Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated. BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out! And invest in Microsoft! Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers. Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile. Smiles are totally underrated. You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13. I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.
Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday. To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin. Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.
Jason Bourgeois – To the DL. That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right? Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.
Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer. If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.
Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer. At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.
Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla. I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.
Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday. Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sonavabench!
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA. Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.
Roger Bernadina – He’s back! Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door. “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here. I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back. Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together. By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door? It’s missing.” Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day. All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks. Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle. You get nothing, you get a near perfect game. You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.
Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike. He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option. There are not too many options.” It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope. He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers. One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions. Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others. It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”
Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328. Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.
Nelson Cruz – To the DL. Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way. Now he only has three more stints to go.
Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL. Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.
Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games. Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.
Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).
Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248. I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me. Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.
Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187. Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232. The O’s are staying true to their name.
Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400. Cust kayin’.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.
Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers. Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL. Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!
James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65. Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be. And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.
Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle. Gotta love how major league teams conduct business. He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion. What’s he got, Medicare?
Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it. Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.
Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11. Better get back in the DeLorean.
Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP. At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.
Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer. Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.
Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal. Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive. I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times. This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value. This is one game. Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was. Mustache, “You’re welcome.”
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.
Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness. I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.