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My fantasy career goes back further than LeBron’s hairline, it’s Beddict – I pack more nuts than Delta Airlines. Greetings! Tis I, Tehol, back again and ready to wreck shizz! Yea!!! This is going to be my greatest post of all time, I can just feel it inside my beautifully sculpted bones. Wait, hold on a second…….. I just received a 911 text on my pager. What’s this? “Boy Toy Troy” Tulowitzki has a broken rib? He’s gonna be out 6 weeks you say? Well that’s just swell! Oh and Sky already grabbed Rutledge off waivers? I will pay any of you readers the equivalent to 500 dollars in man thongs for information on his whereabouts. Sky that is, not Tulo. I know Tulo is in the waiting room at his gynecologist at this very moment, but Sky’s a tough man to locate. Can Sky sue me for threatening him on razzball? Sue me for what? Man thongs? That’s basically the only possession of value I own besides my chicken, an extremely rare breed.

Anyway, before this is getting out of hand so let’s get back to the subject of note. Troy Tulowitzki has a broken rib and won’t be ready for a minimum of a month. This is obviously a devastating blow to the Colorado Rockies, but it’s worse for his millions of fantasy owners. Cant you stay healthy for one fuggin season Troy? Just one?! I’ve taken many a fall on the runway and never broken a rib, so how you break one playing baseball is beyond me but let’s not speak on the past. The situation that has arisen calls for us to pick up a new shortstop for the next month and I’m guessing there is almost nobody of any intrigue available. Am I right or am I right, or am right. Ok, I just looked at who’s on waivers and it’s not good guys (and gals). I’d grab Yunel Escobar if he’s there, or you could try riding the hot stick of Willie “How is he still in the majors” Bloomquist. That just caused a flashback to when I was stripping at Thunder From Down Under and women begging to ride the “hot stick.” Ahhh, memories. Moving on. The cupboard looks to be barer than Calista Flockhart’s pantry, so we may be in a bit of trouble. Speaking of Flockhart, I’d still split that. You inquisitive specimens may be asking what the moral of this story is. The answer is: You are screwed and that I would pay to wax Ally McBeal, after singing her some R. Kelly: Youuuuuuu remind me of my jeeeeeep.

What else happened this week? Let’s take a quick look shall we. That’s not a question. So do it! Please.

Kenley Jansen -Finally it’s happened to me, Right in front of my face. My Feelings can’t  describe it. Sweet jam! Even sweeter news! Kenley has responded with 2 hitless innings and 4 ks since being named the closer and has 18.5 points on the week. Anyone else interested in watching Trevor Gallo and Brandon League fight to the death? Anyway, I hope you picked up Jansen or were intelligent and already owned him because he will be one of 3 best closers in baseball from here on out. If I said it, it must be true.

Carlos Gomez - Do you find yourself rooting against the players you avoided on the waiver wire who are now tearing a$$ apart with the tenacity of Peter North in his prime? If you’re anything like me, then you’ve more than likely sucker punched at least one teenager due to the anger you feel for not swooping up Gomez. With 25.5 points on the week through Throwback Thursday, Gomez is making “experts” who advised against grabbing him look foolish. Kudos to you if he’s on your roster. Allah has been kind to you.

Gerrit Cole - Cole dropped 20 fantasy points in his first career start this week. That’s nothing to blow your load at. Er, or is that nothing to blow your nose at. Or is nothing to sneeze at? I was never one for sayings but GC’s lack of K’s certainly was not enough to make me blow my load. BUT, the kid was pounding the sweet spot like I did for Yasmine Bleeth after auditioning for a role on Baywatch. Hasslehoff was pissed. I was pleasantly surprised with Cole’s start and I’m recommending you ride him till the silicone comes out the tittays.

Grant Balfour - The most underrated closer in baseball. The man is a legend and should be treated as such.

Max Scherzer - Another pick some of my less Godly colleagues dogged me for. If you grabbed the number 2 ranked starting pitcher in fantasy baseball in the FIRST round I’d slap your butt and say “atta boy,” but if you swooped in the 4th round or later I’ll call you a savant. Feel like celebrating your accomplishments? Craigslist has a great local call girl list. Splurge (or would that be splouge?) a little man (or woman). You earned it. Why did Arizona trade this guy again?

Todd Frazier – They screamin Frazier back, Frazier back. There’s all these ladies nerds screamin that Frazier back. My man Todd is hotter than fish grease and I expect mucho grande numeros.

Mike Carp - It’s comforting to know that Carp from the epic film The Mighty Ducks has become a successful professional baseball player. If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have guessed he was either dead or in jail. Kudos to him.

Marlon Byrd - Coo coo ca choo, I am the walrus and Marlon is a  bird. Grab him for this hot streak if he hasn’t already been plucked.

Tony Cingrani - Cincy is literally the only team in baseball who I don’t believe Cingrani could start for. Sucks for him. I would still hold him until Cueto pitches without setback on Sunday. With 26.5 points in his last start, Tone Loc is ready to dominate right now. Please just find a place for him Dusty.

Brendan Ryan- Just seeing if you were paying attention. Why in the name of the Crippled God would I speak of B. Ryan. The fact that this guy is on an MLB roster and I’m not on the cover of US Weekly makes me sick.

Jeremy Hellickson- If you’re still starting Hell-boy come on over to my place and I’ll have that homeless former model that sleeps on my couch kick you in the nuts.

Dustin Ackley- I was sitting in a box suite at the Tacoma Rainiers game last week being wooed  by a soft core porn director, when I heard it. I didn’t see it , I heard it. That sweet crack when wood meets ball. At that moment I knew Ack had finally figured it out. He can now hit the curve and pretty much anything else. If you’re desperate for 2 bagger pick him up now and praise me later.

 

As always it’s been a true pleasure writing for you today. I hope that you will follow me on twitter at TeholBeddict47 and “like” my blog on facebook. What I shall do for you in return will remain a secret until you DM me. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to almost instantly because that’s just how I get down yaaah mean? I know the Tulo loss is painful but we will work through it together like the warrior poets we are. I love you. Good day.

 

 

50 Responses

  1. Everett says:
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    What is the deal with Matt Moore? should I try to move him or is he going to figure this out?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Everett: Well I moved him but I think he bounces back. depends on what you can get but he is def not a sell high at this particular moment. i had to package him with jennings to get ellsbury where earlier in year i might have been able to do it for less

      • Shibboleth says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: The thing about Moore is many of us drafted him as a potential ace. Clearly not there yet but I’m inclined to ride out the bumps in his case.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Shibboleth: might as well at this point. nice matchup tonight with royals. hopefully he handles himself like a man

  2. One I'd Willy says:
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    Good stuff as always.

    1st time playing points. What are your thoughts on trading pitching for hitting in points leagues. Points are points? I ask because I have the best pitching in the league and so far am one of the worst hitting. I have a hard time trading a pitcher with 300 points away for a batter with 250 points even though both are top 5 players. I get the value in hitter being more consistent, but is this true of the top pitchers?

    12 team auction keeper points. My top 3 pitchers are Wainwright $29 Cliff Lee $17 and Max $13. I can’t see myself trading any of them for Goldy at $9. Am I nuts?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @One I’d Willy: pitchers hold more value in points league which took me a year to figure out as there is nothing quite a 40 point outing from an ace or a nice two start week but if you have great pitching depth its worth it if you can get a stud where u are lacking. glad you enjoyed Willy

      • One I'd Willy says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Cool. Kinda what I was thinking. Maybe I’ll try to move Minor. I believe in the kid, but can afford to let him succeed on another team if I can get a somewhat decent hitter in return. I know I won’t get top 15 value for him even though that’s what he’s been. Thanks for your wise council.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @One I’d Willy: yep he’s a good sell candidate though for the right price. i like where ur heads at playa

  3. Bryan says:
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    Gyorko or Rendon?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bryan: well rendon since he’s not injured. Gyorko when he returns

  4. Huge Caulk says:
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    H2H keeper…

    ROS: Peter North, John E. Depth, Jake Steed, Dale Dabone, or Arnold Schwarzenpecker?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Huge Caulk: Dabone has always been underrated and I believe his chances of continuing on are high. John E. Depth for the name alone deserves some consideration but North is washed up

  5. abdoozy says:
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    4th round? Meh. How about grabbing the Scherzinator in the *sixth* round of a 14 team league?

    (pats self on back, Greinkes shoulder in process)

    • abdoozy says:
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      @abdoozy: Got so busy preening I forgot to ask my question. Where’s Carp’s playing time going to come from now that Ellsbury and Victo are back in the lineup? Can’t count on Napoli coming down with Chunga’s Revenge every night.

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @abdoozy: that I don’t know. I just wanted to get a mighty ducks reference in there out of respect for one of the greatest films of all time. Emilllioooooooooooo!!!! that being said they might find some time for him since he’s been red hot 3-4 times a week or he could easily fade to black

  6. Shibboleth says:
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    So does a Tulo- and Cargo-less Rockies mean Kendrick and his groundballs are a decent play @Col tonight? Or do I need talkin down from this ledge? :-)

    • Shibboleth says:
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      @Shibboleth: oops, latest news appears to be Cargo is day to day!

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Shibboleth: I was just talking betting with a colleague of mine and told him to bet on philly. Watch out for colvin the kid but other than that you should be good

        • shibboleth says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: Thanks! I love these kinds of starts… they get the adrenaline going.

          • Tehol Beddict

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @shibboleth: yea im throwin arroyo at home against brewers and im feeling the same way

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @shibboleth: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  7. The Randy Johnson says:
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    There’s a reason I never draft Tulo ever ever ever.

    Coincidentally, it’s the same reason I refer to him as Sex Panther. 60% of the time, he works every time. The other 40% of the time, he’s on your DL doing jack shit.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Randy Johnson: you’re a smart man Johnson. a broken rib??? really?? god it hurts. i have hanley coming back today but he cant steal and im sure he will hurt himself immediately. what a nightmare

  8. Huge Caulk says:
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    Real question this time…Keeper leagueH2H 6×6 OBP, QS k/9…

    My Harvey for his Rizzo? He desperately needs pitching… my pitching would go from pretty good to avg without Harvey…my hitting is top notch already but I don’t think you can have too much hitting… I do own Goldy at 1B already so Rizzo would be a UTIL. I am worried Harvey will get shut down when I need him the most and want to maximize his value…What should I do?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Huge Caulk: i think you could do much better for Harvey for this year and MUCH better considering its a keeper league. he is arguably the best young pitcher in baseball. you should be able to almost name your price for a man of that stature.

    • Joel says:
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      @Joel: oh, and I am second in my league by 60 points

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: wow that might be the greatest pitching staff of all time. you don’t need either of those young guys though i think they will both be good. wihelmson should rebound i hope. But yea id go for kanley as i love him. maybe offer wilhelmson and someone else like mccann if he has no catcher. or Ryu straight up or something of that nature. i really think kenley is gonna be ligths out. I don’t think, I know

      • Joel says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: right on man. Dude accepted the McCann/Wilhemsen offer for Jannsen. PUMPED! So, i dropped Sal Perez to get McCann in the first place, prolly gonna snag him again.

        Pretty sure things are gonna pay off quickly. Your advice is kickin so far this year

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Joel: peeeeeeerfect. Glad ur liking. Hopefully I can keep it up for u playa

  9. D Rich says:
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    Carlos Gomez – who would of thought when you say the words Car-Go you now have to think which one we’re talking about haha too bad i don’t own either. Kenley and Hanley are about to take the Dodgers to glory!! Right? Kenley no doubt but give me your predicitons on Hanley the rest of the season…assuming he stays healthy.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: Mr. Rich, Kenley jansen is the sparkplug the dodgers need to resurrect their playoff hopes and Hanley is the perfect compliment to Puig the God. Unfortunately for us han-ram owners the hammy means we are pretty much guaranteed 0 steals from his rest of the year. But I say He gives us 15 homers miminum with a 290 batting average and a lot of rbi opps when crawford ever comes back. More than likely though he will get injured today and Punto will lead them to glory.

  10. RudyCorrales says:
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    Rest of Season:

    Rutledge,

    Gyorko,

    Kelly johnson

    thats my ranking, what do you think?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @RudyCorrales: I think you’re a god damn genius. barring rutledge isnt sent back down when tulo comes back. KJ is not on my radar

  11. Brett says:
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    You think Rutledge will be a good replacement for Tulo? Aviles and Escobar are available in my league also…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brett: yes I do. Rutledge is def the best option if hes gonna be playing every day

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yes

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Grey: Grey the God has spoken

  12. WhiteRabbit says:
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    Mr. Greyjoy

    OK – I’ve asked this before – just want to see if the answer has changed. keeper league –

    $1 Frazier and $5 Edwin Jackson for $5 Carlos Gomez or a sausage dinner?

    • WhiteRabbit says:
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      @WhiteRabbit: Sorry Tehol – just wanted to use the Greyjoy ref… i’d love your unquestionable judgement on this porfavor

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @WhiteRabbit: dont be sorry.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @WhiteRabbit: make that trade asap. Game of Thrones edition coming next week rabbit

      • WhiteRabbit says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: pulled it (not in that way) — thanks for the expert opinion. Made it easier when I lost Burnett (was diagnosed with a grade 1 tear). Hopefully some regression to mean for Jackson and my new team name is House Bolton

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @WhiteRabbit: great trade. good work. good effort

  13. RudyCorrales says:
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    with zero raegard to position please rank these dudes

    david freeze
    brett Gardner
    Gyorko
    Todd Frazier

    Rest of season. thanks!!! owe you dudes some drinks

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @RudyCorrales: 1. Gardner 2. Frazier 3. Gyorko 4. Freese BAM

  14. DMurph says:
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    I’m I the only one still holding out hope for R.A. Dickey?? Between his back issue, the cold weather, Chicago fog, and adjusting to a new team and the AL I’m hoping this terrible start has just been unlucky. His peripherals are not great but maybe he will pull it together soon? What do you think?

    Some people are advocating trading him for pennies on the dollar but I think that may be a mistake. Many more stinkers like recently and he will be worthless in trade talks though.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DMurph: I would hold him for sure. Im sure he have at least a giod stretch then u can maybe trade him

  15. Frank White says:
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    Hey buddy… U around??

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank White: cheeeeea

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