Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Mon 8/4
ARI | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | ATH | CHW | OAK | SEA | WSH

In 2006, a special H.O.F. committee was appointed for the task of reviewing the qualifications of ballplayers, managers and owners from the Negro League, in order to determine who might best qualify for admission to the Hall of Fame. After review, 17 individuals, including players, management and owners, all deceased at that time, were admitted. The two living participants — as worthy of admission as anyone on that list — Buck O’Neill and Minnie Minoso, were rejected.

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I wish I was a mathematician or at least had one of those rad looking calculator watches. For now I will remain myself and take random, yet seasoned guesses at this thing that we covet so much, the save. It’s the only position that every person garnering save capability is owned in every league no matter how big or small, which makes it fun. They say all the fun is the chase, I guess that’s why I am bored with so many people tied up in my Gam-Gam’s basement. Digression, segue, punctuation. The Royals, or for better reference, Greg Holland, has figured out his mojo, while all of us hoping for a heated up Kelvin to pounce are reduced to wait for a Holland-days off. I am glad that Holland has shown what we all thought he could be, albeit for one glorious day. Two in a row is a winning streak, so said Lou Brown. So onto the rankings of closers and some of their ‘cuffs. This week’s random weird but true factoid, the Phillies are 13 games into the season and do not have a hold by any pitcher on their team. Put that in your cheese steak and smoke it

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R.A. Dickey will not be remembered for what he did before wearing a Rangers, Brewers, Mariners, Twins, Met’s uniform. Nor will he ever be remembered for his mediocre fastball or equally mediocre changeup. He likely won’t be remembered for his scrumptious beard. (Actually, I have no proof of that. He *should* be remembered for his facial hair, since all beards are regal and spiffy in nature and form, but I will leave that in the capable hands of history.) No one will remember that he was born without an ulnar collateral ligament in his elbow. Or that he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to raise money for awareness of human trafficking. Or even that he had been sexually abused as a child. While all these things are noteworthy, the truth of the matter is, he will most certainly always be remembered for throwing a very goofy pitch, and throwing it in a very special way. For baseball fans, like myself, who are enamored with such an unconventional baseball skill, this is still quite a special thing to be remembered for. Though we should at least try to remember the beard too.

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According to Wikipedia, the Dozens is a game of spoken words between two contestants, common in African-American communities, where participants insult each other until one gives up. Yesterday, we got a fantasy baseball version. Felix Hernandez started in on Max Scherzer first, “Your name sounds like a character from a Michael Chabon novel!” Scherzer lobbed back, “You could throw a no-hitter and lose!” F-Her redoubled his efforts, “You need two sets of colored contacts!” Scherzer stepped back and threw, “You’re gonna be traded to the Orioles for Erik Bedard!” F-Her fired back, “Your first baseman is so fat his blood type is Ragu!” “Oh, yeah? Well, your center fielder is The Big FraGu!” F-Her threw 8 shutout innings with 12 Ks against one of the best offenses in the game; Scherzer gave up one run with 12 Ks against one of the worst. Both: Great. Winner: Last night, it was F-Her. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Archie Bradley | RHP, Diamondbacks | Born: 8/10/1992

It’s rare that a club just gives away a first round investment for pennies on the dollar, but that’s exactly what D’Backs did this past December with Trevor Bauer. Less than two years after drafting him 3rd overall, Arizona decided they didn’t like his attitude, they didn’t appreciate his stubbornness, and so they shipped him to Cleveland for Didi Gregorius and a couple toss-ins. Again, teams just don’t do this sort of trade — they don’t give a front-of-the-rotation prospect a $3.4 million signing bonus, and then cut him loose 18 months later for a defense-first shortstop simply because the kid wouldn’t listen. The Diamondbacks did, though. And they did so because they felt they had the organizational pitching depth to offset the loss. A major factor in that decision was the guy they drafted four picks after Bauer in the 2011 draft, a guy named Archie Bradley.

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Imagine the Freaky Friday scenario with Grey or Rudy. One minute you’re a happy-go-lucky fantasy player who enjoys the occasional buffoonery, the next your spouting out catch phrases and terms to replace common English. I would’ve had my headshot in the paper for saving that kitten if I wasn’t such a SAGNOF! I wish I was a good father to my niños but unfortunately I’m just a HodgePadre…

Fortunately for this Friday, all you have to do to switch places with Rudy as the best fantasy analyst alive, is beat him in another awesome contest from our friends at DraftKings. The contest is for this Friday’s night games, but you can ENTER NOW with the winner getting a ticket into the their $100,000 MLB Spring Fling where the #1 spot gets $20,000! That’s a $100 value and entries are only $5 and you can enter up to two times for this one, with spots 2-10 winning $5.00. As always, this is RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE so there’s only 50 spots open with 3 filled already, so you gotta sign up fast!

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Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was arrested for a DUI. So that explains why his pitches are all over the place! He blew a 0.22. That’s six-plus runs better than his ERA. Gallardo’s mugshot looks like a still from a PSA. “More than 79% of Americans feel the most significant social problem facing America is the physical absence of a decent 1st baseman.” “I’m Yovani, and our 1st baseman is Alex Gonzalez some days. Other days, it’s Yuniesky Betancourt. Please stop this needless crime against run support.” I wonder if he was driving home from the Miller Brewery tour, because it’s awesome, but, man, you should not drive after that. “If I draw a mouth on my forehead and stand upside down, then I’d have two mustaches.” That’s me towards the tail end of the Miller tour. Well, Yovani does pitch for the Brewers. What did you expect? Guess we should be happy he doesn’t pitch for the Crack Rockies. For fantasy baseball, this doesn’t mean much. Pray Gallardo returns from a DUI as successfully as Miguel Cabrera. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week, I talked about how you should believe in your studs. No, not Studs Terkel, but he was the man. No, not Macho Man Randy Savage either. Why did you even bring him up? Though his hip hop album is easily one of the best (or worst) things I’ve ever heard. Where was I? This week I’m looking at a few guys that I believe are either off to a hot start and undervalued or off to a slow start and worth buying low in OPS leagues. After all, the season isn’t even 10% over, so it’s too early to make drastic assumptions about a player’s performance (that’s for next month!).

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This week in Razzball Podcast entertainment we were joined by JB “Big Biscuit” Gilpin, who reviewed the film, 42. JB majored in film in college, so he was very excited to get to finally use his degree. Since I hold a Master of Fine Arts, I don’t critique the film. I simply wear an all black spandex suit like I’m on Sprockets and smoke a cigarette from one of those really long cigarette holders. I’m artistic, that’s the picture you should be getting here. Nick emailed me saying, “JB’s mom texted me after to tell me JB only needs 471,902 reviews to pay off those student loans.” Not totally sure how that works, since he wasn’t paid for this one. Does he review 471,901 then is paid $36,000 for his final one? Are the last six worth $6,000 apiece? I’d like to know how this works. Or would at least like to understand Nick’s joke. Smokey also joined the Nickster and looked at some deep waiver wire adds, but since they both forgot to take their Adderall, it just became deep waiver wire ADD. Finally, Rudy and I discuss some underperforming studs and whether Giancarlo will ever see another pitch in the strike zone. Anyone who has abandoned Giancarlo in his time of need will be quarantined until he hits 20 homers in a month and then you will be sacrificed to the Giancarlo God. Y’all have been warned! Nick also told me to link to the Draft Kings contest thing again, so there’s that. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with 18% more Giancarlo denial by me):

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More injuries, more closer meltdowns… but let’s focus on some positives. Week 1 top team, Bosch Brothers (in Trout We Trust) still has more points than anyone else at 113.5. Team Balls (No Guts, No Glory) moved from fifth to first with a 30-point gain. Prague Pivo Pounders (Double Platinum Haters) and Tarzana Orange (Is it next year yet) each moved from 10th to second in their leagues. It’s still very early and anything is possible.

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The Cardinals said Edward Mujica ‘could be tried as closer.’ That’s obviously after everyone else has been tried and found guilty of sucking. Matheny said, “I’d rather kill a possum in front of La Russa, than have a lead in the 9th inning with the crap we have.” Okay, that was me reading between the lines. He actually said, “See what happens next time we get there. Right now, Mujica’s making good pitches and getting the big outs when we need them.” He never referred to Mujica as the closer. Maybe because he was afraid of spooking him. How do you scare the beejesus out of a Cardinals reliever? Call them closer. *rim shot, triangle, kazoo* I don’t think Mujica is the de facto closer, but I don’t know what de facto means. Is that Spanish? Hernando De Facto was the first to cross the Mississippi, right? Yesterday, Boggs came into the 9th inning, but it was a 4-run lead and when he got into trouble the Cards started warming up Mujica. The writing is on the wall, and it says, “Mujica is next.” I’d grab Mujica and continue to hold Boggs (on my bench). It may just turn out that Edward is The Last of the Mujica’s in the Cards’ pen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?