Here’s what I wrote earlier this year, “From the journal of Jim Morrison, he wrote about an encounter he had with lizard wearing a crown of thorns that he alternated calling, Jesus Luzardo and The Luzard King. Here, I wish to transcribe Jim’s musings, ‘Today, I rode with a large Native American man to a Wawa to get some beej ferky (sic). The Native American man told me about the many lives he had lived and how he never trusted rookie pitchers. He recounted a story about how he traded all his pitchers for Chris Paddack, due to a great April in 2019. This was confusing to me, since this was 1970, but this wise Native American knew more in his head, which he covered in an Indians baseball club hat, than I’d ever know. Was this Lou Boudreau? Before we got to the Wawa, which was only three minutes away by automobile, so not sure why it was taking so long — were we lost? — the Native American man pulled over and picked up a pitchman for an insurance company which was an animated lizard. This was The Luzard King. An obvious lizard, which made it weird when it kept saying it was a gecko. The Luzard King said it had a shoulder issue early in the preseason of the 2019 season, which I had a premonition would be 38 years after my death. Also, oddly enough, I’m being fed a quote from the future from Prospect Mike about Jesus Luzardo. He will say, ‘Luzardo’s stock just continues to rise. He’s in the rarified air of ‘best pitching prospects’ now. The lefty threw 109 innings across three leagues in 2018 and posted a 129/30 strikeout-to-walk ratio. Everything is plus or better – the heater, the curve, the change, the control. He’s the total package, like the package I filled with anthrax and sent to Grey.’ Who is this Grey he speaks of? Who is Prospect Mike? Was it the peyote talking or was it something more mysterious?’ And that’s me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike! Don’t think Luzardo is going to be up before the All-Star Break, but now is the time to stash him. He could be a solid Middler like early Yonny. Call him Once Uponny.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike quoting me quoting–Greybot 5000 is overheating! Get me Gatorade and a cheap ace pitcher’s stats! Seriously, that was long and extra windy about Luzardo and I am so proud of myself for recounting it here. Anyway, what can we expect from Jesus Luzardo for 2020 fantasy baseball?
Something I either haven’t noticed before or just forgot about, but minor league videos are mostly awful. The videos are not filmed by Roger Deakins or Gordon Willis, I’ll tell ya that, especially since I think the latter is dead. Here’s a great example of one such video, presented to you with much comment. This is one hell of a song for a clip show — haha, I mean WUT. Also, terrific, crisp picture. Is this recorded off a VHS? Anyhoo, check it out then we will discuss (shut off your audio if you’re at work, unless you work for Meek Mill):
Luzardo never really materialized in 2019, but, at this point, it’s moot and we just want him to be healthy, which he seemed to be as he threw in September (12 K/9, 1.50 ERA in 12 IP), and even flashed some tastiness in October aka the Postseason aka When They Got Loud, Not ‘They’ As In The A’s Tho. Lefties will have no chance off Luzardo at any level. If there’s a level above the majors, they wouldn’t be able to hit him either. Babe Ruth and Ted Williams with his head in an Igloo standing on a cloud couldn’t hit this guy. Last year in the minors, Luzardo faced 56 lefties, and they went .115/.179/.154 against him. Hehe. (Righties only hit .229/.265/.386, bee tee dubs.) His total slugging against him was .327. He reduced everyone to Yolmer Sanchez, who had the lowest slugging percentage in baseball last year in qualified at-bats. I’m beginning to think Jesus’s middle initials are F.C. because everything I see from him makes me say JFC, and I’m not saying Jesus Fried Chicken. He throws an easy 98 MPH, drops an unhittable change and cuts off a mean 11-5 curve. He’s had Tommy John surgery already and had shoulder issues this year. That’s the biggest risk for him: his health. If he can go 130 IP, he’ll be as good as Paddack was last year. 130 feels like a pie-in-the-sky-American-as-apple-pie-and-diabetes dreamscape. Luzardo just turned 22 and only threw 55 IP last year, so 100+ IP might be asking a lot. The A’s would be idiots to not let him start the year in the rotation, and I don’t think the A’s are idiots, especially with Jonah Hill in their front office. Maybe Luzardo is a Middler and I brush off my Once Uponny moniker. For 2020, I’ll give Jesus Luzardo projections of 7-3/3.18/1.11/134 in 106 IP with a chance for a few more innings with health. For those quick on the uptake, I am giving him an 11.4 K/9. Yummy!
