This week’s slate of two start pitchers reminds me of fire-crotched former hottie and child star Lindsey Lohan. So let’s examine the parallels. No, they don’t have whiney coked up fathers or unstable attention whore mothers who may or may not be as equally coked up. No, they don’t post pictures to their Instagram accounts where they fail miserably at “breaking the internet”. Well, they may do all these things, but not to my knowledge. Then again, my knowledge consists of Fantasy soccer, baseball, and Fernando Tatis MS paint artwork. Oh you are unfamiliar with Tatis’s work? Click here and check her out. Seriously, I have five Tatis’ on my office walls at work. People often ask if those are blown up drawings by my four-year-old son. When I inform them that are in fact cherished works of computer generated art by a former fringe major leaguer, they typically stop extending invitations to lunch, but no matter, I like eating alone. Where were we? Oh yeah! Lindsey Lohan and two-start pitchers! So much like Lindsey Lohan’s career and looks the options start strong, but are very brief and ummmm….well, drop off dramatically. In the first two weeks we’ve been blessed with a plethora of sexy names and strong performers to double up on in our head to head and weekly leagues. This week not so moooch! (Last sentence said with bad Italian accent) I even struggle to rank anyone in the top tier. I love Jake Arrieta and you can make the case that he is matchup proof at this point but it’s two road starts. The first against a good offense and the second against an above average offense at a hitter’s park. I guess he’s sort of like Mean Girls Lindsey. She’s certainly hot and it’s an entertaining flick but A. Do you look like a creep for drooling over a teenager? and B. do you share with your bros that you were watching Mean Girls on TBS for the fourth time? (Shawshank Redemption it is not my friends.) That just means we need to dig a little deeper and appreciate each tier for what it is. Sort of like Lindsey’s wild coked out knife play phase, her lesbian phase, her doing anything for money including nude pictorials phase. We just need to avoid her methed out shell of herself phase. Those ladies and gentleman are your tiers. Good luck may your Li-Lo’s be kind.

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The Diamondbacks decided now is the time to call up Yasmany Tomas! Hold on, exclamation mark, let’s examine. !, “Do we have to? I’m a sucker for excitement.” Tomas was only hitting .190 in Triple-A. !, “Hmm, this isn’t gonna end well.” The Diamondbacks aren’t exactly setting the world on fire. !, “It’s getting better.” But they have been more than fine in the outfield, and he can’t play 3rd base. !, “Oh, that.” With a karate kick and few words, Diamondbacks GM, Dave Stewart, said Tomas would be a bench bat. !, “I’m out of here.” Stewart said he would’ve liked Tomas to stay in Reno longer, but he was already on the 40-man roster, so they called him up. Yasmany said, “Who ate my English Muffins? I wrote my name on them! Hello? Amigos?” Tomas is fine as a flyer in deep leagues in case he catches on, but it doesn’t look like he’s going to get much playing time out of the gate. Assuming he can get through said gate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Folks love a large slate. What folks don’t love is a large slate when the starting pitchers in said slate is a Who’s Who of Who?! Between the poor performers and solid guys in bad matchups, it can be tough to pick even one SP to try and trust in your lineup, much less two.

But there’s still a way to find your way to finding your starters, even if there aren’t obvious plays. First, check your weather for potential advantages to help break ties. Lower temperature games will often give SP an advantage and air pressure (higher) and humidity (lower) can provide edge for those arms in more favorable situations. Then check your Vegas odds to look for the lowest number and which team has the best odds of winning.

For Wednesday’s slate, it looks like Jon Niese has the edge with favorable weather conditions, great park factors at home and Vegas has that game pegged low at seven runs, with the Mets a decent favorite.

Have fun using that process to find who you want to start in a considerably ugly slate.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Welcome back to the most important Razzball Commenter Leagues post you will read all week. Okay, well, it’s the only one, but lets not split hairs. Speaking of splitting hairs, I really need a haircut and a beard trim. I look like a hippy. Which reminds me of a movie I watched the other day after another fantasy related bout of insomnia. Back in the 90’s, we had a lot of good low budget flicks to entertain us while we waited for the internet to get better. PCU was one of my favorites from this genre that still to this day holds up with its commentary on the ridiculousness of higher education, why you shouldn’t get high and go out in public and of course the concept of don’t be that guy. [Jay’s Note: Swingers is better.] Oh the good times we had on couches with cheap pizza and malt liquor. Now, you might be wondering what this movie has to do with the RCL’s and you are right in asking, so I’ll tell you. Nothing, I’m just distracting you because it’s still too early for the master standings. I’m sorry guys and four girl readers. We will have to wait until next week to premier the official standings. Until then, assume you are in first overall if you are in first place in your league. We cool? Alright then let’s move on…

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If you had 75 hours into the season for when Joakim Soria would become the closer in Detroit, you win a brand new car*! *Prizes not included (there’s no car; stop being greedy, you instead get words pieced together by the Fantasy Master Lothario). The Tigers’ pen is more of a pencil and a dull one at that. Where for art thou, Willie Hernandez? My kingdom for Todd Jones! Poopie Grande by any other name is still Poopie Grande. That was Shakespeare, you ignant boo-boo! The Tigers did get better yesterday with Joe Nathan, hitting the DL with a flexor strain in his elbow. Like when you remove that hair from your lip mole, it’s addition by subtraction. For those of you that drafted Soria, well done. Hopefully, he keeps the job all year. If Barry Manilow can find love, anything’s possible. By the by, all this time I thought he put the emphasis on Dee in Mandy. Guess I was wrong. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Marcus Stroman tore his ACL and is out for the year. Remember me?” says the Fantasy Baseball Overlord. Then the opening to Seven Nation Army kicks in and FBO does a little dance. His dance partner isn’t a person, but rather a pitcher’s limb. It’s very disturbing to watch. Oh, my God, he’s taking a picture with the limb with a seven-foot-long selfie stick. Oh, this is just awful. No one over the age of 14 should ever have a selfie stick. Why do you hate such wonderful, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Why?! “I wasn’t loved as a child.” So, Stroman is out for the year and now the Blue Jays have moved one step closer to being the 2014 Texas Rangers. All they need is Edwin to gain 200 pounds and have a boo-boo on his neck. I’m guessing that filling in for Stroman will be Marco Estrada, but I have Aaron Sanchez and Daniel Norris projected in my top 400 and think they both will see some starts and have value. It’s still too early to call on Sanchez vs. Norris, but I’d draft Sanchez first since he’ll either see starts or Brett Cecil will be nodus modus operandi. As for Stroman, well, I’ll make sure to write a 2016 sleeper post for you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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Well, there’s one schmohawk post I don’t have to write, right? Stutterer! Yu Darvish left a game the other day with a tight triceps. That’s what the she-dinosaur said! Huh? Then, this past weekend, it was announced he’s a candidate for Tommy John surgery. Stop sullying the word candidate with your surgery, Tommy John! I wonder if the whole -san suffix for names like Daniel-san gets confusing with Tommy John. Thomson John? Tommy Johnson? Thomson Johnson? It’s no secret that I didn’t like Darvish coming into this year. For my foray into pannin’ Asian, too much risk was attached to his arm for where people were drafting him. His NFBC ADP was 43 prior to this news, so you had to start thinking about him in the 3rd round. No thanks, Yu, I said. Of course, when I told you in my top 40 starters post to avoid him, I was beat up in the comments for losing my way. Yu was the greatest pitcher since sliced bread that had a portrait of Hello Kitty on it! Don’t Yu know, Grey?! Yu can strike out so many something-somethings that you should want to bear his children, then one day shout at him in divorce court, “These are all Yus!” I had Yu in a tier named, “Not touching them with a nine-foot pole that has twelve one-inch straws taped to its end.” One person in the comments on the top 40 starters said, “Phil Hughes ranked above Darvish, I’ve seen everything now.” Then there was someone else arguing for Darvish’s dignity like they fought with Darvish in The Great War. I don’t want to say I told you so, but I’m saying I told you so by saying I don’t want to say I told you so. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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Today, it’s time for the top 60 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball, but, first, let’s jump in the world’s worst time machine and go back to this past Tuesday morning when Rudy released the Steamer Hitter/Pitcher projections along with the fantasy auction values for every conceivable league. If you go to the ESPN 12 team auction values (or any page from the menu on that auction value page), you’ll see little boxes above each column. Go to the POS box and type in SP. Frank Voila! Now it’s just listing pitchers (you can sort for whatever you want in the top boxes). Now click on the $/G box. It should turn black. You are now sorting by the dollars expected to earn per game for starters. If you click on the $K column, you are now sorting by who is expected to rack up the most Ks. So on and so forth. All of my 2015 fantasy baseball rankings are there. As always, my tiers and projections are included. Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball:

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So, here’s all that’s happened since I began the Fantasy Aftermath: Top June Pitchers write up and the July write up. I worked, I tweeted, I played Daily Fantasy Football and made the Fantasy Football playoffs in seven of my eight seasonal leagues, I wrote weeks worth of Daily Fantasy Football for @Jaywrong (he’s such a slave driver), I grew a beard, and I repped Razzball for a Fantasy Baseball mock draft.  Oh and I completed Top April and Top May pitchers prior to that. This is the off-season!?! But more to the point, I don’t remember what the hell we were talking about. Fantasy pitchers from the 2014 year? That’s so 2014! PS, that’s only funny if you’re reading it in 2015. Knowing Grey he’s gonna be a jerk and post this on New Year’s Eve just to kill the humor. So let’s not waste our time being funny, let’s get to the facts. Here’s the top July pitchers from the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…

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It started with a simple email. Hey Grey and Rudy, wouldn’t it be cool if someone wrote about the top pitchers broken down by month? And within those months, to evaluate with and without wins to ascertain who pitched well and gave good value vs. who pitched for a 90 win club and had a 4-0 month? Response was a resounding yes, of course. And of course, it was my own damn fault for having such a good idea because now I’m here giving you offseason content prior to January. Clearly the time that everyone is reading about fantasy baseball. Oh well, let’s get to it. Here’s a look back at April’s pitching to see if it holds any keys going forward to 2015 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?