Tim Lincecum has a 6.07 ERA. Seriously, we’re in July and Lincecum’s ERA is six point oh seven. There’s ugly. There’s brutal. There’s murderous. There’s the guy with the goiter down the street from you that you talked to at a red light once and now he wants to hang out.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Bobby Jenks
Ryan Madson has to have Tommy John surgery. Luckily, he signed with a Dusty Baker-managed team as the trainers have a lot of experience diagnosing busted arms. Sean Marshall will likely take over the closing gig, spurring indie comedy fans in Cincy to bring Sean Of The Red signs to games. Best case scenario: Marshall goes the whole season with the job, continues to rack up a 9+ K-rate and 40+ saves. Most realistic scenario: Dusty brings Marshall into the ninth inning of a tie game and, as the two teams battle scoreless inning after scoreless inning, Marshall stays in the game for another 16 innings and throws 450 pitches. 125 of those pitches he kicks over the plate Hacky Sack-style because his arm is too tired. Then Masset and Aroldis end up getting 5-7 saves each and Marshall ends the year with 30+ saves and an ERA around 3.50. Most likely scenario involving dolphins: Marshall falls asleep on a raft and wakes in Barbados. With the phone lines down due to a tropical storm, he befriends the local innkeeper, Teronimo, who teaches him how to surf. But Teronimo has a hidden secret — Marshall is really his nephew that his brother asked him to watch over. When Teronimo reveals his secret, there’s a giant rift between Marshall and Teronimo that is only assuaged by the sight of dolphins. No matter the scenario, grab Sean Marshall immediately. You might’ve just lucked into a top tier closer for free. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Drew Storen – Could start the year on the DL. Davey Johnson made that announcement minutes after he said Storen had no structural issues with his elbow, which came a day after he said Storen needed an MRI, which was minutes after Storen said he couldn’t throw, which can mere moments after he was diagnosed with strep throat. Following? Yeah, neither do I. I’m beginning to think some ball clubs need a new HMO. Johnson said Clippard would not see saves, but the team would turn to Henry Rodriguez or Brad Lidge. I’d pick them up in reverse order for saves. When in doubt, go with the guy with experience. And no one has experience blowing leads quite like Lidge. “Nats Fall Off the Lidge” is already written on a Post-It on some copy editor’s desk just waiting to go to press. In one league where our innings max is small and our needs for Ks is tall — she says she likes the ocean — we went with Rodriguez. He averages 98 MPH with his fastball and has a 9+ K-rate. If he can keep his walks in check, he could be this year’s huge middle reliever breakout.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Since our last Closer Look, we’ve had some comings and goings. One coming was Pestano, who last year said Eataly should give out free pizza toppings if you’re wearing Crocs. With Chris Perez going down for 4 to 6 weeks with the ever-mysterious oblique injury, Pestano should see some saves into the beginning of the year. Double negatives aside, I wouldn’t not draft Perez. He should resume the closer job once he returns because the Indians are committed to him, in the same way Courtney Love should be committed. Another coming was Brett Myers, who will take over the Astros closing job. If you grab Myers at a draft, you’re gonna get beat up. Not speaking metaphorically. If you draft Myers, you should be fine for 25ish saves. Another bit of closer news pertains to Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour. The A’s are saying Fuentes and Balfour are both up for the closer job. Balfour is the better option, but clubs don’t always go with the best option. (Actually, the best option would be Faustino De Los Santos, but he’s not going to be the closer right out of the gate.) I’d draft Fuentes and Balfour (and FDLS in very deep leagues, an acronym that sounds like a dyslexic branch of Latter-Day Saints). Finally, Javy Guerra was announced the closer to start the season by Don Mattingly, who lost all common sense once he shaved his mustache, which is not a coincidence. Guerra could be the closer for the whole season while having one of the best middle men behind him, kind of how Marmol used to work that role. Or Guerra could blow three saves in April and Jansen will be the closer by April 20th. I think there’s a 50/50 chance either scenario happens. I’d draft both. If Jansen goes to the bullpen, maybe the free time will allow Kenley an opportunity to think about designing with something other than polka dots and prove she deserved to be a Project Runway All-Star (hey, four girl readers, who loves you?). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning! Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation. You were a melancholy soul. But now you’re happy — yay. It’s still Monday funday! There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures. Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures. Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved. A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back. Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves. But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now. Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be. On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers? Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life? Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me. Thank you.” This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are. He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd. The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.” Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did. In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job. I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go. I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned. It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger. Who’s going to close for the Jays?! Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream. Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day. Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old. I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh? It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz. He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him. Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful. Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy. Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep? Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes. Though I would love a decision on this. Kevin Gregg sucks. Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing. And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts. In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Neftali Feliz is now a starter. Or is he? Emphasis on the ‘or.’ Or is it on the ‘is?’ You’ll never know! Muahahahahaha… Yeah, I don’t think Feliz is going to be a starter. They got to the World Series the way things were, you change that? Ogando or O’Day or Oliver or… What’s with the O names? Here’s a sneak peek of a post title for the first game one of these schmohawks blows a game, “Rangers Say O’Shit.” Any the hoo! Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs. I think Washington gets what he wants, but I suppose anything’s possible. For that reason, I’m dropping Feliz down the closer ranks. The other big loser since the last closer look is Drew Storen. I think he should be the closer, but the Nats are hesitating about calling him the closer. If he secures the job, he’ll move back up the charts. For now, he has some risk. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Aw, sookie. Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season. That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks. I didn’t go over Frank2 signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now. I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
