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Jordan steps behind the three point line, head fakes Ehlo, who sails past him, tumbling to the half-court line. Jordan looks at the fallen Ehlo, “Was it that good of a head fake?” He sets himself, and goes up, up, up, — that’s three ups — and the ball is soaring, soaring, soaring — that’s three soarings — and SWISH! SWISH SWISH! That’s three swishes! Right into the…bleachers? Jordan Diaz shrugs at Ehlo. It’s a Shruggle! He gave him the Shruggle! The patented “Who knew I was this good?” and rounds the bases. Jordan Diaz has done the impossible! He’s made Grey talk about basketball — kinda! Yesterday, Diaz went (3-for-4, 4 RBIs) with three homers, his 2nd, 3rd and 4th. Jordan’s homer comes a day after MJ’s homer. Pippen ain’t easy, obviously. I’ve said previously Jordan Diaz is like a poor man’s Luis Arraez. Call him Luis I-Need-A-Raise. That might be selling his power short, and his batting average high. At least for this year. He could sneak into a 15-17 homer season, but being in Oakland won’t help. His strikeouts are up, so the potential .280 average feels like a long shot. He could also just be finding himself like Jason Bourne or that guy on The Citadel, a blatant rip-off of Jason Bourne. At worst, a hot schmotato. At best, Jordan gives us more Flu Games. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Rodon – Received a cortisone injection in his back in hopes of throwing this weekend. His wife was on Twitter clapping back at people saying anything bad about Rodon, because she can’t clap on his back.

Aaron Judge – 0-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I had soup for lunch. I think it was Debbie’s from Accounting.”

Clarke Schmidt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.35. This was a solid Streamonator call. Shame I went for JP Sears yesterday and his stupid two-start week!

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. “Coming up next on Schmotato or Everyday Fantasy Player…Gleyber’s hit four homers in four days this year, and two homers the rest of the time.”

Jake Bauers – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Dropped Mervis minutes before his call-up to grab Jake Bauers, like a giant idiot, then dropped Jake Bauers two days ago, like a farkin’ icehole. *stands thumbtacks upright, bangs head into thumbtacks*

Max Fried – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. Braves said, “Fried’s MRI didn’t create any concern about possibly needing a second TJ surgery. He will be shut down from throwing until his forearm heals. He’ll then have to build back up and basically go through Spring Training again. So, timetable is…” Then, they turned, and faced directly each and every Fried fantasy owner and said, “NO ONE KNOWS!” Then they cackled for fifteen minutes while we weeped.

Matt Olson – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. My preseason NL MVP call for Olson might not be as insane as it sounded then.

James Paxton – Will return to the Red Sox rotation on Friday. Over/under 37 IP. What you got?

Nick Pivetta – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.23. The Red Sox rotation ERA is 6.10. We call that the Chris Young.

Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! When he first donned the Red Sox cap, he said, “Now the ceiling matches the carpet.”

Gary Sanchez – Signed with the Mets. Yo, I think the Mets might have a cougar problem.

Max Scherzer – Scratched from his start, but plans to start later this week. Entire Mets team got real old, real fast. I have an idea for the Mets, they should sign Daniel Ponce de Leon.

Starling Marte – 2-for-4 as he was bumped to 6th in the lineup, hitting .223. “Just stand by the water fountain, Ponce, and turn its liquid into ‘young juice.'”

David Peterson – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.68, as he was recalled. I liked Peterson a lot in March, but, turn around, about face, March no more.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Albombso!

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .241. Quick, get Tomas Nido in the lineup!

Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 7.36. Mets are such a disaster right now they’re making Luke Weaver look good. I wouldn’t even pick Weaver up if the Streamonator liked him, which it won’t.

Christopher Morel – 2-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (1), as he hit 8th with Nick Madrigal hitting leadoff. David Ross putting together the Cubs’ lineup by writing it on a window at Harvard. Morel is a favorite of mine, I like him a lot, great power and speed, ya know what? Just go read what I wrote yesterday. There is a new wrinkle though. If Ross doesn’t like him, for whatever stupid reason, Morel’s not worth as much as I thought when Hoerner roeturns.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, 5 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.18. That he still can’t locate his pitches? This is all the DH Contreras’s fault!

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He homered off Jameson Taillon (2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.41), who oddly enough also blamed Contreras.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Have you heard how much his Instagram following grew from the WBC? You have if you listened to one second of a broadcast by a Cards’ visiting team. At least once a game the visiting team’s announcers will mention it. It’s like they have a set list of topics and each visiting team’s broadcast intern gives their announcers the same topics.

Paul DeJong – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a banana peel!

Eury Perez – Could be called up in May or June. Wake up, babe, a new Tanner Bibee’s about to drop.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. I get that some of you are in shallow leagues, but Soler should just be rostered. He has 40-homer power. At least 30 to 35-homer.

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 12.10. Putting the pft in Pfaadt. Sigh, I guess he’s not worth holding. Just know, as soon as you drop him, he’s going to look great. Also, pray for me when I get the question, “Grey, handsome face, would you drop Pfaadt for Eury Perez?”

Travis Jankowski – Hit the IL. Aw, that’s a real sham–Ezequiel Duran has another place to play even if Seager returns.

Andrew Heaney – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Every start of Heaney’s I’m like, “He looked even better than the line!” It’s a sickness.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Welp, time to look at his stats to see if he’s been this good. *sees his middle name is Frost and gets distracted by that for 20 minutes* Right! His stats! They look solid! Everything looks like it’s stabilized as him being a borderline number two to three. Still too many homers allowed, but not as bad as last year. The bounce back looks like it’s in effect.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Wonder if he’s at all thinking, “Eloy is getting an IL stint and I’m not? No fair!”

Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. When he came up, I thought big corner infield bat — 30/.280. Now, I’m like, “Maybe he can hit for as much power as Ty France?”

Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Pasketti with some extra cheese! Ay! Oh!

Jordan Lyles – 9 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.20. Serious question, is he the first pitcher to throw over 110 pitches in the last three years?

Zach Neto – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. LFG! This update was brought to you by my team where I need him to get hot.

Framber Valdez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Now he only has to make *counting in head* 120 more starts and the Astros are good.

Michael Brantley – Shut down from hitting. Ah, yes, him and Jean Segura.

Jake Diekman – Signed with the Rays. Seems like a perfect landing spot for him. Diekman, can just say Rays.

Taylor Walls – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. This is gonna be the first week of the year he’s not in the Buy column, because if you ain’t pick him up yet, I can’t help you. By the by, Buy column is already available on the Patreon.

Wander Franco – 2-for-5 and a slam (7) and legs (9), hitting .310. Excuse me, kicking myself for not being back in on him harder this year. Ow, Previous Sentence Grey, I didn’t say kick myself harder!

Grayson Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Pretty sure he’s been serviceable every time I’ve benched him and been awful every time I’ve started him. Like clockwork. Only a broken clock. That’s not even right twice a day.

Ramon Urias – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Him and his brother’s mother, “That’s your father’s fault, you and Luis inherited his chicken legs!”

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .273. Was at 7th for catchers on Player Rater, prolly moves up to 6th after yesterday, but has moved far down from the top three of Murphy, Heim and Sal P.

Alek Manoah – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.83. Just a season-long sigh at this point. Was Berrios last year, Manoah this year…Crucifix up at any Jays starter next year.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and the 8th time BDon said, “Yeah, but did he steal a base?”

Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .317. Not sure what that was last year with him, but his line drives are right back to pre-last year levels; his Hard Contact is up, and HR/FB. The Greek God of Hard Contact is back-ish! “Back-ish” because his ground balls are still kinda high and his Launch Angle is iffy.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Can’t deny the ratios, which is what I say right before I’m about to try to deny the ratios. His K/9 and BB/9 are 6.8 and 2.3. When did he become Zack Greinke? Sell!

Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Watched this game since it was the early game, and a few takeaways. A) Guardians looked bad more than Lorenzen looked good. B) Spencer Torkelson (3-for-4) seems to finally be locking in. C) There’s no C.

Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .257. Also, Juan Soto went 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting .244. Both had good games, so maybe they’re coming out of the early-season funk, but these two guys have more swag than any other hitters who are struggling on a barely .500 team.

Louie Varland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.32. A rookie pitcher without a roofie! Balloons are falling from my ceiling! Streamonator actually likes his next, and, eff it, why not?

Casey Schmitt – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Was called up by the Giants. Schmitt made Itch’s top 100 prospects in the spring, but I think he’d even admit that’s because playing time seemed assured from his big Spring Training, but then he was sent down. Schmitt happens, as they say. Would’ve been smart to call Schmitt up two weeks ago when Brandon Crawford was first injured, but the Giants are not smart, they are Wisely. Or have been, at least. Schmitt was a guy I drafted in a bunch of deeper leagues because he was killing it this spring, and looked like the best Giants’ left-side infielder, but, again, Wisely, not smart. As much as I like him, Schmitt is more a deep-league, well-rounded bat without any huge upside in any category.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Not saying he’s the Jackrobinson Profar, but him hitting 7th and Blackmon and Grichuk hitting 1st and 2nd is funny.

Luis Ortiz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, as he was recalled. Went over him in detail yesterday. If you click on his name, you’ll be magically transported to his player page.

Josh Palacios – 0-for-2 as he was called up by the Pirates. He was hitting .434 with four homers in 13 games, and he’s 27 years old, which means it was like: Remember that kid on your Little League team with a mustache that homered in every game, and the other team’s coach would be like, “I want to see his birth certificate,” and then your coach wrote on a napkin, “Go screw yourself?” That was Josh Palacios in the minors.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .239. Rowdy Roddy Tellez hitting the ball off-kilter.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Mookie Best!

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .220. Full season numbers aren’t great, but all three homers came in the last two weeks, and he’s hitting near-.270 in that time. Vroom, vroom. Put my foot on the Vargas.

Noah Syndergaard – Left the game with a cut on his finger. In related news, Gavin Stone pitched yesterday too in the minors.

Caleb Ferguson – Latest Dodgers player who is out on Paternity Leave, but two weeks after all other Dodgers, so the only thing you can conclude is Ferguson is into two-week-long tantric sex.