacha would fall into this group too. With that said (reversal time!), I’m not sure why Jameson Taillon hasn’t been promoted to the majors yet. He doesn’t look like he needs to prove anything else in the minors. He could’ve helped the Pirates this year, and will help them next year. Only thing that was stopping the Pirates from promoting him was starting his arbitration clock. Like a Catholic school girl, the Pirates were trying to keep their booty to themselves for a little while longer. Why are all Pirates prudes? Cause they consider their booty a treasure. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. I’d imagine if the Pirates waited this long, they’re gonna go the same route in 2014 for the first two months. We won’t see Taillon in the majors until June. So, what can we expect of Jameson Taillon for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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Grey

Yordano Ventura, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

November 1, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 90 Comments

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We’re gonna try something different today. We’re not going to talk about a lot of extraneous shizz. We’re gonna talk about Yordano Ventura. We’re not going to talk about Ruben Studdard on The Biggest Loser and how his rolls have rolls while wishing he had a Rolls. We’re not going to talk about the newest season of The Voice and how Christina’s coaching style is to sing the songs better than the singtestants, how Blake and C. Lo can’t sing worth a lick and how Adam just purses his lips like Zoolander. We’re not going to talk about the new Drake album and how I’ve listened to it on repeat for the last three weeks. The Language is my jammie jam! No, we’re not going to talk about any of that. We’re especially not gonna talk about how I’m getting married tomorrow. HOLY EFFIN EFF ARE WE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT! Can we never talk about that? Is it too late to run off to Miami and be with Giancarlo forever and ever amen? We’re not gonna talk about any of that. We’re going to talk about Yordano Ventura or YoVe, which sounds like a black Jew kvetching. “Do you have to throw the no-look pass so hard? YoVe!” Did you know Sammy Davis Jr.’s favorite expression was YoVe? Of course, you didn’t know that because I just made it up. So, with all of that said about Yordano Ventura, what can we expect from him for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Miguel Sano, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 29, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 100 Comments

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Many of you (none of you) have been asking me the same question, day after day (no one’s asked me), when are you going to mustache model? The 2nd most asked question (that no one is asking) is when are we going to get another Donkey. We’ve had Adam Dunn, the Big Donkey. Mark Reynolds, the Mini Donkey. Ian Stewart, the Mini Mini Donkey. Donkeys can hit 35 homers, give a handful of steals and hit .240 while being at a corner infield position. (Dunn’s speed was when he was younger; he once stole 19 bases, and Stewart’s power was when it seemed like he could hit in the major leagues). It’s Donkey season and there’s a new Donkey. Miguel Sano is Donkey Jr. The Donkey Jr. show is near, and you don’t have to turn away in disgust from this donkey show hoping you get no unwanted fluids on your shirt. In fact, you may want to take part in it without feeling like you need to change your name and leave a note to your family for the disgusting display you took part in. So, what can we expect of Miguel Sano for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Jonathan Singleton, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 28, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 80 Comments

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Jonathan Singleton was suspended for 50 games this past year for smoking marijuana. Singleton wasn’t even tested until he kept forgetting the pitch count and called time out to grab some nachos. After his suspension, Singleton said, “I made an error in judgement. I should’ve cleansed by downing a 3-liter jug of cranberry juice rather than Nature’s Way Detox Tea. Damn you, Tommy Chong, for endorsing that!” Any self-respecting marijuana smoker will tell you that players aren’t suspended for DUIs but marijuana gets them… Then they trail off and their argument becomes less coherent and they’ll ask if they can borrow your Snuggie so they can take a nap. When Singleton returned from his suspension, he didn’t exactly hotbox the stadium with his power. This past year he hit six homers and .220 in 73 games (294 PAs) in Triple-A. Yay/sounds awesome/sarcasm. To get all third person on you, why is Grey even talking about him and what can we expect from Jonathon Singleton for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Taijuan Walker, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 25, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 89 Comments

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Taijuan Walker wasn’t shooting straight butter like a freebasing Amish person when he was called up to the majors this year. Doesn’t really matter either. He only had 15 innings in the majors and those fifteen innings mean bupkis. It was nice to see him keep his ERA at 3.60, but it could’ve been 7+ and it wouldn’t have mattered. Too small of a sample size. It’s like the first date where you drop $200 bucks on a some schmancy place and actually give the waiter a 20% tip. You’re gonna score there, but how well are things gonna go when you haven’t showered in two days and you’re wearing bronzer to cover up your cold sore? That’s what separates the men from the boys. That and the ability to a rent a car. What Taijuan’s taste of the majors (which is better than the Taste of Poughkeepsie) did show us is he’ll be shortlisted for the Opening Day rotation. That’s good. So what can we expect of Taijuan Walker for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

George Springer, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 24, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 118 Comments

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“All right, guys, we have a lot to play for this year. First and foremost, Barbara Bush will be attending our July 19th game. That’ll be fun. Second and secondmost, we have the American Idol winner throwing out the ball for a game in August. Thank God, Taylor Hicks can’t win twice. Third and thirdmost, we should be within five games of first place by the fifth game of the season.” That’s the Astros GM in March. In other words, why shouldn’t they start George Springer out of Spring Training? I guess because they’re cheap. But cheap is a reason to reuse paper towels, not to keep down one of your best prospects when your team is terrible. It will be appalling if the Astros don’t give Springer a job. If you don’t know who George Springer is, then you’ve been living in a cave so put on some sunglasses and read on. Anyway, what can we expect of George Springer for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Xander Bogaerts, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 22, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 134 Comments

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The Red Sox have proclaimed by proclamation that Xander Bogaerts will have every opportunity in the spring training of 2014 to win a starting job. Well, they haven’t really said that. Yet. They will. It’s the same spiel every team says about every prospect. “You-Know-Whosie has shown plenty in the minor leagues and now You-Know-Whosie will get every opportunity to show me, the Ruler of What Our Team Does, what You-Know-Whosie can do.” That’s what they say. It’s a basic Mad Libs of team-speak. I don’t think Xander gets that opportunity out of Spring Training. I mean, I think they say he will, but unless he’s the team leader in batting, they’ll probably send him down until June. It’s not clear as of right now due to the opening the Sawx will have at shortstop with Drew becoming a free agent. So, I’ll go over what Xander can do if called up in June (which I think will happen) and what he can do if he’s the starting shortstop out of spring training. Anyway, what can Xander Bogaerts do for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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Grey

Oscar Taveras, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 21, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 123 Comments

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He looks like he’s ready to be a Matt Holliday-sized bat in the middle of the Cardinals order. He looked that way last year too. Oscar Taveras had numerous setbacks this year due to a high-ankle sprain that occurred on May 12th. In 46 games in Triple-A, he hit 5 homers and stole 5 bags while hitting .306. It was a lost year like your sophomore year in college. He’s still plenty young enough that it shouldn’t matter. He’ll turn 22 years old in June. Here’s what I said last year, “From what I’ve heard (read), Taveras’s biggest strike against him is he doesn’t see any strikes — turn of a phrase point! He’s being compared to Vladimir Guerrero without having knees like Mama from Mama’s Family. Taveras swings and hits everything. Also, like Vlad, his swing is long, unwieldy and it looks like he could swing at pitches above his head and in the dirt on two consecutive pitches. (Google video of Oscar Taveras if you don’t believe me; what, you don’t believe me? My feelings are hurt.) What wasn’t mentioned above, his stats also look like a young Vlad. I will call you, Vladimir Guerrerito. He can hit for power and steal bases. At twenty years old, he hit 23 homers in 477 ABs with 11 steals in Double-A in 2012, his last full year of minor league ball.” And that’s me quoting me! Nothing’s changed on any of that but the calendar date, assuming you flip the months and don’t wait for them to magically flip themselves. So what can we expect of Oscar Taveras for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Billy Hamilton, 2014 Fantasy Outlook

October 18, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 114 Comments

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I just spent thirty minutes looking up what Jere Burns has been up to. Ah, the offseason. You are a soothing mistress that touches my naughty bits with idle hands. A quick preamble about the 2014 fantasy baseball rookie series that is coming from me over the next few weeks. Rookies are picked through MLB eligibility requirements, less than 130 ABs or 50 IP. That means no Avisail Garcia, no Michael Wacha and no Danny Salazar. In 2012, the first batter I highlighted was Mike Trout. That wasn’t an accident. I said in the Mike Trout post that “he’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. He’s the big Statue of Liberty in New York, not that girly one in Paris!” Last year, the first batter I highlighted was Wil Myers. You see a pattern? Eh, slow your juices on the thinking. I’ll tell you. The first rookie I highlight will be a top rookie for fantasy. This prospect isn’t no ordinary man, this is the prospect I be seeing in my sleep. Billy Hamilton will be your number one fantasy rookie for next year. With Dusty’s toothpick out of Cincy, how will playing time shake out for Hamilton? What if the toothpick stays, but Dusty goes? How will food shake out of Dusty’s teeth? Will Dusty be relegated to coaching Little League games, which will mean there will be no new major league pitchers in ten years because he’ll ruin them at twelve years old? So many questions and so little time to look up Jere Burns info! Anyway, what can we expect of Billy Hamilton for 2014 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Top 40 Starters, 2013 Fantasy Baseball

October 17, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 85 Comments

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So, how’s everyone holding up without fantasy baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! This weekend I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Giancarlo Stanton for 2014. Then I laughed hysterically for a good twenty minutes until someone asked me to leave. We’ve gone over the final 2013 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. There’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left before we’re into 2014 fantasy baseball. You’re welcome. Well, there are Rudy’s recaps of every fantasy sites projections that are coming eventually; I’m guessing they’ll be posted while I’m on my honeymoon. But I’m not sure, because I’ll be sipping motherf**king daiquiris while contemplating adultery for the first time. I got lust in my heart like Jimmy Carter! (That would be the worst rap lyric of all time.) Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

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