Can you get him for cheaper than he’s worth? Is panic mode setting in for his owner? Is he walking around muttering Effjols? When you look into the eyes of your opponent who owns Albert Pujols, what do you see? Do you see someone who is hiding tears, pretending they just came out of Subway and the godforsaken onion smell that you need to walk on the other side of the street to avoid has caused them to cry? Or do you see someone steeled in their resolve? If it’s the former and former is the first one, you pounce like a feral cat that you’re allergic to. A feral, I-used-to-be-tame-but-now-I’m-gonna-scratch-your-eyes-out-and-put-them-on-a-kebab-and-serve-them-with-tabouli cat! There’s no way Pujols just ups and leaves Fantasy Worthiness Land, unless the Angels accidentally signed Alburt Pujols, Albert’s evil, mustachioed brother who the Pujols family disowned 30 years ago and has been plotting his revenge ever since. (Albert) Pujols has 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs, .300 average for breakfast and then says he has room for dessert. Who has dessert with breakfast?! Albert Pujols does. You don’t trade that away for pennies on the dollar, but you do prey on the weak and buy that. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tony Campana – Campana is so steals-crazy he’s like the jittery, smoking guy who asks you where the bathroom is in a bad part of town and you instinctively hold your backpocket to make sure he doesn’t rob your wallet. That’s Tony Campana.
Luke Scott – The “Luke Scott has cooled off!” and “No, he hasn’t!” camps have moved further apart than Israel and Palestine. Right now, I’m in the “No, he hasn’t!” camp, but if the U.S. sends in a healthy Nolan Reimold, I may be swayed to flip sides.
Gerardo Parra – Almost hate promoting Parra because it means no Krispie. Member that fine brother who left his face in the Chase Field wall like Han Solo in carbon? Miss you, Krispie! Parra is a decent, not great, five category guy.
Brennan Boesch – For a while there, Boesch looked like cold soup, which is seriously nasty. Has anyone ever had cold soup that’s tasted good? I feel like you need to be an old Russian woman to like it. Anyway, Boesch is in a great spot in the lineup and now hitting.
Stephen Drew – Wondering who the next guy is that you stash on your DL and then drop him once you have to activate him? Here ya go!
Alcides Escobar – Here’s another guy I’ve be on for about two years and finally it’s looking like it might make a modicum of sense. He has nice speed and he’s actually hitting. Like peas and carrots, those two.
Bryan LaHair – Sure, you kinda want to call him B. Bryan LaHair, and don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love at first. Can I be with LaHair just one night? Nah, but I could wear him outside like a suit made of cheddarwurst. Did that rhyme? I’m not sure it matters.
Francisco Cordero – Santos isn’t returning for at least a month with shoulder issues. My best guess is Cordero saves more games than Santos this year. Actually, that’s not my best guess, but my most realistic guess. My best guess would be Lichtenstein. But that’s my best guess for every question. Why don’t they let me on Jeopardy?
Santiago Casilla – Not sure why he’s still owned in less than 50% of leagues (usually my cutoff), but he is. Wilson’s out for the year; Casilla will get saves. Don’t make me hack your fantasy account and add him!
Matt Thornton – Look up chilly in the dictionary and you find Santiago. Pun point! Could Reed be next? Could be… Well, could be a few guys, but my money’s on Thornton.
Ross Detwiler – Prior to the 2007 draft, he was considered the 2nd best lefty behind only Price. Shizz got derailed, or Detwilered. At one point, he had a 9+ K-rate and solid control. He might be a really late-bloomer. I’d prefer that than a guy that has never been anything, but had one great game *cough* Humber *cough*.
Tommy Milone - His last start was like someone playing Scramble on their iPhone. Amazing! Incredible! Genius! Wanna look behind the curtain at how I put together these Buy/Sells? Come with me, attractive-to-your-mother friend! I usually look at the most added and dropped players in ESPN, but I saw Milone wasn’t there, so I figured he was owned in so many leagues that he wasn’t applicable. But then I got thinking — hey, sometimes thinking happens. So I Googled Milone’s name to see how much he’s owned. He’s owned in 5% of leagues. (For reference point, Ryan Madson is owned in 12% of leagues; yes, the Ryan Madson that isn’t playing for 12 months.) So it wasn’t that Milone was owned, it was that he wasn’t being added. He has a 0.85 WHIP in 27 innings. If you have a middle reliever for ratio help, the best middle reliever may not have a 0.85 WHIP through 27 innings, and it would take until June to get that many innings. You might be saying to yourself, “Well, a lot of good this info does me now after he’s already thrown those innings.” A) Before his first start on April 6th, I said to Buy him. B) Going forward, I still like him for ratio help. C) Seriously, what more do you need? You’re bleeding me dry of fantasy baseball ‘pertness!
Jason Hammel – As mentioned the other day, he gets the Bronx jeers in his next start, but you should own him.
Trevor Bauer – He’s on his way. Eventually. How do I know? I read it on Twitter along with something Ashton Kutcher’s assistant wrote anonymously. If you have room on your team, move the mattress you saturated in cat urine to hide the weed smell and stash Bauer.
Jarrod Parker – Parker’s no poseur you indie, black-rimmed glasses kid, but if you grab him, because of his jersey, you can tell your friends you’re going green. Even pick him up using your iPhone while driving your Prius and not paying attention to the road so you run over a pedestrian.
Ike Davis – How about those fences coming in, huh? Good ol’ Metco! You know when I’ll be excited by Mets hitters? When they move the fences behind home plate. I don’t mean the fences that are behind there already. I mean, moving the outfield fences to the other side of home. Bunt homers! That’s what I’m looking for. Davis’s own manager sold him down the river when a lefty came out of the bullpen, pinch hitting for him. In shallower leagues, make like Tina and drop Ike. In deeper ones, I’d probably shove him to my bench with Adam Dunn or whatever schmohawk you’re fatally attached to.
Mark Reynolds – I was trying to hold out hope for Mini Donkey but he looks like he’s headed for a Big Donkey circa 2011 season. A slump for a guy that strikes out nine out of five times to the plate is death. What’s that smell in here? “Grey’s cleaning out some mold that was forming in my fridge! I’ll be up in a second to clip your toenails!” That’s you talking to your Mom.
Gaby Sanchez – “My Mom’s busting my chops and Yo Gaby Gaby was in the last Sell column! Get to the good ones!” Okay, moving on.
Derek Jeter – You know who’s smiling right now? Minka. Let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” I have nothing against Jeter. Maybe he’s going all Zombino and eating the hearts of pitchers all year. Though I seriously doubt that. Do you remember how low he was going in drafts this year? Do you remember why? Because he’s been The Sexiest Man Alive That Can’t Hit 12 Homers Or Steal 20 Bases. Is he hot garbage? Did you just dump a fresh off a hot plate Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity into the trash? No? Then he’s not hot garbage. He should hit around .300 and get around 10-ish homers and steals. Yippee! Whooooooo cares? I’ll take Altuve and see Jeter on the other side of I still don’t care. His name value is so much more valuable than actual value. I wouldn’t trade him for a five DVD set of Step By Step’s third season, but I’d explore options.