Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year. He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery. Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break? First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis. What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery? Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor? Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon. Macrosurgery is the 102 class. That’s a little known fact — literally! For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL. You’re welcome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs. Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story. So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues. Then there was a buzzing noise. This buzzing noise meant something. You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something. If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.” “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?” “The only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.” “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues. In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.” Long pause. “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story. I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:
Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL. I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy. Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing? That would be so awesome. On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Cliff Lee aka The Adverb got through the Gnats like a subject and a predicate. Pitches so sharp, Lee will cut your head off. Selig is the commissioner. You no wanna start Leezy, he is the Finisher. Stop playin’, he do it like a King do. Pitch! Lee flow like scuba, pitch, Lee’s bold like Cuba and The Adverb blow right through ya! Sorry, I kinda love that song and I’m not even a huge Lil’ Wayne fan. (Note: Rudy just read that and needs Chad Billingsley’s grandmother Barbara to help translate that jive like in Airplane) Any the hootie hoo! For fantasy purposes, there’s not much to say. The Adverb lit up the scoreboard… Brilliant Lee. He’s a number one. You knew that. Moving on, snitches. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – After first being reported here after inferring shizz from other news sources, Aroldis is being shutdown for a few days. Doctors are saying he got Dustied. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade. The drug trade! Many people move to Florida to retire. Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order. Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease. I’m now an officially retired baseball player. I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.” First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy. Manny’s a kept man! The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld. We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer. Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects. He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011. If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth. Is he much more than SAGNOF? Yes and no. He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases. There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12. If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford. More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford. Say a Carlford. You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!” And that’s us quoting Grey! In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’. Or poor if you’re a completist. Or poo, if you’re a middlist. Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power. Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else. Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks. That’s a Weaver family record! Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now’s the time when we put all of our 2011 baseball predictions in one place. Then in October we can look back at this and laugh. Oh, and we will laugh. Big, bellowing, seat of your pants laughs. Hindsight is indeed 20/20. But where’s the harm in setting ourselves to look like jackasses? We run a fantasy baseball blog, after all. Grey’s picks in RED. Rudy’s picks in BLUE. Anyway, here’s our predictions for baseball’s post-season awards and whatnot:
AL Pennant Winner – Detroit Tigers – The Yankees would’ve been the easy choice here, but I’m a small market kind of guy. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Bautista hit his 39th and 40th home runs last night. As frequent commenter, VinWins, pointed out yesterday, in the Blue Kays last 162 games, Bautista has 50 homers. Okay, I was way off with this guy, but Jose Bautista didn’t see this year coming. His own mother doesn’t recognize him. Every morning he wakes up wondering if the last five months were a dream. This is the craziest home run year since Scooter McGillicuddy blasted 6 homers in 1901 while battling scurvy. Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in twice as many games. His HR/FB% is nearly double his career mark. His fly balls are through the roof, literally. His Isolated Power is near Babe Ruth’s career mark. The HR department thinks Bautista lied on his resume. A mouth enters on the left side of the screen and says, “Im,” a mouth enters on the right side and says, “Probable.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. Hello, beautiful. I hate AL East pitchers, but I might just own Morrow on all of my teams next year. Right after, I draft Daniel Hudson. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Almost a 11 K/9 in the minors is, uh, Mike Minor. He major, Kanye. I hope Roberto Kelly doesn’t come back to visit the Braves because when R. Kelly sees a minor, urine trouble! So should you play some Gary Glitter if you’re lusting after this Minor? In 118 2/3 IP this year, he has 144 Ks and 44 walks. Hello, beautiful. Want me to continue? Of course you do. You’re greedy. In Triple-A through five starts, his ERA is 1.99 while rocking a .171 BAA. He probably only has around 7 starts left in his arm this year before the Braves shut him down, but that’s all right, no one has many starts left. Minor’s a must grab in NL-Only and keepers. In mixed leagues, I’d grab him for his first start vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league. “Good cut, Chris!” Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee! Hit the damn ball!” Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better. Enter Jorge Cantu. Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest. Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home. I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot. Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August. Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool? Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts. He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year. I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey. January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”
Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base. For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose. The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B). Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder. Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace? Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus. If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material. He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year. Though it was in the PCL. BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup. I don’t even remember who I was talking about. Oh, Brett Wallace! Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Someone’s getting comped at the Tampa Airport Hooters! Matt Garza threw the Rays first no-hitter yesterday. He hypnotized the Tigers with the Garza Strip on his chin. With all due respect to Ernie Harwell, the EH on the Tigers uniform could easily refer to the lineup without Ordonez and Guillen. If there’s one guy you want to face with a no-hitter on the line, it’s Don Kelly… And Gerald Laird… And Ramon Santiago. Please, blog, may I have some more?