Evan Longoria went 0-for-4 yesterday. He’s been kinda terrible for about three months now. Man, third base is a minefield. Now I’m not putting Longoria in the Wright Sucks Then Gets Conked On The Head box. No, he hasn’t been nearly that bad. But two separate months of an under .240 average and two months of zero steals and tw0 months of 1 steal and this sentence has nearly as many ands as, “In the saying, “Fish-and-Chips,” it’s necessary to have a hyphen between “fish” and “and,” and “and” and “chips.” I’m not ready to proclaim where Longoria should be drafted next year. I’m Grey and I make proclamations! But Longoria isn’t exactly setting the world afire with flames shooting out of his areolas. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Sonavabench! I can’t stand Rays pitchers this year. They’re sucking the life out of me. One day it’s Shields pitching terribly in my lineup, then it’s him pitching well on my bench. Then Kazmir follows suit. I might need to take a sabbatical next year from the Rays pitchers.
J.P. Howell – 1 IP, 1 ER. This is the 2nd game in a row Thurston and Lovey’s son has blown.
Oliver Perez – Out for the season with surgery to his knee. In September, I’m fully expecting the Mets to play their home games in candy stripper outfits.
Brad Penny – Wanted out of Boston and he got it. He cited irreconcilable differences. Sox just said he sucked.
Chad Qualls – Placed on waivers, but it’ll take a John Holmes-sized package to get him from the Diamondbacks. If he’s shown the door, I’d expect Rauch to get the saves. Oh, and he blew a save last night. Yay.
Justin Upton – Back from his oblique strain. Oh, and he went 1-for-3. Non-sarcastic yay.
Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks. Has been solid since his no-hitter. Somewhere, Buehrle realizes he should’ve renegotiated his deal with the devil.
Brian Wilson – Medders got the save yesterday (quite easily actually), but I think it was just because Medders was warming up to enter a losing game, then one of The Flying Molina Brothers put the Giants into a save situation with 2 outs in the 8th.
David Ortiz – 2 HRs yesterday. Has 22 homers on the year while batting .227. Who are you, Dave Kingman?
Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks vs. the Mets. Is it only me or do you, loyal Razzball reader, also expect a shutout from your pitcher when they face the Mets and are upset when all you get is a s0lid start?
Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 3 ER. Was outpitched by Pineiro. What’s worse, I’m not surprised. I wanna say to Oswalt, “You gonna let this punk get away with that? What’s the matter with you? What’s the world comin’ to?”
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, but caught stealing again. On the bright side, he’s at least attempting steals. I’m farting in your general direction, Alcides Escobar.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 2 HRs. Mentioned so I don’t get hate mail from Andre Ethier’s Mom.
Jack Cust – HR yesterday. Member two days ago how I said when he gets hot, he gets scorching? He’s now batting near .600 for the last week.
Jose Lopez – HR yesterday. Has 4 homers in the last week. Cool, but I dropped him back in May and don’t regret it.
Trevor Hoffman – Placed on waivers. These things usually don’t go through. Keep that in mind. But I’d expect Coffey to grab Brewers saves in September if The Hoff’s off.
Nick Johnson – Heads to the DL. If you set your watch by Johnson’s DL trips, you were probably pretty tardy this year as it took him much longer than usual to hit the infirmary.
Brad Lidge – Before yesterday’s game, Manuel said Lidge will remain the Phillies closer. So, of course, Madson came on for the save. And blew it. Give Scott Eyre the ball! I keed. Lidge had worked a few days in a row, so I think Lidge is still the guy… To blow saves.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks. I watched a good chunk of this game. The Pirates had a lot of opportunities to score. Love to sit here (and I am sitting) and tell you Hamels is gonna be just fine going forward, but I’d be lying. He might be, but this game shouldn’t be used as an indication either way.
Matt LaPorta – 2-for-4 and a HR yesterday. He now has at least one hit in every game since his recall. Now Eric Wedge must think harder about ways to bench him.
Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks. I don’t think I’ve owned a Yankee pitcher in five years. Too many headaches with the division and now the ballpark. Pettitte’s one of those I wouldn’t have owned (though used to when he was on the Astros). But through it all, Pettitte has pitched well this year. Nothing incredible (4.18 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, around 7 K/9), but solid.
Alfonso Soriano – May need knee surgery. No word if he’ll have it sooner than later. My guess is later, but if he does it sooner, then suddenly we have a some playing time for Jake Fox. Yes, Soriano’s fallen far when I’m hoping for knee surgery and I own him in a league.
Milton Bradley – HR yesterday. Before the game, he talked about how much he hates Chicago, “I’m talking about hatred, period. I’m talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant. I’ve got to listen to the waiters badmouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant.” Milton needs to stop eating at Dick’s Last Resort.