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Greetings playas and playettes. Yes, I’m proud to announce I have the most female readers in the sports industry other than John Clayton. You wouldn’t know by looking upon him, but “Clay-bay-bay’s” Cod piece makes Dirk Diggler’s look like a popcorn shrimp in comparison. What a savage! Anyway, I’ve spent most of my day tanning, doing squat thrusts, and preparing myself for the first round of the NFL draft so it’s needless to say I was thinking about paging Grey with a 911 alert and telling him I OD’D on Viagra and had to go to the hospital, making my post for tomorrow impossible. I then came to my senses once I remembered I have two Russian mail-order brides locked in my basement and I probably will OD on Viagra soon, so better to get this post in. I’m getting my red-eye bleached tomorrow for a major shoot in Taiwan so let’s jump straight into the players who have impressed me mightily and the scrubs who make me wish I had the podcast guy’s roster. That was obviously a joke as I would never take the roadkill stashed on Capozzi’s team. Let’s do this!

Nelson Cruz - Great Nelson, bringer of wood, we thank you now for the way you swing that stick so beautifully and make us all forget your past misgivings (injuries). “Boomstick” continues to earn his nickname in dropping 25.5 fantasy points this week and I, Tehol Beddict, predict he hits 30  dongs at an absolute minimum. So what if he’s one of the most atrocious defensive outfielders I have ever witnessed in all my years. You don’t lose fantasy points because your player cost his team a World Series 2 years ago.

Dick (Rickie) Weeks - I just read that “Pretty Ricky” didn’t get his average up to over 200 until some time in July last season….. YIKES!!!! It’s happening again my friends. What’s worse: Owning Weeks or getting caught jacking off by your Mom? I’ll let you answer that one. I’m shocked this peasant has 6 points so far this week. It seems the only way he can steal or score a run is by either getting the occasional walk or hitting into a fielder’s choice. Ricky, you just made me vomit up my protein shake.

Shelby Miller - 26 points. Does Miller play on a good team? Check. Does he throw gas that even makes Grandmothers moist? Check, and that’s pretty much all you need to know about this young Jedi. Shelbs has finally arrived and looks like an absolute steal. If you waited on pitchers and took Matt Harvey and Miller I salute you, for you are more intelligent than I.

Edwin Encarnacion - Easy-E has now homered in 3 straight games and I can let out a sigh of relief after drafting him in multiple leagues. I was starting to feel pain as if a gerbil was up my rectum a la Richard Gere in the early 90’s. Or was that pleasure? The answer to that question isn’t relevant. What is relevant is the fact that Ed has scored 25.5 points so far this week and I expect many more moon shots.

Paul Goldschmidt - Well, well, well, what do you know? The one we all bow down to, Grey our lord and savior, had Goldy rated higher than any other site I laid these beautiful eyes upon. I didn’t want to believe it. I hate what the Diamondbacks have done with that roster, but “Master Grey” seems to be spot on with his predictions and for that I give him two snaps and a twist. With 23.5 points so far on the week, it seems big things are on the horizon. I guess Taylor Kitsch thought that too before he dropped 3 epic duds in a row.

Jason Grilli - Is this real? How long can this last? Oh wait, he’s 45 years old and pitches for the cursed Pirates of Pittsburgh? Yeah, I’m thinkin this has to end at some point right? Enjoy the ride while you can. I told Jonathan Brandis that very same thing…………

Bartolo Colon - Tired of having sex with your significant other? If so I will drill your wife for you, IF, and only if, you can tell me how Bartolo Colon is still able to pitch at the major league level and how he dropped 30.5 points in his start earlier this week. I’d say he’s worthy of being a spot starter right now, at least until the wheels fall off.

Matt Moore - Scoring 32.5 against the Yankees and holding a 4-0 record is certainly attention grabbing. You couldn’t be any more pleased with the start of the season Moore has prodded. Ok, you could nit pick, and complain about the fairly high walk rate but that would be like saying Kate Upton could lose a few pounds. Both true but definitely nitpicking. Ok, I’m starting to sound like that Nik Richie dude from the Dirty.com. I know that site isn’t what it once was but you have to respect it. How I’ve avoided being on there, I have no clue.  Anyway, Moore looks like a Cy Young candidate. Another one of Grey-dog’s predictions. His legend grows like Richard Gere’s shaft when he watches Justin Bieber music videos. Two Gere references in one post? Too much? Never!

Brett Anderson - If any of you could tell me where this peon resides, I would gladly carve FU into his Prius.

Brett Lawrie - Hoping Lawrie reverts to the form he showed the season before last. I’m also hoping I can one day can afford to stop doing snuff videos in my cousin’s basement. I can dream right?

Clay Buchholz -Though it was against the Lastros, Buchholz dominated yet again and mowed down the opposition to the tune of 10 ks. Being that I traded him for a bottom of the barrel closer, I hope he fails miserably from here on out. There is no way he can keep this up but 17 wins is not out of the question. Expect him to get rocked soon.

Mike Trout - 2.5 points on the week. Anytime now Mikey. Whenever you’re ready bud.

And there you have it. Another fantasy points league post. As per usual your questions will be responded to in a timely fashion and I will do my best to help you however I can. I’d also like to send a special shout out to Dick Capozzi for giving me 45 full seconds on last week’s podcast to try and explain points leagues to those of us not lucky enough to already be in them. Until we meet again…..

From Around The Web

  1. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    In your league is it like roto where there is little movement in the standings after the first two weeks?

    What I like about head-to-head is you get a record and you can more easily move up or down in the standings. Roto leagues have little movement and you just have one number. I like W-L-T records.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: no way man, my points leagues are all weekly head to head and you get the win/loss record. makes way more entertaining if you ask me Wallpaper. Glad to know another real man

  2. D Rich says:
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    Matt Moore has arrived!! The guy makes pitching look so natural and effortless. I guess the same way Weeks makes striking out look so effortless! Can you explain to me why every at bat goes take strike 1 and 2 down the pipe and then chase off speed stuff in the dirt?!

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: Riiiiiiiiiichy, I’d like to somehow explain Week’s ineptitude to you but I have no clue what’s happened to this piece of squirrel dung. He makes me sick and im seriously considering dropping him for Ackley ASAP

  3. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    Is John Clayton’s rod longer than his mullet? That is the question we need answered.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: I’m researching this as we speak bud. it’s something we all need to know

  4. Brian says:
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    Is this super gratuitous bedroom humor or am I just getting old? Not too old, mind you. Young enough to bang your mom but old enough for her to invite me to a wedding the next weekend.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brian: I like it, I love it, I want some more of it

  5. alex says:
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    I have Elvis andrus and I’m kind of this disappointed so far this season I was thinking of dropping him and picking up b crawford. what do you think

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @alex: In a word: NO. in 2 words: F#ck no. he will pick it up for you man. I just don’t respect B Crawford

  6. Jef says:
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    You should do a post on points-league trading. While you’re right that a lot of the rankings are similar, trades between roto leagues and points are two completely different animals when you’re not trying to fish for a certain stat.

    So maybe you can help me here. My 12-team starts 4 SP and we carry only one reserve. Unless he’s an idiot, owners keep a 5th pitcher in reserve and stream in a SP. This year I drafted “too well” on pitchers (Yu, Hamels, Moore, Zimmermann, and Minor). None of those guys are currently droppable, but it puts me at a disadvantage when I face a guy (like this week) who can stream in Beckett today and will pick up Saturday and Sunday starts on the WW. So question, would you trade Bautista and any of my SP (besides Yu) for Braun? His owner is a disgruntled Dickey owner so he’s looking for SP help, but he won’t take garbage for Braun (my BJ Upton, Austin Jackson…and I’m not trading J-Ups.) Or hold tight and enjoy the good pitching while it lasts? Thanks.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jef: I like ur ideas. Mayne Grey dog will let me start getting a few more posts in a week. IF you are going to do this I would def choose minor at first option amd try to sell high. Then zimmerman but that would sting a bit more

  7. Brendan says:
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    Alright so 2 players for a C and U spot for a weekly 12 team mixed. Gattis (ATL), Lucroy (MIL), Crawford (LAD) and Marte (PIT).

    Also who to start 5 rotation spots but Kendrick has RP so I can slide him down and take out a closer. Timmy @ ARI or Kendrick @ MIA?

    Thanks man always love the posts!!

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brendan: Gattis seems to be cooling down though a monster week wouldnt surprise me. My brain says Lucroy but my heart says Gattis as he knows it could be his last opp to receive heavy playing time. I liked Lincecum’s last start obviously and though Kendrick is facing that pathetic lineup id go timmy. Very tough call though. Kendrick might be safer(Did i just say that?)

      Glad you like the posts man. thanks for reading

  8. Kid A says:
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    Any indicator on the potential for doing a Points League 2-Start pitcher list with -50%(+/-) ownership for each upcoming week? I like your style and would like to see thoughts on potentialities.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kid A: KID A, you read my mind, and honestly that is my specialty as I’ve been winning titles for years on that strategy. Let me beg my boss for my post time. you thinking for Sundays or Fridays?

      • Kid A says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Earlier the better so moves can be planned and executed. But of course entirely dependent on scheduling.
        I realize there may be a perceived overlap with the other 2-start entry that is done, but I think yours can be differentiated by its appeal and specificity to Points league gem hunting and the ensuing discussion it provokes. The more voices the better.

    • Frank Grimes says:
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      @Kid A: love to see this too! keep up the huge comedy!

      What’s worse taking Bruce hoping Moore would make it back to me or getting caught jacking off by your GFs mom?

  9. Kobayashi Maru says:
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    I’m battling it out with a 2.3 ERA in a weekly h2h against a 2.2, we have an 8 start limit, are both halfway through, and I want to win.

    I have Paul Maholm and Kris Kedlen pitching at Detroit. I’m scared. Should I start them? My alternatives are Detwiler, Cingrani, Lohse(?), Fister, and Shelby Miller. I guess the better question is: pick 4?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kobayashi Maru: hold on a sec Kobayshi got to research it. Ok, Im back.

      medlen, miller, fist-her, and this last one is tough, but god I might actually go Detwiler

  10. Enrique says:
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    My biddy Tehol, what do you think of this trade H2H points:
    I give Fowler, B. Lawrie and Fister
    I get: Greinke and Cain

    I need sp and have aramiz on the Dl what are your thoughts?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Enrique: thats a tough one though You’d be getting an elite pitcher whenever he returns and in the national league. I like Lawrie a lot but feel like Fowler will cool down. not a bad trade

  11. Joel says:
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    How do you feel about both John Axford and Jarrod Parker? Do you have faith in Parker or is it time to cut bait? Is the Axeman back or should he stay on the chopping block?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: God he was terrible yesterday but I rode with him last season and he got the job done. kind of a detwiler type with more k potential. Axeman I would wait on. not a big man

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: though axe could have that job shortly as soon as hendy screws up once so if you have room you could swoop him

    • Frank Grimes says:
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      @Joel: Fuck Parker he really sucks right now another brilliant move by me thinking I could still draft Harvey three picks later (sure looks easy now)…stupid CBS draft room rankings I’d figured no one even would see Harvey for two more rounds. Dump his ass no one else will pick him up.

  12. Brendan says:
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    For a Utility spot choose one: Gattis, Marte, Lawrie, or Crawford

    • jesse says:
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      @Brendan: I own Crawford, and much love. Still, he is on pace for 15 RBIs. Even Ichiro Suzuki scoffs!

      • jesse says:
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        @jesse: Unless you mean Brandon Crawford

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brendan: For power potential I’d go Gatiis all around Id play my boy Marte

  13. Dan says:
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    Felix, Papelbon, AGon or Cespedes, Butler, Cobb and how close is it?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dan: Cobb’s dominance of late makes it look ok but i have to think AGOne eventually has a big year. I would favor the first 3

  14. leftsideoverhere says:
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    No kiss for Mr Grey? I’ve seen that sketch, and I think he’s getting shortchanged.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @leftsideoverhere: I have a nude photo of Grey in my home

  15. AbAdMaN says:
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    I have Shelby Miller and cingrani. Was thinking of dropping one for homer Bailey. You think I should If so which one? Thanks for the help

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @AbAdMaN: if you drop one cingrani def and i would probably make that move

  16. STEVE B says:
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    AH I remember when the columns here used to be………………..ah nevermind

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @STEVE B: not as good????? thank you for the compliment sir. it’s much appreciated

  17. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    Interested in a points league?

    Join.

    Now.

    League ID#: 205035
    League Name: Stealth R Us Points Action
    Password: joeybelle
    Season Type: Full
    Draft Type: Live Standard Draft
    Draft Time: Thu May 2 8:00pm EDT

  18. DiscoD says:
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    Would you rather have Marte, Kubel, Russell Martin, Rutledge or Infante in my UTIL spot? I’m in a 10-team yahoo points league

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DiscoD: between marte and kubel. If u want that power streak go my boy kubes

  19. slojup says:
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    Weeks or Infante ROS h2h 12 tm pts league Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @slojup: anyone but weeks bro. He is a lost soul

Comments are closed.