He’s just lucky his name isn’t Kicked-In Nuts Bailey. If you turned a paper into your English prof and named the homer-prone pitcher, Homer Bailey, your prof would say it’s too expository. But the prof might’ve been more forgiving if you hadn’t named the mayor, Billy Gladhand; the police chief, Officer Corruptski and the fro-yo cashier, Barry Tart. It’s almost too ridiculous to be believable what Homer Bailey did yesterday. He gave up two back-to-back homers in two different innings, while also striking out the side. Who are you, Danny Salazar? No, you are not Danny Salazar! You’re supposed to be more reliable! (Oh, and the game was suspended, but you still get all of Bailey’s glorious stats. Lucky you. Or Yu, if Darvish is reading.) If you play in a Benjamin Netanyahu league were xFIP is a category, you’re doing well. Everyone else would like to kill someone. Potentially me since I advocated drafting Bailey. It takes alligator blood to check raise the bettor, but, after he struck out nine in only five innings yesterday (and gave up a shizz load of homers), I’d say now is the time to buy low on Bailey. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change.  For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Matt Moore is a bust,” fantasy expert Cocker Cockleysworth says. “He got lit up in Spring Training and his walks are way up. Great arm, bad command.”

“Now wait a second,” fantasy analyst Roger Dingleberry says. “This is the same Matt Moore who was an All-Star in 2013 and was so close to Cy Young he got himself a peep show. He went 17-4 with a 3.29 ERA and 143 Ks in 150 innings.”

And so the debate raged on all the way up through the 2014 fantasy draft, where owners got the gas face if they drafted Moore too high, while others were quite pleased to have him fall in their laps later than expected. The war of words kicked up a notch. It got heated. Someone got killed with a trident.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Back when Tiger was actually playing in The Masters… Back when he was getting it in all the holes that span the globe before the competition even saw the green… Way back then, the swing perts were gushing about the Stack and Tilt. There was a perverse infatuation with Tiger’s swing and everyone was puttin it on a pedestal. The real (fantasy) playas knew not to put it on a pedestal. But, oh, the irony! Tiger’s swingin brought him to the depths of mediocrity and shame! The golf world tossed aside the Stack and Tilt.

Luckily, rich white dudes’ trash is a fantasy industry worker’s treasure (think $1 bills and mainstream champagne.) The ladies and occasional gentlemen (yes, I use this term “loosely”) of the industry, seamlessly mainstreamed the Stack and Tilt. Of course, the modern day Stack and Tilt uses moves that are far more rhythmic and risqué. What we’re gonna do here is teach you how to acquire some of said $1 bills at DraftKings today by teaching you how to do the Stack and Tilt so you can tear da club up. Let’s twerk it Razzball style!

Now that you got the dance down, don’t forget all the shiny accessories to lead your happy self to glory today. Put your Hittertron on, splash on the Stream-o-nator and brush up on the basics one more time. Remember, you gotta sell yourself. Here’s your pitch:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So far I’ve spent my opening paragraph telling you who to pick up and roll with. It’s been a mixed bag to say the least and by that I mean rose petals with kitty litter clumpings in with it. King Felix did fine on Monday. Thankfully none of you had to experience the Klub upside the head on Tuesday. And right now it’s only the second inning on Tyson Ross and it’s not exactly going great…but hey listen to me I know what I’m talking about! So my lead in isn’t to warn you off of starting Phil Hughes today. That’s a gimme and as much as I need a cheap win, I’m not taking it. Nah, I’m taking this moment to tell you to load up on power hitters in Chi-Town. Though I’ll like Hughes in his home starts here and there in the future, I’m telling you to get some Chicago bop into your lineup as Hughes had a 46.5 FB% last year. If he had pitched all year, that would’ve been second best. Or is that second worst? Yeah, second worst. Don’t believe me? Even the Hitter-Tron is telling ya to buy in as Jose Abreu is the top spot on his dirty little list and is an easy pickup at $3,800. And Adam Dunn is 4th if you wanna get a little cheaper at $3,700. Sadly, you can’t get both into your lineup. No DH Draftkings? What is this, the senior circuit of Daily Fantasy Sports? And just for fun, I decided to peek in and see what the $3,700 priced Hughes looked like on the Stream-O-Nator…yup, he sucks. A ChiSox stack is definitely in play. Ok, now that we’ve established all that, let’s move on…to another link! Don’t forget about our Razzball Draftkings Contest this Friday. Go reserve a spot. It’s a VIP thing (not really). And there will be free drinks in the lobby (it’s really BYOB). Ok now on with the show. Here’s our picks for 4/3/2014 contests for Draftkings 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, I took part in one of those 15-team NFBC drafts that Rudy and all the cool kids were talking about-slash-doing. What a snoozefest! I mean, it was fun, but I fell asleep literally 19 times during it. Granted, it lasted for 19 days, so if I didn’t fall asleep 19 times, I would’ve needed trucker speed, but still. Speaking of which, I have much respect for truckers. They’re driving all day and they have to wear the stupidest hats. Any the hoo! This draft was one part fresh, two parts ‘to def’ and some random Razzballers took part, so maybe we can chat in the comments — I have no friends! We can’t talk about trades, because there are none. There’s also no waivers. This was a 15-team league that went 50 rounds deep. What you draft is what you have. No backsies, no foolsies. Anyway, here’s my 15-team NFBC team and some thoughts:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We got starters for days, literally and Urbandictionaryly. The other day I went over our top 20 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball, then I went over my top 40 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball. Today, the title of the post might’ve gave it away, but for those that skipped it, this is the top 60 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball. You could probably get away with waiting until this post to draft your first starter. To put that in perspective, Medlen is ranked 134 in the top 400 (that I’ll post in a few days). So, in a 12 team league, you could have 11 picks prior to your first starter. That’s, oh, I don’t know, five outfielders, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, corner infidel and middle infidel. I’m not saying to do that, but it’s possible. Basically, you can have your whole offense and still put together a pitching staff. If you don’t believe me, you insult Al Gore who invented the internet as a portal for fantasy baseball advice. All the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are there. As always, I point out where tiers start and stop and my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, how’s everyone holding up without fantasy baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! This weekend I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Giancarlo Stanton for 2014. Then I laughed hysterically for a good twenty minutes until someone asked me to leave. We’ve gone over the final 2013 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. There’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left before we’re into 2014 fantasy baseball. You’re welcome. Well, there are Rudy’s recaps of every fantasy sites projections that are coming eventually; I’m guessing they’ll be posted while I’m on my honeymoon. But I’m not sure, because I’ll be sipping motherf**king daiquiris while contemplating adultery for the first time. I got lust in my heart like Jimmy Carter! (That would be the worst rap lyric of all time.) Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Andrew Cashner stole his second base of the season last night. It was a fine effort. Not a straight steal, but a solid jump that looked like a busted hit and run. Whatever it takes to get the man over, I say. Oh, and he also threw a one hitter, giving up one single to fellow Cougar hunter, Jose Tabata. Sonavabench! Coming into the game, he had a 4.41 road ERA and DAH! Well, you know the rest. Someone mentioned yesterday that Cashner could be someone to watch for 2014 fantasy, so that got me thinking. I think, y’all! His K-rate is way down this year (6.48 K/9) and his xFIP is about that of, say, Lance Lynn, Derek Holland and Dan Haren. I love Cashner in Petco. The thought of him in Petco is like listening to a CD of Bob Ross’s voice while on Demerol. I’d say soothing but I have a hard time with my th- sounds. Those comparable names for xFIP don’t scream someone who’s on the precipice of breaking out, assuming the word precipice is even close to being used correctly here. In fact (Grey’s got another point to make!), Haren, Lynn and Holland are pitching better than him. I’m sure I won’t be totally against Cashner next year, because he does have solid stuff, but his numbers don’t get me as excited as when a barista forgets to charge me for sugar syrup. Seriously, Starbucks? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I did some complaining last week about how the plethora of six-man rotations this time of year dilutes the two-start pool and makes two-start forecasting quite difficult. And while all of that is surely true, it’s also true that at this point of the season is probably the easiest time all year to get your greedy little hands on some quality two-start streamers. If you’re still reading this post midway into September, you’re in the minority. Week 25 is the finals in most H2H formats, the semis just about everywhere else. And if you play in one of the weird no-playoffs H2H leagues, odds are there aren’t more than two teams in serious contention at this juncture. Point is, there just aren’t that many people exploiting the two-start scene anymore. From this point forward, you should be able to snag some usable streamers without much trouble. Of course, if you’ve made it this far, I’d like to think your staff is strong enough to succeed without the help of fringy waiver adds.

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Please, blog, may I have some more?