Snap, snap, claw, claw, save. That’s The Save Vulture Dance. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide. The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Peck, Jim Johnson, peck. Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck. The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury. Goodbye, Brian Wilson. Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt. Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. “How does my manicure look?” “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.” “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?” “No.” Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate. If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now. There’s also quite a few that you can drop. Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas? Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?” Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall? Afraid of success? That’s what your ex-wife would say.
Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.
Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day. I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.
Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!” Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.” “That’s cool, Toddler!” He’d probably hate me. It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).
Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw. To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.
Derrek Lee – Back in the 50’s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk. Any the hoo! He’s hitting, so there’s that.
Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too. Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.
Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend. It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.
Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style. Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.
Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting. Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.
Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury. He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante. Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.
Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.) These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues. As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups. If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.
Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta. In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times. Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr. I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive. I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.
SELL
Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year. We can appreciate that, right?
Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday. Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc. If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him. Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.
Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.
Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo. Or at least it does for me. Stupid permanent ink.
Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me. I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.
