I put a ring on every finger but the rats still askin

Cause there’s one on all of mine, I’m the sportswriter Phil Jackson

Greetings! Tis I, Beddict AKA Fantasy Soldier of Fortune AKA Tha Purple Panty Dropper AKA The Punch Line King AKA Beddict Shmurda AKA Zeus tha God-Body AKA Tha Chicken Handla, and to quote Tupac Shakur,”You ain’t never had a friend like me.” “Why is that?”, you so curiously ask yourself. Well it’s quite simple, really– Do you have any friends who will literally take hours out of their day to speak to you about your endless fantasy sports conundrums, as well as any and all life problems? Did your best friend put your soulmate in a Boston Crab and give her the piping she’d always dreamed of? Well, Dr. Beddict can assist in walking you off the ledge. Did you walk in on your sweet mother receiving back shots from the mailman with a back so hairy that at first glance you believed mom was being mauled by a bear? Again, Tehol the comforter at your service. I’m here for you, playaz and playettes, so never hesitate, for he/she who hesitates, masturbates…or something like that.

I know many of you expected me to write about my big Microsoft commercial that I shot all Sunday night with Russell Wilson, Doug Baldwin and Malcolm Smith, but I signed a contract stating that I’m not allowed to mention it anywhere or I won’t BE PAID!! Being that Tehol B. is my stage name, they may have a hard time proving in court, but let’s not push the envelope shall we?! I will say that I did catch some balls from Elder God Blessed, Russell Wilson, and that alone was worth the 15 hours on set. Yep, scratch that one off the bucket list. Anyway, we’ll save the remainder of this gem for another week. Let’s move on to bright spots and last but not least, the boners, from this past week. This is Disgrace/Delight.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings playas and playettes. Yes, I’m proud to announce I have the most female readers in the sports industry other than John Clayton. You wouldn’t know by looking upon him, but “Clay-bay-bay’s” Cod piece makes Dirk Diggler’s look like a popcorn shrimp in comparison. What a savage! Anyway, I’ve spent most of my day tanning, doing squat thrusts, and preparing myself for the first round of the NFL draft so it’s needless to say I was thinking about paging Grey with a 911 alert and telling him I OD’D on Viagra and had to go to the hospital, making my post for tomorrow impossible. I then came to my senses once I remembered I have two Russian mail-order brides locked in my basement and I probably will OD on Viagra soon, so better to get this post in. I’m getting my red-eye bleached tomorrow for a major shoot in Taiwan so let’s jump straight into the players who have impressed me mightily and the scrubs who make me wish I had the podcast guy’s roster. That was obviously a joke as I would never take the roadkill stashed on Capozzi’s team. Let’s do this!

Please, blog, may I have some more?