So O.J. DID murder his wife and her lover? Hold up a second! Kato Kaelin has come out of the woodwork to set the record straight, giving us access to his personal knowledge of the situation. Wouldn’t this have helped if he actually said it during the trial? And, is his opinion enough to sway those of us who previously believed ” The Juice” was wrongfully accused like my man Leslie Nielsen (RIP). The gloves didn’t fit Kato! Get it through your soft-core porn starring head. I’m sure he’s just glad to get any attention whatsoever, as I was pretty sure he was doing gay porn in Indonesia (as was I but that was a long time ago). What do O.J., Kato, and Leslie Nielsen (RIP) and your roster all have in common (If you made the playoffs, that is)? They all scored countless times with power and consistency and frankly I just thought you needed to know. Let’s jump right in before I start reminiscing about my Indonesia days.
Kris Medlen - Let me hit you with something right quick: 23, 33, 25, 33, 39, 16, 26, 30. BAM! Those are Med’s last eight point totals. The Braves haven’t lost in this God of man’s last 21 starts, and I’ve been riding him like Seattle Slew into the fantasy playoffs the last few months. Medlen’s performances remind of how Henry the 8th treated his wives: he beheaded them and devoured their souls. The only unfortunate thing about this situation is that Medlen is somehow not starting again until next Wednesday, and not giving us two performances in the fantasy finals. Oh the humanity! Will he continue on his ascendancy to Godhood or will he finally blow it when we need him the most? I say his brutal tyranny over his opponents continues, possibly all the way to the World Series.
P.S. How high of a pick is Medlen next season? 2nd round? 3rd round? Do you believe? I sure do. Kudos to you if he’s been on your roster.
Tom Wilhelmsen - There aren’t too many bigger surprises than this big stud right here. He’s been closing at a higher rate than Brett Michaels (having sex if you didn’t get it), and he doesn’t seem to be slowing down. Neither does Brett for that matter. See for yourself: 8, 9, 7, 9, 9, 7, 7. Get this horse some butter, because he’s on a roll. But please not the frozen hard butter that some restaurants provide. Is there anything more annoying on this beautiful earth than severely struggling to butter your fresh baked roll? You end up just eating a big chunk of it since it’s barely spreadable. Do some humans like their butter rock hard? If I’m missing something here please let me know. I love taking in new information. You know what, on second thought, don’t tell me, because anyone who likes trying to spread rock hard butter isn’t winning at life. I’m sorry. I’ve had a rough couple days. Forgive me. Or don’t, I don’t care.
Yu Darvish - Yuuuuuuuuuu, put that bat away! Do the Yuuuuuuuuu, put that bat away. If it wasn’t for Medlen, Yu would have got the headline. Now he’s going to be upset with me. Text me Yu. We can talk this out. Or maybe have your interpreter text me. 16, 16, 28, 22, 26, 29, 20 (game in progress) is what this Ace has turned in lately. If you’re playing in a league where quality starts award you 3 points please add that to all pitcher’s stats I list here. What, you want me to write them both out for you? Anyway, my point is that Darvish has been like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai. He was slow picking everything up, and was beaten down a couple times, but in the end he was the most amazing Samurai warrior who ever lived. Cruise is white so I guess that may have been a bad analogy, especially when considering samurai’s are of Japanese culture. Yu might even be offended by that comparison. Again, Yu, have your interpreter hit me on the hip.
Allen Craig - Is there anything more sickening than when this guy goes off on you? I’m telling you, I’d rather watch the Corey Feldman reality series than draft this dude. But I can’t tell you why because this guy has put up some solid ass numbers! 7, 5, -2, 3, 10 are his past 5 performances. I mean, wasn’t Craig thought of as a 4th outfielder at best? Where did this come from? I’d compare Craig’s performance this year to Tim Allen’s film career. Though it seems like he’s consistently mediocre, he keeps getting jobs and ends up with a sizable sum in the end. Hey, Allen may not have any blockbusters, but he’s rich as shit. What I’m really trying to say here is that I’m a Craig hater but somehow he’s been able to post decent numbers. Did you get confused because Tim Allen’s last name is the same as Craig’s first name? I’m lost too. Moving on.
Mike Trout - The man I once worshipped every night has now torn my heart out like a cheating, heartless girlfriend, stomping my heart on the floor and kicking me in the balls for good measure. I mean the insane numbers had to stop coming, but he’s not even at replacement level right now as his average drops like Nick Stahl’s acting career, or life for that matter. I’m in this CBS league with 2 grr on the line, and Trout has nosedived at the worst possible time. 1, 1, 0, 4, -2 is all he’s managed to put up this week, and I for one can’t deal with the pain. It’s the kind of pain that makes you want to scream at small children, just because they’re happy for no apparent reason. This is what adulthood has in store for you kids! PAIN! Fantasy baseball points leagues only bring PAIN! Stay young as long as you can! This once proud, king of the brook has now become fish food.
Mark Trumbo - 1, 0, dnp, 5, 0, -1, 1. Does anyone recall when this guy was feasting on opposing pitchers like Oprah at a Soup Plantation? Me neither. It’s been a while since he’s done anything of note and it was time he was recognized for it on my posts. The Angels are the most disappointing team in baseball (or Red Sox) at this point and may not make playoffs, even with the added wild card slot. It seems he’s lost his will to be a productive player. It seems he is an atrocious player. It seems that if he has been in your lineup the past few weeks, you probably didn’t make the playoffs. It seems I’ve had a terrible week after being bankrupted emotionally and financially by the Oakland Raiders, and can’t come up with anything interesting to say. I hate to say this, and truly don’t want to force you to keep reading, but I must do one more player, just to even things out. Oh, who are we kidding? You stopped reading after the first paragraph.
Wade Miley - When an ESPN writer, who shall remain nameless, wrote that Miley would end the season stronger than Yu Darvish, I was stunned. Could it be? My precious Yu baby not being the man I thought he was? Well of course not. It shows that Razzball is much more intellectual like when predicting studs and duds, and Miley my friends, is a super dud. Starting Miley is like getting a dutch oven from your overweight girlfriend. Like, why are you still in the starting rotation and what on earth did you eat sweetie? 8, 6, 6, and 5 are the pedestrian point totals Miley has put up in his last 4 starts. So think about that before inserting him in your lineup next week. And think about not letting your flatulent girlfriend eat philly cheese steaks for dinner. Miley gave all his owners a dutch oven these past two weeks. Breathe it in guys. Really taste it. This is gross. I’m out.