Greetings! I’m back, better than ever. I’m top of my game, even them country boys saying “Beddict, we feelin’ ya maaaaayne.” My previous week has been spent scouring the internet, attempting to penetrate the brains of each and every player-ranking “expert” on the planet. What I found out is this…I absolutely adore the shortstop position this year! Say one thing for Beddict, he’s a lover. I know, I know, they can’t all have great seasons. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. But still, I’m fairly high on 12-16 shortstops this season and it will more than likely be a position I wait on in the draft. We have much to discuss, so let’s jump right in.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Shortstops who will Delight
Xander Bogaerts – Needless to say, the .240 BA, 12 homers, and TWO stolen bases were more depressing than when Anna-Nicole Smith married that 120-year-old billionaire, started eating a bucket of fried chicken followed up with two pounds of raw cookie dough…for breakfast, and then became a pill-popping nut job before tragically dying at the age of 39 . Hey, we’ll always have the ability to go back and witness her exceptional performance in The Naked Gun 33 and 1/3: The Final Insult. Seriously, go back and check out this chick if you’re too young to remember. Anna straight up reminded me of my Jeep, and that’s no lie. “You remind me of my jeep. I wanna ride it. Something like my sound, I wanna pump it. Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it.”
Jung Ho Kang – Mr. Hooooooo checka. Don’t get me started on this beast from the far east. Jody Mercer is blocking his path to fantasy stardom, but guess what? Mercer is softer than a doughnut fresh out tha deep fryer, and my man Ho goes harder than a Cialis laced banana-eating Gorilla equipped with a penile implant during mating season. Witness!
So you’re telling me that hitting .356 with 40 home runs (runner-up in the league) and 117 RBI (third) AND also leading the league in slugging percentage (.739) and OPS (1.198) is only worth 11 million bucks over 4 years? Isn’t that, like, two percent of what Pujols makes per season? Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna do, what you all think I’m gonna do, and just flip out, man! All I wanna know is, how were teams not lined up to grab this power hitting shortstop at this BARGAIN basement price? I mean, you get Nicolas Cage to film 20 movies for 11 milly. Christian Slater? Shooooot, that’s a lifetime contract for ANYTHING you desire to do with him. Wanna put him in a cage and throw excrement on him? I’m sure he’d be game. Sure, Kang may never make any significant impact, but he’s got a believer in Beddict and I’ll be watching closer than I watch that mole on my nuts. You know, in case it becomes cancerous and what not.
By no means am I advising you to go into the season with Kang as your starting shortstop or middle infielder. What I AM saying is that by mid-season home-slice may be setting the league on fire, assisting the Pittsburgh Pirates in landing a playoff spot. Did I mention Kang-bang is an exciting defensive player as well? How has this legend not been named the starter as of yet? That’s like benching Michael Jordan for John Paxton.
Jean Segura – ESPN has Segura ranked as the 15th best SS in fantasy this season. That’s more insulting than the last modeling job I was offered…Think of me in a g-string, lathered in motor oil, checking tire pressure. No thanks Jiffy Lube of Canada. I have a real career now……
It’s highly probable that Segura will never come close to superstar-status again, but I still love his upside. Anyone recall that his young son died? Think that it might POSSIBLY be challenging to play a sport after going through something like that? Yeah, give the man a break.
Beddict on Television…
Black Sails – I attempted to put you onto this last season, but I’m unaware if any of you fine people actually dug through my words and discovered the buried treasure that is Black Sails. What? What’s that you say? You don’t fancy cunning Pirates, stunning beaches, radiant and shapely women, and sex scenes so exquisite it’s not even awkward watching with your mom and dad? Okay, it still definitely is, but if you’re not watching this Treasure Island prequel, you’re blowing it harder than meth’d out Lisa Anne. Don’t be that guy. Come sail with me, mateys! Okay, that was corny. But really though, watch this show.
Shortstops that will Disgrace
Elvis Andrus – Is this guy the most overrated player in baseball? I’d much prefer to gamble on Bogaerts or Baez later in the draft than select a declining hitter who might steal you 30 bases with ZERO power. Not my bag, baaaaby, noooo. Sounds about as amusing as going to see any Jim Carrey film from the past 10 years. Yep, a total joke, only it’s not funny.
Hold up, I’m confused. Andrus had FIFTEEN caught stealing last season compared with 27 stolen bases? Either this is a misprint or I’m just blazed beyond belief, right? I’ll go over his statistics after the oils wear off in the morning. Got em off these dwarves in the Himalaya’s a few months back. Potent stuff.
Ben Zobrist – Zobrist hit only 10 homers and stole 10 bags last season, concerning, as he will shortly turn 34 years of age. Things seem to always work out for Oakland and I don’t doubt Z-nasty will have a solid year, I’m just not going to be the one drafting him. As I so eloquently wrote about earlier, they’re just aren’t many Shortstops I don’t like this season. This is beyond painful, as I truly enjoy tearing apart the souls of players that have let me down harder than the last two episodes of TheWalking Dead, but my hatred will have to flood the internet next week when we discuss third basemen. Speaking of flooding, please tell me you’ve witnessed the Slater classic Hard Rain. Speaking of 90’s flicks, when did they stop doing the voiceover in the background for the previews??? Did dude who did all the commentary have to go back and sell life insurance? [Jay’s Note: He actually died…] My man was living the high life!!! Where is he now? Autographed, used man thong to whoever can tell me what’s become of the man.
Thank you for joining me for what was hopefully another spectacular edition of Disgrace/Delight. There’s almost nothing better than discussing fantasy baseball with you in the comment section. Sure, I enjoy traveling this marvelous world, lathering myself with baby oil and hitting a local nude beach, blasting Columbian snow out of D-list celebrity chick’s butts, but if I’m doing none of those things, there’s a more than solid chance I’ll be right here, at Razzball baby. It’s Grey’s school for gifted youngsters, only Grey’s not bald and some of these writers are older than dirt. Meet me here next week. Same time, same place.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143.