Greetings playas and playettes. Yes, I’m proud to announce I have the most female readers in the sports industry other than John Clayton. You wouldn’t know by looking upon him, but “Clay-bay-bay’s” Cod piece makes Dirk Diggler’s look like a popcorn shrimp in comparison. What a savage! Anyway, I’ve spent most of my day tanning, doing squat thrusts, and preparing myself for the first round of the NFL draft so it’s needless to say I was thinking about paging Grey with a 911 alert and telling him I OD’D on Viagra and had to go to the hospital, making my post for tomorrow impossible. I then came to my senses once I remembered I have two Russian mail-order brides locked in my basement and I probably will OD on Viagra soon, so better to get this post in. I’m getting my red-eye bleached tomorrow for a major shoot in Taiwan so let’s jump straight into the players who have impressed me mightily and the scrubs who make me wish I had the podcast guy’s roster. That was obviously a joke as I would never take the roadkill stashed on Capozzi’s team. Let’s do this!
Nelson Cruz – Great Nelson, bringer of wood, we thank you now for the way you swing that stick so beautifully and make us all forget your past misgivings (injuries). “Boomstick” continues to earn his nickname in dropping 25.5 fantasy points this week and I, Tehol Beddict, predict he hits 30 dongs at an absolute minimum. So what if he’s one of the most atrocious defensive outfielders I have ever witnessed in all my years. You don’t lose fantasy points because your player cost his team a World Series 2 years ago.
Dick (Rickie) Weeks – I just read that “Pretty Ricky” didn’t get his average up to over 200 until some time in July last season….. YIKES!!!! It’s happening again my friends. What’s worse: Owning Weeks or getting caught jacking off by your Mom? I’ll let you answer that one. I’m shocked this peasant has 6 points so far this week. It seems the only way he can steal or score a run is by either getting the occasional walk or hitting into a fielder’s choice. Ricky, you just made me vomit up my protein shake.
Shelby Miller – 26 points. Does Miller play on a good team? Check. Does he throw gas that even makes Grandmothers moist? Check, and that’s pretty much all you need to know about this young Jedi. Shelbs has finally arrived and looks like an absolute steal. If you waited on pitchers and took Matt Harvey and Miller I salute you, for you are more intelligent than I.
Edwin Encarnacion – Easy-E has now homered in 3 straight games and I can let out a sigh of relief after drafting him in multiple leagues. I was starting to feel pain as if a gerbil was up my rectum a la Richard Gere in the early 90’s. Or was that pleasure? The answer to that question isn’t relevant. What is relevant is the fact that Ed has scored 25.5 points so far this week and I expect many more moon shots.
Paul Goldschmidt – Well, well, well, what do you know? The one we all bow down to, Grey our lord and savior, had Goldy rated higher than any other site I laid these beautiful eyes upon. I didn’t want to believe it. I hate what the Diamondbacks have done with that roster, but “Master Grey” seems to be spot on with his predictions and for that I give him two snaps and a twist. With 23.5 points so far on the week, it seems big things are on the horizon. I guess Taylor Kitsch thought that too before he dropped 3 epic duds in a row.
Jason Grilli – Is this real? How long can this last? Oh wait, he’s 45 years old and pitches for the cursed Pirates of Pittsburgh? Yeah, I’m thinkin this has to end at some point right? Enjoy the ride while you can. I told Jonathan Brandis that very same thing…………
Bartolo Colon – Tired of having sex with your significant other? If so I will drill your wife for you, IF, and only if, you can tell me how Bartolo Colon is still able to pitch at the major league level and how he dropped 30.5 points in his start earlier this week. I’d say he’s worthy of being a spot starter right now, at least until the wheels fall off.
Matt Moore – Scoring 32.5 against the Yankees and holding a 4-0 record is certainly attention grabbing. You couldn’t be any more pleased with the start of the season Moore has prodded. Ok, you could nit pick, and complain about the fairly high walk rate but that would be like saying Kate Upton could lose a few pounds. Both true but definitely nitpicking. Ok, I’m starting to sound like that Nik Richie dude from the Dirty.com. I know that site isn’t what it once was but you have to respect it. How I’ve avoided being on there, I have no clue. Anyway, Moore looks like a Cy Young candidate. Another one of Grey-dog’s predictions. His legend grows like Richard Gere’s shaft when he watches Justin Bieber music videos. Two Gere references in one post? Too much? Never!
Brett Anderson – If any of you could tell me where this peon resides, I would gladly carve FU into his Prius.
Brett Lawrie – Hoping Lawrie reverts to the form he showed the season before last. I’m also hoping I can one day can afford to stop doing snuff videos in my cousin’s basement. I can dream right?
Clay Buchholz -Though it was against the Lastros, Buchholz dominated yet again and mowed down the opposition to the tune of 10 ks. Being that I traded him for a bottom of the barrel closer, I hope he fails miserably from here on out. There is no way he can keep this up but 17 wins is not out of the question. Expect him to get rocked soon.
Mike Trout – 2.5 points on the week. Anytime now Mikey. Whenever you’re ready bud.
And there you have it. Another fantasy points league post. As per usual your questions will be responded to in a timely fashion and I will do my best to help you however I can. I’d also like to send a special shout out to Dick Capozzi for giving me 45 full seconds on last week’s podcast to try and explain points leagues to those of us not lucky enough to already be in them. Until we meet again…..