Achilles (Tennessee Mash – RCL 25) held on to the lead in the overall standings with 108 points, but things have tightened up. Big Magoo (Matthew Berry is a Tool) moved up a couple of spots to 2nd, just 1 point back. Trini (Psychic Friends Network – RCL 22) holds down 3rd with 105, while Playin’ The Field (Beef SAGNOF!) and Team Birdis (RCL 3) round out the top 5 with 104 points each. Got Heem (RCL 9) made the biggest move this week, gaining 17 points and jumping from 384th to 159th place in the standings. RCL 9 and the ECFBL have the top competitive index of 104.
There was mention this week in RCL 40 of Josh Hamilton or Adam Jones possibly being “steal of the draft.” Number 1 ranked Hamilton had an average draft position of 35.2 while Jones was at 71.8. Then there’s #2 Carlos Beltran (122.4) and #5 Edwin Encarnacion (207.4). How about Lance Lynn, who was drafted in just 6 leagues and is now ranked #7? According to the Razzball Player Rater, Hamilton has gained over $44 in value, and is now worth $24 more than anyone else. Lynn has gained over $33, followed by Beltran ($32.4) and undrafted Fernando Rodney ($30.3). Since Lynn and Rodney were valued at $1 in the preseason, that probably makes them the top pick and pickup, respectively, so far.
Expert League: Mastersball Carey (Ryan Carey) bounced back and retook first place from RotoWire Del Don. Meanwhile Rudy and Grey went in opposite directions. Even Grey’s pitching let him down this week, finishing with just 1 win and ratios of 4.25 and 1.30. On the other hand, Rudy’s team moved up to 3rd place with 84 points and just missed earning top pitching honors, collecting 7 wins and 8 saves, with an ERA of 1.86 and 0.97 WHIP.
Trades: After last week’s 19 trades, the wheeler-dealers rested. Just 6 exchanges involving 18 players this week, highlighted by Uncle Robbies Daffiness Boys dumping the slumping Howie Kendrick in the ECFBL for the excitement of Eric Hosmer! In Ones are GOOD, right?, the Amazing Ocelots traded Felix Hernandez and Mike Adams to NYC Matthole for Brandon Morrow and Jake Peavy. Krispie Young and Yu Darvish were also among the players changing teams. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”
Weekly Leaders
Fastballs At Ridgemont High (Schmohawk in Training) was the top hitting team this week. They hit .298 with 18 home runs and 59 RBI, 55 runs, and 14 steals.JonathanLucroy (.375/8 RBI/2 SB), Ryan Braun (.444/7 RBI/3 SB), Mike Trout (.444/2 HR/4 SB), and Ian Desmond (.344/2 HR/6 RBI/2 SB) all provided speed and power.
Average: .329 (Afghani Buzkashi – Fausto or Roberto?) Runs: 61 (Thunder Muscle – Fantasy Master Lotharios) HR: 18 (Fastballs At Ridgemont High, Big Magoo, Votto-erotic Asphyxiation, We’ve got the runs, Barking Basset Hounds, Coach McGuirk, Juicin Aint EZ- The A-Rod Story) RBI: 59 (Sclerotic Whips – Yu Ain’t Goldschmidt, Fastballs At Ridgemont High) SB: 20 (Super Tecmo Magic Rabbits – Myrtle’s Acres)
Urine Sample (RCL 44) took pitching honors with an ERA of 3.39 and 1.17 WHIP with 80 Ks, 6 wins, and 13 saves. Jim Johnson (4 Saves/2.25/1.00), J.J. Putz (3 Saves/0.00/1.25), and Alfredo Aceves (2 Saves/0.00/1.07) led their relief corps, while Yovani Gallardo and Gio Gonzalez anchored the starting rotation.
Ks: 99 (Dueling Beaver Traps – RCL 44) Wins: 9 (Rank Railheads – RCL #40) Saves: 13 (Pliny the Elder – Myrtle’s Acres, NYC Matthole – Ones are GOOD right?, Urine Sample – RCL 44) ERA: 0.95 (Worldwide Suicide – Ones are GOOD right?) WHIP: 0.89 (Worldwide Suicide – Ones are GOOD right?)
TEAM OF THE WEEK – May 14 – 20
Rank Railheads (RCL #40)
101/333 (.303)
50 R/17 HR/52 RBI/9 SB
108.2 IP
84 K/9 W/2.98/1.25/4 S
Andrew McCutchen and Martin Prado paced the Railheads’ offense this week. McCutchen hit 4 home runs and drove in 7, scored 6, and stole a base. Prado added a homer while hitting .519. Buster Posey (.381/5 RBI) and Carlos Ruiz (.476/6 Runs/1 HR/7 RBI/2 SB) made carrying 2 catchers seem like a good idea. Josh Reddick had only 4 hits, but 3 were dingers. 9 different pitchers picked up wins, with Ervin Santana putting up the best numbers: 15 strikeouts/1.32 ERA/1.10 WHIP. David Price (Win/13 K), Jason Motte (1 Win/1 Save), and Joel Hanrahan (3 Saves) were also key contributors.
In the preseason, I said Adam Lind could contend for the MVP. Wow. It’s almost like Matthew Berry put that thought in my head. In a litany of dopey things I’ve said, that might take the cake, frost it and smush it into my face. The Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice), the Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice)… Hi-ho, the marry-o… What was I thinking?! In my defense, he didn’t have an ailing back when I said that flimflammery and I told you to drop him outright a few weeks ago. Oh, well, that’s what you get sometimes from crazy predictions. Just flat-out crazy. Like I should be walking into traffic in a burlap sack crazy. So the Jays added a third A to Lind’s first name, sending him to the minors. Since he was hitting like an infant, it makes sense. In his place, the Jays called up Yan Gomes. What’s with people and the last name Gomes unable to spell John? Yanny was hitting .359 with 5 dingers in Triple-A. Whatever, right? Well, he’s a catcher, so those are like MVP (dah!) numbers. In AL-Only leagues, I could see grabbing him. Right now, he’s behind J.P., Mathis, Lawrie and Encarnacion, but Lawrie’s got a suspension and Edwin just made an error and the Jays game doesn’t even start for 12 hours, so Yanny could see time all over the field. Yesterday, he played third and went 2-for-3. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Lawrie – Unable to decide on the shadow coat rack or just bad calls, he dropped his appeal. He is also practicing counting to ten before blowing his top. As soon as he figures out what comes after 6 it should be a breeze.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I think he leads my RCL team in homers. Now I will cry.
Mat Latos – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks which equals a pretty mediocre start in Metco. This was his chance to string three quality starts together. At best, that chance only comes around once every three starts!
Lucas Duda – I didn’t mention it yesterday when he had a 3-for-4 day because I wasn’t sure if it would be a 3-for-4 day followed by a 1-for-4 day or a 3-for-4 day followed by a 3-for-4 day or a 2-for-5 day. It turns out that 3-for-4 day became a 2-for-5 day and now he looks like he’s a hot schmotato again. And, sorry, I think my 3-for-4 day record is scratched; it keeps repeating.
Ike Davis – 0-for-2 to lower his average to .164. He’ll be fine. He has his family’s support. You know who I really worry about? That poor soul who drafted Hosmer and Ike Davis.
David Wright – 2-for-2 with his 4th steal. I pledged a nickel to Jerry Lewis’s Kids for every time I mention Wright. We’re up to fifteen cents.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer and 3rd in the last 4 games, and hitting .381 in the last week. As we know, Viciedo is Latin for I Swing Therefore I Am, and he’s living up to that. In 118 ABs, he has 32 Ks and 3 walks, but if he’s swinging a hot bat, what do you care?
Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as the White Sox let him throw 102 pitches. Could someone help the White Sox tie their shoes because they’re wearing kid gloves?
Josh Reddick – 2-for-5 with his 10th homer. I wouldn’t use Reddick’s towel to dry my hands, but I’m sure enjoying him on our teams.
Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Far from a beautiful outing vs. the Melky-led Giants. “Yo, Giants fans, you got Melky in your three hole. Y’all is spoiled!” That’s a Padres fan talking. If you heard this week’s podcast, Rudy and I discussed Wainwright with some favorable mentions and whatnot.
Allen Craig – Out for a few days with a tight hammy. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit the DL. Poor guy, can’t have nothing nice with his health around. It’s like Chipper Jones is his mentor. “Now, when you get out of bed, you’re gonna feel your quad tighten up. That’s totally natural.”
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he got the start in right field with Berkman back in the lineup. He should continue to see starts with Craig pulling a Craig. I’m also convinced that the Cards could put anyone in their lineup and they’d hit.
Charlie Culberson – The Charlie Culberson Era has officially begun! That’s almost as electrifying as TBS’s George Lopez Era. Charlie Culberson sounds like he has grit and other intangibles, but for s’s and g’s let’s see what tangibles he has. This year in Triple-A, he hit 5 homers with a steal. The year before in Double-A, 10 homers, 14 steals. His glove’s a bit sloppy, i.e., Charlie Culberson makes fielding grounders cumbersome (say that fast 117 times!). Sounds nice for fantasy, right? Yeah, he might also hit .210. Charlie Culberson not only has a name that only sounds right if you say the whole thing, but he also hasn’t seen too many pitches he doesn’t like. In NL-Only leagues, you can find worse — like the other schmohawks the Giants were playing at 2nd. In mixed leagues, let’s see how ol’ Charlie Culberson plays out.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Don’t sleep on Morneau! Seriously, because if you guys knock heads while laying on top of him, you may seriously hurt him. If you really need a corner infidel, I’d go ahead and grab him. Of ghrabi him, if you like things spelled to look like they’re in the Middle East.
Matt Capps – Perfect inning to notch his 8th save. I’m totally jinxing him by even talking about him, but I remember distinctly during our RCL draft (after ending up with Cano instead of Votto!), Rudy saying to me how Storen and Valverde were the solid closers that I drafted, but how I’m gonna regret Capps. This year more than most, it just proves SAGNOF! Draft three closers, pray they work out and don’t overpay for them.
Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4 with a steal (hitting .370) while Pujols hit his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games. It only took Scioscia 39 games to figure out a lineup! Don’t worry, it’ll take the Sciosciapath only a day to forget. Oh, and good luck on buying low on Pujols now. Oh, Part II: The Return Of Oh: This Pujols turnaround all started with the firing of the hitting coach.
C.J. Wilson – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks. Fire the pitching coach!
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 jacks. Don’t you despise people who call homers jacks? It’s not as bad as people who use the word uber, but it’s not far off.
Ryan Roberts – 3-for-5 yesterday, and, since his Creeper of the Week post on Monday, he’s 7-for-18 with a steal and two new tats.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer to raise his average to .224. If you had thoughts of buying low, time could be slipping, slipping, slipping into the frontal suture. Damn you, Autocorrect!
Trevor Bauer – Was promoted from Double-A to Triple-A yesterday as he slowly makes his way to the majors. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Bob Sugar read it and gave me a thumbs up.
Orlando Hudson – Was released by the Padres. You know who’s ears are perking up? Brian Sabean. He likes his meat aged, jerky! I wish Orlando Hudson the best; I always loved his mom, Florida Evans.
Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a steal. He’s doing better than my Utility man in the RCL. It’s sad, because it’s true.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. That’s his first homer since April 27th. That’s a long delay on the snooze button.
Brandon Beachy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.33. Pretttay, pretttay good. He could be a top ten starter this year, and that guy that has an ERA around 2.50 in September. With Beachy, it’s no shore thing, but ride the wave.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was beat by a Barajas homer. Or as J-Z would say B*****s.
Dee Gordon – 0-for-3, lowering his average to .207. If he doesn’t turn it around, we’re about ten days away from him being demoted.
James McDonald – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Five and two-thirds and only 5 baserunners with 11 Ks but 3 earned? That doesn’t even seem possible. Raw deal, J-Mac. A’ight, real talk, guys and 4 girls, McDonald used to be a top prospect. It was a while ago now, but maybe he’s putting his shizz on lock. You feel me? Okay, you’re just touching the computer screen; you’re not actually feeling me. McDonald has around a 8 K/9, a strong FIP (2.88), and his walks are in check. If Mickey D’s is out there, I’d absolutely grab him.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. He’s going for the record of most homers with the least amount of RBIs. The Pirates are doing all they can to support that record-setting goal.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Red Sox. I’m sure this was a bit of a sonavabench for a bunch of you, but I’d much rather have a struggling starter do well on my bench than continue to stink up the joint.
Ricky Nolasco – 4 IP, 4 ER. Aw, how sad, he was Rudy’s streamboat in the RCL. Oh, wait, he benched him. Sonavawishhewasn’tbenched!
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal. I asked Rudy the other day if he thought Altuve should start being dropped in 12 team leagues. His words were something like, “He’s a .300 hitter with 25 steal speed at the top of a lineup, what do people want from an MI?”
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks and took the loss as he ran into the hot-hitting Twins. I’m not completely joking either. They actually have scored some runs of late. Though, Mauer, who’s hitting .265, sure hasn’t been involved.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer. You think he gets this a lot, “Where’s the beef, Welington?” Probably not. I’m not going to say he’s a better option than Geovany Soto. That’s obvious. Soto has a bad case of can’t-hit-to-save-his-life-itis and a sore knee. Welington had 15 homers last year in Triple-A. Right now, he’s just for two catcher leagues, but I could see him stealing more time from Soto even when the latter gets healthy.
Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .176 as the Guido played over Hosmer. Sadly, it makes sense.
Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. That sounds like a tailor-made matchup for some fingercuffing that didn’t work out great for either finger.
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-5 with a steal. Hey, his cleats arrived from Japan!
Brandon League – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. And on the fourth day, God said only Fernando Rodney and Jim Johnson can close with ERAs under 3.
Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-6 to lower his average to .278. Doode got old fast, right? It’s my Morita Law of Asian Ages. Pat Morita was young and spry on Happy Days, then five years later as Mr. Miyagi he looked ancient.
Hector Noesi – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.61. On a side note, I wonder if Carlos Beltran would pay for Jon Niese to have his last name changed to Noesi.
Achilles (Tennessee Mash – RCL 25) had another good week and increased their lead in the overall standings. Josh Hamilton, Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Ted Lilly, and Brandon Morrow were the key performers for the top team. Their relievers were also strong, allowing just 4 runs in 18 innings of work. Trini’s team (also with Hamilton), Psychic Friends Network (RCL 22), took over 2nd spot while Navseal 7 (RCL 9) slipped to third. RCL 9 continued to hold the title of “Toughest League,” but perennial contenders ECFBL and Schmohawk in Training are right on their heels.
Washington’s Stache (Toads and Wet Rocks) gained 25 points and jumped from 464th to 136th place in the standings. Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge) also improved by 25 points, and moved into the top 20 from 257th.
Grey mentioned this week that RCL teams should be able to keep their ERA under 3.50. Right now, only 43% of teams are managing that. A couple wise commenters opined that all the relievers blowing up was making it difficult. It is tough to separate the RP stats to study, but they do seem to be frequently ruining ratios.
Expert League: RotoWire Del Don (Dalton Del Don) took over the lead after a week where he jumped from 70 to 90 points on the strength of solid pitching. He recorded 5 wins and 7 saves with ratios of 1.82 and 1.05, along with 80 strikeouts. Rudy and Grey each lost a few points this week, and sit in 5th and 6th respectively.
Trades: There were 19 trades this week, bringing the total for the year to 98. Albert Pujols was traded a twice – both times by Al Koholic. In the ECFBL, last-place Al gambled on Ryan Howard and Bryce Harper, trading Albert and Ernesto Frieri to first-place The Fredsies for the pair plus Rafael Dolis. In RCL Original Recipe, he sent Pujols and Grant Balfour to Popeye’s n Beer Recipe4disaster for Jay Bruce and David Freese. With Pujols continuing to struggle and Balfour losing the closer job, so far it looks like Al came out ahead in this one. Tim Lincecum and Nelson Cruz were also dealt twice, including in RCL 38 where they were traded for each other. In Cracking The WHIP, the Dukes of Flatbush traded Alex Rios and Matt Cain to eye-talian backstop for Cruz and Bryce Harper. Team Beardown sent Lincecum and Anibal Sanchez to Bushwood Varmint Cong for Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto, and Edward Mujica in Epic Beardmen Division. In a somewhat questionable deal in Cust Kayin’, Pimpin Nipples gave up Troy Tulowitzki and Jordan Walden to acquire Jason Kipnis and Rafael Betancourt. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”
Weekly Leaders
Norce Force was the top hitting team this week. They hit .339 with 27 home runs and 70 RBI, 60 runs, and 10 steals.Not surprisingly, they own Josh Hamilton (.467/10 Runs/9 HR/18 RBI). Carlos Beltran (.360/6 HR/13 RBI), Joey Votto (.429/3 HR/8 RBI), and Andrew McCutchen (.524/3 HR/1 SB) also provided big numbers.
Washington’s Stache set the pace on the mound with an ERA of 2.35 and 1.20 WHIP with 83 Ks, 9 wins, and 3 saves. Their lineup featured Edinson Volquez (2 Wins/10 K), Derek Holland (Win/0.00/1.00), Jordan Zimmermann (Win/ 9 K) and Brandon Morrow (Win/10 K).
Ks: 86 (Kemp Keep Me Down – Yu Ain’t Goldschmidt) Wins: 9 (Washington’s Stache – Toads and Wet Rocks, All about The WHIP – RCL 43) Saves: 10 (Tennessee Jed – Robust Herd, Pliny the Elder – Myrtle’s Acres) ERA: 1.07 (Bang Biscuit – RCL 41) WHIP: 0.92 (Big Cuntry – Ones are GOOD right?, The AmishGangster – Epic Beardmen Division)
TEAM OF THE WEEK – May 7 – 13
Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
100/295 (.339)
60 R/27 HR/70 RBI/10 SB
72.2 IP
60K/3 W/2.48/1.03/3 S
As mentioned above, Norce Force led the RCL in hitting, and their pitching was solid, lacking only in wins. Brandon Morrow (10 K) and Derek Holland (0.00/1.00) did pick up wins, while A.J. Burnett had 14 strikeouts in 2 starts with an ERA of 2.25 and WHIP of 0.81.
I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe. “There’s a storm a comin’! Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?” “No, Gissley! It wants our closers!” “But I only have Juan Cruz! And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man” “It doughs’cent matter!” Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be. I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker. If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him. The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’ You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick. At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network. If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now. You’re pitching with a torn tendon. I repeat, you have a torn tendon. So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today. Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations. I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know? I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’ If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately. If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside. To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish. It only sounded like it.
Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty). I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded. Good co-jo’s.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce. (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too. That one hurts worse. Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking. Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)
Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future. Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea? Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture? “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.” Eh, maybe it’s me. Any the hoo! Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer. I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth. WAPU! (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self: Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song? So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved? I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50. Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400. What’s your craptcher doing?
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking). It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.
Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks. He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer. Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70. This year, it’s 1.80/7.20. Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313. Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful): 1. Braun — Fine. 2. Miggy — Fine. 3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful. 4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power. 5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.
Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP. Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball? The 1971 O’s? The 1920 White Sox? The 1889 Spiders?
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12. He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game. Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo. Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist. Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him? So bonkers. Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves? “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”
Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball: All Saves, All the Time. Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save. Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan. You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!
Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List. We may never see him again in the under four epoch. Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off. I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.
Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did? Do you really need to ask? Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya. He blew the save. It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.
Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues. His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next. Yes, please and thank you.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer. Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat. Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.
Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A. Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.
Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.
Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms. Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up. Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.
Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday. Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend. In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.
Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer. All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL. Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday. Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him. Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00. It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games. Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.
Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday. I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done. Bunyan’s still got some lumber. Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays. Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average. It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick. And something will stink.
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks. On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89. It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy. Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.
Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June. I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. Or 4 homers in the last week. Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL. Things that make you go hmm…
Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand. The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today. Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.
Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns. Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Marginer!
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.
Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save. It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps. Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”
“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday. The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer. Downs goes Frieri! Downs goes Frieri! Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.
Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer. So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday. Plausible explanation: He wanted his best reliever in a close game. Also, plausible: Sale is not the closer. Also, plausible: After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game. Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning. He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale. It’s basically a closerf**k.
Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game. You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real? He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner. I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.
Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion. Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions. Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?
Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday. One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten. Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos. “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!” That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.
Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins? This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined. I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart. So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death. She had sass, but not that much, I guess.
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year. And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190. This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.
David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt. I’d put his over/under for saves at 32. Over/under for Ks at 110. And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers. Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers. And being 40-something. That’ll hurt those numbers too.
Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday. He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up. Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?” No, Bernie. Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.
Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start. Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest. But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation. He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate. Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He obviously should be owned everywhere. His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.
Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday. Dah! Just when Stanton finally passed him.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01. Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?
Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.
Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two. This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield. They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.
Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.
Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist. Sounds itchy!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs. Beltran is The Great Zombino!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.
Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back. But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?! I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues. He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him. I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order. (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)
Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him. It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil: The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter. We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team. By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.
Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run. Right back at, huh, Ryan?
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay. Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing. You know what he’s doing, right? Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.” BAM, awful outing! “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.” BOOM, good outing! He’s totally messing with you.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer. The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.
Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Move your small children and closers away from the windows! The Closepocalypse is coming through! Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up. Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week. Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80. I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow. Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244. Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246. Member when Markakis was really good? Makes you nostalgikis.
Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella. My pharmacist’s name is Patella. I don’t think they’re related.
Casey Blake – Retired yesterday. In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.
