Fantasy Baseball Advice

Harnessing the pitching brilliance of Native Americans and intergalactic tubbies, Joba Chamberlain appeared to be the savior the Yankee fans, Girardi and Hankenstein needed for their pitching staff. So it was a terrific blow when Joba Chamberlain left yesterday’s game rubbing his shoulder. The only thing worse would be if Joba hurt it in a fight with The Drunken Ghost of Billy Martin. (Fortunately, he’s in a cloud lined with sawdust, boozing it up with Mickey Mantle.) Fantasy baseball owners can’t be thrilled either. Pitcher leaves game rubbing shoulder? Fantasy baseball owner leaves seat walking funny. It’s too bad they can’t trade for Jar Jar on the Braves. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cliff Lee – I figured since I hadn’t watched him in over two months, it was time to jinx him. I was so close in the 2nd when I got him to walk a few and load the bases. Alas, he pitched well in every other inning. Never fear, non-Cliff Lee owners, I will grab him like some friggin’ floating astronaut and drag him back to earth.

C.J. Wilson – Wilson says he’s feeling fatigued, maybe he got mono from a Kotchman open-mouth kiss. Either way, Eddie Guardado should be owned in all leagues because he would step in if C.J. pulls a Prince Valium.

Jason Bartlett – Won’t be able to throw a baseball for a few days, maybe Kotchman kissed his hand.

Kerry Wood – Word out of Wrigleyville is Wood can close again, but he’s going to get a bit of work in the middle innings then move into the closing role by the end of the week.

Gil Meche – Everyone mocked KC for signing him to that ridiculous contract but who’s dancing now.  That’s right.  Good ol’ Gil.  9 Ks in a 6 IP win against the Sox.  10-9 for an awful team – including 9-5 with a 3.27 ERA since May.

Ryan Zimmerman – Zimmerman says he should be able to avoid the DL with his bruised hand, so he can just clog up your bench instead.

Eric Chavez – Shut down for the year.  Maybe they could build a healthy 3B out of the spare parts of Chavez and Blalock?  Those A’s don’t have a long shelf life, do they?  Mulder, Hudson, Chavez, Byrnes… Who’d have thought Harden and Giambi would be the poster children of durability?

Jay Bruce – 3 HRs in 4 games.  That’s the Bruce we know and love.  He obviously idolized Griffey Jr. and was emulating the current version.  Now that he’s out of Cincy, he’s back to emulating the 90′s version.

Bronson Arroyo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  This on the heels of Zito besting Peavy yesterday.  Guess it’s premature for both to retire and start a rock trio with Slow Hand Pete called Baked Zito and the Republic of Bro-Yo, featuring Slow Hand Pete.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 1 ER. Queue the projector.  It’s time for another installment of Out of Contention Run For Cy Young in Toronto. (see Clemens, Hentgen, Halladay…)

Tyler Yates – Third of an inning, 5 ER. This works out to a 135 ERA, 15 WHIP and 1 less closer on all of my teams.

Manny Parra/Prince Fielder – Hit hard by the Reds, hit harder by Fielder in the dugout. I haven’t seen anything this lopsided since Andre took on this guy. “Stop talking about meat and I mean it!”

The Yanks start Joba Chamberlain. The Mets start Pedro Martinez. The Red Sox start top prospect Justin Masterson.

You probably didn’t know any of that because traditional media is obsessed with Radhames Liz’s earning a win in his first Orioles start and Ross Gload’s struggles at winning back the Royals starting 1B position. That’s why we’re here. We like to muckrake.

So Joba was extended to 62 pitches tonight and made it all the way to 2 1/3 innings. He didn’t get hit. He couldn’t throw strikes. 4 BB in 2 1/3 IP. His control has been off all year – close to double last year’s rate. Not sure why the young Yankee pitchers forgot to throw strikes this year. I had better strike zone management playing wiffle ball in my backyard growing up.

Onto Pedro…nothing says “We missed you” like having your first start at San Francisco opposite Barry Zito. The control isn’t there yet for Pedro but his stuff looks solid for Met-era Pedro. Up 9-3 after 5 IP and throwing 90 pitches, it looked to everyone – including the announcers – that Pedro would be done for the night. But Willie was feeling a little grady (get it?) and sent him back out – probably b/c the bullpen was wiped after Oliver Perez’s 1/3 of an inning start the day before. Pedro gave up two straight hits before striking out two of the last three. Pedro’s relying on guile and his curve more than peak-era Pedro but this version could still win 10 games with decent ERA/WHIP/Ks. (BTW, isn’t it fitting that as one of Manny’s favorites goes on the DL, another one comes off? Everything turns out even steven for Manny – he’s like the Dominican Magoo.)

As for Justin Masterson, 6 innings of 6.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP isn’t that exciting but he got the win against your 1st place Rays. With Dice-K on the DL, he’ll likely get another start or two. Depending on the matchup, he could be worth a flier. Based on recent Sox pitching prospect history, there’s an 100% chance Masterson throws a no-hitter in his next couple of starts. On a more tragic note, there’s a 50% chance that he has cancer.

Dan Uggla – Is 2B the new 1B? Uggla hit 2 bombs against Campillo and now only trails fellow second-bagger Utley for the MLB lead. When I look at his underlying stats, I’m surprised at how not surprising they are. Sure, his .300+ average is unsustainable given he has a Howardesque K rate of 30% (that’s 180K in 600 AB!). At that rate, he’s lucky to hit .270 the rest of the way. But he hit 49 doubles and 31 HRs last year. That topped Hanley on both counts (48 and 29). If he fell back to last year’s rate, he’s still got at least 15 more HRs left for this season. In a year where Cano no can do and Weeks is weak, it’s got to be nice being an Uggla owner this year….

Khalil Greene – …but, instead, I have this schmohawk. He also had an incredible number of extra base hits for an infielder last year (44 doubles, 27 HRs) that you could draft in late rounds. But he’s been Razztastic this year. .214 average with only 12 extra base hits (7 doubles, 5 HRs). You know how much it hurts to know that my Razzball SS (Cristian Guzman) is crushing Greene in all statistics?  If I had him in a shallower league, I’d drop him and pick him back up when I saw signs of life. For now, I’m just grinning and bearing it.

Albert Pujols – Left the game in the 4th inning due to calf tightness. Early reports of a hairline fracture were later corrected to a hairline recession.

Aaron Harang – 3.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 74 Ks in 82 IP. In line with all expectations. Well, except he’s 2-8 now after being outdueled tonight by Adam Eaton. I assume most offenses try their best to hit for struggling starting pitchers. The Giants had to be pressing to score a couple touchdowns when Zito started the season on a well-deserved 0-fer streak. But Harang? The Reds offense just hates him. They turn into a deadbell-era offense. Hell, even Jay Bruce pretends to be mortal.

Zack Greinke - 6 IP, 8 ER, 4 HR allowed…Greinkes! He’s still a useful fantasy pitcher but consider him no higher than a 5th starter. Why? The Royals suck and Greinke is just a good pitcher. 4.00 ERA at best. A little better than average Ks. Since I traded him to Grey for a since-dropped Melky Cabrera, Greinke has thrown 45 IP at a 5.40 ERA and 1.36 WHIP. I can’t believe the ESPN experts think he’s going to be more valuable going forward than Billingsley, Maine, Burnett, and Marcum. If you can swap him for any of those guys, do it. Do it now.

Randy Johnson – Now #2 in career Ks. Mullet over for a bit. It’s hard to trump Clemens these days but the Big Surly did it. Solid start by Randy (8 K’s) but he got hit in the 6th and 7th. Arizona should be content if he gives them a solid 6 IP at this point..

Erik Bedard – Another bad start for the best Canadian pitcher in the game. Buy him now as the hockey season is almost over so he’ll stop being distracted. Just make sure Alanis Morissette or Bryan Adams aren’t playing in the same city where he’s pitching.

Straight from Girardi, “The process has started, converting Joba to a starter, and tonight was the first [step] of extending him a little bit and we’ll continue to do it, getting him up to where he can throw enough pitches.” The Yanks stretching out Joba to get him ready to start by pitching 2 innings in a blowout? Sounds like the line of every Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes start. I hear Joba’s also been seen fist pumping in the bullpen building up his exuberance stamina. Personally, I don’t have him on one team, but I can’t wait to see what he can do over 6 innings. And by six innings, I mean maybe 7 innings, but he’s not going to be throwing over 100 pitches until the Yankees lose in the playoffs. So what kind of numbers can we predict for him? I’d give him basically the same line he would’ve had if he stayed in middle relief with a chance for more wins and probably a higher ERA. So 120 IP/8 Wins/4.00 ERA/1.25 WHIP/110 Ks or just think Lincecum last year. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Salomon Torres – Saves vultures, swoop there it is. Wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. Whoomp chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chak a (repeat 4 times) (BTW, I took poetic license by leaving the accent off derriere. I thought DC, the Brain Supreme, would’ve wanted it that way. And, if you’re out there Tag Team, I’m still waiting for the follow-up. Fo’ real!) Salomon Torres was a serviceable closer on the Pirates until overworked by Tracy and then he got All About Eve’d by Capps, but Torres could take the closing job for two months and run with it. What, you don’t like saves?

John Smoltz – He’s due to return within the next week. I’ve already covered this ground, but if you don’t need a closer, you should be moving him prior to him returning.

Jair Jurrjens – I’m going to Curacao to visit Jurrjens’s birthplace and where he learned to throw so magnificently. Who’s with me?!

Ryan Howard – I think he’ll have the most home runs going into the All-Star break. I know, not a huge limb, but what if I said this last week? See what I mean about getting guys when they are seemingly crizzappy?

Jeff Francoeur -  A home run and four RBIs. Again, buy low, sell high. School’s Out, Alice Cooper.

Moises Alou – Left yesterday’s game with a leg cramp then went in the locker room and peed on it.

Dana Eveland – He pitched a 3-hit gem for the A’s against the 1st place Devil Rays. Look out for newly expanded editions of Moneyball for Christmas!

Cody Ross – You think whenever he has to put his last name first he confuses which one is which?

Brandon Webb – Brandon Webb loses in Florida. East coast old people heckle him with, “Suck on a lemon,” West Coast retirees mutter “Fiddlesticks.”

Al Reyes – Speaking of retirees, Troy Percival is feeling tightness in his hamstring.

Johnny Cueto – I’ve been one of the biggest Cueto apologists, so I could sit here and tell you it was windy and the Dodgers scored on a wild pitch, a passed ball, a squeeze and a pickoff that was thrown away, but tonight Cueto didn’t have his control and he looked severely rattled. The resin bag didn’t make you throw the ball away, Cueto. What I did enjoy in this game was Vin Scully. I don’t want to get all mushy here, but when he kicks the bucket, I’m going to be sad. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx him. Keep on, keepin’ on, Scully!

Chris Young – Pujols hit a liner back at him and broke his nose. If Young would’ve ducked, it probably would’ve been a home run.

Jarrod Washburn - He made Rudy’s night with a Razzterful line of 2.1 IP with 9 ER and 12H. That’s a 34.71 ERA and 5.14 WHIP.

Sidney Ponson/Bartolo Colon – Sidney Ponson and Bartolo Colon both won last night. Jake Peavy is on the DL. Jake = 0, Fatman = 2

Alex Rodriguez/Chipper Jones/Milton Bradley – Arod’s hitting home runs, Chipper Jones is leaving because of injuries and Milton Bradley is leaving games because of ejections. All seems right in the baseball world.

Jack Cust – 4 at-bats. 2 home runs. 2 strikeouts. I bet he grew up masturbating to Jim Thome.