There’s rumblings that Aroldis Chapman will be in the rotation. ¬†This isn’t the first time we’ve heard this. ¬†In fact, I think every year since Aroldis costumed himself as a giant cigar and smuggled himself in a humidor out of Cuba, there’s been rumblings that he will be in the rotation. ¬†Just yesterday, I ran into a man who had been in a coma since 2010 and he asked how Aroldis has been doing in the rotation. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, it happened. ¬† Only thing different now is the Reds have to realize they’re a bunch of Mr. Bungles if they leave Chapman as the closer, and they have Broxton to take over the role. ¬†Broxton is not the closer Aroldis is/was/would be, but he is/was/will be good enough. ¬†Throw Nicholas from The Voice in the closer role and he’ll do the job, with his dulcet tones. ¬†As our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater will tell you, Chapman was the ninth best pitcher in all of baseball last year. ¬†That’s not just out of relievers. ¬†He’s dominant. ¬†I don’t need to tell you that. ¬†In theory, closers lose a tad when they enter the rotation. ¬†Hitters see them more, they need to throw more than one or two types of pitches, more innings — how will they adjust? and– ¬†Let’s see Dempster, Chris Sale, Neftali Feliz, C.J. Wilson… Did these pitchers get better or worse in the rotation? ¬†I don’t know, young prematurely balding man. ¬†I think it’s right in theory, but in theory I know some guys that should be virgins and they’re bouncing a little kid on their lap telling the kid to not spill their beer. ¬†Just because a closer becomes a starter it doesn’t mean a step back. ¬†My mind will blow if I try to think what Chapman would be in the rotation without a regression. ¬†Even with a slight regression, he’s a top 15 starter, easily. ¬†Yeah, I’m drooling. ¬†The only thing stopping him is injury to him or Broxton. ¬†Or to Toni Braxton, as my Autocorrect tried to write. ¬†For 2013, I’m gonna give Aroldis the line of 12-4/2.90/1.10/170 in 155 innings. ¬†That’s a thing of beauty. ¬†Anyway, here’s some more offseason news for 2013 fantasy baseball:
B.J. Upton – To the Braves. ¬†Now when B.J. is coming up to the plate, fans can do The Tomahawk Chop by turning their hand towards their lap rather than towards the field. ¬†Don’t act that out at work, you will get fired. ¬†B.J.! ¬†The Sideways Tomahawk Chop…¬†B.J.! ¬†The¬†Sideways Tomahawk Chop… I don’t see anything different from Upton in Atlanta. ¬†He is the kind of player that would be the same in just about every lineup/ballpark. ¬†His Home/Away splits over the last three years are .239 vs. .245 average, 33 homers vs. 36 homers and .750 vs. .755 OPS. ¬†You’d be hard pressed to find a player that similar depending on his environs, you’d also have to be pretty bored to try and find said player. ¬†BTW, if you write¬†environs, you’re smart. ¬†If you say¬†environs out loud, you’re a giant tool. ¬†Don’t shoot the messenger. ¬†For 2013, I’ll give Upton the line of 90/25/72/.255/39. ¬†I like him a lot.
Ryan Madson – Headed to the Angels to be the closer. ¬†Ernesto Frieri will move into the set-up role, i.e., Frieri will say, “I was flying all night,” and Madson will say, “Boy, your arms must be tired.” ¬†After 22 blown saves by the Angels bullpen last year, there’s a chance the Angels just have another year with a bullpen chock full of Cuddle Boys. ¬†Madson says he will be 100% for the start of the season, but, with Tommy John surgery last March, I wouldn’t be surprised if he misses the first month. ¬†He will come cheap in drafts and could have a chance for a nice Donkeycorn season. ¬†In 2011, Madson had 60 2/3 IP with 32 saves and a 2.37 ERA. ¬†Shabby it was not, said Yoda.
Wilton Lopez – Traded to the Phils. ¬†This gives a wide open opportunity to the Astros reliever, Sam Demel, to show his stuff. ¬†You know Sam Demel; he used to slide Alice free meat under the counter. ¬†*checking notes* ¬†Yup, that’s Sam Demel. ¬†The Astros could also use Lowrie or Altuve to close games because, as the Astros said, “Rules state a closer must protect a lead, let’s work on getting a lead first. ¬†Now come join us for Biggio bobblehead night!” ¬†The Astros will probably go outside their system to find a one-year replacement. ¬†Maybe bring back Brandon Lyons. ¬†He seemed to understand the Astros’ culture of losing games.
Andy Pettitte – Will return to the Yankees because Pettitte’s kids refuse to let him play the Wii and he needs something to do. ¬†This couldn’t excite me less. ¬†He came back for 75 1/3 IP glorious innings last year with a 8+ K-rate and a 2.87 ERA, but he’s more of a 6-ish K-rate guy with a near-4 ERA. ¬†Last year, he left more men on base than a Catholic schoolgirl. ¬†They start much too late, from what I hear.
Chone Figgins – The Mariners decided to pay Figgy $8 million to not be on their team. ¬† #figgyworldproblems
Carlos Ruiz – Suspended for the first twenty-five games of 2013 due to testing positive for ADD medicine, Adderall. ¬†Ruiz said, “I’m truly sorry for what I’ve done–Hey, what’s that? ¬†A number two pencil? ¬†I used to use those for standardized tests in Panama. ¬†Like I was saying, this suspension is a disgrace to me, my family and– Are those shoes comfortable? ¬†I get bunions. ¬†One time, I got this bunion and I drew a face on it and called it, “Billy.” ¬†Billy stayed with me for three years. ¬†He’d keep me up at night, talking my ear off. ¬†So annoying. ¬†Like Gleek, the Wonder Twins monkey sidekick. ¬†What were we talking about again?” ¬†Hmm, maybe Ruiz needed that Adderall, after all.