Devin Mesoraco was diagnosed with a torn labrum in his shoulder after missing most of last year with a torn labrum in his hip. My Latin may be off, but I believe tearing two labrums means severe vagina pain. The last thing he’ll want to do is be squatting. Devin Mesoraco now has more torn labrums than Nadia Comaneci. This torn labrum finally gives Mesoraco an alibi to his ugly. If he were going to get a torn labrum of somewhere, I would’ve thought it was his most prominent feature, his sunken eyes. Uncle Fester called, he wants his face back! Tucker Barnhart (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .298) will take over the catcher duties for Mesoraco. Barnhart has 3-homer power, so he’s not recommended outside of leagues that are Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Zack Cozart – Reds say his knee is a bit sore, but he could’ve played yesterday. Cozart sounds like he avoided being totally fugue’d.
Homer Bailey – Was shut down for a few days. Like a Mario Bros game that never made it to market, he should be back throwing meatballs in no time.
Joey Votto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he bats .231. Ugh, he’s such an all-or-nothing slugger! I just freaked out Comatose Votto Fan who has been in a coma since last year. “How’s Aroldis been? I like him too. Guys? Hello?” Comatose Votto Fan, who also likes Aroldis, you might want to sit down.
Brandon Finnegan – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Finnegan’s showing control problems like any Finnegan after drinking. For a guy that regularly had walk rates over 4 in the minors, I wouldn’t mess with him outside of the tastiest of matchups.
Angel Pagan – Has a Grade 1 strain of his hamstring. Essentially that means his hamstring can’t do basic math. Oddly enough, while Angel Pagan, which was Dan Brown least famous novel, is sidelined for a week, Gregor Blanco (1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI), the albino from The Da Vinci Code, will see starts. Though, yesterday, Mac Williamson (0-for-2, 1 run) started. I believe Mac Williamson is a blaxploitation star.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .253. Five over-the-internet dollars says he hits another two homers this week. C’mon, who wants some action?
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.61. For a guy that annually beat his xFIP, so far this year he’s the opposite. His xFIP entering yesterday’s game was 1.68 and it’s still under 3 to go with a 8.7 K/9 and 1.5 BB/9. I wouldn’t be surprised if Cueto does a big-time 180. *Jason LaRue ducks*
Mike Foltynewicz – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was called up by the Braves. Faultywirewitz had a 5.7 BB/9 in Triple-A, so I’d say they were Braves to call him up! Faultytowers is a guy I drafted in one NL-Only league, but I left him on my bench until he shows something. Yesterday, was something, but not the good kind of something.
Jace Peterson – Was optioned to Triple-A Gwinnett. What a beautiful city name, Gwinnett, I think from now on I’m going to tell Starbucks baristas that’s my name.
Ender Inciarte – Nearing a rehab assignment. I.e., the Ender is near.
Drew Stubbs – Designated for assignment. That assignment was to clear the crap out of his locker.
Chase d’Arnaud – 1-for-1 as he was called up by the Braves. Braves did all kinda of moves yesterday. Someone said something around the Braves’ front office like this, “We can’t get worse.” Reid Brignac (0-for-4) was also called up. Both d’Arnaud and Brignac are old for having no real major league experience and will now platoon at 2nd base with Daniel Castro (1-for-4) at 3rd. Castro had zero homers and one steal in Triple-A last year, so, uh, yeah, the Braves couldn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better either.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.56. The Stream-o-Nator said to start Bartolo, but I thought maybe it had a BBW thing and didn’t fully trust it.
David Wright – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer as the Mets jumped all over Falklandislandswitz early with three bombs in the first frame (Lucas Duda 1-for-3 and his 5th homer; Yoenis Cespedes 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer). Don’t worry, Brits, no one bombing Falklandislandwitz was Argentinian.
Trevor Plouffe – Will be activated from the DL today after taking part in two rehab games in Fort Myers and one wet t-shirt contest.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he bats .371 and likely heads back to the bench. Plouffe goes his value!
Ervin Santana – Will throw a simulated game today. It’s a virtual reality!
Jose Berrios – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks. Doode is all over the shop with his pitches, which is totally antithesis to how he performed in the minors. I’m trying to hold him for another start in the league where I have him, but I didn’t start him yesterday, and won’t start him next time out either.
Lance McCullers – Threw an extended spring training game. What kind of hitters does one face in an extended spring training game? All guys that missed the bus and have been too lazy to find over transportation for the last month? Is Anthony Rendon down there? I got questions, y’all!
Carlos Gomez – Missed three straight games, but is ramping up baseball activity. For him, that means slowly working his way back into striking out.
Dallas Keuchel – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.11. I didn’t want any part of him in the preseason, and told everyone to avoid him, and this is not a Buy Low opportunity. He’s not only pitching poorly, his peripherals are a mess. His walk rate skyrocketed; his velocity was never good, and now it’s atrocious; ground balls are even down, but not in the good way like, “Ground balls are down because that’s where the ground is. Dur.” No, he’s getting less of them and those were his bread and butter pickles. Stay away!
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. I’m convinced at some point this year he’s going to be one of the top three best players in the league. For a good month or two.
Preston Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Tucker: The Man and his Stream, the story of a batty call that went right.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. JB and I talk about Mazara a little bit on the podcast that is coming up later today. Nomar? Yes, mar!
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Time to look at his player page. Dot dot dot. And I’m back! Alfredo Jettucine is still an 88-MPH pitcher. That heater can’t keep you warm on a May night. You feel me? Could you stop now?
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .290. He’s raised his average 65 points in the past ten games. Don’t just stand there like a pillar, grab Pillar!
Brett Nicholas – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. Brett Nicolas is the Rangers starting catcher now. The Poison lead singer. Get him some insulin and he will rock you all night, five lady readers. Get him a bandana and he will rock you during daytime hours too. Nicholas had some power in the minors (21 HRs in Double-A), but looks like he might bat .220. Definitely worth a whirl in 2-catcher leagues. Elsewhere, this rose has its thorns.
Pablo Sandoval – Will have shoulder surgery performed by Dr. James Andrews. Dr. James Andrews is excited to tell people he worked on an elephant man. Failing to pause for a comma between elephant and man.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA down to 1.15. He’s pitching slightly worse than last year when he had a 3.79 ERA. His 7.47 K-rate — it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Gio’s K-rate! — 2.59 BB/9 and 4.12 xFIP are all inferior to his 2015 marks. But, Fonzie’s horse eats hey, who cares? He has a 1.15 ERA.
Edinson Volquez – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Stream-o-Nator continually hates on Volquez. Why can’t Edinson turn on its heartlight? Let it shine wherever you go! Leave a happy glow!
Jason Heyward – Sat out with a sore right wrist. Great, now he won’t only be hitting grounders, but they will be weak grounders.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.24. Has Hammel ever thrown more than 6 innings? Not to answer, but to ruminate with me. Or as a late-night radio show on the TV would sing, “Room…Nation!”
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 1 run and two steals (4, 5). Just the mere sight of David Ross inspires stealing. Be a cool experiment to do at Stanford. David Ross in a room with two ex-felons and a wallet on the ground.
Javier Baez – 2-for-2 as he continues to enter games in the mid-innings. Yeah, Joe can be Maddoning, but I have to say, there is a bounty of riches at his disposable. It’s like Kanye in a hall of mirrors. He can’t lose.
Gerrit Cole – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. “Hey, April was tough with Chris Archer and David Price, but at least Gerrit Cole hasn’t made me regret taking three top aces.”
Jordy Mercer – 3-for-3, 1 run, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Domingo Santana – Scratched yesterday with shoulder tightness. In his place, Presley (0-for-4, 1 run) played. The TV cameras only showed him from the waist up.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th steal and, like, his 9th steal in the past week. I’m seriously falling in love with Villar, and I’m about to send him a greeting card to properly express my feelings and it’s going to get awkward.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Damn, I nearly streamed him yesterday but Miller Park scares the stuffing out of me, leaving nothing but a dry, hollowed-out turkey.
Jered Weaver – 5 IP, 7 ER. When he looks in the mirror, he sees a young, mulleted Keuchel.
Mike Trout – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (2). Yeah, but what did Bryce Harper do? WDBHD?
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 7.98. After every pitcher faces the Padres, I picture them calling another pitcher that is scheduled to face the Padres like they’re Marvin Berry calling their cousin, Chuck. “Bartolo? It’s Jon Gray! You gotta face these Padres this week? They’re incredibly bad!”
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Shields’s peripherals are dying a slow death, and I don’t think Melisandre can bring them back.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. It’s weird how hard I have to twist arms to get people to own Khris Davis. It’s almost like psychologically he’s not as good as his namelganger, Chris Davis, so he’s just inferior and not worthy of owning. There’s not a ton of 30+ homer hitters and Davis is one.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer after he didn’t start so he could get some mental rest. If only I could’ve taken mental naps that good in high school.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. When you see Adams go up to bat, doesn’t he look like he should be wearing a dirty grilling apron?
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .403. No Diaz has been hotter since Matt Diaz faced three lefties in a row.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Channelling Chris Berman, “Ding-Wong, that pitch is dead.” Blech, I feel dirty. Like Adams’s game apron.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.68. See what I said for Keuchel. Or look eight inches above. Or twelve inches if you’re talking to a girl.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .310. He’s basically doing what I wanted from DeShizz. I will call him HerShizz. Hmm, that needs work.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. Hellickson has been better than his ERA — 9+ K/9, under-3 BB/9, under-4 xFIP — but not that good and he pitches for the Phils, so ya know, expectations.
Zach Britton – Expects to pitch again soon. It’s just a closer role, Britton, you make like you’re being asked to turn over Hong Kong to the Chinese.
J.J. Hardy – Has a left foot fracture and will miss six to eight weeks. No one wants to see anyone get hurt, but if it means Machado gets shortstop eligibility for next year, then everyone wants to see Hardy hurt. Damn, that sentence took an about face.
Hunter Harvey – Orioles pitcher prospect will have hernia surgery and miss the next four to six weeks. Harvey likes to work down in the zone and with the hernia he was high-pitched.
Josh Ravin – Dodgers right-hander was suspended for 80 games for PEDs. That’s what the Dodgers get for trying to gentrify Chavez Ravine.
