And if Vince V. is so money, it would make the Padres a bunch of Swingers. Seriously, tell me Vince Velasquez wasn’t money? He struck out 16, baby. He only gave up three hits, baby. He is a beautiful baby, baby. C’mon, he’s so money. You gotta grab him, baby, you gotta. Call him up on waivers, go ahead, c’mon, baby, call him up. “Hi, uh, this is a random fantasy baseballer, which is, uh, Grey’s mom’s term. I saw you struck out 16, uh, Padres, in a shutout and I was, uh, wondering–” Machine beeps. Call back, baby! Velasquez wants you to! “Hi, Mr. Velasquez, it’s me again. Ha, silly movie answering machines always shutting off prior to a message ending. I mean, who even has answering machines like this anymore–” Machine beeps. C’mon, baby! You’re almost through that message! Then you can go on to direct Iron Man and be the namelganger for a Washington speech writer, while I can go do a lot of blow with Jennifer Aniston and singlehandedly ruin True Detective playing essentially myself. You gotta, baby! You are so money! So, Vince Velasquez went 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 16 Ks, and if he’s still on waivers in your league, I want to be in your league. Yes, you should grab, like yesterday (preferably before his last start). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Stumpf – Suspended 80 games for PEDs. He was busted for dehydrochlormethyltestosterone. I’d have a rule, if you can pronounce that to order it, you can take it.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Pom is a guy you can stream in shallower leagues to good results the better part of the year or own in deeper leagues. I also think Pom tastes like a drink for people who like cranberry juice but wanted extra unsavoriness.
Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 13 Ks in 104 pitches. I see your beautiful baby, Vince V., and I raise you a night out at The Dresden with a young Heather Graham. Only she’s dressed like Rollergirl, i.e., naked. Holy schnikeballs! I wanna part of Jaime Town like Jesse Jackson! (By the by, the Himey town reference, only 32 years old. And you say we can’t appeal to millennials! Puh-leeze!) So, if Garcia were out there, I would grab him, because what do you have to lose? Well, I wouldn’t lose a #3 SP or better though, either. So, if that’s what you’re losing, then no go.
Jeremy Hazelbaker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’d like to now recite the poem I wrote for the Cardinals lineup. “Rub-a-dub-dub. Three men in a tub. Matt Adams accidentally ate the butcher, Hazelbaker and don’t hold a candle by my Wong, that’s my babymaker.” Okay, needs work. As for Hazelbaker, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, just as he was in last week’s, and will continue to appear as long as he continues to hit and stays under 50% owned.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’m pretty sure the Cardinals could take Rusney Castillo and make him an All-Star outfielder. Not entirely sure what it is, I’m sure some would say it’s because they have the best fans in baseball, but they’d only be saying that to elicit cheap applause from those same fans. This team made Jon Jay look good! (Speaking of Jon Jay, I heard the nickname, The Federalist, we gave him in 2011 has finally caught on. I checked Google, we were the first ones publicly to call him that. In 2011, no one was talking about Jon Jay, trust me. So, between writing this blurb and the next blurb, I taught myself how to edit Wikipedia — that only took 3 hours! And I still did it wrong! If I were the type to el oh el, now would be the time.)
David Murphy – Signed with the Twins. “Management, which is a formal way of speaking, please allow me to continue. We need to do something to fix the team, and I think I have the solution. David Murphy!” Management looks around, “Will he cost less than a million dollars? Then we have a deal!”
Byron Buxton – Got hit on the hand by a pitch, but x-rays on his hand came back negative. Tests on his swing were negative too.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 1st steal. Since no one, not even Eddie’s family, wants any part of Rosario, I’m watching him to see if he can have fantasy value as I predicted in the preseason. He was batting 2nd yesterday. Cust kayin’.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. For some reason, I’m reminded of that stupid Wandy Line that Snafu Larry came up with years ago. It said Wandy Rodriguez was the cut off of ownable and not ownable in shallow mixed leagues, and it was such a crock that made no sense because Wandy hadn’t been good for five years. With that said, the Ervin Berlin Wall, separates the owned pitchers from the free.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Yeah, he faced the A’s and Twins in his first two matchups. Though, he gets the lifeless Angels (pun!) next. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it but I could see giving him a try.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .207. Avisail has become such a non-entity, and, due to switching back and forth between box scores, I saw A. Garcia hit a homer and at first I was like, “Damn, I have to pick up Adonis Garcia quickly.”
Chris Archer – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dictionaries are out of print. People don’t put pictures next to definitions in online dictionaries. So, Archer, you can stop trying to get your picture next to inefficient.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5 and a slam (1) and double helping of legs (2, 3). Down with the King of SAGNOF for years, about ten of ’em! Recruiting suckers, Pompey and Gose, and makin’ men of ’em! Hamstring tears and fears of hamstring tears for my peers, they rippin’ ’em! You think that it is, it is, if not it isn’t, um…Huh? That’s Runjai DMC!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Nice big fly, Byrd.
Jason Kipnis – 0-for-2, 3 BBs and 2 steals (1, 2). Kipnis getting hot just in time for Passover. “That slide was unleavened!” That’s Kipnis sliding into 2nd.
Tyler Naquin – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .444 in nine ABs this year. Guess he won the starting job (if someone doesn’t show up at the park). The preseason news must’ve left off the parenthetical.
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.79. Fun fact! A 79er is when you accidentally knee your partner in the head.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This is also the 2nd time I’ve pointed out that I called him a sleeper. Coincidence? Hmm…
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Not looking bad at all with his move to the AL, of course, this game was against an NL team. Thanks, Selig!
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal. Kinsler asked that “1st steal” be spelled “Israel.”
Justin Masterson – Signed with the Pirates. This is like when those detergent commercials prove they can get out blood stains, chocolate, oil, puke, you name it. Here, Ray Searage, see if you can clean this filthy Masterson.
David Freese – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .342. Stop making Clint Hurdle look smart for batting you third! Revert, you schmohawk, revert!
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 6 ER. Hey, you can do what you want to do, but what you think you’re proving to the world by owning Teheran, like you’re smarter than everyone else, is actually proving the opposite.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. Set yourself a pretty nice bar when you go 1-for-4 with a grand slam and it feels like a letdown.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Catcher questions will commence in 3, 2, 1…
Stephen Strasburg – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.98. Only another five and a half months of that to make up for last year. C’mon, you promised!
Doug Fister – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Kennedy-Fister matchup was billed as the Marilyn Monroe game. For more on Kennedy, check out Big Magoo’s Ian Kennedy fantasy feature-ma-whosie. He’s a fan.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I have an idea for Altuve, after he hits a home run, he should scream, “I’m a grown ass man!” As he does whenever he tries to get on a rollercoaster.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Moistasskiss! (Let someone try to steal this home run call and I will be incorrectly editing more Wikipedia pages.)
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many days. It’s been in Coors, which, honestly, doesn’t make it less wonderful. C’mon, Rockies, trade for Belt, you need a 1st baseman and suspenders are outdated!
Matt Cain – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. True story: I bought Cain for $1 in an NL-Only league. Thought about it for about five minutes and dropped him the next day.
Charlie Blackmon – Hit the DL with turf toe. Here’s an image of how bad turf toe could get (not for the squeamish). Blackmon thinks he should be back in early-May. But, as Bill Blasio would say, that’s CP time. Gerardo Parra (2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer) will take over in center, which balances the minority hiring, and Ben Paulsen (1-for-3, 1 RBI) will see more time in left. Raburn and Barnes remain platoon players. Raburn and Barnes do sound like a hilarious 1950’s comedy team. Say good night, Barnes. Good night, Barnes. Hilarious!
Tony Wolters – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (1, 2). As long Nick Hundley returns, there’s nothing to see here, but if Hundley thinks there’s literally nothing to see here because he has a concussion, then Wolters could have value in NL-Only leagues.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Here’s the science behind streaming hitters in Coors. If they’re in Coors, you stream them.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.94. I’ve never seen someone throw balls harder right into the sweet spot of hitters’ bats.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Out of all my schmohawks, I figured Tulo would go down with a big injury before Schwarber or Pollock. But, I guess, there’s still 95% of the season!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’ll admit it, a little part of me thought Donaldson would disappoint this year. No, not that part. And it’s not little!
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.22. I say this every preseason, but it seems to get ignored. Not only is there a ton of pitching late, but young pitchers should not be avoided. Raisel, Stroman, Velasquez, Salazar, all very young. And that was just today!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s pieced together big weeks before, and it might be blown out of proportion due to it being the beginning of the season, but it feels like Trumbo might finally have that 35-homer season.
Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Bit of a let down after his no-hit bid in his first career start. Still, solid beginning to his career for a guy that was never meant to amount to anything. Wow, I sound like an 80’s movie father. Even with the nice two starts, there’s nothing here outside NL-Only leagues and streaming.
Robbie Ray – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. With that walk to strikeout rate, Ray shouldn’t have any biters. Biters? Damn, I’m still in the 80’s.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Him and Kennedy are like the last two older guys that feel safe, and Hammel, while is a decent middle rotation guy, he’s obviously not a 0.75 ERA pitcher and, next time out, I expect him to taste some runs in Busch. Hehe. That’s dirty.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Homeslice loves him some hitting in Wrigley. It’s his own personal Coors.
Addison Russell – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. With as much tinkering as Maddon does, and he does a lot, he’s moved Russell out of the bottom of the order, how many times? Five. That’s how many at-bats he’s had above the six hole in 503 career at-bats. And those five at-bats came in the five hole.
Raisel Iglesias – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 2 Ks, 1 homer allowed, ERA up to 3.24. I guess I should’ve listened to the Stream-o-Nator; it predicted a line of 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 Hits, 2 BBs, 1 homer allowed and 6 Ks. The one part it was wrong on (Ks) would’ve favored me. Ugh, Church!
Devin Mesoraco – Continues to sit and wallow in his ugliness. You’d think a guy that could stick a light bulb in his mouth and light it up would be able to turn it on at any time.
Pablo Sandoval – His former trainer said Sandoval needs a “baby sitter.” Damn, I feel bad making fun of Sandoval all that time about his weight. He wasn’t fat, he was pregnant.