Yesterday was the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. In that post, I dazzled your retinas and made your brain say, “This guy is some kind of beautiful. Damn, I wish I were gay like that guy I used to share a bed with in college. Platonically.” Within these twenty outfielders, there’s some guys I’m excited about and some guys I don’t like at all. It’s important to read the whole post, even if you’re not reading this sentence. I think that’s irony, but I’m not sure; you need to ask a British person to be sure. All the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are there. As always, where my tiers start and stop and my projections are included. Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball:
41. Dexter Fowler – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. This tier ends at Venable. I called this tier, “Brace yourself for disappointment.” When he ended up on the Astros, here’s what I wrote, “When hitters are naughty and don’t steal 40-effin’ bases when they’re capable, Santa sends them to the Astros.” That’s Scott Boras explaining Fowler’s trade to the Astros for Jordan Lyles and Brandon Barnes (more on them in a second; I’m kidding, I’m not going to talk about them ever again.) We all know that if you play The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’s DVD commentary backwards, it says, “Any player traded to the Astros will immediately lose fantasy value.” Without the community outreach program in Colorado, Coors Aids Hitters, I don’t think Fowler is going to top his 12 homers from last year, especially after he hit all of four after May 1st. He could steal 45 bases. The pregunta is will he? I doubt it, but it won’t hurt being on a team that has nothing to lose (which is an optimist’s “nothing to play for”).” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2014 Projections: 74/10/42/.267/22
42. Austin Jackson – His 2013 was: 99/12/49/.272/8, i.e., nice/burp/belch/bleh/fart. He was a reverse butter face. Now he’s not even batting leadoff, so his reverse butter face is breaking out in a rash. I contemplated moving him much further down in the rankings, but the talent is here for 10+ homers, 25+ steals. He’s yet to approach those numbers and he’s now 27 years old so time’s running out. 2014 Projections: 76/15/72/.268/14
43. Torii Hunter – This is around the point in the rankings when guys who get 90 runs and/or RBIs with a solid average could sneak in without doing anything exceptional. Torii Hunter: Everything Okay, Nothing Exceptional. Exciting, huh? Almost like sharing a sponge bath with an elderly person. As for Hunter’s projections, there’s a chance that Hunter moves down in the order, so his runs and RBIs would flip like Rey Mysterio. 2014 Projections: 77/17/90/.288/5
44. Nelson Cruz – If no one signs Nelson Cruz, I bet the baseball players union files a grievance, which will come a few weeks after it was announced they wanted to kick A-Rod out of the union. Hypocrisy is one part millionaire and two parts ‘fighting the good fight.’ Reminds me of Rebecca Rimel from the movie The Art of the Steal, which I recommend if you haven’t seen it on Netflix streaming. Such BS it makes me mad and ill and that’s not entirely because I just ate at El Pollo Loco. I think Cruz will find a one-year deal somewhere before the season starts. I also hope it’s a deal with a team that doesn’t have an outfielder above where I’m ranking him. His projections are for a neutral stadium/lineup. If he lands in Coors (unlikely) or as a 4th outfielder, I’ll adjust. 2014 Projections: 60/25/74/.259/6
45. Will Venable – The two hole for the Padres is like a two hole for anyone right after leaving El Torito. Last year, Venable hit leadoff or out of the two hole 65% in 151 games and had 64 runs. Dubya tee eff, Padres, get your shizz together; I am laughing at you. Venable can get 90 runs…if he’s traded to the Yankees and bats 8th for 80 games. Then throw in his HR/FB of 19.8%, when his career norm was 12.6%, and Petco. Amounts to a pretty harsh buzz. I nearly dropped him lower, but a guy that can hit 15 homers and steal 20+ bases deserves a little action in the rankings, just not too much. 2014 Projections: 61/15/49/.255/22
46. Avisail Garcia – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Cain. I call this tier, “I’m uncomfortably excited about these guys.” Already went over my Avisail Garcia fantasy. I wrote it while wondering why everything isn’t seedless. Do we really need seeded watermelons? 2014 Projections: 75/18/79/.287/14
47. Leonys Martin – Martin can’t hit lefties and his lineup position isn’t set in stone. I’m going a bit on my gut here, but Ron Washington loves speed, um, stealing bases. Rangers stole a ton of bases last year. I get the sense that Washington also really likes Martin. I could see Martin hitting second vs. righties and staying in the lineup vs. lefties, though probably batting ninth. Depends if Washington’s crazy enough to put two lefties at the top of his lineup vs. righties. Best case scenario, he learns how to hit lefties (he is only 25) and becomes a breakout guy. Worst case scenario, he washes your favorite pair of sweatpants and shrinks them three sizes. Most realistic scenario… 2014 Projections: 68/10/55/.265/29
48. Michael Brantley – As soon as I finish the rankings, I’m gonna drop on you a Michael Brantley sleeper. I’m going to drink three cans of Fanta and write that sucker like you’ve never seen anyone write before, or pay someone $1.50 on Craigslist to write it. Haven’t decided yet. I love Brantley due to his speed in the minors that has to be in his gams somewhere and his ability to hit for some pop. 2014 Projections: 69/12/77/.280/20
49. Brett Gardner – Shoot me for getting excited about Gardner every year. My enthusiasm is very simple: a guy that can hit ten homers and steal 50 bases is interesting to me. This is probably the last season for Gardner and me. He’s thirty years old and the Yankees hate him. He should’ve been the leadoff hitter for the last three years, but they went with everyone but him, which is better than Everything But The Girl, but barely. Gardner should play every day, but there’s Ichiro (yes, that sounded like I just woke from a four-year coma). 2014 Projections: 64/7/54/.279/22
50. Carl Crawford – Really nothing to go on here, except I have a gut feeling he could have a Zombino-type year before fading into the lore of fantasy and onto the pages of fantasy encyclopedias that are bound by extra long strands of Big League Chew. Puig, Hanley, A-Gon, Kemp are behind him. Pitchers have to throw him fastballs. He needs to sit on them. Then he needs to run while the pitchers are preoccupied with the hitters following him. At least that’s my theory. 2014 Projections: 82/10/51/.270/22
51. B.J. Upton – He’s only one year removed from a solid fantasy year, but boy was last year an egregious display of all that is unholy. His year made fantasy owners heads spin and puke pea soup while they waited for someone to exorcise Upton from their team. Upton’s 2013 made Ron Shandler roll over in his hyperbaric chamber (c’mon, how else does he stay so young?). Upton was so bad…How bad was he?!…He was so bad his fantasy owners refused oral sex just so they didn’t have to think about him. Could he rebound at 30 years old? Sure, but I wouldn’t expect a .275, 20/30 season. 2014 Projections: 47/15/61/.229/19
52. Kole Calhoun – I already gave you my Kole Calhoun fantasy. I wrote it while in an interstate restroom. 2014 Projections: 68/14/62/.289/10
53. Khristopher Davis – Here’s what I said at the end of last year, “You don’t have to only be excited about owning him for the possibility of verbally swindling another owner. “No, you verbally agreed to trade me Kershaw for Khris Davis. I don’t care if you thought it was that other guy.” Same name chicanery is as old as the Bible. In 25 AD, a guy by the name of Jesus Krist showed up drunk to his job, soaking wet, and got a bye when he said he was walking on water. Many years later, the Roman empire invaded Britain because of a prank call by Klaudius Seesir. For three years, Tori Spelling thought she married the guy from The Practice, only recently finding out it wasn’t Dylan McDermott but Dean McDermott, so you see this is nothing new. Neither is Khris Davis’s power.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m not too concerned that he’s currently set to bat eighth, which is death in the NL. If he hits and Aramis gets hurt as he’s wont to do, Davis will move up to fifth in the order. It actually just makes more sense for ‘topher Davis to hit fifth. He could hit 30 homers without killing you on average. Coulds and woulds are different things though. I could do a duet with Wiz Khalifa called, “Grey Da Boss” and spit such wicked rhymes that Amber Rose leaves Wiz for me and my Cougar welcomes Amber and Wiz Jr. into our home. Will this happen? Prolly not. ‘Topher’s 30 homers and a solid average seem more likely, but neither are necessarily probable. His K-rate was 22.2%, which isn’t great, but not nearly as bad as his namelganger. Some have concerns that his swing is long and ‘topher Davis could be made to sit between the driver and passenger by major league pitching. Realistically, I see a guy that could have a huge breakout season until about June then get exploited. Definitely worth taking a flyer on since the amount of guys with 30-homer upside is about ten, and none this late. As with other guys in this tier, I might still write a ‘topher Davis sleeper post too. 2014 Projections: 61/24/70/.245/7
54.Christian Yelich – I already went over my Christian Yelich fantasy. I wrote it while waiting for Yelich to be carded for a PG-13 movie. 2014 Projections: 76/11/51/.278/22
55. Alejandro De Aza – The White Sox have something to be excited about this year. I like me some Adam Eaton, Avisail Garcia and De Aza. Hopefully, it’s enough for the White Sox for me to be excited and they don’t try anything stupid and take away De Aza’s playing time. You tried Viciedo, it didn’t work out, move on. That’s what I say and that’s me saying it! 2014 Projections: 75/10/54/.268/20
56. Adam Eaton – Here’s what I wrote when he ended up in Chicago, “Eaton gets a nice boost in value too as he becomes the White Sox’s centerfielder. Why’d the White Sox trade for a guy that will only hopefully give them what De Aza was already doing? I don’t have a clue. Maybe they wanted to mix it up. It’s like when I’m enjoying my peach-flavored Sodastream seltzer and then I decide to drip some of my peach-flavored nicotine juice that’s meant for my vaporizer into my seltzer and I feel like I’m gonna get a heart attack from the overload of wonderful. That’s probably why. Or they’re just stupid.” And that’s me quoting me! 2014 Projections: 78/8/59/.268/21
57. Lorenzo Cain – What can I say about Cain that hasn’t been said before? In college, he worked as a sign spinner for a cellphone repair shop. That hasn’t been said before, but isn’t accurate either. Cain…Sugar! will only be 28 years old and has 12-homer power and 20-steal speed. It’s not the meow’s cat, but it’s nothing to sneeze at either unless you’re allergic to number four outfielders. 2014 Projections: 60/12/64/.269/19
58. Marlon Byrd – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. I call this tier, “If drafting any of these guys gives you an erection for longer than four hours, seek medical attention.” Signed in the offseason by the Phillies who are attempting to go younger. I’m not being sarcastic. Compared to the rest of their team, Byrd is an injection of youth. Remember, this is a team who saw the value in signing Bobby Abreu this year after he retired two years ago. As with the rest of the Phillies team, they are just praying that all the clocks in the world stop spinning and their guys continue to produce like previous years. Or they’re starting a softball league. 2014 Projections: 59/18/73/.272/3
59. Corey Hart – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball.
60. Martin Prado – Went over him already in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball.
