My fantasy career goes back further than LeBron’s hairline, it’s Beddict – I pack more nuts than Delta Airlines. Greetings! Tis I, Tehol, back again and ready to wreck shizz! Yea!!! This is going to be my greatest post of all time, I can just feel it inside my beautifully sculpted bones. Wait, hold on a second…….. I just received a 911 text on my pager. What’s this? “Boy Toy Troy” Tulowitzki has a broken rib? He’s gonna be out 6 weeks you say? Well that’s just swell! Oh and Sky already grabbed Rutledge off waivers? I will pay any of you readers the equivalent to 500 dollars in man thongs for information on his whereabouts. Sky that is, not Tulo. I know Tulo is in the waiting room at his gynecologist at this very moment, but Sky’s a tough man to locate. Can Sky sue me for threatening him on razzball? Sue me for what? Man thongs? That’s basically the only possession of value I own besides my chicken, an extremely rare breed.
Anyway, before this is getting out of hand so let’s get back to the subject of note. Troy Tulowitzki has a broken rib and won’t be ready for a minimum of a month. This is obviously a devastating blow to the Colorado Rockies, but it’s worse for his millions of fantasy owners. Cant you stay healthy for one fuggin season Troy? Just one?! I’ve taken many a fall on the runway and never broken a rib, so how you break one playing baseball is beyond me but let’s not speak on the past. The situation that has arisen calls for us to pick up a new shortstop for the next month and I’m guessing there is almost nobody of any intrigue available. Am I right or am I right, or am right. Ok, I just looked at who’s on waivers and it’s not good guys (and gals). I’d grab Yunel Escobar if he’s there, or you could try riding the hot stick of Willie “How is he still in the majors” Bloomquist. That just caused a flashback to when I was stripping at Thunder From Down Under and women begging to ride the “hot stick.” Ahhh, memories. Moving on. The cupboard looks to be barer than Calista Flockhart’s pantry, so we may be in a bit of trouble. Speaking of Flockhart, I’d still split that. You inquisitive specimens may be asking what the moral of this story is. The answer is: You are screwed and that I would pay to wax Ally McBeal, after singing her some R. Kelly: Youuuuuuu remind me of my jeeeeeep.
What else happened this week? Let’s take a quick look shall we. That’s not a question. So do it! Please.
Kenley Jansen -Finally it’s happened to me, Right in front of my face. My Feelings can’t describe it. Sweet jam! Even sweeter news! Kenley has responded with 2 hitless innings and 4 ks since being named the closer and has 18.5 points on the week. Anyone else interested in watching Trevor Gallo and Brandon League fight to the death? Anyway, I hope you picked up Jansen or were intelligent and already owned him because he will be one of 3 best closers in baseball from here on out. If I said it, it must be true.
Carlos Gomez - Do you find yourself rooting against the players you avoided on the waiver wire who are now tearing a$$ apart with the tenacity of Peter North in his prime? If you’re anything like me, then you’ve more than likely sucker punched at least one teenager due to the anger you feel for not swooping up Gomez. With 25.5 points on the week through Throwback Thursday, Gomez is making “experts” who advised against grabbing him look foolish. Kudos to you if he’s on your roster. Allah has been kind to you.
Gerrit Cole - Cole dropped 20 fantasy points in his first career start this week. That’s nothing to blow your load at. Er, or is that nothing to blow your nose at. Or is nothing to sneeze at? I was never one for sayings but GC’s lack of K’s certainly was not enough to make me blow my load. BUT, the kid was pounding the sweet spot like I did for Yasmine Bleeth after auditioning for a role on Baywatch. Hasslehoff was pissed. I was pleasantly surprised with Cole’s start and I’m recommending you ride him till the silicone comes out the tittays.
Grant Balfour - The most underrated closer in baseball. The man is a legend and should be treated as such.
Max Scherzer - Another pick some of my less Godly colleagues dogged me for. If you grabbed the number 2 ranked starting pitcher in fantasy baseball in the FIRST round I’d slap your butt and say “atta boy,” but if you swooped in the 4th round or later I’ll call you a savant. Feel like celebrating your accomplishments? Craigslist has a great local call girl list. Splurge (or would that be splouge?) a little man (or woman). You earned it. Why did Arizona trade this guy again?
Todd Frazier – They screamin Frazier back, Frazier back. There’s all these ladies nerds screamin that Frazier back. My man Todd is hotter than fish grease and I expect mucho grande numeros.
Mike Carp - It’s comforting to know that Carp from the epic film The Mighty Ducks has become a successful professional baseball player. If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have guessed he was either dead or in jail. Kudos to him.
Marlon Byrd - Coo coo ca choo, I am the walrus and Marlon is a bird. Grab him for this hot streak if he hasn’t already been plucked.
Tony Cingrani - Cincy is literally the only team in baseball who I don’t believe Cingrani could start for. Sucks for him. I would still hold him until Cueto pitches without setback on Sunday. With 26.5 points in his last start, Tone Loc is ready to dominate right now. Please just find a place for him Dusty.
Brendan Ryan- Just seeing if you were paying attention. Why in the name of the Crippled God would I speak of B. Ryan. The fact that this guy is on an MLB roster and I’m not on the cover of US Weekly makes me sick.
Jeremy Hellickson- If you’re still starting Hell-boy come on over to my place and I’ll have that homeless former model that sleeps on my couch kick you in the nuts.
Dustin Ackley- I was sitting in a box suite at the Tacoma Rainiers game last week being wooed by a soft core porn director, when I heard it. I didn’t see it , I heard it. That sweet crack when wood meets ball. At that moment I knew Ack had finally figured it out. He can now hit the curve and pretty much anything else. If you’re desperate for 2 bagger pick him up now and praise me later.
As always it’s been a true pleasure writing for you today. I hope that you will follow me on twitter at TeholBeddict47 and “like” my blog on facebook. What I shall do for you in return will remain a secret until you DM me. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to almost instantly because that’s just how I get down yaaah mean? I know the Tulo loss is painful but we will work through it together like the warrior poets we are. I love you. Good day.