If you search for fantasy baseball, the first result is Yahoo Fantasy Baseball. (We’re first for fantasy baseball blog. Natch! Or natchurally, if you’re long-winded.) But this isn’t about Yahoo fantasy baseball. (Is Yahoo always with an exclamation mark? Yahoo has a volume problem, huh?) When people find us, they are not searching for Yahoo fantasy baseball, but what are they searching for when they find us? Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of 2012 fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly what people do search for when they find us. Last year, we had our biggest year. Over 7 million people found us. (I think about 6.9 million found us with the search query “What is SAGNOF?” Neverthehoo…) That’s a big Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us here at Razzball. Now here are 20 actual searches for people who found Razzball and my answers to their searches:
1. Is Jaymes Nix a drunk? — Nope, he just likes to celebrate Laynce and Jayson’s accomplishments with alcohol, hookers and making the Y sign from the YMCA dance.
2. Where can I get a funny fantasy baseball team name? — Your brain? Or you can try our fantasy baseball team name generator or just go with an obscure, overweight player “Ate My Baby.” For instance, Rich Garces Ate My Baby.
3. Hot Bat Injection of Bonnie Franklin for a Rubby — I’m gonna assume this person was a big fan of One Day at a Time and Rubby de la Rosa and just move on.
4. Sick Schnauzer might just be gas? — It’s possible, or maybe your significant other is simply blaming your dog.
5. Did Tommy Lee Jones get 160 on the SATs? — Pfft! He has pockmarks that scored higher.
6. Zodiac Killer’s third nipple — No answer here, but if you’ve stumbled onto evidence that will crack this long-unsolved case, please notify the authorities.
7. Fantasy Baseball on Twitter? — I answer questions in the comments here and don’t do much on our Twitter feed except link to the site, but you can try Eric Karabell’s Twitter feed.
8. Wally Backman really Gordon Shumway? — No, Mookie Wilson is Gordon Shumway; Backman is Willie Tanner.
9. What reality show was Grey Albright on? — I’m not saying, but you can try to piece together clues from my (e)book, Who Is Grey Albright?
10. Watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite! — Sounds like we had a Mythbuster reading Razzball!
11. Need to get naughty bits clean of Sriracha — Try soap and ice water. Also, there’s a reason why the Sriracha bottle has a rooster, not a cock.
12. Razzball’s tag line? — Razzball: Something to read between masturbation sessions.
13. Rumored Suitors is a great album title for? — Jodeci.
14. You got Rick Schroder rolled! — You just did again.
15. How do you pronounce Furbush? — It’s German. Correct pronunciation is Führerhairkraut.
16. When does Charlie Morton make his salt? — Between seasons.
17. What does Cliff Lee’s gym bag look like? — This.
18. What happens to extra money left at a fantasy draft? — It goes to starving children in the Sudan.
19. What the hell is Garrett Atkins up to nowadays? — He’s darning sweaters.
20. How does Grey keep his mustache so full? — That I can’t share with you. Now go spend time with your family! Happy Thanksgiving!