I was going to lede with Lester the Molester is going to flip the script on the Padres, but I didn’t want the Vatican Policia to flag me. The last thing I need is some little Italian guy going through my trash in the middle of the night. I just had a vision of Grey outside of Giancarlo’s house rummaging through his Salvation Army donation bags looking for his old jock straps. This coming from a guy who tried to get Manny Machado’s birthday bubble gum he tossed at us when Grey proposed a Netflix and chill night. Oh what hijinks we get ourselves into. For the record I wasn’t going to extract the DNA for a Mini Manny Heater, but that’s a hell of an idea, Grey! Now let’s get into the real reason you’re here; Monday Night DK. There’s only 8 games on the docket tonight. I really liked the Dodgers matchups, but unfortunately they had a 9:35 am start time and DK doesn’t even have that game available. A-Gon will probably hit 2 HRs and Kazmir will probably have 15 baserunners and 1 K because I need him to deal in our Scout league. I’m not to thrilled about the offensive matchups tonight as there’s some solid arms taking the bump tonight. The few matchups I do like are through the roof expensive, so I’m going to pay for two top arms and try to jimmy rig the rest, hopefully it comes together. I know we like to pick on the Padres, but after seeing Robby Ray strikeout 13 over 7 innings on Saturday I just can’t pass up on this matchup. Granted, Jon Lester at $12,500 is the most expensive and he’ll probably be highly owned, so it goes without saying he’s not the ideal tourney play. Lester had a couple clunkers going in the All Star break, but he’s been great over his last six starts picking up 4 Ws, 38 Ks to go along with a 2.47 ERA over 36.1 innings. With the Padres offense trailing just Milwaukee for total Ks on the year I’m counting on Lester to hit double digit Ks and he could top 40 points if all goes well tonight.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Twenty-six years after my Lord and Savior, Reggie Jackson, retired from professional baseball to collect cars, full-length fur coats and start a business where you use cocktail franks as cocktail stirrers, I saw a young Mariner by the name of Brad Miller.  To this day, when you Google “Brad Miller sleeper,” you still see archival footage of Grey’s massive excitement — that’s not what she said!  I was jazzed back in 2013 because Miller had hit 20 HRs, stole 11 bases and over .300 between the majors and minors.  Then 2014 and 2015 happened, Miller did nothing, and I retreated into my cubby hole of snack food that I eat out of sight from my Cougar wife.  “I’m snacking on kale, baby doll!”  “Grey, you sound louder than usual.”  I was being amplified due to eating a nacho cheese Bugle.  Finally, this year I was sure not to own Miller anywhere.  So, of course, he breaks out.  Yesterday, Brad Miller went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, 5th homer this week, while hitting .265.  On our 30-day Player Rater, Miller is 5th most valuable for hitters.  The top 4 –> Blackmon, Hamilton, Braun, Betts.  Yeah, pretty good company, like Reggie’s cocktail frank stirrers’ company, The Dog That Stirs The Drink, Inc.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We all know Lefties do things different so I’m going to go off script today and do it like a Lefty. Instead of one featured pitcher I’m pulling a Trifecta and going with Tres Zurdos (or Three Lefties in case you don’t know basic Spanish). First up is my numero uno for the night, Robbie Ray, $9,600 vs the Mets. I don’t typically endorse a pitcher in Coors Jr, but the Mets have been awful vs LHP. Their offense is batting .221 in the month of August and their in the bottom 3 in offensive stats vs LHP. If Ray is smart he’ll avoid Wilmer Flores and Neil Walker to cruise to an easy victory with at least 7 Ks. Drew Smyly, $9,000 vs San Diego is SON’s top pick tonight, so I’m not venturing too far from a sure thing. The human emoticon got roughed up pretty bad for a month straight giving up 25 ER’s over six starts, but after a recent software update he’s turned his frown upside down and has been all smiles since. Over his last four starts he’s had 29 Ks in 25 innings to go along with a 2.52 ERA. The Padres are on the home stretch of a lengthy East Coast road trip, so I’m taking advantage of a weak offensive team who’s ready to pack it in and call it a night. The final Zurdo on my list is a Smyly’s former teammate Matt Moore, $8,800 vs Pittsburgh. Here’s another struggling offense that’s been lost for the first two weeks of August. Their offense prowess is not existent with Starling Marte nursing a back injury, Andrew McCutchen struggling and they’re hitting a paltry .214 in August. He hasn’t made a home start yet, but Moore has been solid since the trade with 14 Ks over 12 innings. His home debut is all set up for dominance, if he can limit the walks and find his command he’ll be one of the top scorers tonight.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Joe Musgrove shut down the mighty Toronto Blue Jays for the second time, going seven strong innings, allowing just six hits, two runs, a walk and striking out seven for his first major league win. He looked dominant. Like Michael Phelps dominates the pool, or Simone Biles dominates her sport, and all sports, for ever and ever. Simone though. Have you ever seen such dominance? Clearly, ESPN has not. Regardless, Joey Joe Joe now sports a sparkling 1.47 ERA, 0.76 WHIP and 21/2 K/BB ratio though 18.1 innings. Did you miss out on Jameson Taillon, Michael Fulmer, Lucas Giolito or Blake Snell? Well frown no-more, my frowny-faced friend, because Joe Musgrove may just be the best performing of the rookie-nookie bunch, and while everyone is off drafting their fantasy football teams, Musgrove is still available in over half of baseball leagues. Who is this Musgrove character, and what makes him a must-own pitcher, you ask? In 16 games in AA and AAA (85.1 IP), Joe was 7-4 with a 2.74 ERA, 1.04 WHIP and 87/10 K/BB rate. Oh yeah. For those of you playing at home, that will help your fantasy team. He also plays for the Houston Astros, a team in dire need of all the help they can get as they make their playoff push. Grey told you told BUY and Joe Musgrove needs to be added in all leagues as soon as you finish reading this…sandwich! Gotcha! Now make like Katie Ledecky and 100m fly to the waiver wire!

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Pittsburgh Pirates have been riding the clutch for the last six years and it seems the damage has been done. Now the clutch is slipping and there might be damage to the flywheel. Some people just don’t realize that it’s much cheaper to replace brake pads than it is to replace your clutch. Especially when your clutch was a first round draft pick.

Since 2011 Andrew McCutchen has been a top ten outfielder in points leagues. From 2012-2015 he was in the top five, scoring 499, 490, 471 and 465 points respectively. The wear and tear on the clutch can be seen in his decline in point production. This season he is on pace for a meager 298 points. Wait, that must be a typo right? Wrong! With 195 points so far McCutchen finds himself right between Yasmany Tomas (197) and Brad Miller (189), both of whom have had about 50 less plate appearances. This means they have both technically been more valuable with better points per plate appearance ratios. Essentially Andrew McCutchen has been useless in 2016. Perhaps even detrimental to your team considering the wasted early round pick. He has had just two weeks in which he scored more than 20 points and is averaging just 11 points per week. Jose Altuve scores 11 points per game! Okay, so that’s not an accurate statement, but has done so several times this season. So have many other hitters. Heck, a grand slam is 9 points with one swting! At this point there’s not really anything you can with McCutchen except put him on your bench. Given his history I would buy low on him, but it would have to be a legit buy low offer.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gerrit Cole‘s start yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78 — wasn’t the most impressive start.  *walks around, shaking people out of their slumber*  Hey, what’s going on, guys and five girl readers?  Was it the opening sentence?  Okay, so Gerrit Cole didn’t look as good as, say, Dylan Bundy over five innings.  Cole looked solid, salt-of-the-earth, lumberjack-shirt-for-a-tablecloth-middle-class-sturdy-as-oak-workman-like for nine innings.  By the way, you know what they call a hyena with lines instead of spots?  Hyphena.  Take it, Highlights, it’s yours.  Do we have to have starters that are all lordy-me-I’m-fainting-with-a-handkerchief-to-my-forehead filled with upside?  Well, I’d like it, and Cole prolly has it somewhere in there.  *knocks on Cole’s chest*  Is a near-9 K/9 in there still?  Hello?  Okay, I think it is, but it’s just not answering now.  Maybe it’s taking a nap from Cole’s less-than-stellar K-rate.  That’s been the story of his season, actually.  Great results for real baseball, but a little lacking on the flash (7.5 K/9).  He’s still throwing hard (95 MPH), maybe he fell asleep while Contact was on late-night TV and woke up deciding to throw to contact.  Not sure, but if I had to bet, I’d bet every day on a 25-year-old who throws 95 returning to his previous flashy Ks while maintaining his excellent ERA results.  But there’s nothing wrong with a lumberjack shirt for a tablecloth.  It’s Murica!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Unless you’re not into that, of course. And if you are, that’s cool, I’m not into it myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…anyhoo, Phillies can be ponies, right? But of course, we know that even with that reference, it still doesn’t work seeing as, well, look at the dang gif, y’all. You know he ain’t talking about equestrians. For those who still haven’t got it, it’s a sexual innuendo, or ‘inyourendo’ if you’re 15 mentally which I am so we’re good! Now that I’ve dated myself very badly, lets get down to dropping that synth-burp bass and talking up Wei-Yin Chen. Feels like we’ve been here plenty this year and the theme has been common and easy to follow. Here’s a quick flowchart:

Phillies Suck

You’re welcome for offering up the Staples button for ya because yes, that was easy. The Phillies have found a new low of late as they’ve even slipped beneath the Braves in wRC+ against southpaws, sitting at a lowly 64. They say it’s lonely at the top, but what’s it like sitting down there on the porcelain throne? Whew…Chen isn’t the safest get for the night based on his own stats on the year and his HR tendencies, but with the opponent at hand, I could see 6 to 7 Ks and it’s just a question of how many bombs he gives up whether that’s worth much. I’ll play him in cash and tourneys alike on such a smedium evening slate. But enough about bad 90s R&B, let’s move on. Here’s my Peyton Manning grooving hot taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run next Monday, July 25th, to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them!  Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post.  Here, enjoy some coffee.  Oops, you just drank rat poison.  Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Chris Archer in the 1st half.  Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison!  Now, I’m following!   Hey, I’m supposed to be leading!  Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2016 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up!  But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest!  So, as with all of the other 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt.  If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman.  Also, things change in fantasy baseball.  Daily.  I could put Bryce Harper number two on the top 100 list for the second half of 2016 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Bryce.  Why soil a good thing, ya know?  This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued.  It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache.  This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today.  So while David Price did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe.  The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2016.  I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do.  It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone.  Welcome to the future!  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2016:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*nervous finger tap*  How many days without baseball?  So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything?  Okay.  *throws computer out window*  What?  Was there another way to close my fantasy team page?  I hadn’t in so long I forgot.  What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball?  But there’s real people out there!  I’m staying right here, thank you very much!  So, we’re headed to the break, but Craig Kimbrel just has a tear, no break. He hit the DL with a medial meniscus tear in his knee.  Oddly enough, a remedial mend-iscus Band-Aid is not used to fix this.  I think you messed up modern medicine, but I’ll reserve judgment.  This will sideline Kimbrel for about four weeks.  In his place will be Koji Uehara.  Koji is famous for his food truck and 41-year-old junk pitches.  The newly-acquired Brad Ziegler, who should put a Z like Zorro on the mound after every strikeout, will back up Uehara, because Ziegler’s kinda bleh (1.40+ WHIP, 6-ish K/9) and Koji’s been in Boston a while.  Since Boston’s colors are red, they should call him Scarlett Uehara.  As for over in Arizona, I agree with Dan Pants in Saturday’s roundup.  The non-Yankee Clippard is the one to own.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Am I the only person who watched Helix and actually liked it? I mean, I never saw it on actual cable but caught up with the two seasons before they were cancelled and thought they were highly enjoyable for what they were. But most of all, it was the use of the music that nabbed me, right from the pilot episode. The intro drop is a great mix of 50s pop sounds mixed with modern synth sounds. It may only be 10 seconds but it really sets you up for the feel of the show. By that I mean they took a Burt Bacharach song sung by Dione Warwick and made it stick in my head and dammit, I’m gonna stick it into your noodle, too. Don’t pervert that last sentence…but more back to why I’m yammering on about Helix was I’m of course referencing said song in my title about Ivan Nova and him facing the Padres. I see zero reason to pitch Nova in this scenario in cash – he is, in fact, not good at pitching – but in a points per dollar sort of way, I like the idea of rolling Ivan out there against a team that owns the second worst wRC+ against right handed pitching on the year, just above the Braves. Throw in the fourth highest K rate against said handedness and there’s potential for 20 points here from a bottom of the barrel pitcher. But now that we’ve established the good, the cheap, and the ugly all at once, let’s cover the rest of the slate. Here’s my love, sweet love hot taeks for this Saturday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 4th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?