To come up with the 20 biggest draft busts — pitcher’s edition! — I used Rudy Gamble’s fantasy baseball player rater. Some of the schmohawkiest pitchers, like Carlos Silva, I left off. Not because he was better than expected, but because he was as expected. That’s not a bust. This is similar to Tim Gunn’s monkey house analogy that goes something like this, “If you visit the monkey house, it smells like crap. If you live in the monkey house, it no longer smells like crap.” In each entry of the 20 biggest draft busts of 2008, you’ll find the Average Draft Position (ADP) and the Forget the Plunger, Call the Plumber (FPCP) metric, which I made up to illustrate how badly some of these fantasy baseball pitchers shat your proverbial house. Anyway, here’s the 20 biggest draft busts of 2008, the pitchers:

20. Daniel Cabrera – No, this is the year for the breakout! No, wait… I mean, next year!… Or 2010! Yes, definitely by 2010. ADP, 329 — FPCP, 1.3

19. Matt Cain – His numbers are actually close to what I was worried Lincecum would do. Good Ks, decent ERA but an 8-14 record. ADP, 131 — FPCP, 2.1

18. Jeremy Bonderman – Frankly, I don’t know anyone that drafted him, so maybe he doesn’t deserve to be on this list. Then again, he has an average draft position of 169 so someone drafted him. Hmm… Maybe fantasy baseball is really popular in Michigan and these numbers are skewed by Tigers fans. I’ll need a statistician with lots of free time to figure this out. Email me at totallyeffinbored [at] razzball.com. ADP, 169 — FPCP, 2.5

17. Josh Beckett – Not really an awful year, but you wanted more than a 12-10 record. This is the problem with Wins. “When I say no rhyme, you say no reason…” “No rhyme…” “No reason…” “No rhyme…” “No reason…” ADP, 44 — FPCP, 3.7

16. Carlos Zambrano – 130 Ks in almost 190 innings is a major problem. Another problem, never knowing if you were going to get “Thanks for the no-hitter, Big Z!” or “Z just soiled my team’s linens.” ADP, 66 — FPCP, 4.9

15. Johnny Cueto – Hey, it’s the wunderkind! Hey, wunderkind, how are ya doing? Say hello to ya mother for me. Undrafted according to Mock Draft Central, but you know you drafted him. FPCP, 5.5

14. John Maine – I had high (big) apple pie in the sky hopes for this schmohawk. He gave you some stretches where he was decent. Other times, he gave you stretch marks on your ulcer. ADP, 133 — FPCP, 6.2

13. Jeff Francis – Luckily for fantasy baseballers (<–that sounds like something my Mom would say), Jeff Francis pitches at Coors so it makes dropping him feel much easier. ADP, 152 — FPCP, 6.9

12. J.J. Putz/Chad Cordero – This was supposed to be for just starters, but, well, these closers busted. Why did I put them at 12? Cause it’s my list. ADP, High — FPCP, 7.4

11. Francisco Liriano – What, you drafted him in March for six solid starts in August? Yeah, a’ight. ADP, 112 — FPCP, 9.1

10. Pedro Martinez – Watching Pedro this year, Nelson de la Rosa rolled over in his shoe box. ADP, 160 — FPCP, 9.5

9. Yovani Gallardo – At least he had the decency to go down early in the year. It still hurt watching him grab his knee like he was just put in the Figure Four Leg Lock. ADP, 135 — FPCP, 10.1

8. Ian Snell – He was supposed to be a hidden gem at the end of the draft. Instead, he was the backwash at the end of a draft beer. ADP, 154 — FPCP, 10.3

7. Chien-Ming Wang – If you drafted Wang, his injury was a blow. And that’s the only time it’s upsetting to see “blow” and “Wang” in the same sentence. ADP, 146 — FPCP, 11.2

6. Rich Hill – Right now Rich Hill is reenacting spring training using vegetables, and whenever Sweet Lou Potato tells him he’s going to the minors, he mashes him. Or not! ADP, 113 — FPCP, 12.1

5. John Smoltz – Sadly, this might be the last we see of him. Hey, I just got schmaltzy for Smoltzy. (<–alliteration in lieu of wit) ADP, 82 — FPCP, 13.9

4. Fausto Carmona – When Sabathia stood up from the Indians seesaw, Carmona fell and never recovered. ADP, 106 — FPCP, 15.6

3. Erik Bedard – It could’ve been worse. He could’ve been healthy and terrible. BTW, I picked Bedard to win the AL Cy Young. See Verlander, Justin. ADP, 39 — FPCP, 17.1

2. Aaron Harang – Instead of 184.1 innings of a 4.78 ERA with a 6-17 record, Harang should’ve put a sweaty glass down on my Reggie Jackson rookie card while recording a sex tape with my girlfriend. ADP, 72 — FPCP, 19.5

1. Justin Verlander – 200 innings of suck?! For crimey’s sake, man. Help a brother out — get injured! Take a knee! Something! BTW II, Rudy picked Verlander to win the AL Cy Young. Ladies and gentlemen, your Razzball ‘perts! ADP, 62 — FPCP, 19.7

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BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

And a clown.

Might be underestimating the creepiness factor.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: @BigFathippo: We need to find out from Elias when was the last time a team won the World Series without doing something ludicrous to their hair.

BigFathippo
BigFathippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Maddon said “go get em kid”.

Guess that’s why we’re not a Major League manager.

Go Rays, I’m gettin a Rayhawk tomorrow. And a shaved monkey.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

Wow, Maddon’s leaving Price in? Don’t break the kid.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Bruntlett, if he steals home in this series he’ll have a career like Glenn Brummers.

I actually watched House for the first time this week, loved it. Don’t know what to make of that Lie to Me show. But I like Tim Roth, Pumpkin. Is Hunny Bunny in it?

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: YES!

Five hours before game time. Used to show up at Rams games at 8am. Cook some mean meat and drink some wet beer.

Cooked marinated teriyaki dove wrapped in bacon on the grill one time. The whole parking lot could smell it and came over wanting a taste. I had plenty, we shot 56 the day before. One guy told me it was the greatest thing he ever tasted, course that could have been the beer talking.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Good call, didn’t want anything to do with Utley cause he knew he could get Howard out. Kids a stud horse, put him out to pasture with Big Brown in the offseason.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: Just for you, Grey.

My H2H days are over, remember.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Jim Hickey must have been in Shields ear all day, “don’t give up the long ball”.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@BigFatHippo: @Grey: A great middle reliever with SP eligibility? I like the sound of that!

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Don’t know about that, Howard and Utley hit fastballs, weak on off-speed.

Price should be groomed as a starter, he’s 23 right? Don’t waste him as a closer, that can break a young pitcher. Long relief early in the season would be the best place to put him.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

Shields threw 104 pitches in 5.2. That’s disturbing. That’s Kazmir-like.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Nice subject change, wouldn’t want to piss off Cruisin KC.

Wheeler in, lets hope the Rays pen gets it done. I wanna see Price in this game, think he’ll go against Utley and Howard?

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Here I’ve been eating mine raw all this time, who knew?

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Ha

What’s Brett Myers’ favorite jokes?

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, you done told the bitch twice.

What’s the first thing a lady does when she gets out of the battered women’s shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her.*

*I’m against violence towards women and I don’t approve this message.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: They obviously go for guys who don’t know too much about baseball (Ric Sutcliffe is with him) so as not to confuse us internationals with too much detail.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: You do wonder what’s going through a commentator’s mind sometimes.

Dave O’Brien just crapped on for about a minute or so about Myers’ boxing history – that he was pretty handy as a junior, that his Dad helped train Larry Holmes and Michael Spinks (which, let’s face it, is pretty notable) and that Holmes said that Myers (Brett) could have been a pro.

Did you not hear? The guy beats women…

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Steve: You need to start a movement to give New Zealand a nickname.

Here in the Bootheel they’d call it Down Yonder, or down there past Florida. Anything south of the country is “down there past Florida”.

Flyin Hawiian? He’s from down there past Florida.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: @Steve: Lancelot Chimp? I’d pay to see a Monty Python skit with Sir Lancelot the Chimp.

Shields looks good bee tee dubayoo.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: I was in a bar having a couple of beers in a bar at lunchtime (it’s Friday here!) and was watching. Back to my ‘workspace’ and the big screens by the desk now, though :-)

Do you have that monkey bartender link to hand? To throw a bit of pop culture back at ya – are you familiar with the work of Lancelot Link – Secret Chimp?

As far as ‘Downunder’ goes, we don’t really have our own descriptor, as it were. We just get lumped in with Australia (Razzballers excpeted, obviously).

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Good point, not to mention hotter teams. Marlins in 97 as a wild card comes to mind. Doesn’t seem to factor into this series, we don’t really know who the better team is. Should be a good one.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: Should have said trivial ;-)

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Shaved monkeys taste better, according to Bucky in the comic Get Fuzzy. Don’t know if you read the funny papers but I’m a fanatic.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: There aren’t many things funnier than a monkey doing human-type stuff.
I’m ignoring all the anthropological implications of that statement, obviously.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

Pitching and defense wins championships Boyz.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Grey: Pointless factoid: Utley was 15-1 here to be the first player to go deep (on the field) in the World Series.
Some pretty poor odds-making there…

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: @Steve: If the Rays don’t win this Elias will be reporting the first time in history a Phillie Phanatic shit on a Rayhawk and a pigeon shit on a Rocky statue in the same day.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Los Lonely Boys, don’t know anything about em cept they’re Mexican, they’re country, they’re lonely, and they can sing.

Steve
Steve
13 years ago

@Boyz: Some classic Elias-type stats in the build-up I’m seeing. Apparently it is the first time since ’63 that a team has started four different pitchers. In a series that were under 27 or some shizz.
Elias are also reporting that the Phillies are the first World Series team with a 2B with slicked-back hair who has a predeliction for hookers, to sport blue buttons on their caps.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Wasn’t Byrnes one of your busts? Razzball curse strikes again.

BigFatHippo
BigFatHippo
13 years ago

@Grey: Big Game James gonna step up?

peter
peter
13 years ago

@Grey: Ha – why stop at 30?

Out of curiosity, what do you think of Kelvim Escobar’s bust size? [wocka wocka wocka] He was out all year, but a whole lotta drafting happened before he got hurt.

peter
peter
13 years ago

Snell was bad. Worse? I thought I was going to get a BETTER hidden gem in Tom Gorzelanny.

I was also going to complain about Chris R. Young. BUT, outside of Pujols’ ball hitting him in the face, I guess he did exactly what was expected: a very nice ERA at home – atrocious on the road. Literally, he’s a bigger homeschooler than Wandy Rodriguez.

Oh the humanity!
Oh the humanity!
13 years ago

I actually drafted Bedard, Harang and Cain (rather high!), and traded for Gallardo.

Suffice it to say, my attempt at a pitching-heavy strategy failed catastrophically this season…

Garrett
Garrett
13 years ago

I think Phil Hughes needs a shout out here. He did an incredible job of putting me in a deep hole (usually not a bad thing, but in fantasy baseball a terrible thing) in ERA/WHIP. Maybe I was the only one who drafted him.