This Year Power Tools Is What Everyone Is Buying At CES

[sitting down to pitch Netflix execs] “So, you open with a host saying, ‘Welcome back to our favorite program, ‘Post-Post-Post-Post…’ and the host says ‘post’ for thirty minutes, looks at his watch, then says, ‘Welp, that’s all the time we have,’ and that’s the entire show about Christian Encarnacion-Strand, never getting to say ‘Post-hype prospect.’ What are the other ten episodes? Glad you asked! It’s exactly the same. Each episode is the host saying, ‘Welcome back to our favorite program, ‘Post-Post-Post-Post…’ and the host says ‘post’ for thirty minutes, looks at his watch then says, ‘Welp, that’s all the time we have.’ So, what do you think? No? Hmm, we can make him cake…” As long as we don’t make him Cake Batter. If I’m the Orioles, I trade someone and give Christian Encarnacion-Strand full-time at-bats. Will they? I haven’t the foggiest. He really should get an opportunity though. A real opportunity. He hit 19 HRs in the minors this year in 274 ABs and already has a couple homers in the majors. There’s not many guys who are currently in the majors with his power, who are available in literally every fantasy league, who just needs at-bats. Think it’s worth a speculative grab that he’s a post-post-post… Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Harry Ford – Due to him being called up between Grey roundups, I didn’t get a chance to give you my thoughts on Harry Ford, either. First off, his full name is Harrison Ford. I am not joking. Yes, you can call him Han Solo. Can he be better than Boba Chette? Han’s got power, some speed, and a giant dog friend. He went 7/35 in Double-A and 16/7 last year in Triple-A, but he’s behind Keibert Ruiz, which isn’t insignificant. Mostly for deeper, two-catcher leagues.

Patrick Bailey – Hottest catcher in baseball this week (who’s rostered in under 50% of leagues) also happens to be played by America’s all-time most likable actor. Worst Jimmy Stewart impression, “Now, excuse me, Mr. Potter, but I have real value in two-catcher leagues.”

Ty France – Zero fantasy value outside of the occasional homer and–Oh, man, I just realized he’s been better than Vlad Jr. Moving on!

Jacob Gonzalez – Keep forgetting that he was traded from the White Sox to the Pirates this month. I’m not entirely sure why either, but, as my high school English teacher would say about my overuse of semicolons, “I don’t care why you’re doing what you’re doing; just stop.” Jacob Gonzalez is one of the hottest bats in baseball and has solid contact (20.2 K%) and four homers with a 37% HardHit.

Tommy White – He is similar to other A’s hitters, and one of the reasons why I like a bunch of them — Joshua Kuroda-Grauer (RIP your nuts), White, Jacob Wilson — as they all make a lot of contact. White had a 13-ish K% for two years in the minors and is only 23. He’s pretty severely blocked by Kurtz, when the latter’s healthy, so might just be our great White hope in AL-Only leagues for the next day or so.

Andres Chaparro – His manager thinks he should be penned with the llamas, which is Moron City, because he’s hitting righties much better than lefties. Give him one of those hiking hydration backpacks with a straw, because he’s a broken llama.

Tim Tawa – Took over for Pavin Smith, who was sent to the minors. Smith’s garbage stats were [pinkie to mouth] Pavin the way. Tawa’s better? Well, power, speed and might hit .210.

Nick Gonzales – Looked at the league leaders in average the other day and saw Gonzales, Otto Lopez, Arraez and Yandy in the top five (Yordan rounded it out) and decided to open the top 20 for average. It’s a hilarious group of Who Now? and Oh, Really? To give you a taste of how “Huh? No Way,” the league leaders in average are, the Rockies are dominating with three guys.

Cole Young – Already looking at him for a 2027 fantasy baseball sleeper. Yes, it’s a sickness!

Joey Ortiz – Pick him up if you need some power, speed and a hot bat. That’s my JOI. [intern whispers] No, it stands for Joey Ortiz Instructions. Everyone knows that.

Cooper Pratt – As I said previously, “Pratt’s MiLB stats: 6/17/.244 and a 14.3 K% and 13.2 BB%. So, they basically have another Brice Turang. Actually, I said that for Lara too. So, they have three Turangs. Holy crap, it’s Multiplicity!” And that’s me quoting me! Too bad they each lose a bit with each new Turang.

Griffin Conine – Him and Kyle Karros should come up with their own Nepo Baby handshake. Like, rather than shaking hands, they mime pickpocketing their father for his car keys and credit cards.

Lane Thomas – Raise your hand if you fell for Thomas’s 28/20/.268 season in 2023. Now, raise your hand if you fell for him in 2024, 2025 and don’t have him in 2026. I’ve run out of hands.

Jacob Young – Was surprised to see him as the top outfielder on the 7-day Player Rater. Better than Petey Halpin? You must be foolin’! You have to be doin’ a foolin’ right now! I’m talkin’ Petey Halpin!

Braden Montgomery – In roughly a half year combining his minor and major league numbers, he’d be roughly on a 28/10/.270 pace. It’s super janky to combine MiLB and MLB stats, but I’m janky, y’all!

Steven Kwan – He’s been hot, as everyone in this post, more or less, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I saw Kwan’s HardHit% and I did a spit take and my spit spelled out, “Is that the lowest HardHit% ever?” It’s not, but it’s incredibly low. For what it’s Cronenworth, the lowest HardHit% (10.9) since 2000 is Jamey Carroll, an excellent blast from the past, who also hit .290 that year.

Victor Mesa Jr. – ViMeJu isn’t just the Indian pharmacist who loudly announces to the store, “You love your Vicodins, huh?” but he’s also one of the hottest bats currently.

Joc Pederson – He has played a lot better this year with Tommy Pham out of the league. Curious.

Robert Gasser – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Macy’s housewares.

Nick Martinez – This is also a Streamonator call. “I think if you put your top shelf blender on the phone you’ll see it wants to talk to me too.”

Tyler Wells – One of the best closers is the kind that was a terrible starter, right? Right, Mariano Rivera? Great, then tell Wells. Please. This could also be Andrew Kittredge.

Jacob Webb – He’s been solid, but also not seemingly the default closer. It’s default of Craig Counsell.

Mason Montgomery – He should be the Pirates’ closer, but he’s a lefty, and LL Donkey seems to want Gregory Soto to work if the job goes to a lefty.

Michael Petersen – Pete Fairbanks has been more or less broken all year and the Marlins always trade their closer, whether they’re winning or losing. Kinda think the same with Aroldis Chapman too. Oh, yeah, the Red Sox would never trade away a guy who makes their team better. Right.

Juan Morillo – Paul Sewald has been meh for a while now, but this is your middle relief pickup of the week. Morillo comes with the gas, but not talking about gas when I say Morillo makes me cut the cheese! Wait, I’m thinking of membrillo. Morillo isn’t likely in line for saves, but he’s been solid for ratios and quince–I mean, Ks.

SELL

Ozzie Albies – This Sell hurts my soul, because I love Albies. He’s the same height as me. By decree of Gary Coleman’s Last Will and Testament, “Short Kings have to stick together,” and I’m the one breaking that arrangement. I failed you, Ozzie, you did not fail me! Though, you did let me down a bit by not stealing much, and, um, also:

I just vomited in my mouth, spit it out on the floor and it spelled out “Vomit.” I got meta vomit over here for how bad he looks. Now, Ozzie was never an Ohtani of Exit Velocity. OEV he was not. He was barely better than Masyn Winn, but this is next level down for Ozzie. He used to be over 32% on HardHit%, now he’s barely scrapping 28%. He used to be 8-9% on barrels, now he barely scrapping 4%. It’s all very bleh. That Ozzie homered a couple times this week means he’s hot and will continue for the next few days, but also gives you an opportunity to trade him. I wouldn’t trade Ozzie Albies for a car horn that squeals, “Nerd Alert,” but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.