The Diamondbacks decided now is the time to call up Yasmany Tomas! Hold on, exclamation mark, let’s examine. !, “Do we have to? I’m a sucker for excitement.” Tomas was only hitting .190 in Triple-A. !, “Hmm, this isn’t gonna end well.” The Diamondbacks aren’t exactly setting the world on fire. !, “It’s getting better.” But they have been more than fine in the outfield, and he can’t play 3rd base. !, “Oh, that.” With a karate kick and few words, Diamondbacks GM, Dave Stewart, said Tomas would be a bench bat. !, “I’m out of here.” Stewart said he would’ve liked Tomas to stay in Reno longer, but he was already on the 40-man roster, so they called him up. Yasmany said, “Who ate my English Muffins? I wrote my name on them! Hello? Amigos?” Tomas is fine as a flyer in deep leagues in case he catches on, but it doesn’t look like he’s going to get much playing time out of the gate. Assuming he can get through said gate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Carrasco – His jaw is the only thing bothering him and he will start on Monday. It’s like the heavens opened and my childhood dead dog, Lollipops, wearing a crown of dollar bills like a Puerto Rican bride, dropped his bone and barked out, “I have wooferful news,” and so it was done. Okay, it’s my fantasy, leave me alone.
Devin Mesoraco – Reds are hoping he can play in a week. Usually clubs DL players who aren’t really injured just so they can make extra room on their roster. Letting an injured guy sit on your bench for almost two weeks is a new strategy. Seems designed by Jose Altuve’s brother, Dopey.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hmm, this is interesting. So, Wood’s never been much of a strikeout guy and throws like it (88 MPH fastball), but he’s throwing his slider more and has a 9+ K/9 thru two starts. It’s still way too early, but I’ll be watching him. Watching Wood, loving Wong, I need to get a room with myself!
David Wright – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. The Mets recalled Eric Campbell, no relation to Dave or the soup. I bid a ton on him in one NL-Only league because I had Kelly Johnson starting (don’t ask). Campbell was hitting well in Triple-A (PCL, the stats don’t matter, don’t ask). Likely he’s a short-term call-up, but for those in deep leagues, I’d look at him.
Jon Niese – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. This was a great call by the Stream-o-Nator yesterday. A lot better than when it calls every calculator, “Daddy.”
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .333. Happy to see this, and I don’t own him. I’m just glad to see it so that’s a few less people asking if they should drop him. D’Arnaud is not a contraction of drop Arnaud.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .353. It was giveaway day at Metco yesterday. The Phillies were in town, so they were giving away hits.
Jeff Francoeur – 0-for-3 as he hit cleanup. Frenchy hitting cleanup is like a Frenchy hitting with a baguette.
Cody Asche – 3-for-3, hitting .500. All kidding aside, doode’s about the hottest schmotato in the land. (Yes, I said “doode’s about the hottest schmotato in the land” and that wasn’t kidding, and you didn’t take it as kidding either.) Grab him!
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting leadoff. Aw, man, Revere is six ways to screwed.
Justin Verlander – Felt fatigue after yesterday’s simulated game. Anyone know if Kate Upton was in town?
Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 2 Ks, though Simon prefers if you write that he had an, “A K and a K.”
Rajai Davis – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The King of SAGNOF hit it over the wall to all the Wildlings.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-2 and his 4th steal, hitting .481. Still don’t believe he’ll keep it up, but see no reason why he’s not owned until he starts, uh, stopping.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 2.08 ERA so far. Liriano’s looking like the number one I thought he was last year in the 1st half, when he wasn’t, then went on to be in the 2nd half, when I no longer thought it. That make sense? Meh, close enough!
Yasiel Puig – Missed another game due to his hamstring. Puig sidelined by a hamstring sounds like a lost verse from the Alanis Morissette Ironic song.
Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 17.18. Okay, but if you combine it with his spring ERA it’s only like 6. Hey, it was a nice thought and at some point Walker will breakout, but you can’t keep running him out on your fantasy team.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. He’s StanozoLMFAO all the way to the bank!
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. Sure, I would’ve liked to see him go deeper, but nine sit-down-shut-ups in five innings isn’t bad at all. I’m still holding him.
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. MLB’s front office watching A-Rod, “Every time we think we have him out. He pulls back in.”
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I called him a sleeper this offseason. He’s on pace for 60 homers and is hitting .292. Small sample size yadda-squared, but is he doing anything to not warrant being owned? Rhetorical!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .161. Hopefully this will get him out of his slump of… How long has it been? Has he been good since, like, the first month of his rookie year?
Devon Travis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .300. Not to get all New Agey, but I reek of patchouli and The Secret tells me to put it out there and it will happen, so let’s move Donaldson to the five hole and Travis to the two hole. Thanks, Uni! (Uni is what I call the Universe; nicknames and all.)
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. After the Jays games end, I feel like closing my fantasy team browser window because I know all the offense I’m gonna get is done.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I will say this about his homers. He be hurting pitches.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Hey, Jays, save some offensive drubbings for when Saunders returns!
Dalton Pompey – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Yes, he does have 40-steal speed, but he also has some power. Yes, that is good.
Steven Souza – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. For about a week Souza was playing Yakety Sax, but now it looks like he’s moved onto some more contemporary tunes like the Homer Horn Concerto.
Erasmo Ramirez – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Clearly, me calling him a sleeper wasn’t last year’s reason.
Edinson Volquez – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks vs. the Twins. It should’ve been a walk, but what’s important is he’s not giving up walks. I’m a poet and I don’t even have to rhyme! He has a 1.15 BB/9 thru two games and gets these same Twins again on 4/20. Smoke a doobie, and give him a shot.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. There’s good news and bad news. Good news is he homered. Bad news is he’s still totally lost vs. lefties. If you own him, you must platoon him. Or I’ll be Arcia you later!
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Funny story! I was changing in the gym locker room and this old naked man said his name was Nolan and I hugged him. Okay, not funny at all!
Tyler Matzek – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. An okay streamer in deeper leagues when on the road, but he had a 4+ ERA in Triple-A and starts half the time in Coors and by the time I reached the end of this sentence I don’t even really want him in deep leagues.
Casey McGehee – Sat out again yesterday with a knee bruise, which has made for some confusion around the Giants clubhouse. The trainer asks, “Is your knee okay?” and he says, “It’s pronounced Mick-Gay-He.”
Matt Duffy – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .292. No rush, Okay Knee!
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t have dropped him? Heard.
Collin McHugh – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Member ESPN used to have that stupid Wandy Line? Everyone above it was ownable, below it was not ownable. Only they did it about 4 years past its relevancy. Okay, so there’s a McHugh Line. Everyone who understands that McHugh is a beast is a smart fantasy baseball player. Everyone who sees the Astros and thinks McHugh isn’t that good is a dope.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. When he gets to 27 homers, we’ll look back and laugh about how you dropped him in the first week. Though, not laughing with you.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. I’m pretty Val-meh-na on him.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Total confirmation bias because I own him, but I like Lance Lynn and I’m not afraid to admit it. Damn, I sound well-adjusted! Is well-adjusted hyphenated? Someone tell me, please! I can’t take it, aaahhhh!!!
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. The moral of this story is it’s one thing to throw 95 MPH on average, and it’s another to throw 95 MPH in the zone and get pounded.
Carlos Gomez – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. See CarGo to the DL? P to the erhaps.
Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. It wasn’t that long ago that Morrow was the meow’s cat and now he’s pitching home games in Petco, i.e., what’s not to like?
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 3rd homer, hitting .351 and has hit in every game so far. Meanwhile, Melvin Upton babysits Justin’s bats.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Au shizz!
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting over .400. Too bad he’s not Polish, then some fantasy baseball ‘perts could at least excuse their extreme love of Pollock.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Solid enough game but it was vs. the Padres. Wait, is that good or bad? I can’t remember what groupthink has landed on.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s a Hechavarria good day, but very un-Hechavarria.
Michael Morse – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st home run. Were these the first homers that the Marlins hit all year? I feel like Selig stuck them with some anti-steroids on the way out the door. It’s not a conspiracy theory if the likelihood of it being true is high. Or so says Tupac, who is living currently in The Bahamas.
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. I bet he’s glad he didn’t retire. *cut to the Marlins 3-6 record, cut to three people in the stands, cut to a tear coming down Haren’s cheek*
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 0 ER. Word on the street is he looks like steamy poo that is in a Vitamix so long that the coil gets hot and it makes poo soup. Next up in Miami for the closer job? Thankfully, not Pitbull. Mike Dunn or A.J. Ramos seem most likely, in that order. Here’s something you might not know about, because, brucely, I just found out about it. If you click on Mike Dunn’s name (or any reliever), you go to his Player Page. Scroll down to Last 30 Day Relief Appearances and look at IPStart. That’s not an intestinal bug you contract in India. That shows what inning the reliever entered the game. Dunn has come in the 8th, 7th, 9th, 8th in his last four. Cool, right? Yeah, that was Rudy. Another recent addition, for Starters, it says how many Batters Faced (BF), and, for Batters, their player page shows their last 30 days batting order position (BatOrd).
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in his 4th start. If you’re not playing for anything, and the Braves are not, then at least they can play either Maybin or Young every day. Help out a fantasy team, brotha!
John Danks – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. “I’m gonna be there this weekend. Don’t watch Bloodline without me!” That’s Gavin Floyd leaving a message for his old rotation-mate.
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks. Bauer, I’d like you to meet the strike zone. He touches it. Feels the particles like he’s Starman. Speaks gibberish Chinese. Finally, he speaks English, “On behalf of all the inhabitants of the planet earth, I send greetings.” Bauer trusts his stuff about as much as I trust Cougs at Chippendales or he simply can’t control it. Either way, I’d own him, but at some point the walks could come home to roost.
Garrett Richards – Will start on Sunday vs. the Astros. Okay, but if he goes down with another injury and returns just in time to face the Astros again, I’m gonna be suspicious.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Rangers. With Beltre hitting .163 and– Actually, only Fielder and Carlos Corporan (1-for-4 and his first homer, hitting .250) were in the starting lineup for the Rangers and hitting above .200. Seven guys below .200! All-Star Game Weekend Idea! Before the Home Run Derby, have the Red Sox best pitcher against the Rangers lineup. Pitcher wins if he gets three outs, hitters win if they get two men on base at the same time.
C.J. Cron – Angels scored 10 runs and Cron didn’t play. Holy sit! Instead, playing first was Efren Navarro (0-for-5). Dah, the Sciosciapath!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .233 as he bats cleanup. This was his first multi-hit game of the season. He does tend to get hot though, so I’ll be watching him like a cyclops with a monocle.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. He has 3 homers on the year, and I feel like I’ve been mentioning him a lot. How much is he hitting? .229!
Denard Span – Could return this weekend. Michael Taylor’s hourglass looks like Honey Boo-Boo’s mom.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he hit out of the two-hole. Not that there’s anything wrong with hitting in the two-hole.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I kinda wish I owned the entire Red Sox lineup every day. Well, except when Allen Craig is starting.
Wade Miley – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Just missed a “Red Sox Quality Start,” which is 4 IP, 6 ER.
Pablo Sandoval – Didn’t start yesterday due to a bruised foot. Fun fact! When Sandoval sits for longer than 20 minutes, he gains one full pound. Yesterday, he gained 72 pounds.
