Fantasy Baseball Advice

I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks.  So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks.  I didn’t say your face cheeks.  Hey now!  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Alex Presley – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball post.  This tier goes from here until Mitch Moreland.  I called this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I already went over my Alex Presley fantasy.  I wrote it while suing Supercuts for giving me simply a “great cut.”  2012 Projections:  80/10/60/.270/20

62. Mike Carp -  I sorta mentioned this in the top 60 outfielder post, but a big problem we’re having right now is there are some real interesting upside gambles on some really terrible teams.  Can someone pull a fast one and switch Carp with Trout?  For the job, I propose Tim Salmon.  Most of the schmohawks in this tier look like they Revere, Ben.  At least with Carp, he’s giving you power, though, maybe nothing else.  2012 Projections:  55/21/70/.260/3

63. Chris Heisey – I like Chris Heisey a lot lot.  Maybe too much, since he plays for Dusty Baker who insists on putting the horns to at least one young player.  Heisey is either a righty who can’t hit lefties or a righty who hasn’t been given a fair shake to hit lefties.  I think it’s the former, but if it’s the latter then you could have a nice get with Heisey.  With his K-rates, there’s a very real chance he hits .240, but he could also hit 20 homers and steal 15 bases.  There’s also the whole Ryan Ludwick issue.  But Baker wouldn’t really play him over Heisey, would he?  Um, well, it’s a late flyer.  2012 Projections:  50/17/65/.250/10

64. Dayan Viciedo – Having a hard time seeing past his K-rate and his lack of major league experience, but know someone who isn’t having a hard time with those things?  Bill James.  His projections for Viciedo are 21/3/.275.  Viciedo had a .186 average vs. righties last year, but, as I tell girlfriends, that’s just a small sample size.  He has destroyed minor league pitching and he’s only a Latin 22.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.260/3

65. Michael Brantley – Some crazy speed in the minors, but almost 500 plate appearances last year translated to the majors about as well as French comedy translates here.  He’s like the American League version of Dexter Fowler (or the outfield’s Alcides Escobar, if that works better for you).  Brantley stole 46 bases in Triple-A in 2009.  Don’t make me hire Davey Lopes to coach you.  Just run.  2012 Projections:  60/6/50/.275/20

66. Josh Reddick – I already went over my Josh Reddick fantasy when he was traded. I did it like this, I did it like that. I did it with a Wiffle ball bat. 2012 Projections: 75/15/85/.260/10

67. Jon Jay – There’s been some speculation that The Federalist may not be the starting center fielder for the Cardinals.  La Russa’s Feathered Hair, “Hey, you don’t have me to kick around anymore!  That’s on Matheny.”  Until Allen Craig returns from surgery, Jon Jay should book that job, so there’s no reason to ask, why do the righteous suffer?  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.280/10

68. Alejandro De Aza – Last year in Triple-A, he had 9 homers, 22 steals and hit .322 in 99 games.  He was also 27 years old.  Sounds Quad-A-ey (which is not a legal word for Words With Friends; I’ve tried).  But, in only 171 plate appearances in the major leagues, he had 4 homers and 12 steals.  That’s 12/30 over the course of a full season.  Too bad they outlawed full seasons after Ripken retired.   Could give De Aza a shot in March and when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!  2012 Projections:  60/7/30/.270/20

69. John Mayberry – Last year, at the age of 27, he finally saw significant time in the major leagues.  He also kept his K-rate fairly manageable.  Maybe he was learning to walk again.  Damn, that Foo Fighters song is annoyingly catchy.  If Clarence were to show Ryan Howard what life would’ve been like without him, John Mayberry may have had a career.  While Ryan Howard is learning to walk again — ugh, so catchy — Mayberry should be starting somewhere.  2012 Projections:  40/18/55/.250/10 in 400 ABs.

70. Jordan Schafer – I almost avoided putting any Astros hitters into any favorable ranking tiers.  Oh, well.  Here’s one, and even if you’re drafting purely on Zimmermania, Jordan Schafer is barely registering above yawnstipating.  Person who just stumbled on Razzball, “Zimmermania?  Yawnstipating?  What is this mustachioed fool talking about?”  Schafer isn’t much more than SAGNOF (Again, huh?!) but he hit as many as 10 homers in Double-A one year so maybe he can do something without the pressure of the pennant race.  (Astros fan, “Oh, just wait until 2028 for us to come on!  Assuming all other major leagues team fall to the Plague of 2027.”)  Dang, two Astros zings in one post.  Hey, one zing for each of their fans.  2012 Projections:  75/5/35/.245/25

71. Mitch Moreland – Was surprised to see he didn’t make my top 20 1st basemen post.  Not sure what I was thinking.  And if I don’t know, who’s gonna?  What I might’ve been thinking was he’s already light on power and this offseason he had wrist surgery, which is not a recipe for more power as the Barefoot Contessa would tell you.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.275/3

72. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Span.   I call this tier, “It’s hard for me to tell you to draft these guys, because, if things work out as planned, I won’t.  But one of them might be more valuable than I’m ranking them, and, if you know which one, you’re a witch and that scares me.”  You know what’s weird?  Pagan and Torres seem to always be linked in the rankings.  You’re like, “They’re the same person!”  But they were traded for each other.  How do you figure that?  Weird, right?  Yeah, I’m smart.  2012 Projections:  75/6/40/.280/27

73. Andres Torres – I could tell you to just look 1/8th of an inch above, but that’s lazy talk!  *thinking*  Actually, just look above.  Thanks!  2012 Projections:  70/5/40/.265/24

74. Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare will finally get to start without having to look over his shoulder.  And it’s now in Oakland, which is yet another pitchers’ park that ends in “co.”   Thit!  2012 Projections:  55/15/70/.275/10

75. Martin Prado – Went over Prado’s projections in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

76. Josh Willingham – I can hear someone giving me guff for putting The Other White Meat this low in the rankings, but really he’s the first guy you drop when you want to pick up a hot hitter.  Admit it at least to yourself.  Willingham is the same as every other hot schmotato Luke Scott-Ty Wigginton clone that gets hot for a few weeks.  2012 Projections:  65/22/80/.250/3

77. Jason Kubel – I fought with myself over whether to put Kubel or Willingham first in these rankings.  Finally, I flipped my Morneau voodoo doll and it came up heads, which either meant Willingham should be ranked first or another year of Morneau head trauma.  I’ll let you decide.  2012 Projections:  60/20/75/.260

78. Ben Revere – Span and Revere seem like another two guys that are forever linked.  You say, “Same player!  Move on!”  But how do you explain that they play on the same team?  Still weird!  2012 Projections:  70/1/35/.280/30

79. Denard Span – Again, if I were going to be lazy– Eh, just look above.  2012 Projections:  65/4/55/.280/25

80. Carlos Lee – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “In less than 7 years, these guys will receive just over 5% of the Hall of Fame vote and barely stay on the ballot for one more year.”  Hey, do the Astros a favor, Chuck Lee, and shut em’ down.  2012 Projections:  60/20/80/.265/3

80 1/8. Grady Sizemore – Sizemore is only 29 years old and only three years removed from a 33/38 season.  But, oh, what a three year span that was.  He took naked photos of himself and his career took the exact inverse (inter)course of Kim Kardashian’s.  Turned out Tom Sizemore wasn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem and Grady is starting to show the wear and tear of an 80-year-old man like his first name makes him sound.  With a 28.8% K-rate and 4 steals in the last two years, there’s really no reason to believe in Sizemore, but if you want to believe in miracles.  2012 Projections:  75/17/60/.245/5

80 1/4. Jason Bay – Member the days when Jason Bay was good?  We wore our hair longer then.  Well, you had hair.  We had some laughs!  Crazy times!  2012 Projections:  60/20/65/.250/8

80 what/fraction-is-this? Aubrey Huff – For almost his entire career, he’s alternated between good years and bad years.  If you think that’s a reason why he’s going to be good in 2012, I’ll tell you it’s hooey.  Grey, “It’s hooey.”  See?  2012 Projections:  50/18/65/.255/3

80 1/2. Alfonso Soriano – About three years ago, Soriano turned 47 years old and he just hasn’t looked the same.  “Get outta here you little brats, grandpa’s gotta go limp around the outfield!  Geez, Vlad’s got it so easy with the DH.”  That’s Alfonso in the dugout babysitting Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto.  2012 Projections: 45/18/60/.240/3

80 3/4. Bobby Abreu – He shouldn’t even be ranked.  He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.*  (*That’s my saying, but use it so it catches on.  Your mother at dinner, “What do you think of that Ashton Kutcher?”  You, “He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.”  See?  It’s easy to use.)  2012 Projections:  60/10/65/.250/15

Matt Joyce a sell?  Now I will bite my lip and try not to sob.  Quiet, gentle sobs that Joyce used to assuage.  Joyce and I had something together that no one else can understand.  Well, maybe some of you that also own him can understand it, but the rest of you never will.  We shared moments that can only be explained by watching an Ecuadorian couple that has been married for 60 years sharing a mango on a park bench.  That’s what we had!  Picture, if you will, a giant mustache wrapped like a shawl around Matt Joyce’s shoulders.  We were that inseparable for about six weeks.  I own Joyce all over the place and he’s about the only hitter I have playing over his head.  Alas, playing over his head is the problem with Joyce, to DeWitt.  His BABIP is absurd; he’s a .270 hitter currently hitting .360.  He’s sandwiched between Votto and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s crazy.  I know I told everyone to grab him back in April, but he’s not this good.  Humble brag!  He’s never had more than 5 hits vs. lefties in an entire season, he hit .080 last year vs. lefties, i.e., he’s a platoon player.  He’s making good contact and swinging at good pitches, but at some point his luck is gonna turn vs. righties and opposing managers are going to throw LOOGY’s at him in later innings.  So I wouldn’t sell him for $24 in trinkets, but I would explore options.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Laynce Nix – He’s another platoon (doesn’t face lefties often) player, but he’s also only owned in 22% of ESPN leagues and he’s hit 3 homers in the last week.  If someone grabs Nix off waivers before you, call yourself a wambulaynce.

Jon Jay – After hitting .397 in May with 3 homers and 3 steals, he had the best month of his career since he wrote The Federalist Papers.

Nyjer Morgan -  SAGNOF!

Jason Bourgeois – I heard through the grapevine that he’s coming back this weekend, and by ‘grapevine,’ I mean I read it on the internet.  Thank you, Al Gore!

Tony Campana – While Marlon Byrd plays piano in the cellar for the next 6 weeks, Campana should see time.  He can get on base at a decent rate and he has crazy speed.  In fact, he just ran into your room, messed your hair and ran back out and you didn’t even know it.

Andres Torres – A fantasy baseball Rorschach test would have an ink blot of Angel Pagan and Andres Torres.

Allen Craig – Hit .350 in May and is the starting 2nd baseman, assuming Pujols doesn’t try and get that eligibility too.  Craig’s a 15/8 guy if he plays all year, which is great for a middle infidel not named Asdrubal.

Danny Espinosa – I’m not sure why he’s only owned in 37% of ESPN leagues other than 10,000 ESPN leagues might be owned by one guy who goes by the initial X who just likes to mess with me by picking up and dropping random players.  X, “What?  I have some free time.”

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is smoking with a side order of hot schmotato.

Brian Matusz – For full disclosure purposes, I wouldn’t pick up Matusz outside of an AL-Only league, and he’d be owned there anyway.  I just have a mental block about Orioles pitchers.  Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.

Daniel Murphy -  It’s absolutely bonkers to me that no other fantasy sites are touting Daniel Murphy.  Granted, I don’t read other fantasy sites and Murphy is pretty yawnstipating, but, I mean, c’mon!

Ty Wigginton -  Wiggy, Wiggy, Wiggy, can’t you see, sometimes your streaks just hypnotize me.  His picture should be next to the definition of hot schmotato (and it would say, “See also Luke Scott”).

Anthony Rizzo – It’s interesting that there’s times that I’ll talk about a player a lot and make myself even more excited for him, and other times when I dull my excitement the more I mention someone.  And I should have modified interesting with “to only me.”  Rizzo’s starting to bore me and he’s not even in the majors yet.  A few badonkadonks though and that can all change.

Ryan Theriot -  Know what I really like about Theriot?  Yeah, um, well, he does have a pretty cool last name.  He also has, um, hmm…Uh…  Well, he’s currently hitting and has some speed.

Eric Young Jr. – I kinda want to start another league just so I can redraft and take Young with my first pick.  The unabashedly crazy bro-love comes from the fact that Young has 60 steal speed.

Brett Lawrie – Just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while doing vodka shots with Karen Allen.

Brent Lillibridge – In the Razzball Glossary section of the forums, someone suggested peg boy replace hot schmotato.  I’m not ready to make the change, though, if you wanted your son to grow up to be a peg boy, you’d name him Brent Lillibridge.

Brandon Crawford – I think Crawford is one of those adds that by the time they get on your team they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Aaron Crow – Everyone in the preseason who said Soria’s the best closer in baseball is eating Crow.  Wah-wah-wahhhhh…Sad trombone.

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla will take the closer job back.  Very surprising since he juggled seven different guys to varying degrees of failure in his absence.

Juan Nicasio – High risk, high reward type flyer.  Could get you a couple of high-K starts, might give you an ulcer, will probably be bumped from the rotation for Aaron Cook.

Jordan Lyles – Just went over my Jordan Lyles fantasy.  I wrote it in 1996, stuck it into a bottle and found it fifteen years later off the coast of Brazil.

SELL

Michael Pineda – Out of 11 starts, Pineda’s only had 4 starts vs. teams with a better than .500 record (as of yesterday. (I didn’t feel like figuring out who was over .500 when he faced them. (If you’d like a refund of your no money paid, let me know))).   In the 4 starts vs. the .500+ teams, he gave up 12 runs in 24 innings, giving him a 4.50 ERA.  In 2009, he missed a lot of the season with an elbow injury so the Mariners would have to be run by Ed Wade’s Toupee to push Pineda deep into September, eliminating his usefulness in H2H playoffs.  Now to completely hedge, I’m a fan of Pineda and don’t think he’s going to become side-of-the-barn hittable, but I would look at options.

Carlos Lee – He slashed .325/.341/.470 in May.  Wait, why isn’t El Caballo in the Buy section?  Oh, I know.  Cause he also hit only 2 homers last month.  Blech.  Who is he, Mike Aviles?  In most mixed leagues, I’d turn Caballo into glue.

Darwin Barney – Dropping Darwin would be intelligent design.

Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday.   Yay!  He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year.  Because he’s a big, fat liar.  He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future.  There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale.  He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad.  Well, I guess that makes sense.  And now you’re making me look stupid?!  I hate you, Morneau.  Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada.  They’ll treat you for free there!  These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau.  Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly.  I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one.  Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14.  No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money.  I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant.  I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL.  I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers.  Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now.  Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim?  Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand.  Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine.  Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’  A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday.  Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head.  To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup.  Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it.  He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average.  Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that.  And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run.  BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister?  “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party.  It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Oh.  Wait, what?  Ouch.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months.  Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Good to see he’s still playing baseball.  I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks.  I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation.  Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers.  I’m glad so many people dropped him.  More Danny Espinosa for me!

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May.  This year, more bupkis.  Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal.  Yesterday, a homer.  Tomorrow, probably an injury.  But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good.   Vogelsong, really isn’t.  I swear.  Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative.  Bochy said Belt would miss a few days.  Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.

Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.

Cliff Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats.  The Adverb was far from suffixient.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade.  The drug trade!  Many people move to Florida to retire.  Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order.  Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease.  I’m now an officially retired baseball player.  I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.”  First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy.  Manny’s a kept man!  The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld.  We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer.  Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011.  If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth.  Is he much more than SAGNOF?  Yes and no.  He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases.  There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12.  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s us quoting Grey!  In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’.  Or poor if you’re a completist.  Or poo, if you’re a middlist.  Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power.  Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks.  That’s a Weaver family record!  Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks.

Josh Beckett - 8 shutout innings with 3 base runners and 10Ks….against the Yankees.  Take that Weaver!  It seems like Beckett owns the Yankees but they crushed him last year to the tune of a 10.04 ERA in 26 IP.  So does this mean 2011 Beckett is back to the dominant SP that you would want to actually own on your team?  Not I.  Or is it not me?  Or not we?

Matt Thornton – After Thornton blew his second save, Ozzie tweeted, “Thornton is throws gas like me after a plate of frijoles.”  On Saturday, Chris Sale grabbed the save.  Here’s the thing, and there’s always a thing, Ozzie has no loyalty to Thornton, but Thornton also is better than he’s shown so far.  Don’t think Thornton gets every save and he may get even less than that if he keeps blowing saves, but right now I’d want him then Sale.

Ryan Franklin – Blew his third save on Saturday.  Motte hasn’t been good.  Mitchell Boggs hasn’t been bad but his best attribute is that he’s got the best law firm-sounding name this side of BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  La Russa will probably stick with Franklin for a few more blow ups, but I’d own Motte and Boggs, in that order.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Another gem on Saturday in spite of everyone saying a regression was coming this year.  Baseball-Reference’s Database had to talk Fangraphs Database down from the roof of a twelve story building.  “It’s not just your FIP.  It’s everyone’s.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  One for each knee he has problems with.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has 13 straight scoreless innings.  Someone go grab Orel Hershiser off the beach in Jamaica!  Not because Narveson is going to break his scoreless inning streak, but Orel’s really pale, you don’t want him to burn.  Grab Narveson in every single league you have room, you never know where a crazy breakout is going to come from.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks and now has only given up 2 earned in two starts.  Could I have been a year early when I told you to grab Masterson last year?  It’s possible.  Sometimes when I pop out of my DeLorean, I have no idea what year it is.  It’s worth a flyer to see if Masterson can continue his early success, but I have less faith in him, the Indians and AL pitcher flyers, in general.

Russell Martin – Hit two four-baggers on Saturday.  Speaking of a four-bagger, for those who read my e-book, my friend from college, Dirty, was visiting me this week.  So we’re headed to this bar on Friday and he starts telling me about this girl he hooked up with on Tuesday night.  He’s like, “I was hooking up with her and then she starts making out with this girl… Then me… Then this girl….It was so hot!”  Now, my one experience with the bar he was at was seeing a friend’s band perform and there were a lot of lesbians there, so his story sounded plausible.  So I tell him to invite his bisexual girl to the bar we’re going to.  He does, but she has no car or cash.  He’s like, “I’ll pay the forty dollar cab ride for you!”  He’s giddy with excitement.  I’m giddy just to meet her.  He’s built this girl up to the point where I’m expecting Vanessa Hudgens taking pictures of herself.  She texts him from the cab outside, “Come pay for the taxi, I’m here.”  So he walks out while I stay inside the bar.  Fifteen minutes later, he walks in with his tail between his legs and a girl that can be best described as Rosie O’Donnell from the days of Exit to Eden.  She was wearing a denim jacket, a silver chain hanging from her jeans’ pocket and had a shaved faux hawk.  She wasn’t bi-curious, she was a lesbian.  Yeah, he still went home with her.

J.J. Hardy – Sidelined for six weeks with an oblique injury.  I see your appendix and intercostal and raise you an oblique!

Zach Britton – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Another solid start on Saturday.  Because he induces groundballs, his downside isn’t as bad as some other rookie pitchers.  He also doesn’t K a lot of people.  I’d prefer my SP flyer from the NL, but you do what you do, I do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm.

Hanley Ramirez – With a deep contusion on his leg, he’s out until Tuesday.  A deep contusion for Hanley is also known as a charley horse.

Ryan Zimmerman – Abdominal strain has knocked him out for a few days.  Zimm loves himself some day-to-day injuries, huh?

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 5 ER on Saturday.  Hey, you took the flyer, gave him a chance, he touched your naughty bits and left you high and dry.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Bud Norris – See 1/8th of an inch above…i.e., grab Narveson.

Andres Torres – Strained Achilles – consider him out until Friday.  Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know when he says, “Heal heel!  Heal heel!”  The big problem with Torres coming into this year and his career is he had a hard time staying healthy.  Achilles injuries can linger, says the guy without the medical degree.

Ryan Doumit – Hurdle said he won’t play Doumit in right field or at first when Snyder returns.  I did enjoy Clint Hurdle’s quote about it, “It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan.”  He’s making it sound like he’s doing Doumit a favor by benching him.  This is like when you do the ol’ “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup.

Dan Haren – Got the relief win on Saturday.  In the dugout, the Sciosciapath was seen reading Dusty Baker’s book on managing pitchers, “They Weren’t a High Pressure One Hundred and Eighty Pitches.”

Jose Tabata – Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Tabata.  Tabata who?  Tabata the Rockies are leaving town because Jose hit 2 HRs and stole 3 SBs in 4 games against them.  It’s been only 10 games but Tabata is showing signs of improvement vs. his rookie year.  He’s walking more than twice as much as last year, flashing more power (only had 4 HR in 400+ AB last  year), and is stealing more (5 for 6 vs last year’s 19 for 26).  While it’s highly doubful he’ll keep up this Bondsian/Eric Davisian pace (32 HR / 80 SBs), a 15/40 season isn’t out of the question.

Rajai Davis – For the love of Rajai!  Davis re-irritated his right ankle on Sunday.  Don’t they have band aids in Toronto?  Damn socialized medicine.  He will likely miss a couple games, just in time for Corey Patterson to appear off the DL, look great for a week or two, and then morph back into Corey Patterson.  This has the potential for the best SAGNOF fight with only CarGo Lite and Nyjer standing in its way.  And if Podsednik ever gets his act together, he can team up with Mike McCoy and the Jays can have a SAGNOF tag team event.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 3 RBI.  Looks like he’s holding Bloomquist in contempt.

Matt Kemp – That was 5 SBs for Kemp in the 3 game series at San Diego.  Maybe he just visualizes Chris ‘Tall’ Young on the mound.

Fernando Rodney – Just when you think that Scioscia has no respect for Rodney as a closer, he gives him another chance.  Even crazier, he throws a 1-2-3 inning.  Maybe it’s because Walden pitched on Saturday but Rodney had pitched on Friday and Saturday.  Go figure.  I still think Walden will get more saves this year but you’ve got to hold onto Rodney for now.  Sorry in advance.

Yovani Gallardo - 4 ER and 11 base runners in 5 IP.  And only 2 Ks – which makes it 8 Ks in three starts (20 IP).  That’s Buehrlesque.  That’s not good at all for someone who’s averaged over a K an inning for his career.  Maybe he’s saving them up to impress Zack.

Metco – The Mets and Nationals hitters somehow made the quartet of Capuano (8 Ks), Gorzelanny (8 Ks), Marquis (9 Ks), and Chris ‘Tall’ Young (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks) look like great pitchers.  If there’s anything to learn from this, it’s not to pick these guys up.  It’s to stream starters who face these two teams.

Jonny Gomes – Slam and legs!

Brandon Belt – Another 0-fer.  That’s 3 for 24 since the big HR in his 2nd game. We had a guy in one of our leagues spend his whole $100 waiver budget on Belt.  Ouch.  Obviously, Belt is better than this but it’s always a crapshoot with rookie hitters.  If you can bench him until he snaps out of this funk or gets demoted, do it.

Eric Bedard - That’s two bad starts in a row for Bedard.  The odds are low that he’ll pitch so poorly the rest of the year.  But that’s because there’s a 90% chance he gets injured and can’t pitch at all.